Almighty Force
And what is this mysterious force? The IFers can tell you: it's the power of the obscure reference!

The remaining two authors and the other ACs stood their ground as Dark Uber Raltise dove at them. FZ raised his hands and summoned ten more Bruce Lees to distract him. Dark Uber Raltise screamed in rage and blasted the karate masters into nothingness. As the smoke cleared, he gazed around the battlefield in search of his prey to find that they had disappeared.

He turned sharply to see FZ and Mr., A flying toward him with jetpacks on their backs. They connected and sent the villain sailing into a tree. Mr. A landed on the ground and shouted, "Now Hobo Mike!"

Mr. A waited anxiously for the barrage of booze bottles to come flying past him but nothing happened. He turned to see Hobo Mike guzzling German beer from a large keg. Dark Uber Raltise laughed insanely as he appeared in front of Mr. A and prepared to annihilate him, when he was blasted away by a stream of mustard.

Joe stepped forward with his frosty machine, now with a large tank of mustard attached to it. Dark Uber Raltise stood up and laughed.

"What kind of idiot attacks someone with mustard?"

"Oh, this isn't just any kind of mustard. This is the mustard of your doom!"

"Y'know, now that I think about it, my skin kinda feels tingly...IT BURNS!!!!" DUR ran around crazily as the acid-mustard burned at his skin. He eventually tripped and fell into a keg of beer. The keg shattered and the resulting spill washed the mustard off. The villain stood up to find everyone in the park laughing at him. "Shut up..." the crowd continued laughing, "I said SHUT UP!" He flew into a rage and dove at FZ at a blinding speed. He grabbed the author by the face and slammed him into the ground. Dark Uber Raltise smiled insanely as he continued to bury FZ further into the earth.

FZ's eyebrow twitched. The ground behind Dark Uber Raltise rose up and formed into a hand. It grabbed Dark Uber Raltise and began to repeatedly slammed him into the ground.


"Enough," Raltise cried as he freed himself from the gigantic hand. "It's time I finished off you pesky authors."

Raltise prepared to make his final strike, but out of nowhere Hobo Mike knocked him out of the way. Mike was obviously very drunk and happy because he was holding a very large stein. Raltise was knocked back into the crowd of fat people where he kept getting bounced around.

The other authors ran through the streets of Munich trying to find Falc's really hot German friend from English class. Raltise's dwarves were catching up to the group.

"We need to get rid of those things," Simon cried. "They're scaring the heck out of me."

Now as the group passed a single man who was unconscious in the street holding on to his lone stein Giampi got an idea. Having a free hand he grabbed the stein and tossed the beer onto the dwarfs.

"What was that supposed to do?" Falcon wondered.

Since the Oktoberfest is the world's greatest beer festival the beer was quite potent. The beer blinded the dwarfs and Giampi tossed the stein which busted on impact. With Raltise's mini-clones taken care of at the minute the group quickly ran off to clear as much distance as they could. When they reached a seemingly empty alleyway the air began to get warm and clanging could be heard nearby. The authors followed the sound where they found Falc's really hot German friend from English class.

"Hey." Falc said smoothly.

"Hello." She replied.

"We need a favor. Could you take all this stuff, melt it down and make a sword for us?"

"Ja."

Things needed to be short and sweet since Raltise could appear at any minute. The authors handed Falc's friend the broken weapons of OLDSKOOL which she immediately threw into a smelting pot and began to melt down.


Time passed slowly, as it is wont to do in a catastrophe. "Is it done yet?" Simon asked.

"Nein," said the hot German girl.

"Nine what? Nine minutes? I'm confused."

Falcon cuffed Simon upside the head.

"Once the sword is done, though, what good is it?" JP asked. "If Raltise is super-uber-powerful, then he'll just snap it in two with his mind!"

"Wirklich ist die Klinge gegen seine Geistesenergie immun," Hot German said. "Es lenkt ihn ab, damit wir dunkle Abbildung wieder beleben und diesen Song spielen können."

Nobody knew what Hot German had just said, so they decided to wait patiently until the sword was completed. Soon, the tedious swordmaking process was completed. Hot German offered the ultimate blade ______ to the authors.

Two hands tried to take the handle simultaneously. "Hmm," Simon said. "What's the etiquette here?"

Falcon frowned. "I think I get it. You got to be the hero in the last one.

"Yeah, but I beat you up in Duel."

"Only because you waited until I left to finish it!"

