Three Guys, A Girl, and a Bad Movie By: masterzora (masterzora@hotmail.com) Note to Reader: Just for the quick legal stuff. I own nothing, nothing owns me, and that's all folks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Narrator: It was a spooky stormy night... (Silence) Narrator: I SAID... It was a spooky stormy night.... (More silence) Narrator: I SAID IT WAS A SPOOKY STORMY NIGHT!!!! (And yet more silence) Narrator: Where is the special effects guy? (Silence) Narrator: Anyone? Worthless Underling: Uhh... sir... you fired everyone besides me and the cast last night. We're all you got. Narrator: Just you and the cast...? I don't remember that... Worthless Underling: Yessir, right after your six rounds of drinking. Narrator: Oooh... this is a bit of a sticky wicket.... I GOT IT! You're going to have to take care of the empty spots. Now, from the top. Narrator: It was a spooky stormy night. (Crashes that are obviously a metal pan sound, along with the all-too-obvious flickering lights that are meant to signify lightning.) Narrator: Good enough for this fic. Anyhoo... It was a spooky stormy night and Ness was in his bed getting a few minutes of sleep... (Camera shows Ness in his bed.) Narrator: It wasn't long before... (Ness gets up and looks in the mirror.) Narrator: Ness looked in the mirror and... (A somewhat-spooky, semi-transparent, obviously-fake, ghost-like face appears in the mirror for no real apparent reason.) Narrator: HE SAW THAT HE WAS HAVING A BAD HAIR-DAY!!!!!! (Classic horror movie music starts playing on an accordian.) Ness: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Narrator: No, Ness, it's from the back of the throat. Try it like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ness: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Narrator: Much better, now let us proceed. Narrator: Ness got out his comb and frantically went through his hair over and over and over to no avail. Ness: NOO!! What am I going to do? I'm going to a killer party with Paula and Jeff and Poo! Audience: Ha ha. Funny pun. Killer party. I get it! (etc.) (Knock knock) Ness: Who is it? Paula: Like, it's us, Ness. We're, like, ready to go! Ness: Uhhhh..... I'm not ready yet! I have to get my costume on! I'll be out in a minute! Jeff: HURRY UP! Ness: What am I going to do? Narrator: So Ness, always quick on his feet, came up with a brilliant plan. (One hour later) Ness: I got it! I'll go as a ghost No one will ever see my hair (Ness grabs sheets from his bed and notices big wet sploches on it.) Ness: Oops, I forgot that I wet the bad last night. Better get Tracie's sheets. (Ness goes and grabs Tracie's sheets, cuts eyeholes in them and puts it on.) Ness: Umm... good enough. At least no one will see my hair. (Ness goes out to greet Paula, Jeff, and Poo. Paula is wearing a Greatful Dead T-shirt and make-up like she should be in KISS. Jeff is dressed like Ness, complete with red cap, yellow backpack, and large wooden baseball bat. Poo is a barrel of toxic waste.) Jeff: A ghost? You're going as a ghost? Poo: How lame. Paula: Like, that is so 10 years ago, ya know, so we, like, gotta get you, like, a better cosume, ya know. (She pulls the sheets off.) Paula: Like, gasp! That hair is, like, terrible. Jeff and Poo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ness: I'm sorry. I woke up an hour and a half ago and had this 'do. All I could think of was ghost. Jeff: Maybe we should just get you a face mask, like from Phantom of the Opera. Between the mask and that hair, you'll have the scariest costume in town! Ness: Ha ha, Jeff. This is serious. Poo: I like cake. Ness: I GOT IT! I'll go grab my pajamas and go as... NESS IN PJ'S! (Paula, Jeff, and Poo just stare blankly.) Ness: You got a better idea? Jeff: I already told y-- Ness: Shut it. Jeff: *sigh* Whatever. (Ness goes as "Ness in PJ's") Jeff: You sure about this, Ness? Paula: L ike, ya, this could like, totally scar you for, like, life, ya know. Ness: I have