We
now interrupt this GIFE for something completely different. The Starmen
Community Players are proud to present this evening's feature: Raltise Goes to Sears
Raltise walked into through the sliding doors to the Home Gardening
department. For some strange and inane reason Dark Figure had decided
he wanted to start a rose garden while he waited to be utterly destroy
by some contrived plot device. Just seconds in the door Raltise stopped
to stare at something. The rake, his old nemesis.
"Ah, the rake. My old nemesis." Raltise said as he picked the rake up.
"Now at last you are in my grasp."
Then suddenly out of nowhere a rake smacked him on the back of the head.
"What the?"
While he turned another rake smacked him. Then another and another and
another and you get the point here. Raltise ran out of Sears his face
heavily bruised by the beating of the rakes.
"One day I shall have my vengeance" Raltise said before being smacked by one final rake and passing out.
--------------------------------------------------
"Raltise! What happened to you?" Dark Figure said as Raltise walked back into the base I don't know about.
"I was attacked by an inane plot device in an attempt to resurrect the
topic and provide humor at my expense." Raltise answered.
"Curses. We must get vengeance upon those who do this to us."
"But how? We are dealing with beings so powerful they write our entire destiny for us."
"Then we must execute... THE ULTIMATE PLAN!"
"What's THE ULTIMATE PLAN?"
"We will go to the writer's home dimension and destroy them!"
"Excellent! How shall we do it?"
"The next poster shall decide!"
It was at that very moment that Giampy walked in with a Frosty in his left hand.
"Ah...the gods of contrivance have smiled upon us once more, Raltise,"
said Dark Figure sagely. Raltise nodded in apprehension. Giampy just
stared.
"How'd I get here? I was going to Winters!"
"Not anymore, sparky," said Raltise, who quickly snatched the Frosty
from Giampy's hands. "You're going to help us get revenge on...the rake."
Giampy gasped. "No, not...the rake?!"
"Yes! The Rake!!" Dark Figure let out an insane
cackle while a distant thunder crash was heard outside even though it
was noon and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
"And what makes you think I'm even capable of helping you? I don't even know who you are!"
"Hah!" Raltise chuckled condescendingly. "Pretty words coming from the one who tried to end this fanfic on repeated occasions!"
Giampy sighed. "Again with the ending thing? Look, you have me confused with someone--"
"Silence!" Dark Figure grabbed the Frosty from Raltise's hands and
placed it on top of the toaster. The mystical forces at work within the
Frosty activated a space-time rip that opened to another dimension
while simultaneously transforming the toaster into a Dolewasher.
"The Dolewasher isn't satisfied!" growled the Dolewasher in a gruff
tone. Dark Figure soon jumped in the Dolewasher, followed by Raltise,
who had grabbed Giampy by the scruff of the neck and dragged him along.
Once inside the Dolewasher was activated, and within seconds it had
disappeared, leaving only a few sparks in its wake.
Good thing, too, for just then two jets came crashing in through the
ceiling. Out of one stepped Falcon, who raised his hands and stuck out
his tongue.
"Wassaaaaaaaaaap!"
After maintaining that pose for a few seconds, he lowered his hands and closed his mouth.
"What happened here?"
Joe, Jenkins, and Silver Tyrano emerged from the crashed jet pods and stood around Falcon.
"Ooogh," observed Jenkins, rubbing his head.
"Squeak," remarked Silver Tyrano.
"Is this Fourside?" queried Joe as he checked his Frosty machine for damage.
Turning around to address the small group, Falcon briefly scanned their
surroundings. "It certainly doesn't look like Fourside..." he thought
aloud.
Joe finished checking his Frosty machine and looked around. He suddenly started in surprise.
"I recognize this place!" he exclaimed. "This is Dark Figure's Dark and Ominous Lair of Darkness!"
Falcon took another look around. It certainly seemed right. The walls
were a dark shade that was not exactly black, but could not be readily
identified as being any particular color. The floors appeared to be a
sort of black marble; not too shiny, but definitely not dull. At one
end of the room in which the adventurers found themselves, there was a
very large desk made of some very dark wood. Behind it was a very
large, dark, and unoccupied chair. Behind the chair was a very large
window, the view from which revealed a high-altitude vista of what
appeared to be a mountain range. Several large, dark wooden doors could
be seen in various places in the room, with the largest and most ornate
being on the wall opposite the desk.
"This is a pretty sweet evil lair," Falcon commented.
"If this is an evil lair," began Jenkins, "then where's the evil guy?
Villians these days, I swear; can't even be bothered to watch their own
lairs... consarned tootin' whippersnappers. Why, back in my day..." he
rambled.
"That's a good point," Joe pondered. "If I remember correctly, when I
was working under Dark Figure, he almost never left his lair except
when he was on a very important mission that required his presence for
plot-advancement purposes."
"This can't be good," muttered Falcon. "Dr. Andonuts must have screwed
up big time; Dark Figure's lair is nowhere near Fourside."
"...And what about his evil henchmen? Where are they? You'd think
they'd at least have the gumption to protect their fortress while the
master is away. Why, I remember the days when villians were villians,
and they could actually get competent help..." Jenkins was still
rambling.
