Hazardous Dukes
Where you'll see more violence than could possibly be healthy

"Hold on just a second Raltise, let me check something first."

Raltise nodded in agreement and Dark Figure took one last glance at his computer and saw that he had been out bid yet again by Coold00d184934, the same guy who'd outbid him previously.

In a fit of rage, Dark Figure picked up his desk and hurled it at Raltise. The demon ducked just in time and the desk flew out of a nearby window.

"You done?"

Dark Figure sighed, "Yeah, I guess. Let's go then!"

-----------------------

Outside the tower, a swirling vortex of evil had opened up again. Evil FZ climbed out of it and smiled.

He laughed and shouted, "Good thing I have a backup Laptop of Everlasting Evil that is directly connected to my brain! With its help, I unfroze myself! Wait, who am I talking to? Oh no matter, I have cheated death once again! I. AM. INVINCIBLE!!!"

At that precise moment, a desk come flying out of the highest story of the tower and crashed onto Evil FZ, killing him. Upon impact, the Backup Laptop of Everlasting Evil got thrown from the scene of the accident and landed in the ocean. As the screen flickered off, the words, "Log out Coold00d184934?" could be seen.

-------------------

Dark Figure and Raltise ran at each other in slow motion, punching each other in the faces and flinging each other back into opposite walls. Raltise recovered first and launched a barrage of spikes at Dark Figure. The imposing antagonist waved his right arm in front of him and sent the attack back to Raltise.

Raltise opened a small plothole in the path of the spikes and let them be absorbed. In a flash of purple, the demon disappeared. Dark Figure looked around nervously, waiting for the demon to reappear. A flash of purple erupted above him.

Dark Figure looked up to see Raltise coming down on him with his arms crossed and legs bent inward. He extended his legs and the last minute, creating a stomping motion that sent Dark Figure through the floor.

------------------------

The group of heroes ran through the corridors of the tall tower and slowly ascended to the top. Everything was going fine, until the group came upon a large open room with gold plated walls.

Old Man Jenkins began to complain bitterly about young whippersnappers and their fancy bling-bling, when the door opened at the opposite end of the room. Out of the doorway emerged Evil Author Falcon, Evil Author Liar, and Evil Author Skulryk, all carrying inverted weapons of OLDSKOOL.



The Dark GunJoustinir let out a soft, greenish glow that bathed Evil Author Liar and made him look several times more menacing that he already was. Evil Author Falcon and Evil Author Skul chortled confidently at the heroes.

"Well, well, look what we have here," sniggered Evil Author Falcon. "It looks like we will have some fun after all. Right, Evil Author Liar and Evil Author Skulryk?"

"Right you are, Evil Author Falcon. Together with you, Evil Author Falcon, Evil Author Liar, and myself, Evil Author Skulryk, we will decimate these fools."

"Quite so, Evil Author Skulryk," added Evil Author Liar. "The three of us, Evil Author Falcon, Evil Author Skulryk, and I, Evil Author Li--"

"Oh for the love of cheese and crackers, laddie!" Old Man Jenkins rapped EAL on the head. "We know your names already! You consarned youth and your evil alter-egos..."

As Old Man Jenkins went into a tirade about the problems with society today, the good counterparts of the Evil Authors stepped up and drew their own weapons of OLDSKOOL.

"We'll handle this," said Skul. "You guys go on ahead."

Liar gave the group a thumbs up. "He's right. We've got this covered."

"But there's three of them and only two of you," retorted JP. "You're at a disadvantage."

Skul rubbed his chin. "Hey, you're right. Now that I think of it, we could use a little help."

Giampi rested the Save the Pac-Man against his shoulder and stepped up. "I'll do it, then." He turned to the others. "You guys go on ahead. We'll catch up."

The ghosts of Paula and Jeff swirled around JP as he nodded and led the group out of the room. Once they were gone the three good authors took up battle poses and brandished their weapons menacingly.

Evil Author Falcon snickered. "I guess I get to fight you, then huh," he said while pointing a finger at Giampi. "Very well. In that case, I'll have to get properly equipped."

In a flash of brilliant energy a Dark Save the Pac-Man materialized in his hands. Once he was done equipping himself with it the three evil authors spread out, ready to face their enemies.

