The
remaining two authors and the other ACs stood their ground as Dark Uber
Raltise dove at them. FZ raised his hands and summoned ten more Bruce
Lees to distract him. Dark Uber Raltise screamed in rage and blasted
the karate masters into nothingness. As the smoke cleared, he gazed
around the battlefield in search of his prey to find that they had
disappeared.
He turned sharply to see FZ and Mr., A flying toward him with jetpacks
on their backs. They connected and sent the villain sailing into a
tree. Mr. A landed on the ground and shouted, "Now Hobo Mike!"
Mr. A waited anxiously for the barrage of booze bottles to come flying
past him but nothing happened. He turned to see Hobo Mike guzzling
German beer from a large keg. Dark Uber Raltise laughed insanely as he
appeared in front of Mr. A and prepared to annihilate him, when he was
blasted away by a stream of mustard.
Joe stepped forward with his frosty machine, now with a large tank of
mustard attached to it. Dark Uber Raltise stood up and laughed.
"What kind of idiot attacks someone with mustard?"
"Oh, this isn't just any kind of mustard. This is the mustard of your doom!"
"Y'know, now that I think about it, my skin kinda feels tingly...IT
BURNS!!!!" DUR ran around crazily as the acid-mustard burned at his
skin. He eventually tripped and fell into a keg of beer. The keg
shattered and the resulting spill washed the mustard off. The villain
stood up to find everyone in the park laughing at him. "Shut up..." the
crowd continued laughing, "I said SHUT UP!" He flew into a rage and
dove at FZ at a blinding speed. He grabbed the author by the face and
slammed him into the ground. Dark Uber Raltise smiled insanely as he
continued to bury FZ further into the earth.
FZ's eyebrow twitched. The ground behind Dark Uber Raltise rose up and
formed into a hand. It grabbed Dark Uber Raltise and began to
repeatedly slammed him into the ground.
"Enough," Raltise cried as he freed himself from the gigantic hand. "It's time I finished off you pesky authors."
Raltise prepared to make his final strike, but out of nowhere Hobo Mike
knocked him out of the way. Mike was obviously very drunk and happy
because he was holding a very large stein. Raltise was knocked back
into the crowd of fat people where he kept getting bounced around.
The other authors ran through the streets of Munich trying to find
Falc's really hot German friend from English class. Raltise's dwarves
were catching up to the group.
"We need to get rid of those things," Simon cried. "They're scaring the heck out of me."
Now as the group passed a single man who was unconscious in the street
holding on to his lone stein Giampi got an idea. Having a free hand he
grabbed the stein and tossed the beer onto the dwarfs.
"What was that supposed to do?" Falcon wondered.
Since the Oktoberfest is the world's greatest beer
festival the beer was quite potent. The beer blinded the dwarfs and
Giampi tossed the stein which busted on impact. With Raltise's
mini-clones taken care of at the minute the group quickly ran off to
clear as much distance as they could. When they reached a seemingly
empty alleyway the air began to get warm and clanging could be heard
nearby. The authors followed the sound where they found Falc's really
hot German friend from English class.
"Hey." Falc said smoothly.
"Hello." She replied.
"We need a favor. Could you take all this stuff, melt it down and make a sword for us?"
"Ja."
Things needed to be short and sweet since Raltise could appear at any
minute. The authors handed Falc's friend the broken weapons of OLDSKOOL
which she immediately threw into a smelting pot and began to melt down.
Time passed slowly, as it is wont to do in a catastrophe. "Is it done yet?" Simon asked.
"Nein," said the hot German girl.
"Nine what? Nine minutes? I'm confused."
Falcon cuffed Simon upside the head.
"Once the sword is done, though, what good is it?" JP asked. "If
Raltise is super-uber-powerful, then he'll just snap it in two with his
mind!"
"Wirklich ist die Klinge gegen seine Geistesenergie immun," Hot German
said. "Es lenkt ihn ab, damit wir dunkle Abbildung wieder beleben und
diesen Song spielen können."
Nobody knew what Hot German had just said, so they decided to wait
patiently until the sword was completed. Soon, the tedious swordmaking
process was completed. Hot German offered the ultimate blade ______ to
the authors.
Two hands tried to take the handle simultaneously. "Hmm," Simon said. "What's the etiquette here?"
Falcon frowned. "I think I get it. You got to be the hero in the last one.
"Yeah, but I beat you up in Duel."
"Only because you waited until I left to finish it!"
They argued onward, the sword forgotten. In the heat of the moment, a
third hand reached for the sword, and Hot German let this new arrival
take it since it was really heavy.
