"No matter!" Raltise exclaimed, holding a finger in the air. "For I have the solution!" So saying, Raltise waved his hand slightly and summoned a plothole, which then sucked out all foreign traces of the deadly Microsoft Operating System out of the Golden Laptop and into the void of oblivion.

Dark Figure frowned. "Well, that was easy."

Raltise shrugged. "Hey, that's what plotholes are for. It doesn't have to make sense."

"Well, now that that's solved, I had a brilliant idea. Pass me the laptop." Raltise handed the Golden Laptop to Dark Figure, who then proceeded to type up a storm. After several minutes, he hit Enter, and then passed the laptop to Raltise. Raltise stared at the screen intently.

Then he looked at Dark Figure.
Then back to the screen.
Then back to Dark Figure.

"I love you." Raltise said.

---

Meanwhile, Skulryk had begun to explain his brilliant plan which involved turning Old Man Jenkins into a motorcycle and then riding him to Mexico, and freedom. He had procured several audio and visual aids, most of which he pulled out of the depths of the Dolewasher. However, he had only just begun the explanation of his elaborate plot when he was interrupted by SimonBob, much to his, and everyone else's surprise.

"I've had enough of this!" the Simon chipmunk yelled in a rough voice. He began hopping up and down. "This is getting us nowhere! We're not anywhere closer to stopping Raltise and Dark Figure, and on top of that, I'm a rodent! Of some sort." His fur began bristling, and a dark, pulsating aura began to emanate from his body. "I've had all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" So saying, Simon Chipmunk's body erupted in a flash of blinding light, forcing everyone nearby to cover their eyes. As the light subsided, it left the vague shadow of a humanoid figure.

"Oh, crap." Liar said.

Simon was a chipmunk no longer. He had returned to human form -- albeit a grotesquely altered one. His face was pure white, and he bore into those around him with malevolent, black eyes. He licked a pair of fangs and brushed an inky black bang of anime-style hair out of his eyes. His flannel had changed to a distinct blue and black pattern. He had become Dark Simon.

Dark Simon proceeded to drop a nuclear warhead on Rainy Circle, leaving it nothing more than a smoking crater. Miraculously, the whole of the group had survived. Apparently, Silver Tyrano's silver scales were magical and could withstand a nuclear blast, so everyone had hidden behind him. Silver Tyrano then proceeded to lean down and gobble Dark Simon up.

However, Dark Simon didn't agree with him, so he spit him back out and walked away to take a nap because his stomach was bothering him. The remainder of the group turned to face Dark Simon. Giampi, Giampy, JP, FZ and Liar immediately jumped inside the Dolewasher to hide. Meanwhile, Skulryk, Dash, Old Man Jenkins, Hobo Mike and Joe took turns hitting Dark Simon with sticks and stones they found lying around -- with little to no effect. Paula and Jeff, being ghosts, merely watched the proceedings. Falcon Chipmunk was busy tossing walnuts at Simon's head.

This was all brought to an abrupt close when a beam of purple and blue energy enveloped Dark Simon in a containment field, rendering him harmless.

"What." Skulryk said. He looked around and immediately noticed Panchette, flanked by two men in business suits and sunglasses, each holding a Ghostbuster-like apparatus, both trained on Simon.

"Panchette!" JP exclaimed, crawling out of the Dolewasher. "Where did you come from?"

"Actually, I've come to help you." Panchette said in a rather mannish voice. As if on cue, she began shifting and changing, molding herself into humanoid form, becoming a corporeal entity. In a matter of moments, Panchette the Personable Plothole had turned into a tall French man in a white tuxedo and top hat. His hands were folded before him.

"Well I'll be." Joe murmured.

"Allow me to introduce myself to those of you who don't know me. I am Jacques, of the Inexorable Tolp Lot. I would probably be the "old friend" that Simon expected. However, he is not in the best of shape, as you can see." He motioned to the detained Dark Simon. "Come, we have much to discuss. Follow and learn." Jacques began to head in the direction of the hole in the middle of Stonehenge.

---

Dark Figure and Raltise quietly stepped through the front doors of Sears, which had materialized by virtue of the Golden Laptop. They were quickly followed by Good AC Falcon, Evil Author Falcon, Evil Liar, and Evil Skulryk. The small group stopped briefly near the carriages, where Raltise at last spoke.

"I shall be in the Lawncare section...taking care of a few loose ends. You are free to do as you will." He turned to Good AC Falcon. "My friend, I trust you with this charge." He handed the Pancho/Ness's Brain hybrid to Good AC Falcon. "Guard it with your life." Raltise turned to the three Evil Authors. "The rest of you! You are free to do as you wish." Like a trio of wicked imps, the three Evil Authors giggled and scampered off to do mischief.

"Come on, Pancho/Ness' Brain. Let's go get a snow cone." The hybrid under his arm, Good AC Falcon proceeded toward the direction of the adjoining mall.