Evil Author Liar smiled and said, "Let's dance." Then he charged.



Dark Simon blocked high, then low, then in the middle, keeping pace with Falcon's assaults while taunting him verbally. "You know I control the Fanfic Dept. Your puny authorship is no match for me!"

"Your mom!" Falcon roared defiantly as he swung for Dark Simon's neck.

"No, yours!" Simon spun around, knocking Falcon's Lightpen back with so much force that Falcon nearly lost his grip. He barely ducked out of the way as Simon's blade flew over his head, forcing him to back off. They stood apart for a few seconds, sizing each other up after the initial assault.

Simon arched his feet, standing up on his toes. Falcon lunged again, but Simon was ready, dropping his blade in front and knocking the thrust out of the way, then slicing across Falcon's body with a flick of his wrist. Another backwards dodge, another moment's pause.

"You missed," Falcon taunted.

"Look again."

Falcon glanced down. There was a big rip in his shirt. "You jerk! This is my favorite shirt!" He attacked again with renewed vigor, forcing Simon to dance and dodge out of the way, keeping him from getting any attacks of his own in. Finally, Falcon's offensive got the better of him; he tripped when he should have slid and wound up on the floor, his pen scattering across the floor.

Falcon raised his arms above his head and brought his Lightpen down on Simon, splitting him in half. The two sides slid apart like an orange, flopping to the floor while making the sound of a squid hitting a hockey rink.

"Well, I guess that's the end of that," Falcon said. Then he noticed something funny. The two halves of Simon were becoming two three-quarters of Simon. In fact, they were seven-eighths of Simon by the time he finished noticing that. Heck, there were two Simons on the floor.

"Hold it," he said before either of the two Simons could talk. "Let me guess. One of you is Good Simon, and one of you is Bad Simon?"

Good Simon and Bad Simon looked at each other. "That is kind of overplayed, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Well, I'd better just off you now then." Good Simon picked up his Lightpen and knocked Bad Simon's head off. "There, that's the end of that. Now shouldn't we be getting that legendary sword or something?"



JP and the others ran through the halls and came upon yet another large door. FZ kicked the door and grumbled, "These stupid doors and large rooms are getting annoying."

"I know," said Joe, "if only we had some sort of large creature that could easily carry all of us and crash through the doorways with ease."

As if to answer Joe's plea, they heard a loud roaring coming from the other side of the door. Mr. A slowly pushed open the door only to find darkness. Jenkins walked forward and slammed into a pillar.

"Look!" pointed JP,"I see something!"

The others looked into the darkness. Their eyes had begun to adjust and they could vaguely see Silver Tyrano and AC Falcon duking it out. The group ran at them but slammed into the invisible force field.

Inside the field, AC Falcon thrust his blades at Silver. Silver screamed in pain as the blades connected. The ACs and Authors tried desperately to break the shield but it was to no avail. Old Man Jenkins, meanwhile, was stumbling around blindly in the dark. He eventually hit the shield and was knocked back.

Most people see stars or bright lights when they receive a sharp blow to the head. Jenkins on the other hand, saw pastel flowers. Jenkins stood up in a rage and pulled out his Hippie Blaster.

"DIE HIPPIE FLOWERS!" The feeble man shouted as he blasted the non-existing flowers. The bullets hit the shield and shattered it.

AC Falcon looked at the oncoming bullets and barley had any time to deflect them. Silver took this brief moment of distraction to swing his head at AC Falcon, sending him flying into a pillar. He lumbered over to the group and hoisted them onto his back. As they charged out of the room, JP said to FZ, "How did Jenkins do that?"

"Simple! I needed him to do something useful in this story so I secretly added uber-bullets to his
arsenal back when we were getting our weapons from Jacques."

----------------------

Raltise stood over the hole that Dark Figure had fallen through and laughed.

"It is time for the final performance!" He laughed as he went over to a filing cabinet and pulled out Ness's Brain.



Author Falcon and SimonBob ran down the hall just then. SimonBob frowned. "Hey, we're three short."

FZ chimed in. "Liar, Skulryk and Giampi are fighting your evil counterparts."

"Oh. I see." Falcon nodded, then he looked up suddenly, his eyes wide. "Wait! Are they using the weapons of OLDSKOOL!?"