They argued onward, the sword forgotten. In the heat of the moment, a third hand reached for the sword, and Hot German let this new arrival take it since it was really heavy.

Hobo Mike hoisted ______ aloft, its shining light breaking up the argument. The authors looked upon the sword with awed reverence. "Well, dang," Falcon and Simon said.

After the traditional holding-aloft was done with, Hobo Mike dropped the sword again. Falcon picked it up. "Okay, let's go!"

"Why go?" a mocking voice announced. "I prefer to stay right here!"

"Look out! It's Raltise!" Simon pushed Hot German out of the way as a bolt of energy shot towards them.

"Hey!" Falcon leapt towards Raltise, swinging ______ as he went, but was shoved aside by the demon's omnipotent power. Raltise turned towards Falcon and addressed him.

"So, you think you have the true power, yes? You have no right to it! Give it to its true master!"

Falcon shrugged. "Alright." He pretended to offer ______ to Raltise, but tossed it to Simon at the last second. Raltise immediately turned to Simon, who in turn threw it to JP. It continued from author to author as Raltise chased it about in a deadly game of keep-away, apparently fixated on the raw power emanating from the sword.

Simon allowed Raltise to get dangerously close to him (ie. close enough that he could smell Raltise's breath), and then gave it an underhand fling to Falcon. Raltise pulled a 180, but before he could chase ______ again, Simon jumped him and grabbed the Golden Laptop from him. Raltise turned back and forth, undecided which was more important to him, and then decided to go for the sword again.

"Yo Falc!" Simon yelled. "Ditch it and grab this!" He threw the Golden Laptop high over Raltise's head. Falcon hurled the sword across the room with all his might. Raltise chased after it, oblivious to the fact that Falcon now had the Laptop. Salivating heavily, he grabbed ______, and bit it with all his might. His eyes went wide with surprise.

"YEEEEEOWWWCH!!!"

"Er dachte, daß es eine Schlüsselkalktorte war," Hot German explained.

"What's a shoe-lussel-caulk-torte?" Simon asked.

"Argh! He thought it was a key lime pie!"

"Oh. Why didn't you say so?"

For his part, Falcon was typing up a storm. "Alllmost there... okay, got it!" The room glowed white, and then the outline of a solitary figure could be seen. As he turned, everyone in the room gasped except Raltise, who was still trying to stop his mouth from bleeding.

"Dark Figure!" they all exclaimed.

"Not anymore, actually. I have become... Light Figure."


Authors and ACs blinked in disbelief. "Well, I certainly didn't see that one coming." FZ stated.

Dark Uber Raltise had finished nursing his lacerated tongue and was now standing up in disbelief at the visage of Light Figure standing before him. Robes of the purest white draped his shoulders, while a kingly white crown topped his head. He held a flute in his hand. Raltise sneered. "You had better not."

"Oh, but I shall!" Light Figure exclaimed. He turned to Falcon. "Maestro, if you please."

"Sure thing." A few more keystrokes on the Golden Laptop, and a set of sheet music appeared before Light Figure on a stand. He placed the flute to his lips and began playing the Moonlight Sonata.

"No!" Raltise exclaimed, dashing toward Light Figure. He was stopped short by approximately sixteen people, Authors and ACs combined (one of which being a large silver tyrano), who promptly tackled him to the ground. The Nightmare Demon screamed in horror as Light Figure finished the first diminuendo, then the second, then the third. The dark powers seemed to radiate from Raltise as the song entered its final notes. With one last hand movement, Light Figure finished the Moonlight Sonata.

But nothing happened.

In what can only be described as a catastrophic explosion, sixteen people were sent every which way as Dark Uber Raltise roared from the pile of humanity. His eyes were glowing red, and he held out his left hand. The Nightmare Rock could be seen glowing brightly on it. With a piercing scream, Dark Uber Raltise exploded with energy and began to enter his final transformation.

SimonBob glared at Falcon. "Final transformation!?"

Falcon looked down sheepishly. "...Yeah. No-Nonsense Dark Uber Raltise. You know, since everyone was all 'Dolewasher falls on him and Raltise flies into a tree ha ha it's funny!' and that isn't him at all. So you know, now he's completely invincible. Completely."

Giampi sighed. "Lovely."

The delightful blue skies above Munich opened up, and a wave of fire and brimstone descended from the void, falling upon the group below. Those who could weather the attack (namely, the respective authors), were brought down immediately after by a swarm of mini-dwarf Raltise's flying at them at blazing speeds. Moments later, NNDUR found himself standing over the fallen bodies of his enemies. In particular, he stood over the fallen Light Figure.

