"It is the end of you, foolish authors and ACs," Dark Uber Raltise remarked. "You have perturbed me for long enough. You do not have the mysterious sword ______. Therefore there is no hope for your pitiful resistance. Yes."

"Don't you ever shut up?" Jeff's ghost wondered.

Raltise was clearly disturbed by this remark and raised his hands to destroy the group. He released some balls of fire, but fortune favored the foolish authors. When DUR has tossed Ness/Pancho into the space-time rip he had distorted reality so that even the fourth wall was broken. When the group leapt away they had activated Bullet Time a la Max Payne. Every one of Raltise's shots missed the group by pure contrivance.

"Whoa! We can break the fourth wall again!" Skulryk noticed.

"Couldn't we always?" Mr. Accident mumbled.

With the realization they could break the fourth wall again the group whipped out an assortment of automatic weapons. They fired upon the Nightmare Demon, but he simply raised an eyebrow and the attack was stopped by an invisible shield.

"Indeed." The Nightmare Demon said.

Raltise rose quietly into the air, hovering far above the authors and their friends. Then without a moment's notice he shot downwards and through the hull of the S.S. Thed. However at that same instant space-time warped wildly and sucked everyone away to another reality.

"Now where are we," JP wondered. "And what happened?"

"Isn't it obvious," Author Falc answered. "When Dark Uber Raltise threw Ness/Pancho through that rip in space-time it destabilized all of reality. Now we're subject to random warpings until reality implodes on itself."

"What," FZ cried. "Reality implode on itself? That isn't good is it?"

"Well duh." Mr. A remarked.

"The only way we can prevent reality from imploding is by sealing the plothole by defeating Dark Uber Raltise." Author Falc finished.

"That's all good and well, but I still have no clue as to where we are!" JP demanded.

"It does not matter as you're all going to die!" Raltise roared.

"Oh crud."

Uber Raltise laughed maniacally, somehow shooting small fireballs from his fingertips.

"You foolish idiots don't realize, you are in your own death chamber!"

Ube Raltise finally landed on the ground, and he pulled out his own weapon of OLDSKOOL: a gigantic sword which was the length of an ordinary car, and on the end of the hilt where it met the blade two starmen (the stars that make you invincible in SMB, not the ones we know and love) were on each side. One the top it broke into two different pointed ends, almost like bull horns.

"Time to meet your doom, kiddies!" Uber Raltise shrieked, laughing some more. He raised the sword high up into the sky, and two strikes of lightning hit the sword, powering it up. Uber Raltise charged for the group, but JP raised his hand and yelled, "STOP!"

Uber Raltise stopped there in mid-slash, looking annoyed. "What the HECK DO YOU WANT?!" He yelled, anger rising in his face.

"I'm just wondering, why are you dealing with us, when you could just go destroy the universe right now?" JP asked, all casual-like.

"Because you are all little idiots who I must deal with before I do such a thing!" Yelled Uber Raltise, finally swinging his large sword. The group crouched and barely missed it. He yelled and then lifted the blade high into the sky, swinging once more. This time, though, it went straight into the ground, creating massive earthquakes from the bladetips.

"Heheh... You see, I now found out even though I am Uber, I cannot swing the sword hard enough. So I decided to just let these earthquakes eat you up!" He laughed, floating back up into the sky.

"Crap crap crap." FZ muttered.

Author Falcon jumped away from the crack in the ground that was coming at him and hit the ground with a roll. He stood up and took out his light-pen and threw it at DUR's sword. It connected and stopped the tremors. Dark Uber Raltise floated down to Author Falcon with an annoyed look on his face and grabbed Author Falcon by the neck.

Author Falcon struggled against the villain's grip but found it useless. DUR flung the hero backwards and laughed as a ring of fire shot out of the ground and surrounded everyone.

"Well I guess we know where we are now." said JP.

Falcon screamed as he flew towards the fire wall, only to find that reality had bent itself once more and sent him right behind DUR. He kept flying through the air and hit the villain with incredible force, sending him flying into the fire wall. The antagonist screamed in agony as the flames consumed him. "Well," said Mr.A, "that wasn't too bad."

