LAMENT OF THE TRICK OR TRICK KID By The Artist Formerly Known As CPTCrunch (zeth@starmen.net) You know, I was just a normal kid once Who lived in Threed Except that late one night A few weeks ago This talking BEE flew into my room And told me I had to get up And go save the world I swatted it away and went back to sleep It muttered something About having to go get some dork Who wears a red baseball cap And took off. Anyway, life was all hunkydory Until a couple of nights later When I was at a party And someone gave me a piece of cake He said it was "Magic Cake" And would really make me feel GREAT. So I figured, hey, why not And ate the thing. Next thing I knew, I woke up And it was the middle of the day And I was lying upside down in a trash can with a pumpkin stuffed over my head Plus my pants were missing. I finally got out of that thing But I couldn't get the pumpkin off my head Whoever put it there carved holes in it For my eyes and my mouth. It's still on my head. If you think having a mushroom On your head is embarrassing, Let me tell you, you don't know the half of it. At least with a mushroom You get to feel funky Well, with this pumpkin You only get a really bad headache Plus people scream and run away from you Plus that quack of a so-called "Healer" Won't pay me a dime for my pumpkin What does he DO with all those mushrooms, anyway? So now life is a neverending Halloween nightmare. I tried to subsist By pretending to be a trick-or-treater But people didn't give me candy All they did was scream and take off Or worse Sometimes they would sic their vicious dog on me Plus I've been shot 26 times Fortunately, this pumpkin is, for some reason So hard that not even bullets can penetrate it. Plus, right after this happened Zombies started roaming around Threed Talking about how "Belch will give us our lives back" And it got really dark It's been dark for three weeks now So now everybody is freaking out And I can't even mind my own business Without people trying to shoot or attack me These three kids have been harassing me lately Beating me with baseball bats and frying pans And shooting me with an air gun I tried to plead for mercy But my mouth was full of these stupid seeds You would not BELIEVE how many seeds Are in a standard pumpkin Until you've had one stuck on your head For a month. So I spit out the seeds And they hit the girl's hair And the kid with the bat went berserk I'm so tired of being misunderstood. People just want to Beat the tar out of me every time they see me. Don't they see that I'm just an average kid Who happens to have a pumpkin stuck on his head? Don't they realize that I have feelings too? No, in their selfishness, they don't care They're all too worried about zombies eating their brains If the zombies keep trying To rely on THESE morons' brains for food They're going to die of starvation soon. Speaking of which, Even though people hate me for no reason And frequently kick me out of their chat rooms The zombies apparently think I'm on their side I frankly wish one of them would try to eat my brain Maybe it could chew through this stupid pumpkin But they're all friendly with me And MAN are they noisy and rambunctious They have wild parties Every Friday night in the graveyard They invited me to the one last Friday They had a Grateful Undead concert And everyone was drinking dark red stuff The zombies assured me it was punch They also had this dude named Ghosty And he was possessing people with a "Tiny Lil' Ghost" Apparently it flies around you And occasionally slaps you upside the head So, with this pumpkin and all, I figured that wouldn't do me much good And I slipped away Just in time for some lady to start shrieking And this guy sicced his dog on me The dog bit me So I bit the bugger back Never bit me again. (Fortunately, the mouth hole in the pumpkin Was JUST wide enough to get around the dog's leg.) So that's my story Thankfully, it's Halloween time now So I can finally pose as a trick or treater And you know what I hate? Everyone calls me "Trick or trick kid" Except SOME people call me "Trick or treat kid" Which is completely wrong. Please call me by my proper name. And, please, if you can find it in your heart Give me some candy Preferably PEZ©®š or Reese's Peanut butter cups Or else I'm going to cast PSI Lawsuit®© on everyone And sue earth in general For halloween-costume discrimination And make it so that the government Forces businesses to hire a quota Of kids with pumpkins stuck on their heads. Also, I have a bomb. If you don't believe me, check PK Hack. I must now be on my way I'm getting very hungry And I need to go rummage through some trash cans Maybe I'll find some food Thing is, that kid in the red cap Has been digging through trash cans lately too Can't he just leave me alone for once?! You know, I bet Jasonš©® was a nice guy Who just happened to get that hockey mask Stuck on his face and couldn't get it off And then people mistreated him Until he couldn't take it anymore And was left with no logical choice But to grab a chainsaw With an apparently infinite gasoline supply And dismember everybody in sight. All that I and Jason®š© really want Is to be treated like human beings Unfortunately, all I have is pumpkin seeds And what's so terrible about a pumpkin, anyway?! Some creep in Twoson Has a friggin ORANGE on his head And the girls are all crazy about him I tried to go to Twoson once (The ghosts let me through the tunnel) But as soon as I got out of the tunnel There was some guy playing Ricky Martin music So obnoxiously loud that I had to sprint All the way back to Threed. It was my worst nightmare come true No halloween trick can get worse than that Imagine how much higher Jason'sš©® body count would have been If someone had subjected HIM to that. Okay, okay, I'm really done rambling now. I just wanted to take this opportunity To remind you that Even though I'm called the Trick or Trick Kid, I'm really just a guy from Threed Who would be helping fight the zombies Except that they're more hospitable than you are. (Also, I thought that If I won something in the funfest, It could allow me to get some food. Eggy is the man! You rule, Eggy! This isn't working, is it?) So farewell, and good night, And if I were you, I'd make certain I knew EXACTLY where my children were At around midnight tonight. Also, I wouldn't leave any PEZ lying around. Happy [CENSORED] Halloween. P.S. You have NO idea How rancid it smells inside this thing. It smells like a lumberjack.