"I killed you once...and now I'll do so again!" He picked Light Figure up off the ground and held him high, reaching out his hand in preparation for driving it through Light Figure's chest. "I bid you...ad--gurk!"

Mr. A regained consciousness right before this was said. "Ad-gurk?" He looked up to see the blade of the legendary sword ______ plunging into Raltise's back and going out the other side. The hands holding the sword were none other than those of AC Falcon.

"Why...you!" Raltise choked out, coughing up a purple substance similar to blood. AC Falcon twisted the handle, opening the hole in Raltise's chest wider. Instead of mortally wounding the unearthly one, however, it merely opened up a swirling eddy of a blackhole. The sword was instantly sucked in, followed by AC Falcon, and soon after, the rest of the group.

---

Old Man Jenkins muttered to himself and shook his head groggily. "Consarnit! Where are we? I'm missin' Matlock."

Giampy looked around himself to find that they were all floating in what appeared to be the vast expanse of space. What's more, they could breathe. He did a cartwheel. "Interesting...."

"I'll say." JP murmured, floating over to AC Falcon. "Where are we, anyway?"

AC Falcon looked around at the massive blackness filled with stars. "We're inside Raltise. The legendary sword won't do squat from outside. We need to attack him where it will do the most damage."

"And that is...?" Silver Tyrano queried.

"There." AC Falcon pointed behind them all. Authors and AC's turned to find a massive structure floating in the expanse. It was a large, purple, oblong shard of rock. The Nightmare Rock, to be precise. A narrow trench ran across the center of it. "At the end of that trench is the source of the Nightmare Rock's power. Plunge the legendary sword ______ into there, and he'll be helpless."

SimonBob hefted the legendary sword. "Let's be on our way!"

"Not...so...fast." A quick turn found them face-to-face with the visage of No-Nonsense Dark Uber Raltise. Behind him stood a massive army of mini-Ninja Raltise dwarves.

"Hooooo boy." Jeff muttered.

"You were clever to make your way here. But you won't come out alive! You're in my world now!" He motioned with his hand, and the thousand upon thousand of Ninja Raltise Dwarves descended upon the group.

Falcon looked at the Ninja Raltise's, to the Nightmare Rock, then back to the Ninja Raltise's. "...Yoink!" He exclaimed before grabbing the legendary sword from SimonBob's hands and flying off in the direction of the massive Nightmare Rock.

"Hey, wait up!" Liar shouted as the rest of them followed, an army of disturbingly tiny Raltise's flipping out and acting totally sweet in pursuit. Raltise led the pack, closing the distance quickly.

FZ and JP flanked Falcon as he roared down the trench. "How are you going to hit a port that small, Falc?"

Falcon looked agitated as he eyed JP. "You worry about those Raltise Dwarves, I'll worry about that port!" Sure enough, about three hundred Raltise Dwarves swarmed in and drove JP and FZ off. Falcon looked behind him to see Raltise closing in. Right before he could reach the port, Raltise slammed into him, knocking the sword out of his hand and far away into the reaches of space. Giampi caught it, looked to Skulryk and Liar, and the three of them went in.

As they zoomed down the trench, hundreds of Raltise Dwarves swarmed after them. However, right before they could overtake the three, a large blast of blue, chilly goodness vaporized them. Skulryk looked back to see Joe in his Frosty Arwing zapping Raltise Dwarves with shot after shot of delicious beverage. "Here we go!" Giampi shouted as he made to drive the sword in, but was offset the last second by Raltise blowing a large blast of stinky morning breath in his direction. He veered off, holding one hand over his mouth, and tossing the sword to Light Figure.

Light Figure eyed the trench, then Raltise closing in, then he grit his teeth and dove toward the trench. "This is Light Five, I'm going in." Light Figure rocketed down the trench, flanked by SimonBob, AC Falcon, Mr. A and Hobo Mike. Raltise closed in, firing wildly with his crimson laser eyebeams.

"Crap!" AC Falcon yelled as one of the lasers singed his wings. Several more laser shots drove off Mr. A, SimonBob and Hobo Mike, leaving only Light Figure and the sword ______.

Raltise closed in. "A feisty little one." He muttered.

Light Figure grit his teeth as he soared toward the port, Raltise on his heels. "What do I do!?" He thought aloud. "I'm just a reincarnated bad guy turned good! I'm no central AC or author! I can't do this!"