Hobo Mike hoisted ______ aloft, its shining light breaking up the
argument. The authors looked upon the sword with awed reverence. "Well,
dang," Falcon and Simon said.
After the traditional holding-aloft was done with, Hobo Mike dropped the sword again. Falcon picked it up. "Okay, let's go!"
"Why go?" a mocking voice announced. "I prefer to stay right here!"
"Look out! It's Raltise!" Simon pushed Hot German out of the way as a bolt of energy shot towards them.
"Hey!" Falcon leapt towards Raltise, swinging ______ as he went, but
was shoved aside by the demon's omnipotent power. Raltise turned
towards Falcon and addressed him.
"So, you think you have the true power, yes? You have no right to it! Give it to its true master!"
Falcon shrugged. "Alright." He pretended to offer ______ to Raltise,
but tossed it to Simon at the last second. Raltise immediately turned
to Simon, who in turn threw it to JP. It continued from author to
author as Raltise chased it about in a deadly game of keep-away,
apparently fixated on the raw power emanating from the sword.
Simon allowed Raltise to get dangerously close to him (ie. close enough
that he could smell Raltise's breath), and then gave it an underhand
fling to Falcon. Raltise pulled a 180, but before he could chase ______
again, Simon jumped him and grabbed the Golden Laptop from him. Raltise
turned back and forth, undecided which was more important to him, and
then decided to go for the sword again.
"Yo Falc!" Simon yelled. "Ditch it and grab this!" He threw the Golden
Laptop high over Raltise's head. Falcon hurled the sword across the
room with all his might. Raltise chased after it, oblivious to the fact
that Falcon now had the Laptop. Salivating heavily, he grabbed ______,
and bit it with all his might. His eyes went wide with surprise.
"YEEEEEOWWWCH!!!"
"Er dachte, daß es eine Schlüsselkalktorte war," Hot German explained.
"What's a shoe-lussel-caulk-torte?" Simon asked.
"Argh! He thought it was a key lime pie!"
"Oh. Why didn't you say so?"
For his part, Falcon was typing up a storm. "Alllmost there... okay,
got it!" The room glowed white, and then the outline of a solitary
figure could be seen. As he turned, everyone in the room gasped except
Raltise, who was still trying to stop his mouth from bleeding.
"Dark Figure!" they all exclaimed.
"Not anymore, actually. I have become... Light Figure."
Authors and ACs blinked in disbelief. "Well, I certainly didn't see that one coming." FZ stated.
Dark Uber Raltise had finished nursing his lacerated tongue and was now
standing up in disbelief at the visage of Light Figure standing before
him. Robes of the purest white draped his shoulders, while a kingly
white crown topped his head. He held a flute in his hand. Raltise
sneered. "You had better not."
"Oh, but I shall!" Light Figure exclaimed. He turned to Falcon. "Maestro, if you please."
"Sure thing." A few more keystrokes on the Golden Laptop, and a set of
sheet music appeared before Light Figure on a stand. He placed the
flute to his lips and began playing the Moonlight Sonata.
"No!" Raltise exclaimed, dashing toward Light Figure. He
was stopped short by approximately sixteen people, Authors and ACs
combined (one of which being a large silver tyrano), who promptly
tackled him to the ground. The Nightmare Demon screamed in horror as
Light Figure finished the first diminuendo, then the second, then the
third. The dark powers seemed to radiate from Raltise as the song
entered its final notes. With one last hand movement, Light Figure
finished the Moonlight Sonata.
But nothing happened.
In what can only be described as a catastrophic explosion, sixteen
people were sent every which way as Dark Uber Raltise roared from the
pile of humanity. His eyes were glowing red, and he held out his left
hand. The Nightmare Rock could be seen glowing brightly on it. With a
piercing scream, Dark Uber Raltise exploded with energy and began to
enter his final transformation.
SimonBob glared at Falcon. "Final transformation!?"
Falcon looked down sheepishly. "...Yeah. No-Nonsense Dark Uber Raltise.
You know, since everyone was all 'Dolewasher falls on him and Raltise
flies into a tree ha ha it's funny!' and that isn't him at all. So you know, now he's completely invincible. Completely."
Giampi sighed. "Lovely."
The delightful blue skies above Munich opened up, and a wave of fire
and brimstone descended from the void, falling upon the group below.
Those who could weather the attack (namely, the respective authors),
were brought down immediately after by a swarm of mini-dwarf Raltise's
flying at them at blazing speeds. Moments later, NNDUR found himself
standing over the fallen bodies of his enemies. In particular, he stood
over the fallen Light Figure.