JP nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"OMFG we need to get to them before it's too late!" So saying, the group collectively ran off in the direction of the battle. Little did they notice that one other member of their group was curiously missing, or that from the shadows the dark gaze of AC Falcon watched silently before slipping away.

---

Though they had been facing off for minutes, neither side had made a move. Authors Liar and Skulryk faced their evil counterparts, while Giampi stared down Evil Author Falcon.

"So...your move." Evil Liar grumbled.

"You first." Good Liar retorted.

Giampi, being the only one not facing an evil counterpart of himself, saw the situation a little more realistically. "Forget it! Why don't we all just rush each other at the same time!?"

Evil Author Falcon laughed. "Great idea! I like your style! Get ready!" The three evil authors crouched low, and the good authors did the same. Then, the charged, raising their respective weapons of OLDSKOOL high in the air. As they neared each other and they were about to connect, the door burst open and the remainder of the group rushed in. Falcon ran ahead of them all, and as he saw what they were doing, he screamed out at the top of his lungs.

"STOP!"

But it was too late. Weapon of OLDSKOOL connected with inverted weapon of OLDSKOOL, and what followed can be described as nothing more than a brilliant flash of light. The force of the blast sent the combatants sailing back. Being Authors, the good trio were fine, but the opposites, being nothing more than evil AC recreations of the authors, were vaporized as they smashed into the wall. As the light subsided, a swirling blue and purple rift in spacetime stabilized itself in the center of the room.

Falcon smacked his forehead. "Great."

Skulryk blinked in disbelief at the shattered DK Hammer in his hand. "But...but Jacques gave us these weapons! Why would they do this?"

A piercing laughter echoed throughout the room and all heads turned toward a single body floating in the air -- a certain Tolplot with a Frenchman's name. Jacques hovered feet off the ground with his arms folded, and he slowly descended. "You authors and ACs are far too gullible. You actually believed that you could defeat me? You have a surprise in store." Jacques' form slowly began to transmogrify -- growing taller, changing to shades of black, and affecting a pale white visage. Uber Raltise stood before them now, in all his glory. The Ness' Brain/Pancho hybrid was tucked under his arm.

Silver Tyrano growled. "It was you all along!?"

Uber Raltise chuckled. "Yes, yes...quite so. You see, I am the Master of Illusion and all Plot Holes, and thus I was able to take the form of one, and ultimately the form of Jacques."

Simon glowered. "But Jacque helped us in the first GIFE! Why would you do that!?"

Raltise shrugged. "It is why I am the Master of the inexplicable plot hole. It doesn't have to make sense."

FZ raised an eyebrow. "Then how did he know you were going to try something." He thumbed in Author Falcon's direction.

Raltise rolled his eyes. "Pffft, he's writing this, isn't it? I mean, that should be obvious."

Falcon looked down, embarrassed. "It's true."

JP strode over to him and shook him. "What's he going to do next, then!?"

Falcon pointed, not looking up. "That."

The group collectively turned their heads in Uber Raltise's direction to find him nearing the rip in spacetime with the Ness/Pancho hybrid. "Once I toss these poor saps in here, the entire world -- nay, worlds -- will be at my mercy. My dark, chaotic power will spread throughout both the real and imagined cosmos, and no one will be safe. Are you ready, heroes? This is the final curtain call! "Uber Raltise raised his hand high, ready to hurl the protesting Ness's Brain/Pancho Hybrid into the swirling eddy. "Being the Master of Illusion, I bid you..."

"Not...so...fast." A menacing voice interrupted Uber Raltise's speech. Everyone turned their heads rapidly to the source of the voice. In the case of Old Man Jenkins, his feeble bones couldn't take the strain and he threw his back out, collapsing to the floor in the process. A massive, collective gasp filled the room as they found Dark Figure standing beside a rather imposing and monumental machine similar to that of a laser beam. He held a remote control in one hand; the other held a chunk of Zexonyte. "I've been waiting for this, Raltise."

A cough followed. "Uber Raltise." The Nightmare Demon interrupted.

"Whatever! The point is that though you may be the more powerful villain, I am the more cunning, and I knew you would try to doublecross me. So I had this contingency built for such an occasion. This is the Sapmotron, and it can sap the respective power of any individual that I choose, but more than that it transfers not only the power but the very being of that person into the target. In this case, the target is me, and the victim is you. With the press of a button, you'll cease to exist, and I'll have all your powers." Dark Figure laughed in a dark and figuresque manner.