Then, Light Figure heard a voice from far away. Light Figure, trust in the sweetness of the sword! For it is truly...the Greatest Sword in the World! Now go and rock their socks off! Light Figure smiled at the sound of Jack Black's voice, and with renewed determination, zoomed toward the port.

"I have you now!" Raltise roared as he locked on to Light Figure's positions. Before he could finish the newly born hero off with a well-placed laser eyebeam, he was thrown off course by the impact of a large golden boot sailing through the air. "What the!?"

"Yaaaaaahooo!" A figure exclaimed as he descended toward the Nightmare Rock, silhouetted in the light of a sun that just happened to be there. He crashed into Raltise, sending him out of the trench and careening wildly into space. "That's the last of 'em, kid!" Dante yelled. "Now blow this thing so we can go home!"

Light Figure turned toward the port and as he neared it, he raised the legendary sword ______ high in the air. With one fell stroke, he plunged the sword into the port. Purple lightning crackled up the blade and into the hilt, then through Light Figure himself. The sword began to change shape, but before Light Figure could tell what it was he pulled the thing out and flew off like the wind. Seconds later, the Nightmare Rock shattered, vaporized to stardust in a grand purple shockwave as far as the eye could see.

---

Hobo Mike touched the ground gently, then fell to the ground on his own accord in his inebriated state. Falcon raised an eyebrow. "We're...back in the Path of Darkness fortress?"

"Appears that way." JP muttered.

"Is he gone? SimonBob looked around him.

"Can't be." Giampi frowned. "The island is still here."

"Right you are!" A ghastly voice exclaimed as Raltise rose high into the air from a pile of rubble. "You may have destroyed my Nightmare Rock powers, but I still possess the power of Dark Figure! Now...to destroy the Lylat System! -- err, I mean all of you!" Raltise raised his hand, and dark tentacles began to lance outward.

"Hold it!" Light Figure shouted, causing the tentacles to halt in their path. Everyone turned to him. What was once the legendary sword ______ was now a totally sweet acoustic guitar.

"That's awesome!" Skulryk exclaimed.

"Hey, we all have them!" FZ shouted, and sure enough everyone now found a totally sweet acoustic guitar strapped around their necks. Even Silver Tyrano had a super-jumbo-sized-tyrano one.

"Now I'll finish my song like I was meant to." Striking up a chord, Light Figure began to play a totally sweet version of the Moonlight Sonata on the acoustic guitar. Pretty soon, all the other ACs and Authors flipped out and joined in, wailing away a hardcore version of the classical song as they did so. Raltise seemed to shrink further back as this happened, and he began to shake.

"No...no....no!" He shouted. But it was too late. The group had finished their rockin' rendition of the Moonlight Sonata. A sound from above caught their attention, and all eyes turned skyward to find a blue ball of light descending from the black and red sky. It touched ground and seemed to pulsate, taking on a humanoid form. Raltise cowered.

The blue ball of light took the form of a grey Giygan, who blinked at the group curiously through squinted eyelids. He then turned to Raltise and glared. Raltise held his hands up disarmingly. The Giygan pressed a few buttons on his wrist, and his whole body shimmered as a human disguise took its place -- the guise of a lean boy with white hair and a pair of blue-tinted glasses. "Raltise! What have you been doing!?"

Raltise huddled in a corner. "Nothin', Talus! Honest! I didn't mean any harm. I was just playing with my friends here!" Talus looked from Raltise, then back to the battle-worn group, then Raltise again. He approached the Nightmare Demon and grabbed him by the ear. Raltise yelped as he was pulled up by his ear and dragged away. "Owwww ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!"

Talus returned to the center of the room, holding Raltise by his earlobe, and he looked at the assembled crowd. "He ran off, you see, and I couldn't find him anywhere. I was hoping someone would call to say they'd found him. Sorry for any trouble he's caused, he can get a little out of hand." He looked to Raltise. "When we get home you're staying out in the garage for a week!"

Raltise protested. "But Young Master...!" He couldn't finish the sentence before the blue ball of light gobbled them both up once more and they took off into the sky.

The group stared at the spot they had just left for a few minutes before Light Figure passed a sign to Falcon. He read aloud. "Missing: One Nightmare Demon. Answers to Raltise. If found, play the Moonlight Sonata immediately."

SimonBob sighed and looked upward. The black and red was fading, giving way to a calm, blue, cloudless sky. "Well, that was anti-climactic."

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