"I killed you once...and now I'll do so again!" He picked Light Figure
up off the ground and held him high, reaching out his hand in
preparation for driving it through Light Figure's chest. "I bid
you...ad--gurk!"
Mr. A regained consciousness right before this was said. "Ad-gurk?" He
looked up to see the blade of the legendary sword ______ plunging into
Raltise's back and going out the other side. The hands holding the
sword were none other than those of AC Falcon.
"Why...you!" Raltise choked out, coughing up a purple substance similar
to blood. AC Falcon twisted the handle, opening the hole in Raltise's
chest wider. Instead of mortally wounding the unearthly one, however,
it merely opened up a swirling eddy of a blackhole. The sword was
instantly sucked in, followed by AC Falcon, and soon after, the rest of
the group.
---
Old Man Jenkins muttered to himself and shook his head groggily. "Consarnit! Where are we? I'm missin' Matlock."
Giampy looked around himself to find that they were all floating in
what appeared to be the vast expanse of space. What's more, they could
breathe. He did a cartwheel. "Interesting...."
"I'll say." JP murmured, floating over to AC Falcon. "Where are we, anyway?"
AC Falcon looked around at the massive blackness filled with stars.
"We're inside Raltise. The legendary sword won't do squat from outside.
We need to attack him where it will do the most damage."
"And that is...?" Silver Tyrano queried.
"There." AC Falcon pointed behind them all. Authors and AC's turned to
find a massive structure floating in the expanse. It was a large,
purple, oblong shard of rock. The Nightmare Rock, to be precise. A
narrow trench ran across the center of it. "At the end of that trench
is the source of the Nightmare Rock's power. Plunge the legendary sword
______ into there, and he'll be helpless."
SimonBob hefted the legendary sword. "Let's be on our way!"
"Not...so...fast." A quick turn found them face-to-face with the visage
of No-Nonsense Dark Uber Raltise. Behind him stood a massive army of
mini-Ninja Raltise dwarves.
"Hooooo boy." Jeff muttered.
"You were clever to make your way here. But you won't come out alive! You're in my world now!" He motioned with his hand, and the thousand upon thousand of Ninja Raltise Dwarves descended upon the group.
Falcon looked at the Ninja Raltise's, to the Nightmare Rock, then back
to the Ninja Raltise's. "...Yoink!" He exclaimed before grabbing the
legendary sword from SimonBob's hands and flying off in the direction
of the massive Nightmare Rock.
"Hey, wait up!" Liar shouted as the rest of them followed, an army of
disturbingly tiny Raltise's flipping out and acting totally sweet in
pursuit. Raltise led the pack, closing the distance quickly.
FZ and JP flanked Falcon as he roared down the trench. "How are you going to hit a port that small, Falc?"
Falcon looked agitated as he eyed JP. "You worry about those Raltise Dwarves, I'll
worry about that port!" Sure enough, about three hundred Raltise
Dwarves swarmed in and drove JP and FZ off. Falcon looked behind him to
see Raltise closing in. Right before he could reach the port, Raltise
slammed into him, knocking the sword out of his hand and far away into
the reaches of space. Giampi caught it, looked to Skulryk and Liar, and
the three of them went in.
As they zoomed down the trench, hundreds of Raltise Dwarves swarmed
after them. However, right before they could overtake the three, a
large blast of blue, chilly goodness vaporized them. Skulryk looked
back to see Joe in his Frosty Arwing zapping Raltise Dwarves with shot
after shot of delicious beverage. "Here we go!" Giampi shouted as he
made to drive the sword in, but was offset the last second by Raltise
blowing a large blast of stinky morning breath in his direction. He
veered off, holding one hand over his mouth, and tossing the sword to
Light Figure.
Light Figure eyed the trench, then Raltise closing in, then he grit his
teeth and dove toward the trench. "This is Light Five, I'm going in."
Light Figure rocketed down the trench, flanked by SimonBob, AC Falcon,
Mr. A and Hobo Mike. Raltise closed in, firing wildly with his crimson
laser eyebeams.
"Crap!" AC Falcon yelled as one of the lasers singed his wings. Several
more laser shots drove off Mr. A, SimonBob and Hobo Mike, leaving only
Light Figure and the sword ______.
Raltise closed in. "A feisty little one." He muttered.
Light Figure grit his teeth as he soared toward the port, Raltise on
his heels. "What do I do!?" He thought aloud. "I'm just a reincarnated
bad guy turned good! I'm no central AC or author! I can't do this!"