Once Raltise was out of sight, Dark Figure grinned cunningly and rubbed his hands together. "Little does he know the special clause I wrote into this store." He quickly turned and headed toward a glowing green aisle filled with all sorts of space meteorites, rocks and fossils. He approached a certain glowing, jagged shard, snatched it up, and quickly pocketed it. "Ahhhh...at last! The zexonyte I required to finish my dastardly machine!" A strain of laughter followed.

This was cut short, however, by the sounds of screams and explosions from the Lawncare section. The charred remains of several rakes landed at Dark Figure's feet. Dark Figure rolled his eyes and proceeded to checkout.

He was joined shortly by the three Evil Authors, who were holding several pairs of pants between them. "We went on a trouser hunt!" Evil Skulryk exclaimed. "We got one hundred and twenty three pairs of trousers!" Evil Liar and Evil Author Falcon punctuated this statement with a wicked giggle.

Dark Figure grinned. "Wonderful, wonderful. We can feed them into the machine to power it further! Now, let's pay for this and --" He was cut short once again by the din of hundreds of rakes exploding in midair. He rolled his eyes again. However, the following sentence made him cringe.

"And now, for the ultimate justice to this foul establishment! I bid you...adieu!" The distinct whine of Nightmare Rock energy powering up filled the air.

"To the exit!" Dark Figure shouted, dashing toward the automatic doors. Dark Figure, the three Evil Authors, and Good AC Falcon along with Pancho/Ness's Brain (both munching on delicious snowcones, by the way) all darted out of Sears before the whole store exploded in a massive purple fireball.

As the smoke and rubble cleared, Dark Figure could see Raltise hovering several feet above the mangled remains of the building. Several feet and arms stuck up from the debris -- the remnants of the hapless shoppers therein. The Nightmare Demon floated slowly to the ground.

"Well, that is enough of that." Raltise nodded resolutely.

Dark Figure nearly throttled him. "You idiot! You nearly killed us all! Are you insane!?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Oh. Right."

"This matters not, Darkest of Figures! For we have...bigger fish to fry now." Raltise withdrew the Golden Laptop seemingly out of nowhere and began typing rapidly. After several minutes, he pressed Enter and handed the laptop to Dark Figure. "Observe." Dark Figure stared intently at the screen.

Then he began to laugh. Slowly at first, but picking up speed and pitch, the laughter filled the endless wastes of the Sears parking lot. Soon, Raltise and the others joined in. Even Good AC Falcon joined in reluctantly.

Raltise smacked Dark Figure across the head and took the Golden Laptop back. Immediately all laughter ceased. Raltise's face was red. "Only I may laugh!"

---

Within the depths of Stonehenge Base, Jacques stood before the assembled group of do-gooders. Off to the side, Dark Simon was being contained within a capsule, left in the same imposing and demonic stance that he was captured in. A nearby capsule, which was filled with steam, hissed open, allowing the steam to escape, along with a human figure. Author Falcon stepped out of the pod, clearly back to his real form. "Ahhhh, delightful. Well, Jacque! What do you have for us?"

"I'm glad you asked. Being of the Tolp Lot, it is my duty to guide you along the plotted path toward the climax, and so that is why you are gathered. I have gathered you because I have very grave news for you all."

"Well?" Dash interrupted. "What is it?"

"I'm getting to it. Keep your pants on." Dash, who was beginning to unbutton his trousers, abruptly stopped and looked about sheepishly.

"Now, Paula and Jeff, I'm sure you're wondering why you felt this need to pursue your ghostly forms. To this I pose you a question -- where was the last story in which the two of you were ghosts?"

The Jeopardy! music began playing as Paula and Jeff spoke quietly to each other. After a pause, their eyes widened, and they both looked to Jacques. "You're kidding me." They said in unison.

"Yes, that's right!" Jacques held a remote up and pointed it at a viewscreen behind him, pressing a button. The screen lit up with the image if an almost unearthly island. It was a small land formation, with the a large beachfront and then a sandy road leading up to a small entrance into a large mountain, which dominated the island. A single signpost jutted out from the sandy road, and on this signpost read the words Horizon Drive.

"I'm sure you are both familiar with the Path of Light Island. It's been a place of contention for you in the past. It's the focal point of all Light PSI power in the EarthBound world and subsequently the GIFEverse. Needless to say, Raltise is going to try to finish what he started in fics past."

Liar scratched his chin. "What has he done?"

"Simple." Jacques replied. "Using the power of the Golden Laptop, he has transformed the island from this..." He motioned to the picture onscreen. "...into this." He pressed another button on the remote. The serene island was quickly displaced by an imposing fortress. The ethereal mountain was replaced by a tall, dark and jagged palace. The sky was an eerie hue of black and red, tinged with streaks of purple lightning.

"The Path of Light Island has been perverted into this abomination, the Path of Darkness Island. It is now the stronghold for both Raltise and Dark Figure, along with their cadre, your evil counterparts." Jacques shook his head solemnly.

"Ha ha, I'm such a good writer." Falcon interrupted.

"What about the Pancho/Ness's Brain hybrid?" Giampi questioned. "Why do they need him?"

