Planning Session
In which useful decisions are finally made

The darkness cleared from the room in front of him as he regained consciousness...

"...Ugh, my head...where am I?"

Dash slowly began to regain his bearings, and tried to think his way back to how he ended up in such a precocious position as he was in now.

"Okay... so I told Paula that it wasn't going to work out... Maybe that's why I'm here? No, maybe it-"

"WHOA DUDE! YOU'VE GOT YOUR HEAD STUCK IN THE WALL!"

Yes. It happened. Dash suffered dearly for turning down Paula's affections by being thrown headfirst into the concrete wall of a parking garage, and breaking through, only partially, to the other side.

"...Yeah, could you get me out of here?"



Old Man Jenkins stepped out of the lab for a brief moment to do some more complaining, when he noticed the former Hobo Mike. He dropped his new-fangled soda-drink and stomped over to him, brandishing his cane.

"Why I remember you!"

"You do? I'm certain that we have never met before. And I'm certain that I would remember such a...colorful character such as yourself."

"Don't play dumb with me whippersnapper! I never forget a face! You thought that you could hide from me! But I know! You're...FIDEL CASTRO!"

"I beg your pardon?"

Falcon stepped in and gently pulled Jenkins away from Michael. He spoke to him apologetically, "I'm sorry, but he hasn't had his medicine in quite some time, I can assume. Now you say your name is-HEY is that Mr. Flavor?"

Falcon pointed on the ground next to Mr. Washington at the unconscious Enrich Flavor.

To make things even more confusing, an Arwing landed and let out a little Italian man holding a brain before transforming into a Frosty Machine.



Jeff Andonuts woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He fumbled around for his glasses, found them, put them on, and picked up the receiver just in time to hear the person on the other end hang up. "I hate it when people do that," he told the dial tone.

He was just drifting off when the phone again. This time he grabbed the phone without going for his glasses first. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Jeff Andonuts?"

"Yes, did you just call?"

"Nope."

Drat! Now star 69 won't work, Jeff thought, his face twisting with annoyance and sleepiness. "Who is this?"

"My name's Tola Foloroka, and I own a Funky Winters Bean franchise in Threed. Listen, you know Paula Polestar, right?"

I only happened to hit Pokey with a bottle rocket right before he tore into her unprotected robot body. "Right."

"Well, she was here with some guy, and I think it went badly because she really tore the place apart."

Jeff sat up in the bed. "What do you mean, tore the place apart? She smashed it up?"

"Burned it down, more like. With that psychic power of hers. The guy she was with got away, I think."

"Where is she now?"

"Somewhere in the city, I'm sure. I didn't bother to follow her. I would've called sooner, but I was talking to the cops. They say it's the biggest potential threat to Eagleland security since that dinosaur stomped Twoson..."

"That's probably right. Thanks for the call."

"No problem."

Jeff hung up and reached for his glasses. He was still tired; he was accustomed to working until he fell asleep, then getting up and working some more, but the interruption had left him on half his usual sleep time. He could sleep on the Sky Runner, though. He had to go find Paula. The first call had probably been from her. She'd called Jeff almost every day after breaking up with Ness almost a year ago; every day, in fact, except for the last few days.

On a hunch, Jeff dug out a calendar and checked the date. "Good lord!" he exclaimed. She'd stopped calling him on the one-year anniversary of her breakup!

"This can only be bad," he said to himself as he climbed aboard the Sky Runner Mk. IV. The moment he left, the phone rang again.

-----

Tony sighed, picked up the receiver again, and hit redial. Jeff really needed to know about Dalaam crashing into Winters, he was sure of it, but the phones had only just come back up and Jeff didn't seem to be answering his phone. First he didn't answer, and then there was a busy signal, and now he wouldn't answer again. "Maybe he got call display to avoid me," Tony muttered to his Village People poster.

-----

"The Polestar kid? I think she went thataway."
"Yeah, I saw Paula go into that garage, but she came back out all flustered and stuff."
"Saw her go past the drugstore. Can I have an autograph? You're my favorite."

Jeff was surprised. The coffee shop was nothing short of incinerated, but there was none of the usual 'trail of destruction' that most evildoers blazed through a city, meaning Jeff had to follow the eyewitness accounts. He knew in his heart that Paula was a good person, but he would've thought she'd put more effort into losing her head.

"Yessir, Paula Polestar was headed that way," a friendly con man told him. "I saw her go into the Two-Three Tunnel."

"The Two-Three Tunnel?" Jeff repeated. "But that means she was headed to... Twoson." The memory of one year and three days ago flashed through his head. The three of them at the Fourside Dept. Store food court. Ness was putting vinegar on his fries, and some splashed over onto Paula's dress. He was apologizing like crazy but she just stormed off... and the next day, Jeff got a phone call. And the next day. And the next.

He'd tried to bring up Ness, but she would always change the subject, or even just hang up. Meanwhile, she seemed to be hitting on him, although neither of them suggested going on a date. Jeff couldn't fathom the twists and turns of the female mind, so he wasn't bothered in the least. But now Paula was going back to her hometown, and Jeff was going to follow her and try to talk some sense into her. Fools rush in, he thought grimly to himself.



Joe set Ness's brain jar down on top of his re-transformed Frosty machine and surveyed the small group of people, wrecked buildings, and crashed helicopter. The Frosty machine, sensing its cold surroundings, poked a hoselike contraption out of its side and began sucking up snow to refill its Frosty tanks.

Joe frowned thoughtfully for a moment and then approached Falcon.

"You there!" he exclaimed. "I need to find the Chosen Four. Dark Figure has returned!"

