Seeing as how my participation in GIFE II before this chapter was limited to a couple of half-hearted attempts to end the story all the way back in the first chapter, it was quite a shock to find myself, you know, joining the very thing I tried to finish. Worse still was that I was having fun�people who know what I write know that humor is not one of my preferred channels of expression. Thus, in order to chastise myself, I decided to make a reference to my previous hijinx during Giampy�s first appearances, including the one in the next chapter. I�don�t think anyone noticed, really.

Giampy is, for all intents and purposes, exactly like me except for the fact that his name ends in a y. Oh yeah, he�s nigh-indestructible, too. He has zero fighting capabilities, tends to be a little dim, and is easily distracted�but he can stop hundreds of hurling shurikens with his bare body and they wouldn�t leave a scratch. Of course, fate seems to have the need to prove this point repeatedly by having stray pieces of debris falling on his head every now and then.

The creative impulse behind Giampy was simple: I needed to insert myself in GIFE II while making it look like that wasn�t what I was doing. The fact that I eventually inserted myself in GIFE II anyway made that a moot point, but oh well.

The appearance of a_passerby is purely accidental. He is, after all, just a passerby, and those guys tend to pop up everywhere.

I�ll start off my commentary for this chapter by saying that Raltise goes to Sears was a stroke of genius. It�s good to know that, in a world where Raltise is almost invincible there�s something around that can best him.

In retrospect, I think it was a pretty good idea to throw the Dolewasher, Sao�s pet appliance/politician, into the mix, since it provided several ways to break the fourth wall, defy the laws of conventional physics, and come up with poorly-thought out forms of Deus Ex Machina. So go me, I think.

�and so the mayhem begins. This is the chapter where those who were unable to grasp the concept of �breaking the fourth wall� received a sharp blow to the shins from a large brick that used to form part of said wall, except it had now been, you know, broken. I think it happened around the time Michael Washington was transformed (or rather, was evolved) into Hobo Mike, but it was the final blow from the Dolewasher that really did it. I think JP�s still paying for that demolished wall even now. Oh well.

What�s weird about my entrance to the story is that I am nearly in the same time zone as JP (only several thousand kilometers to the south), yet I�m sleeping when he calls me. This means that either I am very sleepy or JP suffers from insomnia. Actually, I think it�s a little of both.

It�s a real shame that Dark Figure or Raltise were brought inexplicably to the Chamber of Elders later on, right before they were to torture JP and Giampy. Not that I wish any of them any harm, mind you, but it would have funny to see that.

This chapter marks the introduction of the Golden Laptop, a handy little plot device that caused great trouble to everyone for a great deal of the story. It also marks the introduction of that lovable little plot hole, Pancho (the Personable Plot hole). Much like the laptop, Pancho raised quite a ruckus in the story�I�m trying to come up with a witty pun for this, but it�s hard, especially since I had no part in the writing of this chapter.

Since I couldn�t stand having my AC, JP, and my GIFE self on the other side of the world from the place where all the action was going on, I took matters into my own hands and brought them to the action. It�s a good thing I had free reign to use things such as personable plot holes, because thinking up a plausible method of reuniting the two parties would have been killer.

The interesting thing about pitting the authors of the story against evil versions of themselves is that it provides the perfect opportunity for self-glorification. Yes, what better way to show off your tremendous power than by duking it out with yourself? I loved this part a lot; wanton destruction in a story is always a plus in my book.

This chapter is special for two reasons: one, it changes the focus of the story, if only momentarily, from the ego-tripping in the Council of Elders to the small-but-important misfortune befalling Paula, Jeff, and Paula�s boyfriend Dash. Two, it features my short yet significant foray into the field of avant-nouveau theater. What�s funny is that the idea flopped, just like how avant-nouveau theater pieces flop in real life!

I put several references in that play. Amongst them are:

1. "The Show of Life" is the name of a play in Secret of Evermore.

2. SimonBob is dressed like that guy that appears in Monty Python�s The Meaning of Life. His line about his fish is even similar to the original.