Raltise, however, remained nonplussed. Dark Figure snarled. "Are you testing me!? You think I won't do it! Well test your might!" Somewhere far away, the Mortal Kombat theme began to play.

The two stared each other down, neither one moving, not a breath escaping from anyone in the room. After several seconds, Raltise pursed his lips, and then he grinned.

"Push the button, Einstein."

Dark Figure yelled and slammed his fist down on the button. The Sapmotron roared to life and began to vibrate. A bright green glow began to pulse from the base of the weapon to the tip, at last shooting out a thin stream of green energy straight toward Uber Raltise. Raltise merely stood there, his arms folded, waiting for the beam to connect.

However, at the last second, the beam turned around completely and headed for Dark Figure. The Darkest of Figures had no time to dodge and little more chance than to let a yelp escape his lips as the beam slammed into him and coated him in a fine green glow. The agony of having his very life essence sapped from him sent the malevolent antagonist to his knees. Uber Raltise approached.

Dark Figure gasped as the life faded from him. "...Why? What could have gone wrong?"

Uber Raltise released a horrible strain of peeling laughter before pointing to the machine. On the side of the machine was a dial with Dark Figure and Raltise's faces on it. The dial was set to Dark Figure. "I took some precautions of my own." He shook his head. "Honestly, what kind of idiot puts a dial like that on a machine like this?"

Dark Figure lost all feeling in his arms and collapsed completely to the floor. Uber Raltise knelt down by him. "It's funny...you tried to make yourself a king among men, to return yourself to this world in order to conquer it like you tried to do before when you were defeated by that pathetic Dante...little did you realize that it was I who allowed you to return!"

Dark Figure looked up, pain in his eyes, shock and despair upon realizing the truth. Uber Raltise merely smiled as strands of Dark Figure's matter began to waft like the wind upward and into his person. "Yes, yes...all this time you thought you had self-substantiated, that you were able to get out of the plot hole of your own volition, but it was merely I who let you out in order to aid in my very plan." Uber Raltise stood. "It's a shame, really. You could have been something great, but instead you ended up being nothing more than one of the puppets." He turned. "At least consider it an honor that you provided some amusement for a short amount of time."

Dark Figure gasped once more as the machine finished doing its work. He held one hand up toward the malevolent demon who was walking away, whispering out his final words. "I...never got to finish the Moonlight Sonata..." he echoed before he faded from existence entirely.

Uber Raltise had now gained the power over shadows and darkness once possessed by Dark Figure himself. He put them to immediate use by summoning several shadow tentacles to reach out and crush the Sapmotron into bits so it could not be used again. He then turned to the group of heroes. "Well, the stage is set, and now the curtain has risen upon the final act! Come, puppets, and try to sever your strings!"

Falcon and SimonBob, having the most experience Raltise and being bothered the most by being bested by such an oddball AC, bum rushed the unearthly one, but met a solid invisible wall that sent them careening backward. They fell back into the crowd, and it was at this point that Silver Tyrano bounded forward, intent upon having a delicious evening snack. Instead, when he bit down, it felt like biting into firecrackers wrapped in concrete. He yelped and moved away, nursing his swollen jaw. Having seen this display, the remainder of the ACs and authors prompted to play it smart and keep their distance.

Dark Uber Raltise pouted. "Awwww, is that all? A pity. Well, this performance shall end early, then!" So saying, Dark Uber Raltise tossed the Ness/Pancho Hybrid into the rip in spacetime. There was no time; no one could have stopped him. This deed done, the rip flashed and pulsed violently before expanding and sucking up the whole Path of Darkness Island in one gulp. The towering fortress disappeared before their eyes and the heroes found themselves hurtling uncontrollably through the stream of time and space to the destination of another final battle. As the unnerving roller coaster came to a stop, The ACs and Authors plummeted from the sky and landed with a thud upon a wooden platform. Coming to his feet, JP could see that they were on the deck of a massive ship.

Dark Uber Raltise roared with malignant laughter. "Ladies and gentlemen -- but pretty much only gentlemen! Welcome to the SS Thed!"

Back Forward