"Hey, the old dude's got something there," Falcon observed. "We just
crashed through the ceiling into the inner sanctum of the penultimate
bad guy's lair; why haven't we been detected and exterminated yet?"
"Squeak!" exclaimed Silver.
"Shut up, mousey-boy," replied Falcon. "As I was saying, it seems a
little odd that there doesn't appear to be any sign of activity
whatsoever besides - "
"SQUEAK!" continued Silver Tyrano, and suddenly a dramatic chord
played, and the suspenseful hidden music from EarthBound began to play.
"I thought I told you to shut - wait." Falcon paused in mid-sentence. "Was the suspenseful music playing when we got here?"
"Nope," Joe replied.
Suddenly, one hundred heavily armed ninjas dropped from the ceiling,
and the music changed to the New Age Retro Hippie battle theme.
"SQUEEAK!" Silver complained loudly about his lack of translation. This
was incredibly frustrating. Falcon was trying to convince the ninjas to
"stay cool," Jenkins was ineffectually trying to help Joe freeze the
ninjas, and yet he, Silver Tyrano, the scourge of the Underworld, was
forced to watch from the vantagepoint of a common vermin.
I just don't know what to do with myself, he thought as a ninja flew over his head in an attempt to kick Falcon. When
I was a Tyrano, it was so simple to just go on a rampage, or eat some
villagers, or whatever... I can't figure out what to do with myself
like this!
Jenkins finally managed to get the Frosty hose working, encasing the
flying ninja in solid ice. Unfortunately, Newton's laws of motion
caused the instant iceberg to soar into Falcon anyway.
Silver continued to think, oblivious to the events around him. Well, there's no point in moping about it. This is Dark Figure's evil lair, there should be something to help me around here...
He scampered past a nunchuk-weilding ninja, under the table, and up the
side of the chair. A short hop from the armrest got him on top of the
desk. He skittered around momentarily, wondering what to do next.
Suddenly, the nunchuk ninja slammed into the side of the desk, knocking
a precariously balanced toaster on its side. The electronicized voice
of Ellen (or maybe Betty) the secretary asked what she could do for
Dark Figure today.
Seeing an opportunity, Silver ran over and squeaked repeatedly into the
toaster. "Oh, dear, you've turned yourself into a mouse again, haven't
you, sir?" Ellen said sympathetically. "Well, let me just turn on the
de-mouser..."
A laser beam shot out of the toaster and hit Silver, lifting him off
the desk. His fur fell to the ground, revealing gleaming silver scales
underneath. His nose began to bend upward, forming a horn, while his
back legs and tail became larger and more powerful. Within moments,
Silver the mouse was no more.
"Well, well, well. Ninjas." Silver Tyrano smiled terribly at the
shocked martial artists. "It'll be my pleasure to eat you, since you're
so totally sweet..."
The Ninjas screamed in utter madness and confusion as Silver Tyrano
tore into their ranks. The black-clad elite scrambled, every one of
them fleeing for their lives before the presence of the mighty beast.
Silver was having the time of his life.
"That's right, run! Tremble before the power of the Scourge!
...Err, I mean, Silver Tyrano! Yes, that'll do." Silver mumbled to
himself as he picked up a frantic Ninja and prepared to eat him in one
gulp, the hapless martial artist protesting all the way. However, right
before he gobbled the little morsel up, Silver felt a rather heavy blow
to his skull, one that would have cracked open the head of a lesser
creature. At first glance, it was an uncharacteristically and comically
huge mallet; on second glance, it was being held by Falcon. Silver fell
over, dropping the Ninja, who immediately scurried away. The Tyrano
rubbed his bruised head. "Owwww, what'd you do that for?"
Falcon put the mallet away -- how, it was hard to tell, for he put it
behind his back and it inexplicably disappeared -- and glowered at his
rampaging buddy. "What do you think you're doing!? These are Ninja! They are my brethren! I shall not let you devour them like so many M&Ms!"
Silver protested. "Actually, I like Skittles."
"That's not the point!" The mallet appeared once more and cracked
Silver's noggin a second time, this time causing it to bleed profusely.
Silver covered his head with his paws and shrank away from the
rampaging bird-man. "Let me take care of things. I'll negotiate with
them." Falcon walked over to the Ninja Leader, who was recognizable by
his totally sweet gold shoulder-tassels. Suddenly, the Hippie Battle
music changed to the background theme from Grate Guy's Casino, and
Falcon and the head Ninja began to debate furiously.
Old Man Jenkins leaned over to Joe. "Hey, uh...you got anymore of that there Frosty left?"
Joe frowned and looked at him. "We're in a fight to the death with a group of deadly Ninjas, and you want a Frosty?"
Jenkins was taken aback. "Hey, you're a Frosty vendor, aren't ye, laddie?"
Joe sighed and made the old man a Frosty. He turned to Ness's Brain in
a Jar, which was sitting on top of the machine. "So, what do you think
they're talking about?"
Ness's brain seemed to pulse angrily. "I'm a brain in a jar. I have no ears or eyes. Why are you asking me?"