The ground began to shake again and the flames around the group rose higher. Everything around the group faded into blackness until only the flames were left. The flames subsided and everything around the group brightened again. The group found themselves in a very hot place with demons flying around everywhere. They turned to see a large throne with a very angry Dark Uber Raltise upon it.

He spoke slowly and angrily, "You. Singed. My. CAPE!"

He stood up and flew at Skulryk. He stopped within inches of his face with an open palm. He smiled insanely as a spike shifted to his hand. He prepared to launch it when a hand stopped him. The demon looked to see a shirtless man with black hair and white pants staring angrily at him. The man let loose an impressive barrage of punches and kicks that sent Dark Uber Raltise flying back into a wall. The man jumped into the air and prepared to land a finishing move. DUR stood up and blasted the figure into nothingness in a flash of crimson.

The group of heroes stood in stunned silence.
"Was that Bruce Lee?" asked a very confused Simon. FZ laughed nervously, "Well, I thought that since we could make random stuff appear now, I thought 'What the heck! It couldn't do any harm!'"

As Bruce Lee disappeared into thin air, JP had a marvelous idea:

"Get in the Dolewasher!"

The Authors and ACs clamored into the machine, which was busy picking lint out of its teeth. Old Man Jenkins and Hobo Mike were the last ones in; the former had thrown out his back getting inside and the latter had tried to swindle booze out of an exploding spire of magma that had been formed in one of the rifts. Wafter they were in the Dolewasher blinked out of sight.

Dark Uber Raltise cocked an eyebrow. Were the fools running away? For reasons known only to himself and probably the other people in charge of writing this story, the ragtag group of Authors and ACs were the only thing standing between him and eternal darkness/evil/donuts.

However, as Dark Uber Raltise would soon find out, the group was not running away. Rather, it was merely moving from one place to another via the Dolewasher. Further, it was moving from some place on the ground to a point directly above DUR. The Nightmare Demon had barely enough time to look up before he saw the bottom of the Dolewasher smashing into his head and hurtling him to the ground.

Once the Dolewasher landed the heroes clambered out and inspected their surroundings.

"Do you think we got him?" asked FZ. Joe shrugged. "Dunno. certainly felt like it."

"That's too bad, though," mused Silver Tyrano. "I was looking forward to eating him."

"So...what now?" To answer Giampi's question a loud rumbling emanated from the ground.

Skulryk gulped. "We...didn't get him, did we?"

Liar lowered his head. "Apparently."

Mr. A growled. "Aw, man! Can we ever catch a break?"

"Well, we are the ones writing this, so in a way it's our own fault we're in this predicament," said JP. "On the other hand..."

Falcon's eyes suddenly went wide as he understood JP's statement. "That means that we can turn the tables..."

Simon smiled. "...and we have all these dimensional rifts opening up..."

The three authors snapped their fingers as the train of thought finally reached its destination. "That's it!"

Hobo Mike pulled out a bottle of booze and drank it down. Then he began viciously nibbling on Joe's shoelaces. The latter of the two hardly paid him any mind.

"So what's the plan, man?"

"It's ingeniously simple," replied Falcon. "All we have to do is wait for another dimensional rift, then jump in. For better or worse, we will eventually find the sword ______ in of the pocket dimensions that have inevitably opened up."

FZ tilted his head to the side. "How do you figure?"

Simon raised a finger and twirled it around. "Simple. You see, this is a story, after all, which means that it's being governed by certain literary laws that play themselves out inevitably."

"And?"

"I get it," said Skul. "We will find the sword _________ because it's the only way to really defeat Dark Uber Raltise. The laws of plot dictate that the last resource will usually present itself when it is needed the most."

"In that case," said Giampi. "We'd better get moving. I see a portal over there."

Giampi pointed to a large, swirling purple vortex a few meters away. The group trudged over to it, and, trusting in the Laws of Plot, jumped in. Just before FZ had his turn, though, he ran back to Dark Uber Raltise's OLDSKOOL sword and pulled it out of the ground.

"This might come in handy later," he explained. "Maybe. Let's go."

With those last words the crew jumped in, and appeared in the middle of Fourmoon.