3. The bad red rope licorice is featured in the movie Wayne�s World 2. Why else do you think Author Falc and AC Falc sing that song?

4. Silver and Evil Silver as characters from Romeo and Juliet.

Still, since the piece failed horribly (as most pieces of the type do), I�ll stop boring you with tiny details.

The return to the world of GIFE! There�s always fun to be had when you�re transported to the world of GIFE.

I think it�s quite commendable on Falc�s part that he was able to bring such a huge plot twist as the one in this chapter, in a story that had seven main authors and several secondary ones. It�s too bad that this plot twist signified certain doom for everyone involved, but still, it was quite the accomplishment.

In this chapter the bad guys get a lot of power while the good guys, or at least two of them, begin fighting amongst themselves senselessly. It�s not very convenient but it�s true; such is life.

In order to let some other people bask in the radiance of GIFE, I focused my efforts on giving others the chance to get up to the same zany antics as Simon and Falc. Granted, this grace period wasn�t entirely long in this chapter�most of my contributions in that respect appear in the next chapter.

Aside from that, this chapter is proof enough that in Soviet Russia and the IF Forum the interactive fictions write you.

I love my dream. It�s an accurate representation of my psyche, and it wasn�t even written by me. Plus it had Bill Cosby in it and for some strange reason I find that really funny.

In case it hasn�t been made terribly obvious, by this point the story shifted to focus solely on the adventures of the authors in the GIFEverse. This phenomenon is partly the result of a convoluted plotline that was impossible to resolve, and partly the growing egos of the authors. Yes, yes, I know, we�re soooo conceited, get over it. Just what are you doing here, anyway?

Despite the fact that I wrote the entire Parappa/Secret Box story arc, I�ve never ever played any of the games in that series. As a matter of fact, I actually had to go and look up the lyrics to the song featured in that vignette. That�s just how non-geeky I am when it comes to these things. I was, however, geeky enough to pit the king of Playstation rapping against some generic gangster rapper�oh heck, I don�t know, pick one, they�re all alike anyway�and have the obvious winner come out with a Flawless Victory.

One thing that�s always perplexed me is how Silver, who is larger than many buildings, managed to fit inside a tiny hotel hallway. For all intents and purposes, the hallways should be able to fit inside him, yet there he was, along with everyone else. That just goes to show you how wacky interactive fictions can be. Unless that was somehow part of an evil plot, in which case whoever was responsible (probably Falc or Simon, or Falc and Simon) would off me before I had a chance to fini-

What happens when you can�t come up with a plausible solution to your current problem? Easy, follow my example and dump the responsibility on someone else. It worked for me.

What�s funny about this chapter is that Dark Figure and Raltise find out that even they are powerless against the might of William of Gates and his army, Constantly Crashing Windows of the Tiny Software. As was expected in an interactive fiction written mostly by computer geeks, there was a reference to that somewhere. Fortunately for us, no one felt the need to write in some other guy coming in an offering Raltise and co. a Golden Mac, which was twice as good but would only work on a quarter of the story.

The #1 reason why plot holes are useful: they can be introduced at any time, at any place, and by any means necessary, and there�s no way to clamor that they don�t make sense, since they are plot holes after all. God bless �em.

Side note: ever notice how in every story the French guy is always the one to provide the plot exposition? That�s really weird, isn�t it?

Since I didn�t participate in the first GIFE, or any of the other Raltise-heavy stories out there, I have no idea why the Nightmare Demon hates Sears so much. My current hypothesis is that Sears planted a rake in Raltise�s path one day for him to smack himself, and he succeeded. Or maybe Raltise insulted Sears� mom. In any case, I�m at a loss for most of this chapter since it involves Raltise-related stuff that I am unfamiliar with, so instead of commenting on it normally I shall produce a haiku:

Can you guess what the title of this chapter refers to? Huh? What about the subtitle? Come on, guess.

Chase scenes are always fun, almost as much fun as wanton destruction. Combine that fun with the wacky antics of GIFE II and our knack for contrivance, and you have on your hands Nobel Prize material�a Nobel Prize in Crazy.

