Michael Washington looked around in
Winters. He was rather confused; He had emerged from the wreckage of a
helicopter with very little memory, met some very odd people, then
watched them take off on jets. He stood in the snow, rather annoyed at
being left behind.
"Well that was quite strange. Now what the devil am I supposed to do?"
In the distance he could make out a small, purplish light. Squinting,
he walked towards it. It appeared to be a floating vortex of sorts.
Before Michael could think any more, he could hear a voice in his mind.
Hello there
Clutching at his head, Michael shouted "What? Who's there?"
Why are you yelling? I can hear you quite well through your thoughts.
Rather perplexed, Michael slowly tried to grasp the situation. Who... what are you? he thought.
That's better. I'm a plothole. I'm what happens when the story
suddenly forgets something, such as forgetting about an important event
or leaving a character behind. Enrich Flavor, who was just coming to, got hit in the head by a falling tree as the forth wall collapsed.
Michael ignored this event, simply concentrating on the plothole. So why are you here? he thought.
Isn't it obvious? You've been left behind. Now come on, if you want to get back into the story.
Story? What are you talking about?
Not talking. Thinking.
Whatever. You know what I meant.
Forget it. Just get in. Or you can stay behind and fade out.
Michael pondered this for a moment. So much had happened so far that he didn't even find this telepathic vortex that strange. Why not? he thought. What do I need to do?
Just get in. Don't worry, I'll drop you in a place where you can get back into the story.
Shaking his head, Michael closed his eyes and jumped towards the
vortex. He felt something smack him in the face as he hit a tree. The
vortex had jumped aside the moment before.
Ahh, I love doing that. Sorry. the plothole said. Ok, let's go
The vortex swirled over Michael, growing bigger in size until it enveloped him. It then shrunk and winked out of existence.
Please buckle your seatbelts as we may be encountering some
turbulence. Our estimated time of arrival is 15 minutes, give or take a
few minutes due to possible newbie posters. Please sit back, relax, and
have a nice day.
Shortly after, Winters was enveloped by a nuclear explosion, along with Enrich Flavor and his ultimately fruitless story arc.
-----
Fifteen minutes, 37 seconds later
"My god, they don't pay us enough to deal with this crap! We just
finish rebuilding this bakery the third time from the last attack, and
now this nuclear blast vaporizes the bloody thing!" screamed a
carpenter.
"Tell me about it!" his co-worker said, hoisting up the final pane of
glass, completing the bakery. "What gives? This city blows!"
Suddenly, a purple vortex opened up in the sky. It shot out a person
before accidentally sucking in a passing flock of geese then winking
out of existence once again.
Flying down to earth like a meteorite, the person suddenly crashed
through the front window of the bakery, shattering the glass and
causing severe damage to the interior. One of the carpenters looked at
the scene in horror, staring from the broken glass to the person who
had just gone flying through.
On a side note, a funny thing about plotholes is, they are occasionally
known to give any travelers inside a bit of an intoxicated feeling.
While most people usually pass off this side effect to the impact upon
hitting the ground, or the lack of physical form inside a plothole, it
can be quite serious in some people.
As Michael Washington stood up from the rubble, it was quite obvious
that he had changed. He had inexplicably grown some stubble, his
clothes were torn, and he suddenly carried the scent of cheap whiskey.
Glaring around the room, only one thing came to mind.
"Whar's me booze? Ah need mah drinks!"
One of the carpenters charged at him, furious at the sudden destruction
of the bakery. Hobo Mike simply shoved him aside, sending him into the
foundation of what was to be the new school. Hobo Mike let out a roar
as only one thing came to his mind.
Booze.
In another time...
In another place...
In the Authors' home dimension!
JP walked into his living room holding a fresh cup of coffee. He sat
down at his desk and logged into his computer. He checked his e-mail
and then hopped over to Starmen.Net to see the latest happenings.
Poundings noises arose from upstairs and JP turned on Winamp.
"Hey! Shut it off down there!"
JP continued to surf the web while turning up the volume. Slowly the
apartment began to shake. JP turned down the volume, but the apartment
shook even more violently.
"I said shut it off!"
The apartment shook so hard that JP fell out of his chair when
something suddenly crashed through his ceiling. The room was
immediately filled with dust. JP scrambled to open the door to let the
dust out. He coughed several times as the dust filled his lungs, but
nothing prepared him for what was in his living room.
"The afro suits me!" Dolewasher proclaimed.
Then Dark Figure, Raltise and Giampy crawled out of Dolewasher.
"We have arrived, Raltise! Now our conquering may go unhindered." Dark Figure said.
"Who are you?" JP asked.
"You! Are you a writer on GIFE II: The Last Second Chance?" Raltise demanded.
"Why do you ask...? Raltise? Dark Figure?"
"Yes. We have come to kill you and the rest of your fellow GIFE authors!" Dark Figure said.
"Why?"
"Because every post you make dictates our every actions making you...
making you... gods! As long as you control us the villians shall never
win. So we have broken that accursed fourth wall once again so that we
may kill you and be free at last!"
"Ok..."
"Fool! Aren't you afraid?" Raltise asked.
"If you can break the fourth wall then so can I."
JP was about to do just that when he noticed something on Raltise's finger.
"What's that?" JP gasped pointing at the thing on Raltise's finger.
"This? It's a Super Spy 5000 Decoder Ring." Raltise answered.
"YOU FOOL! YOU MAD, MAD FOOL! Do you realize what you've done?"
"What?"
"I have the same ring. Both their presence in this world will cause a paradox that'll destroy us all!"
"Oops."
