"Now look here, son. Even in my
day, we understood the concept of the doorknob. Here, let me help you
there, lad!" Old Man Jenkins reached out and turned the doorknob while
Falcon quietly peeled off the side of it in a rather comical fashion,
hitting the snow with a soft crunch. Silver Tyrano, who had been on top
of Falcon's head, hopped off just in time and bounded through the dark
doorway, deep into the famous Andonut's inner sanctum. However, he
emitted a squeek of fright before anyone else could enter, quickly
doubling over himself and bolting outside.
"Huh, what's that?" Falcon pondered. He screwed up his face in an
expression of concern. "Might be trouble. Alright, old man, stay back.
I'll take care of this." Falcon assumed a martial artist's stance and
jumped through the darkened entrance, disappearing from view.
"Hi-ya! Magic Flying Fast Food Sack!" A whoosh was heard. "Mind Bullets!
Exploding Brains Technique! Ninja Flying Kick! Magic Spinning --
aaaargh get it off get it off!" Both Silver Tyrano and Old Man Jenkins
heard the crash, as if something heavy had fallen under the power of
gravity and plummeted onto something soft and squishy. They ran inside
to help, but were greeted by an incredible sight.
There was rubble everywhere. Everywhere! Tables of beakers
and scientific instruments lie crushed under heavy boulders, hay from
thatched roof cottages lie strewn everywhere, and upon closer
inspection, the large pile of debris went right up through the roof. In
fact, the entire roof was gone, replaced by this mountain of dirt and
disarray. At the very center of the building there appeared to be a
slightly off-balance building in its own right; a golden building with
ornate carvings and a large oak doorway. Two elephant statues graced
either side of the building itself. One such elephant was missing its
head. This head had found its way to the ground, and was currently
crushing Falcon.
"Hey, isn't that them there Dalaam Palace?" Jenkins pondered aloud.
"Yeah, it is. I sort of forgot that earlier in the story, Dalaam has
crashed into Winters and caused a massive tidal wave, thus knocking out
Summers in the process. In retrospect, I probably should have noticed
the large chunks of land mass, the remains of huts and rope ladders,
the people wearing clothing not suited for cold weather, the presence
of enemies not normally associated with the Winters climate and of
course, the now-visible presence of a large pink cloud covering the
entirety of the Snow Wood Boarding School." Falcon took a deep breath.
"Now maybe you can help out, and get this thing off of me?" He
struggled under the elephant's head. Silver Tyrano had bounded inside
and was busily trying to lift the fallen debris away, using all the
strength his little mousey arms could manage.
Shouting was heard from within the remains of the Dalaam Palace. Three
heads turned as Dr. Andonuts and Poo stumbled out, their arms draped
around each other, a bottle of liquor in each hand.
"Now I'll tell yeh, Poo mah boy, you know what the secret to a great donut is?"
"No, what is it, oh great Andonut-san?"
"A nice hearty bottle of rum! Why, during the prohibition era, we were
makin' our Rum Donuts in our basements! We had bathtub bakeries! Of
course, we'd end up just drinking all of our ingredients away most of
the time.... *hic*"
"Hey, Dr. A!" Falcon said, making a cool rhyme.
"*hic* Whaizzit, kid?" The doctor was clearly outside of himself at the
moment as he took another swig from the strong Dalaamese Ale that Poo
had given him. Falcon sighed.
"Augh, this is useless. They're both a couple of boozers. We'll never get anything out of them."
"Might I be askin', sonny, what ye were lookin fer?" Jenkins scratched his head.
"Well, I was hoping that maybe the doctor could put together a sort of
translator device for my friend here." Falcon pulled his hand out from
under his entrapments and thumbed in Silver Tyrano's direction. The
silver mouse squeeked in acknowledgment. "Buuuuut, I guess we're gonna
have our hands full. I've heard that Poo and the Doctor are notorious
drunkards, if they get drunk they can potentially stay that way for
whole IF's at a time." Falcon said, thus breaking the fourth wall once
again.
"So, what'll we do?"
"We'll just have to trust that the doctor can put something together in
his incapacitated state." Falcon said as he watched both Poo and the
Doctor fall over themselves and land face-down on the floor, where they
became still before bursting into laughter and rolling around on the
ground in delight. Falcon sighed again.
It is well known, of course, that life goes on. It goes on, and on, and
on, until it stops. This is generally the natural course of things, and
while there are exceptions, they are the sort of exceptions that prove
the rule.
