Paula sighed. Even the total mass destruction of Fourside didn't excite her any more. It wasn't just that Fourside got destroyed every time the moon went behind the clouds or half an inch of snow fell; she was bored. Really bored.

Oh well, she thought to herself. I guess that's what happened when you've saved the world twice before turning 18. She'd just turned 18 this past week, in fact. Odd, that; she always thought it'd be a big, momentous occasion, but it somehow slipped by without her really noticing.

It only came to her attention that she'd missed it when she'd gotten a phone call from SimonBob, one of the friends she'd made last year while fighting Dark Figure. Simon was doing fantastic; he'd sold the rights to the story to something called Skulryk Productions, made a movie out of it, and won prizes at Cannes. No Academy Awards, but that was because it was a foreign buddy film, and nobody liked those in North America.

How Simon learned it was her birthday, Paula didn't know, but thinking of the call seemed to awaken something in her now. Simon had run into some nice girl while working on the movie, and now he was involved in some kind of relationship. I should be falling in love too, Paula thought. Just because I broke up with Ness over that time he spilled vinegar on my dress doesn't mean I have to be a nun.

Falling in love was such a great idea that Paula decided to get right on it. Unfortunately, trying to find an acceptable man in Fourside after a dinosaur rampage was like trying to feed yourself corn flakes from out of your belly button with your foot. It was entirely possible, provided you lowered your standards to the point where everyone around you was unimpressed and disgusted.

Nevertheless, Paula made an effort to look around. After a few minutes, she came to a rather thoroughly destroyed building where a young man appeared to be making an angel in the dirt. She looked him over, and when she couldn't find any obvious physical abnormalities or body piercings, she decided that he would do just fine. "Hi there!" she said cheerfully. "Wanna go steady?"

The young man sat up wordlessly, a look of confusion on his face.

Paula continued talking without noticing. "My name's Paula, and I was looking for a boyfriend. Are you single?"

Still confused, the young man managed a nod.

"Great! What's your name?"

He finally found his voice. "Dash."

"Heyyyy baby!" A greasy haired old man lurched over and clapped Paula on the shoulder. "How 'bout you give me a try? That rapscallion don't know nothing about such a lovely young blossom as yourself!"

RAPSCALLION?! Paula's hands clenched into fists as the word echoed through her mind. He has the audacity to call my sweety a... a... RAPSCALLION?! Sparks burned in her eyes. Auras of red, orange, and white began to emanate from her skin. Loose grit in the area began to rattle and float off the ground.

"PSI FIRE OMEGAAAAAA!" Screaming, Paula spun, raising her hands to the old lecher's chest. The aging man suddenly felt his whole body burn, as though someone had stuffed a propane tank hose down his throat, filled him with petrol, and lit him up like a Zeppelin concert, all in the space of a hundredth of a second.

His body burst into a pillar of flame. A moment later he'd been converted into a fused ash statue of himself. Paula turned around and smiled at Dash, who was cowering with his hands on his head, his eyes wider than jam jar lids.

"Come on, sweetie, I know a great coffeehouse in Threed." Paula took Dash by the arm and led him to the bus stop. He went willingly, not because he felt safe with Paula around, but because he was really afraid of what might happen if he dumped her.

"Isn't this delightful?" Paula smiled warmly at Dash, over a cup of coffee.

Dash nodded mutely, and forced a small, worried smile. "I, uh, love coffee."

Paula paused. "LOVE? Why.." her hand snaked across the table, and grabbed Dash by the collar. "...I just happen to LOVE you!"

The table overturned, cream and cancerous sugar packets flying through the air, and mixing, miraculously, with the coffee. Several patrons stared in shock as Paula pulled Dash into a deep, hear-stopping kiss.

"How was that for you, my darliIINGAAAAGHHH!!!" Paula threw the random patron away, who was beyond healing via any modern treatments. "YOU'RE not my darling! Where's he gone?! How'd he escape?!"

Dash stared nervously from behind the ginormous potted palm. He would only be safe here for so long.

The trio of Falcon, Jenkins, and Silver wandered in the general direction of Dr. Andonuts' lab. The conversation had been minimal until Falcon asked Jenkins a question.

"Hey, how did you survive a fall like that?"

"Well as I flew through the air, a plot hole opened up and sucked me in. Inside, I bumped into a no good whippersnapper with his fancy red highlights talkin' to himself and eating pie. This no good punk floats up to me and asks me were Dark Figure's place is. I tells him I didn't know and then went into a long story about my wife and I goin' out to buy a couch! Well my story dragged on and that rude whippersnapper told me to shut up. I told him to respect his elders and he grabbed my neck and threw me out o' the plothole! He swore horrible vengeance on me as he did so! Crazy kids and their fancy sparklers! EEEEHHH! Well anyways, I was thrown out and landed just above the ground of this fine old country."

"Oh well I-"

"Speakin' of plot holes, back in my day stories were so well written they didn't have no stinkin' plot holes!"