Then suddenly the roof was ripped off of JP's apartment. In the sky was
a swirling vortex that was swallowing everything up. Everyone could see
the GIFE universe on the other side of the vortex. Among the things
being immediately sucked in was JP's upstairs neighbor.
"I thought I told you all to shut up!"
In the meantime, Michael stopped his drunken rampage and raised an eyebrow.
"Was that a disturbance in the ether?" he asked aloud. After a few seconds of silence he shrugged.
"Nah."
***
JP looked on in horror and mild annoyance as his computer was sucked up
into the vortex dividing his dimension from the GIFE II dimension. He
had anchored himself to Dolewasher, who was busy rambling about tax
returns. For some reason Raltise and Dark Figure were unfazed by the
screaming vortex. Giampy was almost flung to the air, but the hood of
his sweatshirt caught on a pole and he was left there, dangling in the
wind.
"We have to do something!" JP looked around frantically. "We have to destroy the paradox!"
Raltise cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side. "You're the writer, why don't you destroy the paradox?"
JP shot Raltise a sneer. "At what point in this conversation has it
been made apparent that I'm capable of doing that, when my computer's
been destroyed?!"
Dark Figure nodded. "He has a point."
"Of course I have a point, you bumface!!"
Giampy crossed his arms, lost in though, then snapped his fingers.
"Say, I know! Why don't you just get one of the other writers to fix it?"
Everyone else paused and did a double take on Giampy. He seemed unfazed.
"Sure! All you have to do is edit the story so that Raltise takes off the ring before coming here."
Giampy was about to continue when the pole he was on snapped. Had he
not grabbed onto the walls of JP's apartment and climbed down to
safety, he would have surely ended up in a spinning vortex with his
molecules compressed into a space the size of a tiny jellybean.
While this was going on JP rubbed at his chin. That could actually
work...but who would be able to edit the post where that event took
place? If only he still had his computer...
And then, Giampy was hit by various chunks of debris.
JP's eyes widened. "That's it!"
***
Giampi was stirred from his sleep by the sound of his mobile phone
playing the Funkytown song. Groggily he put the phone to his ear while
he ambled out of bed and into his kitchen, where he proceeded to make
himself some coffee.
"Hello?"
"Giampi, this is JP!"
Giampi yawned and poured some coffee into his mug, then put some toast in the toaster. "Yo JP," he drawled. "'Sup?"
"Well, the fourth wall has been breached and now I've inadvertently
created a space-time paradox that has united this dimension with the
GIFE II, and is threatening to destroy everything!"
"...you were carrying the Super Spy 5000 Decoder Ring, weren't you."
There was an awkward, pointed silence before JP responded.
"Um...maybe?"
Giampi shook his head. "So," he said while he munched on a piece of toast. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well, since you're the one who wrote them as coming here in the first
place, then you should edit it so that Raltise takes off the ring before he gets in the Dolewasher."
Giampi washed down his toast with some coffee. "Okay, I'm on it. By the
way, you really should turn down the volume on your computer when you
run Winamp. I can hear the noise all the way over here."
"That's the space-time paradox!"
"Oh. Okay then."
Giampi hung up and, after calmly finishing his breakfast, went over to
his computer. He looked over his writing until he arrived at the event
JP had mentioned.
quote:
"The Dolewasher isn't satisfied!" growled the Dolewasher in a gruff tone. Dark Figure soon jumped in the Dolewasher, followed by Raltise, who had grabbed Giampy by the scruff of the neck and dragged him along. Once inside the Dolewasher was activated, and within seconds it had disappeared, leaving only a few sparks in its wake.
Very calmly, Giampi opened up the "Edit" menu and typed in something at the very end.
quote:
EDIT: By the way, Raltise took off his Super Spy 5000 Decoder Ring before he left, so as to avoid any unnecessary paradoxes that might threaten to destroy existence.
"It's working!" JP crashed to the floor as the sucking vortex
disappeared, once again separating this dimension from the next.
Raltise and Dark Figure looked unimpressed. Giampy looked relieved.
And then some more debris fell on him.
"Well, that certainly was a waste of time," said Dark
Figure. He and Raltise exchanged glances before looking to JP, who was
using the Dolewasher to stand back up. Raltise smiled and Dark Figure
dug Giampy out of the rubble.
"Now, where were we..."
"I guess you're wondering when it was that I decided to make my agenda
of mass destruction international. Well, it's an interesting story. One
day, I was hanging out with my third cousin's chameleon -"
"Silver!" Falcon called out. "What are you doing?"
Silver turned and snorted at the bird-author. "I think it was obvious that I was breaking the third wall."
Falcon was about to snort back when something occurred to him. "There's
only one person I know who would try to pass off something like that as
being clever when it was actually really stupid... therefore I deduce
that SimonBob is your author!" He produced a cell phone and dialed a
number in Canada.
"*click* Hi, it's Simon. I'm not here right now because I'm hiding in a
bunker twenty floors below sea level. Some idiot decided to blow up
North America. So if you can hear this, I guess he didn't do a very
good job. Leave me one. *BEEP*"
"Darn it! He's never around when you need him!" Falcon called Simon insulting names before hanging up angrily. "Okay, so now what?"
"We could go visit Simon's bunker," Silver suggested.
Falcon scoffed. "You'd have to be able to travel long distances really
fast without getting tired in order to do that. You'd need a jetpack,
or an aircar, or..."
"Or dinosaur legs?" Silver demonstrated his ability to walk by stomping around. "I can get us there before sundown."
Falcon thought this plan over. "Okay, fair enough." Everyone climbed
onto Silver's back and they headed north towards the dangerous
dragon-infested lands of Canada.