Thus it should be hastily explained that the reason nobody thought of
visiting Apple Kid in Twoson to solve Silver's communication problem
was that Apple Kid was dead.
In fact, the whole city of Twoson was very dead, and had been for a
long time. In one of those bitter twists that the gods call dramatic
irony, one of Silver Tyrano's relatives, the late great Fortinbras
Tyrano, had been the killer of Twoson about two and a half years ago.
Over the course of six days, Fortinbras had systematically crushed all
the buildings, pushed the rubble into the center of town, built a
makeshift barricade, and carried out a prolonged siege battle against
Eagleland's national guard. By the time they'd brought down the
menacing meat-eater, Fortinbras had squashed fifteen tanks and any
number of jeeps, crushed a hundred soldiers, and devoured twenty-six
Onett Special Roadblock Forces.
If Silver had known that his second-oldest uncle had inadvertently
crushed the one man who could have potentially helped him at this
point, he would have said "Squeek, squeak, SQUEEAAK!" He was still a
mouse, after all. He felt rather helpless here; there was nothing he
could do to get the doctor sober, and the strain of being much smaller
than everything was entirely different from what he was used to. He
twitched nervously, watching the drunken duo roll in the snow from his
perch on Falcon's shoulder, wondering who could possibly save him now.
A burst of music issued forth from the heavens as a man dressed in
black from top hat to dress shoes spiraled out of the air. "PICTURES
TAKEN INSTANTANEOUSLY!" he shouted, as tinny music from a Summers
travelogue video played on a tape recorder. "I'm a photographic genius,
if I do say so myself - hey." The Photo Man glanced down. "There's a
mouse on my ankle."
"Oh, that's just Silver," Falcon explained. "And I'm Falcon. Who are you?"
"More ter the point, ya got anythang to wake up them fellers there?"
Jenkins pointed to Dr. Andonuts and Poo, who were now making snow
angles (sort of like snow angels, except you only use one arm, and then
you measure the arc with your protractor.)
"But of course!" Tossing Silver back to Falcon, the Photo Man pulled an
old-fashioned camera out of his hat. "Nothing like a photographic
experience to make someone fully alert again!"
Jenkins and Falcon picked up Poo and the doctor and faced them towards
the camera. Silver stood on his hindpaws and posed with a paw in the
air.
CLICK!
Five minutes later, Dr. Andonuts was finishing the touches on his
newest invention: the Squeakinator. He pointed out the basic features.
"Just talk into this end, and you'll hear it over at this end!"
Silver sniffed at the speaker. "Squeek!"
*whirr* "Hello!"
"It works!" Poo exclaimed with a mixture of surprise and glee. "Quick, say something else!"
"Squeak, squeek!"
*whirr* "Let's go eat some cheese!"
Silver raised a mousey eyebrow. "Squeak?"
*whirr* "This machine does not meet my standards!"
"That's amazing," Falcon said. "I never knew mice could say so much with so little."
"Squeak squeak."
*whirr* "Please stop the cat from chasing me!"
"I think it still has a few bugs in it, but it'll have to do for now."
Dr. Andonuts turned from his invention table. "Now the next question
is, what do we do about Dark Figure?"
-----
"I...feel...happy...."
These strange words echoed through the abyss of time and space, and
most rational people might think that it was the great Cosmic
Destroyer, Giygas, come to seek revenge on the Four Chosen who
ultimately undid him. We now turn to the fanfic Council of Elders for a
groundbreaking legal decision to resolve this dilemma.
Reporting live from the Council's inner chambers:
SimonBob tapped a pencil irritably against the table. "So, what's the verdict, my fellow council members?"
Falcon24, NeoPaula, Liar X Agerate, and Skulryk all turned their heads toward SimonBob.
"Nay." Falcon said, holding the thumbs down.
"Nay" Liar said, doing the same.
"Nay." Skulryk, head of Skulryk Productions and producer of this story, responded.
NeoPaula didn't say much. She was a cardboard cutout as the real Neo has been missing for the past half a year.
"So, it's decided then. Giygas returning from the dead to seek revenge
is an unacceptable and cliched twist and will be prohibited from
incorporation within this story. So speaketh the Gods of GIFE! Except Neo who never wrote on the first, and doesn't exist anymore apparently.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled fanfic.