"Yes, well-"

"Why that reminds me about this time me wife and I went out to by a couch! Now as you may, or may not know, we enjoy catalogs. So I had this catalog, well back then they were called jimmies seein' as that wasn't a common name back then, so anyways w-"

He was interrupted by Falcon's screams of terror as he covered his ears and ran ahead, right into the door of Dr. Andonuts' lab.

Hobo Mike growled, being left out of the story for so long. He took a moment to raid Dash's car for alcohol before Dark Figure tapped back into his mind.

Have you had your fun? It's time for you to do my work now.

Under the power of Dark Figure, Hobo Mike went to the Monotoli building. In a rather blunt fashion, he broke the glass doors and walked in.

The secretary didn't pay it much mind; The recent destructions of Fourside were enough to make a minor breaking and entering problem seem like nothing. She nonchalantly said "Sir, do you have an appointment?" before going back to her book, not caring for an answer.

Hobo Mike didn't give one either, simply walking along, can of beer in hand. He knocked aside a security guard who had come running to the scene, breaking another glass window. A construction worker sighed. With all the rampant destruction of Fourside, today was not gonna be easy.

Hobo Mike took the express elevator up to the 60th floor. There were some bodyguards there, but they were too busy looking tough to take any real notice of Mike. They also didn't notice Mike even after he had grabbed Enrich Flavor, who they were supposed to be protecting. Mike gave them a friendly wave and a toothy grin as he dragged Flavor and dragged him to the Helipad.

"'Ey boss, were we supposed to be doin somethin' back then?" one of the bodyguards said.

"Shush! Jus' stand around lookin' tough. Like dis!" The other bodyguard gave a very tough looking pose.

"But I thought..." the first bodyguard started.

"Don't think! Dey don't pay us to go round thinkin'! Now lemme see yer tough pose!"

Meanwhile, Hobo Mike had brought Enrich Flavor out to the helicopter, strapped him in, and took off. However, even Dark Figure's control didn't change the fact that Hobo Mike was very very drunk, and it was a very rough flight back to Dark Figure's base indeed. Dark Figure made a mental note not to drink and fly any time soon.

{How much longer can I take? She's beautiful, but she's way too impulsive! That poor guy just sits behind her and she turned 'em into a ball of bone and flesh! I can't go out with someone so... ...so... ...CRAZY!} dash thought to himself, {I mean, she's going real fast, as if she's going to get through with me real soon. I'd pray I don't end up like the rest of those guys... *gulp*}

Joe sat up and rubbed his head. He wasn't sure where he was or how long he'd been out, but he knew that his head hurt. He also knew that he couldn't see a thing, but that didn't bother him since he had his eyes closed. What did bother him was when he opened his eyes, and he still couldn't see anything. He felt around in the darkness and found his Frosty machine. Dispensing himself a cold Frosty, he sat down and slurped at it a while in thought.

He remembered getting sucked into a mysterious plot hole after his encounter with Generally Malfunctioning Starman, and then everything went dark and weird. He could dimly remember falling back out of another plot hole, and landing in a heap with the Starman, but then he must have lost consciousness.

He had no idea how he had wound up in this dark place, wherever it was, but that was probably just an effect of the plothole. He took a moment to explore his surroundings, and found that he was in a small metallic room, which happened to be completely empty, save for his own presence, and, of course, his Frosty machine. He sipped at his Frosty thoughtfully.

Just then, a door slid open, flooding the small chamber with light. The form of Generally Malfunctioning Starman stood framed in the entry.

"You are *Bzzzt* coming with me," the Starman said. "*Whirr* ...again," it added.

Joe figured it was futile to resist. He got up, checked to make sure his Frosty machine's wheels were still intact, and followed Generally Malfunctioning Starman out of the room and into a broad hallway. Joe - or Giuseppe - thought for a moment about the beautiful rolling hills of his hometown in Campania, and wondered for a moment why fate kept dragging him into stupid things. Then, he cast his regrets down a conveniently located garbage chute in the walls and walked off after the Starman, his Frosty machine behind.

A brief trek brought them to the upper chambers of Dark Figure's dark and imposing fortress, and soon, they were before the Figure's dark and imposing chair. Dark Figure surveyed the two darkly and in an imposing manner.

"So..." he said slowly, after a considerable pause. (He also said it darkly, but that hardly needs to be emphasized.) "You've come back. Well, not so much come back, per se," he added momentarily, "as been dragged here by my, uh, trusty and dismembered Starman." Here Generally Malfunctioning Starman made a zapping noise and exploded slightly.

Joe only nodded meekly.

"I have brought you here," continued Dark Figure, "because I require your assistance. I must once again enlist your aid to help me fulfill my Ultimate Revenge."

At this Joe stood up. "Never!" he cried. "I will not again be part to such villainy! Also," he added, "I was your lackey in the last installment! It would be an unnecessarily repeated plot instrument!"