"Fine, forget it." At that moment, Falcon turned around, a grin on his face. Silver Tyrano visibly frowned.
"What is it?" Tyrano bellowed.
Falcon positively beamed. "As we are both ancient Ninjas of the Totally
Sweet Clan, the head Ninja and I have agreed to battle for control of
his clan in a duel of wits and cunning!"
Silver raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"
"We're going to Mooby's."
"Mooby's?"
"Yes. Mooby's."
---
In short form, the massive group of individuals arrived at Mooby's.
Silver Tyrano stood between Falcon and the Ninja Leader. "All right.
This is a contest of wit, cunning, and who can flip out more. You will
be judged based upon the level of flip-osity. Begin!"
Falcon and the Ninja Leader approached the ordering counter. A cheerful
woman on the opposite side smiled at them. "Welcome to Mooby's! May I
take your order?"
The Ninja Leader remained silent.
"Uh, sir?" The girl questioned.
The Ninja Leader remained silent.
"Sir, what will your order be--gack!" The girl exclaimed as the Ninja
tossed a shuriken at her, lodging it firmly into her shoulderblade. She
fell onto the ground, in shock. In the background, a golf-clap was
elicited from the assembled crowd. Falcon huffed.
"Pfft, that's nothing. Watch this." He approached the counter, speaking
to another girl this time. She smiled as the first girl had, and asked
for his order. He smiled. "I'd like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. And
Super-Size it." The girl looked perplexed.
"Uh, sir? We don't have that here. This isn't McDona--"
"I'd like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. And Super-Size it."
"But sir -- aieeeee!" The girl screamed as Falcon plunged a katana
through her forehead. She fell to the ground, clearly dead. An
'Ooooooooh' echoed in the background. Both the Ninja Leader and Falcon
jumped over the counter, grabbed some food, and sat down at a table.
They began eating.
The Ninja took a sip of his milkshake, and then blanched. It was Strawberry! He had asked for Chocolate!
The Ninja Leader bolted from his chair, drink in hand, and approached
the counter once more. He motioned to the shake in hand, pointing to
the sign to indicate that he had ordered a Chocolate shake, not a
Strawberry one. The girl across the counter frowned.
"But sir, you didn't order anything. You killed our cashier, jumped
over the counter, and took what you wanted!" The Ninja looked peeved.
He jumped over the counter and ran into the kitchen, a katana in each
hand. A series of screams and cries for help followed, along with a
plethora of metallic clangs. The Ninja strode out once more, having
murdered the entire Mooby's staff. He had sheathed both katanas, and
was happily sipping a Chocolate shake. He returned to his seat amid
roarous applause. Falcon grimaced.
"Alright, alright. Fine then." He took a bite of his hamburger. He
frowned, stood up, and took the hamburger to the counter. "Ma'am, there
are pickles on this. I specifically asked that you hold the pickles!"
No one replied on the other side of the counter.
"I demand that you remove these pickles, post-haste!"
No one responded to Falcon's demands, for the entire kitchen staff was
dead. Falcon withdrew a semi-automatic from behind his back and rained
bulletfire upon an oil tanker passing along the nearby road outside.
The tanker immediately exploded, causing a massive fireball to rise
into the air, taking nearby traffic and the front of the store with it.
Nothing more than the charred remains of the buildingfront remained.
Silver held up a sign displaying Falcon's #1! on it.
The Ninja, not to be outdone, merely sat there, sipping his milkshake
peacefully. He seemed to have entered a zen moment, for his eyes were
closed. Falcon studied him, perplexed. Nearby, a patron dropped a
spoon. It fell to the floor, and a metallic clatter resounded about the
restaurant. The Ninja Leader's eyes shot open.
Five seconds later, the entirety of the town had been wiped out. From
the smoking crater of the Mooby's, Falcon stared in disbelief at the
absolute devastation around him. The audience on the side looked about
them in wonder. Silver's jaw had dropped, crushing a hapless Ninja
below him. They turned to Falcon, hopeful looks knowing in their hearts
that this was hard to beat. Falcon looked about himself, nervous,
unsure of what to do.
A single plastic ball from the playpen rolled across the floor, colliding lightly with Falcon's foot.
---
"That's it, the satellite is almost fixed. Keep going...just a few more
connections...." Astronaut Jones was busily working on the repair of a
television satellite while orbiting the planet Earth. His attention was
suddenly diverted by an incredible flash of light escaping the planet,
and as he turned to look, his face paled, and his heart nearly stopped.
From his viewpoint, he could see a massive mushroom cloud rising
upward, rapidly escaping the atmosphere, the entirety seeming to
encompass the whole of the American Continent.
"Oh my gentle Jesus..." He murmered.
---
As snow began to rain down from the nuclear fallout, the Ninja Leader
stared at Falcon in utter shock. Beyond them, as far as the eye could
see, nothing but barren wastes remained. In the distance, Dark Figure's
stronghold was noticeable, for it apparently had plot-hole capabilities
allowing it to escape destruction. Falcon grinned.
"Well, looks like I'm the new Ninja Master! C'mon guys, let's go get a pizza."