The originator of said classic video game quote was none other than
Ness's brain, which was abandoned several pages ago. Since then, Ness's
disembodied brain has found its way into the reaches of space, and
thanks to solar radiation, has grown in size by ten thousand fold. Said
radiation in turn warped the processes of Ness's mind and caused him to
think he was a megalomaniacal mad scientist, perhaps one that was
ape-like in nature. It is at this instance that we enter the picture.
"Yes....it is almost time...time for me to destroy the Lylat system!"
Ness's brain gloated, electrical impulses arcing across his lobes. Two
eyes, connected by nerve chords to the brain, floated aimlessly in
space. These very eyes then noticed an approaching object. At first it
was a glimmer, but it soon got closer. Much closer. As it came into
view, Ness's Brain could see that it was a Frosty Machine, and its
pilot seemed to be a hapless Italian frosty vendor that was quickly
becoming asphyxiated on the lack of any atmosphere in space.
"Ah! Joe!" Ness's Brain bellowed. "I am glad you have come! Now you must help me conquer the galaxy! Join me, and together we can rule as Frosty Vendor and Brain!"
Joe didn't respond, because his face had turned blue and he was, clearly, quite dead.
Meanwhile, within the Council of Elders, Skulryk was busy beating Falcon with a golf club.
"You idiot!" Skulryk shouted. "Joe is awesome! It's your post, bring him back to life!"
"Argh! Fine, fine!" Falcon hissed. "You people have no respect for creative license."
Suddenly, the Frosty Machine began to transform. Indeed, it was a Transformer, more than meets the eye.
Wings extended from the side of the machine, and the pilot's seat
quickly turned into a cockpit. Before long, the entire machine had
changed into an Arwing, the signature ship of the Star Fox team. Joe,
who was now safely inside the pressurized cockpit, responded to Ness's
Brain. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Brainy. See, I need your
help in order to save the Earth. Dark Figure has paired up with a
strange man with red highlights and they're planning on getting some
sort of revenge on the universe or something."
Ness's Brain paused. "I thought you were supposed to be going to Fourside, as evidenced by the last post."
"You mean this isn't Fourside?"
"Nope."
"What, then?"
"Outer space."
"Oh, I see. well, I need your help!"
"No!" Ness's Brain shouted. "I won't help you! And why am I not talking in italics anymore?"
"Because the author got tired of writing in italics commands. Deal with it."
"Never!" Ness's Brain screamed, launching a barrage of psychic attacks
at the Frosty Arwing. The ship barrel rolled out of the way and began
firing it's cannons at the base of the brain, following up with a few
bombs. Ness's Brain roared in agony. For the sake of not having a
repetitive battle scene and the fact that it is two AM in the morning,
Ness's Brain became incapacitated.
"Huzzah!" Joe shouted. "Now to employ the shrink ray." A
ray shot out of the Arwing and enveloped Ness's Brain. The brain began
shrinking...and shrinking...and shrinking...back to normal size. Then
the ray, which doubled as a tractor beam, pulled the brain in. Joe
looked at a little console to his left and noticed an onboard display.
With a small beep, a green light lit up on the display, and a jar
popped up from inside the console, complete with Ness's floating brain
inside. A small speaker on the front of the jar synthesized voice.
"So, are you back to normal, Ness?"
"Yes. For all intents and purposes and sheer laziness on the part of the writer, I am." The bodiless brain said.
"Good. Now let us fly off and conveniently meet up with the rest of the
group, which I happen to know is in Winters for some reason." With
that, the Frosty Arwing flew off into space, heading back to Earth and
for Winters.
"By the way," Ness's brain asked, "how long has your Frosty machine been able to transform into an Arwing?"
"Umm..." Joe tugged at his moustache. "Since before I got it, I think."
"Did you think maybe you'd tell us sometime? It would've
been pretty handy when we were fighting the Starbucksmen WOAH AAHHH!!"
The last bit of Ness's comment came from a sudden barrel roll that Joe
had done specifically to shut him up. It worked.
As the Frosty Arwing flew through space suddenly Dave Thomas wielding a bucket of Kentucky Fried Big Macs appeared.
"Do you have any idea of how many copyright infringements this IF is breaking?" He roared.
"Absolutely not!" Ness' brain retorted.
Then with his psychic powers he pushed Joe's buttons and let fly a
poisonous stream of chocolate frosty. Dave raised his hands in
defiance, but his mouth opened and ate the yummy death glop.
Then Joe took off in the direction of Earth again.
"Why is this plot so insane?" Ness' brain asked.
"Shut up!" Skulryk said as he appeared out of nowhere and started beating Ness' brain with a golf club.