"Hmmm... I see your point," Dark Figure nodded. "I suppose, then, there's only one option. In the interest of creating a more interesting plot this time around, I'll have to do without you. You may go." He pressed a small button on his chair, and a door at the end of the chamber opened. Joe looked at it suspiciously.

"You really mean it?" he asked, "I can go?"

"Of course," Dark Figure replied, as sweetly as he could manage. "Off with you now, I'm sure you and your Frosty machine will make for an interesting pair of challenges to my ultimate supremacy. Go on!"

Joe looked at Dark Figure, and then at Generally Malfunctioning Starman. The Starman emitted a buzzing noise and its arm fell off again, but it offered no other input. Carefully, Joe took his Frosty machine and backed away, towards the door, encouraged now and then by a smile and a gesture from Dark Figure. With only a few yards to go, he turned and broke into a run, bolting through the arched entryway and into the hall.

"Hehehehehe..." Dark Figure chuckled to himself. "That fool." Then, he pressed a large red button on his armrest, the one that caused the floor in the outside chamber to fall away, plunging its occupants to certain doom. Instead of the usual grind of machinery and helpless screams, however, he just heard Joe's footsteps receding into the hall. He pushed the button a few more times in annoyance, and finally rung up his secretary.

"Oh, the floor, Mr. Figure?" his secretary's voice came over the radio. "The machinery needed a little lubrication, so some workers came over and dismantled the whole thing. They said they'd be back sometime next week."

"Curses!" snarled Dark Figure. "Everyone knows that when they say 'next week', they mean 'within six months, but probably nearer seven'! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHH!!"

Joe ran. He was in a large, spacious hallway, with large windows on one side, nestled between intricately carved pillars that curved up to the lofty ceiling. He looked around him constantly as he ran, with his Frosty machine rattling behind him. He expected nothing short of treachery from Dark Figure, and he knew it could take any form. Suddenly, "Duel of the Fates" from Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace began playing, and Joe knew it was a bad sign. He knew it was even more of a bad sign when fifty heavily armed ninjas dropped from the ceiling.

"NINJA STEALTH ATTACK!!!" they screamed, rappelling down the pillars on stealthy ninja ropes.

Joe reacted quickly. He ducked out of the way of the first six hundred shurikens, and came up with the Frosty nozzle from his machine, primed and ready to go. The first blast took out the frontmost four ninjas, sending them flying through the large and ornate windows on the east side of the hall. He dodged a swing from a heavy staff, jumping up and cartwheeling to the other side of his Frosty machine, catching the offending ninja a good kick in the face as he did so. Another ninja came at with a scythe, and Joe just barely ducked under the swing before sending the attacker flying across the room with a powerful shove in the stomach from the machine.

By this time, the ninjas were surrounding him; the first assault had been a distraction, while the others rapidly outflanked Joe and his machine. The air was filled with flying ninjas as they came at him from all sides at once. Joe was ready for them. The Frosty nozzle whirled, dispensing blast after deadly blast of refreshing frozen beverage. As quickly as they flew in, fists flying, they flew back out, propelled by high-pressure jets of cold, cold deliciousness. Yet their numbers were beginning to tell. Joe was outnumbered, and he couldn't hold them off forever. As if to prove this point fully, his Frost nozzle suddenly sputtered to a halt. A glance at the gauge told Joe that the tanks were empty.

The remaining ninjas, noticing this, regrouped and began moving in slowly for the final assault. Joe knew it was now or never. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the umbrella pole off the top of his Frosty machine and wielded it like a staff, staring down his ninja foes as they edged in for the kill.

Joe moved first. He leaped, spinning his umbrella pole. Landing in the midst of the ninjas, he began swinging left and right, beating the air furiously with the aluminum pole. He soon noticed that air was, in fact, the only thing he was beating with the pole. The ninjas were in their own in hand-to-hand combat, and dodged his relatively inept swings easily. Joe eventually slowed down, and then stopped. He blinked.

The lead ninja stared menacingly.

Joe blinked again.

The lead ninja stared menacingly again.

Joe blinked again.

The ninja landed Joe a solid kick that sent him flying into his Frosty machine and out of the window.

Joe began plummeting straight down a sheer rock face that fell away from the high walls of Dark Figure's fortress. Acting quickly, Joe kicked the auxiliary jets into action and took off into the atmosphere.

I must find help! he thought to himself, Dark Figure must be stopped! He turned on the navigation computer and headed towards Fourside, in search of the Chosen Four.

Two individuals surveyed the receding Frosty Machine and pilot from a large viewscreen.

"Are you sure it was wise to let him go?" The first, Dark Figure, brooded with steepled fingers, one leg crossed over the other as he analyzed the monitor.

"Yes, yes...it is part of our revenge, dear companion. He will undoubtedly go for assistance...and who better to call upon than our own enemies? He will lead the focus of our vengeance straight back to us, and then...we will crush them!" The second figure, tall and gaunt, folded his arms behind his back. Raltise let loose with a strain of horrid laughter, his person silhouetted in the screen's soft glow.

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