Then, Light Figure heard a voice from far away. Light Figure,
trust in the sweetness of the sword! For it is truly...the Greatest
Sword in the World! Now go and rock their socks off! Light Figure smiled at the sound of Jack Black's voice, and with renewed determination, zoomed toward the port.
"I have you now!" Raltise roared as he locked on to Light
Figure's positions. Before he could finish the newly born hero off with
a well-placed laser eyebeam, he was thrown off course by the impact of
a large golden boot sailing through the air. "What the!?"
"Yaaaaaahooo!" A figure exclaimed as he descended toward the Nightmare
Rock, silhouetted in the light of a sun that just happened to be there.
He crashed into Raltise, sending him out of the trench and careening
wildly into space. "That's the last of 'em, kid!" Dante yelled. "Now
blow this thing so we can go home!"
Light Figure turned toward the port and as he neared it, he raised the
legendary sword ______ high in the air. With one fell stroke, he
plunged the sword into the port. Purple lightning crackled up the blade
and into the hilt, then through Light Figure himself. The sword began
to change shape, but before Light Figure could tell what it was he
pulled the thing out and flew off like the wind. Seconds later, the
Nightmare Rock shattered, vaporized to stardust in a grand purple
shockwave as far as the eye could see.
---
Hobo Mike touched the ground gently, then fell to the ground on his own
accord in his inebriated state. Falcon raised an eyebrow. "We're...back
in the Path of Darkness fortress?"
"Appears that way." JP muttered.
"Is he gone? SimonBob looked around him.
"Can't be." Giampi frowned. "The island is still here."
"Right you are!" A ghastly voice exclaimed as Raltise rose high into
the air from a pile of rubble. "You may have destroyed my Nightmare
Rock powers, but I still possess the power of Dark Figure! Now...to destroy the Lylat System! -- err, I mean all of you!" Raltise raised his hand, and dark tentacles began to lance outward.
"Hold it!" Light Figure shouted, causing the tentacles to halt in their
path. Everyone turned to him. What was once the legendary sword ______
was now a totally sweet acoustic guitar.
"That's awesome!" Skulryk exclaimed.
"Hey, we all have them!" FZ shouted, and sure enough
everyone now found a totally sweet acoustic guitar strapped around
their necks. Even Silver Tyrano had a super-jumbo-sized-tyrano one.
"Now I'll finish my song like I was meant to." Striking up a chord,
Light Figure began to play a totally sweet version of the Moonlight
Sonata on the acoustic guitar. Pretty soon, all the other ACs and
Authors flipped out and joined in, wailing away a hardcore version of
the classical song as they did so. Raltise seemed to shrink further
back as this happened, and he began to shake.
"No...no....no!" He shouted. But it was too late. The
group had finished their rockin' rendition of the Moonlight Sonata. A
sound from above caught their attention, and all eyes turned skyward to
find a blue ball of light descending from the black and red sky. It
touched ground and seemed to pulsate, taking on a humanoid form.
Raltise cowered.
The blue ball of light took the form of a grey Giygan, who blinked at
the group curiously through squinted eyelids. He then turned to Raltise
and glared. Raltise held his hands up disarmingly. The Giygan pressed a
few buttons on his wrist, and his whole body shimmered as a human
disguise took its place -- the guise of a lean boy with white hair and
a pair of blue-tinted glasses. "Raltise! What have you been doing!?"
Raltise huddled in a corner. "Nothin', Talus! Honest! I didn't mean any
harm. I was just playing with my friends here!" Talus looked from
Raltise, then back to the battle-worn group, then Raltise again. He
approached the Nightmare Demon and grabbed him by the ear. Raltise
yelped as he was pulled up by his ear and dragged away. "Owwww ow ow ow
ow ow ow ow!"
Talus returned to the center of the room, holding Raltise by his
earlobe, and he looked at the assembled crowd. "He ran off, you see,
and I couldn't find him anywhere. I was hoping
someone would call to say they'd found him. Sorry for any trouble he's
caused, he can get a little out of hand." He looked to Raltise. "When
we get home you're staying out in the garage for a week!"
Raltise protested. "But Young Master...!" He couldn't finish the
sentence before the blue ball of light gobbled them both up once more
and they took off into the sky.
The group stared at the spot they had just left for a few minutes
before Light Figure passed a sign to Falcon. He read aloud. "Missing:
One Nightmare Demon. Answers to Raltise. If found, play the Moonlight
Sonata immediately."
SimonBob sighed and looked upward. The black and red was fading, giving
way to a calm, blue, cloudless sky. "Well, that was anti-climactic."