to. (They go into the house at which the party was to be located. No one is there.) Ness: Wow. No one is here. Random Audience Member (RAM): HEY! THERE MUST BE A PSYCHO-SLASHER-KILLER-TYPE PERSON IN THERE!!! YAY! (A shadowy figure runs into the audience and stabs the RAM in the head.) Another Random Audience Member (ARAM): WOW! HE WAS RIGHT! Yet Another Random Audience Member (YARAM): No, that was just me. He's annoying. Entire Audience: Hear! Hear! Still Yet Another Random Audience Member (SYARAM): CAN WE GET ON WITH THE STINKIN' FIC? And Still Yet Another Random Audience Member (ASYARAM): It's more fun seeing how far the acronyms will carry out! And Still Yet Another Random Audience Member Different From the Last (ASYARAMDFTL): NO! Narrator: SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE FIC! And Still Yet Another Random Audience Member Different From the Last Random Audience Member Mentioned (ASYARAMDFTLRAMM): And if we don't? (ASYARAMDFTLRAMM is incinerated by a bolt of lightning) Narrator: Anyone else? ASYARAMDFTL: That was just a coincidence (ASYARAMDFTL is also incinerated by a bolt of lightning) Narrator: Anyone ELSE? (No one says a word.) Narrator: Good, now where were we? ARAM: They just noticed that no one was in the house and that there must obviously be a psycho-slasher-ki--- (ARAM falls over dead.) Narrator: Oh yes.. (They go into the house at which the party was to be located. No one is there.) Ness: Wow. No one is here. Paula: Maybe, like, the party totally, like, stunk, ya know. Jeff: It's fairly obvious what happened, people. (Ness, Paula, and Poo just stare at Jeff.) Poo: Too much cake? Jeff: No, there must be a psycho-slasher-killer-type person in there waiting for us to come in so he can kill us. Ness: Really? Jeff: Hasn't anyone ever seen the horror classic "There Must Be a Psycho-Slasher-Killer-Type Person in There Waiting For Us to Come In So He Can Kill Us?" Poo: No, must of missed that one... Ness: (muttering) Wordy title must of thrown him off. Jeff: Well, the point is that there is a psycho-slasher-killer-type person in there waiting for us to come in so he can kill us. Ness: So could we, uh, leave? Jeff: What kind of horror movie would that make? Ness: I believe the idea is to live. Jeff: And what kind of horror movie would that make? Ness: A pretty good one, in my opinion. Jeff: You big baby! Just get in there. Ness: *whimper* (Jeff pushes Ness into the house. Paula, Jeff, and Poo follow.) Ness: Please don't let me die! Jeff: YOU WON'T DIE! (Dust falls from the rafters, along with a legion of bats, a $20 bill, a bowling ball, and a grand piano.) Ness: How did that fit up there...? Jeff: OH NO! This is just like that movie "Dust Falls From the Rafters!" Ness: Which means...? Jeff: Which means that the psycho-slasher-killer-type person will be coming down those steps holding a psycho-slasher-killer-type weapon (i.e. a knife and/or scythe) and he's going to try to kill us. Luckily, he'll fail, we'll run away into another room and he'll come after us again. (Everyone stares at the stairs.) Audience: HA HA! ANOTHER PUN! Jeff: SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO GET KILLED HERE! Ness: Speak for yourself! Narrator: SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO THE FIC! (Everyone stares at the stairs.) Ness: And where is this psycho-slasher-killer-type person? Jeff: He should be down any minute (One hour later.) Jeff: Well, he was there in that movie. Ness: What movie? Jeff: That one, with that guy, you know, in that place with that thing. Ness: OH! You mean that one movie, with that one guy in that one place with that one thing! Jeff: EXACTLY! Ness: I have no idea what you are talking about Jeff: Oh well. Let's go into the kitchen where the psycho-slasher-killer-type person can find many weapons with which he can slay us! Poo: YAY! (They walk into the kitchen. A somewhat-conveniently located pay phone is on the wall.) Ness: Next what? Jeff: The psycho-slasher-killer-type person will call us on the phone from within the house and tell us his plans to kill us. RING RING (Ness picks up the phone.) Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is in everything. Ness: Sorry, wrong number. Click. Beep... beep... beep... Ness: That was weird. Jeff: Who was it? Ness: Some weird random dude saying something about some Matrix thing. Jeff: Follow the white rabbit. Poo: Rabbit? Trix are for kids. Narrator: TOO FAR OFF SUBJECT!! JUST GET BACK TO WAITING BY THE STINKIN' PHONE! Ness: The phone! We can use the phone to help us! (Poo pulls the receiver out of the phone.) Poo: THAT'S RIGHT! WHEN HE GETS HERE WE CAN HIT HIM WITH THIS! (The phone rings despite not being attached any longer.) RING RING (Ness picks up the phone.) Ness: Hello? Yup. Uh-huh. Yea. Okay, thank you. Bye. Click. Beep.... beep... beep... Jeff: WHAT DID HE SAY? Ness: Just what every psycho-slasher-killer-type person says. He has a sharp object with which he wants to come over here and kill us. He wants to stay here and wait for him while he comes down here. Poo: Well, that was nice of him. Paula: Like, RUN AWAY! (They all run away.) (Ness runs back, hits the coin return button twice, checks for for change (unsuccessfully), hits the machine twice, and runs back to everyone else.) Ness: Where are we going? Jeff: Anywhere! (They run upstairs into the master bedroom for no apparent reason.) Ness: What the heck is that?!?!?!?!? (Camera shows two censor blocks lying on the bed. (This is a family friendly story.)) Jeff: It looks like two censor blocks lying on the bed, you moron. Censor Block #1: (loud feminine scream) Censor Block #2: (Bill Clinton's voice) I am not sleeping with this censor block. Ness: Moving on.... (They exit the master bedroom and go to the bathroom.) Poo: Back to my homeland! Paula: It's not your fault you have a "crappy" name. (Enter any other lame bathroom/Poo jokes here.) Ness: We shall be leaving. (They enter the billiards room.) Random Dude Wearing Purple: I killed Mr. Boddy in the billiards room with the lead pipe. (Ness and Co. leave and enter the hallway.) Jeff: A sign! "Hallway Of Author's Random Thoughts." Ness: LET'S GO IN! Poo: YAY! (They enter the "Hallway of Author's Random Thoughts.") Ness: Wow! This hallway looks long! (They walk for a bit.) Jeff: Visit http://www.geocities.com/masterzora/! Ness: ...? Jeff: I dunno, I just felt like saying that for no apparent reason. (They walk more.) Ness: Apple Kid and the American government are both idiots! Jeff: And that was...? Ness: I dunno... (They walk more.) Poo: I like cake. Jeff: Lemme guess, you just felt like saying that for no apparent reason? Poo: NO! I just really like cake! (They finally reach the end of the hall.) Jeff: Look! Some writing is on the wall! (Jeff looks closer.) Jeff: Hmm... they look like ancient runes. Roughly translated it says "The Holy Grail is in the Castle of AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Paula: He must of, like, been attacked while writing it, ya know. Ness: If he was being attacked he wouldn't write it out. Poo: Maybe he was dictating. Jeff: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Ness: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Paula: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Poo: OOOOOOOOOOH! Jeff: From the back of the throat. AAAAAAAHHHHHH! Poo: No no, I was saying 'OOOOOOH!' in surprise. (Points to an animated monster.) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (They run around the hall, into and out of doors, trying to escape the monster.) Ness: I think we lost him. Jeff: Nope. First rule of horror movies, you never lost the monster. (The monster pops out from around the corner.) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (They continue running around.) Narrator: Suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. (Some dude at a writing desk somewhere is drawing.) Dude: Gasp! Urk! Narrator: And the animated peril was no more. The Quest for the Holy Grail could continue. Ness: What is this supposed 'Holy Grail' we've heard so much about? Narrator: Uhhh..... that's unimportant. You didn't need to know about that. Ness: I'm just sure. Jeff: Let's go through that door that says 'Go through here to escape any psycho-slasher-killer-type people.' Ness: Sounds like a good idea! (They walk in. A shadowy-type figure is there.) Shadowy-type figure: (British accent) What are you doing here? Ness: We were told that we could go in here to escape psycho-slasher-killer-type people. Shadowy-type figure: Who told you that? Ness: The sign outside the door. Shadowy-type figure: ... Jeff: You aren't the psycho-slasher-killer-type person that we are trying to escape, are you? Shadowy-type figure: Of course not. Jeff: Then tell us, what is your name? (The shadowy-type figure steps out of the shadows.) Shadowy-type figure: King Arthur, Lord of the British. Ness: What is your quest? King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail. Ness: ENOUGH! SOMEBODY BETTER TELL ME WHAT THIS HOLY GRAIL IS OR ELSE!!!! King Arthur: It's some cup-type thing. I don't know the details but I was told to find it. Poo: Do you like cake? King Arthur: Of course I like cake. Now that I have answered my three questions may I pass? (Another shadowy-type figure enters.) Shadowy-type figure: None shall pass. King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you. Shadowy-type figure: None shall pass. (Shadowy-type figure steps into the light. He is wearing a costume like from the movie Scream. He is also holding a butcher knife dripping with blood.) Jeff: I know I was wrong before, but I really, really think this guy is the psycho-slasher-killer type person. Ness: Really? What was your first clue? Jeff: I don't know, really. It's just a hunch. Ness: ... Jeff: Kidding! Shadowy-type figure: None shall pass. (King Arthur pulls out his sword and cuts off all of the Shadowy-type figure's limbs.) Shadowy-type figure: It's just a flesh wound! Ness: I think we're clear now. Now can we leave, Jeff? The psycho-slasher-killer-type person can't harm us anymore. Jeff: I guess. (They leave the room and go downstairs.) Jeff: We should have been confronted sometime on the way down. Something is fishy... (A giant monster thing jumps from the ceiling.) Paula: Like, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Giant monster thing: (High-pitched voice) You shall never leave here alive! Today you meet your doom! Ness: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That voice is hilarious! It's like your name should be Francis or something! HAHAHAHA! Giant monster thing: So what if my name is Francis? My mommy said that kids just pick on me because they're jealous! Ness: No, they pick on you because of your high-pitched voice and girly name! (Giant monster thing leaves crying.) Ness: Now, let's scram. (They leave the house. It collapses as soon as they are a safe distance away.) Ness: Victory! (Everything stops moving. The picture guy falls from the sky at a high velocity.) Picture guy: &$#*&$@ jet pack. What a time to fail on me.... Oh, hi Ness. Say 'Fuzzy Pickles!' (Ness does the 'Fuzzy Pickles' pose.) Picture guy: Mwuhahahahaha. Wait till I sell these to your father at a high price! (Ness and Co. slay the picture guy.) Ness: NOW can we leave? Jeff: Please! (They run back to Ness' house.) Jeff: Now all we need is a four-star Hollywood ending... (The psycho-slasher-killer-type person somehow runs into the room, limbless, carrying his butcher knife in his teeth.) Paula: I knew we shoulda, like, killed him while we had the chance. (The psycho-slasher-killer-type person chases after Ness with the butcher knife.) Ness: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Ness trips and falls.) Psycho-slasher-killer-type person: MWUHAHAHAHA! I GOT YOU NOW! (A 2-ton anvil falls on top of the psycho-slasher-killer-type person. And there was much rejoicing.) Everyone: Yay. THE END.