To tell the truth, I find it incredible that Hobo Mike�s alcoholic antics made it past the censors. I guess it has to do with the fact that GIFE II is such a concentrated mass of sheer awesome that it easily breaks not only the rules of physics but the Starmen.net Message Forum�s rules and regulations.

Like most things I do, the reason for my invention of the weapons of OLDSKOOL (Still haven�t guessed, huh) is unknown, although I can tell you that they�re offshoots of the weapons of OUTRAGE, from the Guilty Gear series of games. Still, I think they�re pretty cool, despite the fact that they turned out to be useless, but then kind of useful, only useless, except pretty useful after all. I guess it had something to do with the fact that you either really liked or really hated them, depending on whether you�re Falc or not. It should be pretty obvious�wait, scratch that, it�s perfectly obvious�which weapon represents which classic game.

The inherent geekiness of the authors is once again made apparent in this chapter. If not because of the mini Chrono Trigger walkthrough or the game-related weaponry, then definitely because of the lamer-speak.

OH, THE HUMANITY.

You�d think that a story where the authors are writing as themselves would somehow involve less massacring of the authors and more tripping of the egos. This, however, is not true in GIFE II. We�re just kooky like that.

I like to think that this chapter marks the beginning of the end because this is when two key figures in the story proceed duke it out, leading to disastrous consequences. Which two, you ask? Well�I don�t know, pretty much every key figure in the story is duking it out somehow in this story. Let�s just say that there�s a lot of fighting going on.

I have come to the conclusion that Raltise turned evil because he auditioned for a Broadway play once and was turned down. The resulting hatred of the commercialized theater industry and its rejection caused his inherent powers of villainy to appear. However, seeing as how Raltise wasn�t a Batman villain, and could therefore not be named The Thespian or Bardinator or whatever, he settled on plain ol� Raltise. At least, this is the conclusion I have drawn after seeing him say so many things about final stages and curtain calls and bidding adieu and whatnot.

Man, we�re so lazy. We didn�t realize that by shortening Dark Uber Raltise/No-Nonsense Dark Uber Raltise�s name to his initials, we were essentially calling him something that sounded like that noise you make when you do something stupid. Dur�I don�t think that came out right�nndur.

I always wanted to go to Oktoberfest, and thanks to GIFE II I finally did. Too bad I was unable to sample the beer, what with preventing the destruction of the universe and all. I mean, can�t a guy have some booze in peace? No?

Crud.

Fear the power of the Moonlight Sonata!

You know what�s weird? I went away for the weekend while this chapter was being written, so I only saw/wrote/lived this experience a posteriori, or after the fact. This violates all sorts of laws of quantum physics, but that�s just what I do. If you don�t believe me, ask Falc: he can attest to my usage of a Delorean to warp in time back and forth at one point, long ago.

I for one find it completely appropriate that Raltise was defeated by an obvious reference to Star Wars, with Jack Black as Obi-Wan. Don�t you? Come on, that had to be the best part ever, how could you not think that was awesome?

P.S.: Does anyone else think Raltise is vaguely reminiscent of Tom Sawyer at the end of this chapter? I swear I could almost picture him barefoot and two feet shorter when he was lugged off.

In his magnum opus, The Leviathan, John Locke had this to say: "Only after vanquishing the villain in an IF may the heroes party hard." He also said some stuff about social contracts and whatnot, but that was the main idea�and party hard we did. Still, it was kind of sad that it was all over, especially after all the hard work we put into writing GIFE II. It�s like that feeling you get when you finally build that go-kart you always wanted, except nothing like that at all.

I don�t get one thing, though: SimonBob�s the closet furry, so why am I the one to get all the catgirl action? Not that I�m complaining, but I still have to know. Maybe it was destiny, or contrivance, or Falc�s idea, or hey, are those frosties? May I have some?

If/when we make a GIFE III, I demand that it somehow include AC Falcon, Silver, Old Man Jenkins, Joe, and Giampy�s quest to find Hobo Mike. That has the makings of one great something or other. I think.

Final parting note: Ha, you thought I was going to write something substantial here, didn�t you.