As the group exited the portal and landed in Fourmoon JP was struck by a bolt of lightning. But this was no ordinary bolt of lightning. Nay, it was an idea bolt of lightning that strikes people and gives them brilliant ideas.

"Guys. I've got an idea!" JP remarked.

"What is it?" Giampi wondered.

"What if we've had ______ this entire time?"

"Bwah?" Skulryk said obviously confused.

"Anyone ever play Crystalis?"

A few heads nodded.

"What about it?" Simon asked.

"What if the weapons of OLDSKOOL are actually pieces of the ______?"

"You know that's so contrived it might actually be right," Author Falc commented. "But most of the pieces that are left are back on the Path of Darkness Island."

"Since we're able to travel to different worlds by our own volition now we'll just send a few guys there to retrieve the pieces. The rest of us will keep Raltise busy so that whoever goes after the pieces may go unhindered."

"Alright, but who's going to go after the pieces?" FZ asked curiously.

"How about Hobo Mike since he's got the Hobo Bike?" Simon suggested.

"We can also send Silver, Jeff and Paula." Author Falc added in.

"Hey! Don't we get a say in this?" Paula demanded.

"No!"

So Hobo Mike, Silver, Jeff and Paula drove away on the Hobo Bike to the Path of Darkness Island to retrieve the pieces of the weapons of OLDSKOOL. Meanwhile the rest came up with a plan to keep Raltise busy.

"And that's the plan. I'll keep Raltise busy while the rest of you set up part two of the plan." JP said.

"Why do you get to keep Raltise busy in the first place?" Simon wondered.

"Because I wanna glorify myself right now and I'm the guy writing this blurb."

"Fair enough."

Then a rip appeared in time-space and the Master of Illusions appeared before the group. The others ran off to initiate their part of the plan while JP approached Raltise. To make the moment even more insanely awesome JP changed his clothes to a white t-shirt with a blue-checkered flannel overshirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and totally awesome sunglasses.

So it's come to this. Yes. Round 2. Are you prepared to combat the vision of pure awesome evil that lies before you?" Raltise tormented.

"It ends tonight." JP said obviously copying The Matrix.

"Tonight? It is clearly daytime."

Indeed the sun was shining high in the sky over Fourmoon. JP snapped his fingers and suddenly the moon shoved the sun out of the way, thick clouds grew in the sky and huge drops of rain began to fall. JP stuck his tongue out to catch one of the drops.

"What the," JP remarked. "I asked for Dr. Pepper. This is clearly Royal Crown! No matter for now we battle."

The two began to rush each other. They met in the middle of began pummeling each other with powerful blows because an invisible shockwave soared through the city and shattered all the windows. Raltise got an excellent grip on JP's clothes and tossed him up into the darkness of the night. Lightning flashed and JP felt himself being pummeled by Raltise. Using his author powers JP transported himself behind the Nightmare Demon and whacked him upside the head with a squeaky hammer.

"So that's how you want to play it." Raltise muttered.

A short distance away was the distorted version of the Monotoli Building. Raltise pointed towards it and flew off. JP followed and along on the roof opposite of Raltise. Once more they broke the fourth wall and from behind their backs wielded gigantic swords. They rushed once again and began to swing. With every blow the sky flashed a neon color and the squeaks of a rubber ducky could be heard. The two battled fiercely; neither one giving in to the other. Then each hoping to finish it now swung their sword which on impact shattered into multiple pieces. JP grasped Raltise's collar and lifted him into the air. He looked down for a second and Raltise realized what was about to happen. JP flew downwards holding Raltise in front of him so he would take the full brunt of the blow. The Monotoli Building split and shattered as the two passed through, but instead of chunks of rubble chunks of Jell-O spattered across the city.

"You cheat!" JP cried.

"All is fair in love and war," Raltise replied. "Now it is time to finish you off."

The sky cleared up suddenly and the sun shone once again. An new aroma filled the air. An aroma that appealed greatly to the Nightmare Demon. Raltise turned to see the outskirts of Fourmoon and fell in love with what he saw. There, on the outskirts of Fourmoon, was the world's largest key lime pie ever. Raltise immediately flew off towards the pie to devour it.

"Hopefully that'll keep him busy long enough." JP hoped.