"Tell me something I don't know," replied Falcon. "Ness's brain is in that jar over there, as I'm sure you know, Paula is probably cutting a swath of destruction through Fourside, Jeff's whereabouts are unknown, and I think Poo is getting drunk again." He gestured in the direction of Poo, who had indeed already managed to make himself rather tipsy again.

Joe frowned again, less thoughtfully this time and more nervously.

"Refresh my memory," said Joe, gesturing towards the jar sitting atop the Frosty machine, "but just how and why is Ness's brain in a jar?"

"I think it was during the random burst of insanity that is required to happen at the beginning of every Greatest IF Ever," Falcon replied.

"Question." Joe twitched his moustache nervously.

"Yes?"

"How can there be more than one Greatest IF Ever?"

"Because it's a sequel." Falcon answered flatly.

"Another question," began Joe. "What's an IF?"

"Argh! Nevermind," Falcon muttered, "We've got to leave some of the fourth wall intact."

Joe almost considered asking what a "fourth wall" was, but thought better of it. He frowned again instead.

"Well, I guess we really should track down the rest of the Chosen Four," Joe continued after a moment's awkward silence. "We can't really hope to stop Dark Figure without their help."

"I guess you're right," said Falcon. "Brain boy over here probably won't be much use."

"Hey, I heard that!" Ness's brain shouted, despite apparently lacking any vocal or breathing apparatus.


**********


Dark Figure brooded again. This time, he had some new stuff to brood about. Alone in his large office, he was thinking, for the most part, about Raltise.

It irritated him to be working under the secret control of another. He had wanted all along, of course, to accomplish his goals on his own, without having to play lackey to some other figure. That, and Raltise's attitude really got to him somehow. And yet, he realized that Raltise's power would be indispensable in achieving his objectives.

On the other hand, he also realized that it would ultimately be necessary for him to fight against Raltise; one of them would have to betray the other in some way or another, and an epic struggle for power would ensue. After all, that's what always happens in the movies, he reasoned. He would just have to double-cross Raltise before Raltise decided he was no longer a necessary part of his plans. Dark Figure pushed down the lever on the toaster on his desk and spoke into it.

"Betty?" he demanded.

"Yes, Mr. Figure?" his secretary's nasal voice came from within the toaster slots.

"Remember that little device I had Dr. Armuffin build for me a few years back?"

"Of course, Mr. Figure," Betty nasaled. "What about it?"

"It just needs one more thing to make it fully functional." Dark Figure scratched his chin. "How soon can you find someone to get me some Zexonyte?" he asked.

"I'll find someone right away," she replied.

Dark Figure flipped the 'off' switch on his toaster and leaned back in his big chair. A slice of nicely browned toast popped up out of the toaster, and he grabbed it and munched thoughtfully, a satisfied grin on his face.


That grin was soon erased from his face as a piece of dry toast caught on his throat.

Frantically Dark Figure began pounding on the myriad of buttons on the control pad in his desk. Several hidden compartments on the walls and floor opened up, producing various lights, sounds, and tiny little remote control cars. In a desperate attempt at dislodging the toast from his throat he stood up and ran into a nearby wall. It did not work.

Once Dark Figure's head was turning a deep shade of blue not unlike that of the girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Betty walked back into the office carrying a post-it note, on which she had scrawled a few telephone numbers.

"Excuse me, Mr. Figure, I--oh sweet harmony!"

Within minutes Betty had lugged Figure off the floor and propped him up against a chair. Fortunately, she had been well trained in the art of Heimlich-kwan-do, a requisite in Evil Secretary school, and after a few well placed body slams she succeeded in causing the dry piece of toast to fly out of Figure's throat. It hit the window and slid down it slowly. It was very disgusting.

"Are you all right, Mr. Figure?" Betty asked frantically. Dark Figure waved her off, then sat down on his chair and crossed his legs and arms.

"You saw nothing," he said in a brooding tone.

"E-excuse me?"

Figure lowered his eyes. "You. Saw. Nothing," he repeated. "Now, do you have any new information for me?"

***

Meanwhile, the lone figure known only as Giampy was taking a walk around Fourside. He cast a rather puzzled glance over the city, which had been all but destroyed by Paula's mad rampage. He'd heard about several other things over the news as well.

"Man, I've missed a lot of stuff happening," he said outloud. "I'd better do something."

a_passerby walked past. "Weren't you trying to end this a while ago?" he asked, annoyed.

"You must have me confused with someone else," replied Giampy.

"No, seriously."

"Seriously, no. My name is Giampy."

"Um...okay...see you then..."

With those words the two parted, and Giampy headed towards Winters, where he hoped to find someone--anyone--that could use his assistance.

"Well," said Falcon, "I think that we should all go to Fourside first, seeing as how we know that Paula is somewhere over there."

The other's all nodded in agreement. "One last thing," started Falcon again, "Jenkins, you said that while you were in that plothole, you met some guy with a key lime pie right?"

"Yup. That crazy hippie was-"

"Yes, yes fascinating, but do you remember his name by chance?"

"Hmmm, it was Ral-Ralpho, or maybe Bob..."

Falcon's eyes widened, "Was it," he gulped hard, "R-Raltise?"

"Yes, that was it!"

"Crap! He's -"

Deep in the lair of Dark Figure, a pale hand waved through the air and a laugh followed.

Falcon stopped suddenly, "What was I saying?"

Joe piped up, "Something about some Raltise guy."

"Raltise? Never heard of him. Let's continue with our plan. We should find get Dr. Andonut's back from his most recent drunken state and get him to whip us up a couple of jets."

Ten minutes later, after the picture guy had come and gone, Dr. Andonuts had finished building two small jets.

"Well, there may be a couple of slight bugs to work out, but it should get you guys to Fourside. Good luck!" Said Dr. A jovially as the groups split up and went into the jets, ready for the next step of their journey.

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