"That is the dastardliest part of their plan. They've kidnapped Pancho/Ness's Brain hybrid for a single purpose. As Paula and Jeff may remember, Ness was the key to unlocking the Path of Light, to unearthing its limitless potential. In the same breath, Pancho is the living embodiment of the power to cross worlds. Simply put, they are using the Hybrid as a conduit. With the Path of Light tainted the way it is, Raltise and Dark Figure have created a beacon of evil within this world. Using the Hybrid, they can now not only spread it throughout the GIFEverse, turning it into a world of unbridled malevolence and chaos, but they can also affect the real world as well."

"So...what you're saying is...we're screwed." Liar murmured.

"Not quite. You can still intercept them in time. We've prepared a few rides for you." So saying, Jacques motioned to his left, where Trez the Thought Dragon and Hobo Mike's Hobo Bike hovered. "Trez can take the lot of you, but Hobo Mike's bike is faster. We've retrofitted it to take three, aside from the pilot, so you'll have to decide who will get there first. You'll need to keep Raltise and Dark Figure busy while we wait for Simon to come to his senses. Once he does, he and Falcon can wield the mysterious sword ______, which, by the way, we have locked away in our armory under safe-keeping."

"Well, that's convenient." Skulryk rolled his eyes.

"This is all the help I can give you. Good luck, and May the Force be with you." Jacques nodded.

"And also with you." The group replied in unison.

"Booze." Hobo Mike muttered.

After much deliberation, the group had decided to send FZ, Joe, Falcon, and Hobo Mike to take the Hobo Bike and the rest would take Trez. The large group of heroes walked down a long and narrow hallway with Jacques.

"This," he opened a heavily armored door, "is our armory!"

The group looked on in awe at the racks and racks of weapons. The group giggled insanely as they grabbed weapons and stuffed them in cliche trench coats. When they were ready, they positioned themselves on the Hobo Bike and Trez.

With a roar, the Hobo Bike rocketed out of the base and toward Path of Darkness Island, with Trez closely behind. Jacques waved at them and shouted, "Bye kids! Have fun storming the castle!"

He then returned to Simon, ready to send him to the island the moment he awakened.

Silver had woken up from his nap and had some dinner (Elder Battys with a side of Ramblin' Evil Mushrooms), so naturally he was in the mood for a conversation. "Soooo..." he began, trying to think of something that could engage a bodyguard's interest. "Nice guns you got there, ever try crossing the streams?"

The guard on the right shrugged. "Once, yeah. It went pretty bad."

"How bad is 'pretty bad?'"

"There used to be three of us," the left guard explained.

"Hmm." Silver nodded sagely. He glanced around the recently-bombed clearing. "I guess this place is gonna be pretty nuclear for a while..."

He was saved from his need to carry on small-talk by the return of Jacques. "Hello, hello! How is our dear friend Simon doing?"

The guards came to attention. "Still encapsulated, sir!"

Jacques nodded. "And how are you holding up, Silver? Keeping busy?"

"This is boring," Silver complained. "I want to go eat those bad guys."

"Ah, yes, eating bad guys, it's what we all want in the end." The Tolp Lot turned back to Simon's bubble. "As soon as Simon's back to normal, we'll go get them. I'm sure there'll still be a goon or two left for us!"

Despite Jacques' reassurances, Silver was worried. "Maybe he's better already?" he suggested. "The sooner we go, the sooner we can finish this..."

"Well, alright, let's check on him! Transparency to 50%!"

The bubble shimmered and became see-through. Silver, Jacques, and the bodyguards gasped as one collective shocked being.

<Hi,> said Clarence the Wolf. <Would you mind terribly letting me out?>

Silver bared his fangs. "Who are you? Where'd Simon go?"

<I'm Clarence the Wolf, the best darn wolf character in any EarthBound fanfic ever. Technically, I live in Simon's mind, and he summons me when he needs me for a situation where a man can't do a wolf's job.> Clarence winked at them. <There seem to be an awful lot of those. The advantage to this is that I'm also a separate being from Simon, so if he gets in big trouble then I can summon myself to save him.>

Silver shook his head. "This is too confusing for me. Let's just get you out of there."

Jacques waved his hand and the shield disappeared. Clarence bounded out, shook some snow out of his fur, and then... changed back into Dark Simon. "Thanks, bro! I owe you one!" He shot into the sky like Superman and disappeared from view.

The stunned silence that ensued was broken only by the rustling of a crocodile in the bushes.

"...Was that supposed to happen?" Silver finally asked.

"You know, on second thought, I think Clarence had white fur the last time I saw him, but this time he was positively dark grey..." Jacques stroked his chin. "He may have turned evil when Simon did."

"Well, great freakin' time to notice!" Silver roared. "Right after we've been had by a deer-munching quadruped!" He started to climb out of the crater.

"Wait!" Jacques called after him. "Where are you going?"

Silver turned his head for a moment, a snarl upon his face. "I don't care if he is the chosen one to wield the blankety-blank sword or whatever, or even if he's my author. I'm going to eat him."

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