"Psych!" JP had little chance to turn around to the sound of the voice before he felt a powerful blast of energy slam into his back, sending him soaring for miles across the city of Fourmoon. Being the Author that he was, and since JP would probably whine if his character died, he survived the plummet to the ground below. He looked up to find Dark Uber Raltise hovering over him menacingly.

"But....how? That Key Lime Pie should have distracted you!"

"Ah, but this world is mine to control! I merely consumed the pie within a fraction of a second and returned to pummel you from behind!"

"That sounded wrong."

"Quite. In any event, au revoire!" The last thing JP saw was a massive purple and red flash before he felt the force of a ten ton trainwreck crashing into him at full force, sending him through another rip in spacetime and back to the Path of Darkness Island.

---

JP fell out of a rift in spacetime several hundred feet above the ruined fortress. He screamed like a little girl as he plummeted through the air and hit the ground below with a splatter. Fortunately for him, there were several other ACs and Authors below to break his fall, most notably a large silver-colored tyrano.

"Glad you could drop in, JP." Falcon said.

"Oh that was so lame." Simon smacked Falcon upside the head.

"What's our status?" Skulryk inquired.

"We're just missing the handle of the Pitfall Whip." Giampi replied.

"I think I'm sitting on it." Dash said embarrassedly. He stood up. Everyone made a grimace and Joe reluctantly retrieved the handle.

"All right!" Liar exclaimed. "We've got everything. Now we just need to wait for another rift in spacetime and hopefully we'll find someone to craft this for us."

"You have no time to wait, for your time has come!" A malevolent voice bellowed as Dark Uber Raltise stepped from the void. Everyone glared at JP.

"Good job distracting him." Falcon muttered. He was met with a comically oversized hammer to his head courtesy of JP.

"You were the one who wrote it." The other author replied.

"So I did."

Dark Uber Raltise interrupted the delightful exchange with a wall of shadow that brought the group to their knees. The darkness closed in until it appeared as if they were enclosed in nothing more than empty space. Joe shivered. "Now what?"

"I am setting the final stage!" Raltise answered. "You shall enjoy this very much. Yes, yes..." He twirled his left hand slightly, and the darkness began to lift. The sight that met every pair of eyes was almost too much to bear. They were in the midst of revelry as men and women in white and green outfits danced around with pointed caps with feathers in them. Many of the men wore liederhosen. Polka music wafted through the air. Serving wenches moved through the crowd, holding huge steins of beer. Above them was a large banner, and in huge, red and stylized letters read the word Oktoberfest.

"This IF has sunk to an all-time low." FZ mumbled.

"What final battle took place here? I demand to know!" Skulryk demanded to know.

"Why, perhaps one of the most epic battles in our history!" Raltise grinned wickedly. "The final showdown between Mr. Saturn and Hitler!"

The group blinked and turned to Falcon. He looked down sheepishly. "...You wouldn't get it."

"Now, prepare to shuffle loose this mortal coil!" Raltise waved his hand, and several fat German women fell from the sky and on top of the group. The cascade of portly foreign lasses kept coming, so much so that even Silver Tyrano was drowning in them before long.

"Great! Just great! What do we do now!?" Simon yelled above the sound of fat woman falling upon fat woman.

"No sweat, SB! I got things covered!" Falcon shouted in reply. "We're in Germany, right? Well see, there's this really hot German girl in my English class and she might be around here. She might be able to forge the legendary sword for us!"

Simon frowned. "She's a weaponsmith?"

Falcon faltered. "Well...no, but she's hot, and for the purposes of being hot I say she is a weaponsmith."

Simon raised an eyebrow. "But why?"

"Shut up." Falcon grit his teeth. "Come on, we're wasting time. SB, come with me. JP, Skul and Giampi, we'll need some help carrying the weapons of OLDSKOOL and maybe some backup in case trouble arises. The rest of you keep Raltise busy." So saying, the five authors waded out of the pool of German fat and ran off into the streets of the city.

Raltise, however, saw them. "No one shall escape this day!" With a roar, he shot three egg-shaped objects from his mouth. As they flew through the air, they began to take shape until they hit the ground and began running -- three miniature, dwarf versions of Raltise. They gave chase, closing the distance quickly.

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