Jeff stroked Monica's thick brown hair. He felt its softness and he felt the warmth of her skin against his.

"But, Jeff!" she said, looking nervously around "What if my husband were to find out?"

"Ha ha ha! I'm not worried about the likes of him!" Jeff smoothed back his boyish blond hair. "If he tries to take you back, I'll fry him with a laser so fast, he won't be able to sit for a week! Ha ha ha ha!" Jeff laughed in as manly a way as he could.

"Oh, but I don't want you to hurt him! I love him, even if he has been a jerk to me."

"Oh" Jeff said "Well, I suppose I could just use my slime generator on him and we could run away in the ensuing confusion".

"Oh, Jeffy-weffy! That's why I love you! You're so clever!"

She laid against Jeff and they both looked out over the beautiful Lake Tess, and despite the beautiful scenery, they only had thoughts for each other.

Suddenly, a figure jumped from the trees and landed with a sword pointed straight at Jeff's neck.

"Take your hands off of her, now!" said Poo.

"Curses!" shouted Jeff. "You're just too clever, aren't you?"

Poo smiled. "I'll admit, I respect your crazed genius, Jeff. Attacking me from behind, tying me up, and throwing me into Lake Tess was a clever idea, BUT NOT CLEVER ENOUGH!"

"Well la de da, Mr. Sarcasm! Ok, I know it wasn't my best idea ever, but I knew I couldn't take you in a fair fight, and my heart only wishes to be with my love".

"Don't call her that! She is mine!"

Jeff adjusted his glasses. "Well, technically, she belongs to neither of us, seeing as she has a husband already".

Poo smiled at Jeff's last comment. Sometimes Jeff was a little too clever for his own good. "You're right, Jeff, she belongs to neither of us, so the gentlemanly way to settle this is with a duel. As the challenged, I choose the weapon and place of battle. I choose swords and right here right now!"

"Please, my loves, don't kill each other for my sake!" Monica cried "I love you both! Isn't that enough?"

"Uh, yeah, I think I can be satisfied with that..." Jeff started to say, but Poo cut him off. "Coward! There can be only one man for the fair Monica!"

"Darn!" Jeff said.

"I shall return in half an hour. I trust you will be ready by then."

"Double-darn!"

The Showdown

Jeff was sweating up a storm. He didn't know how he was going to beat Poo. He had organized the points against him and the points for him and it was not pretty.

Against
1: Poo was stronger.
2: Poo had a real sword made out of metal, unlike Jeff's, which had been crudely fashioned out of a somewhat straight tree branch he had found.
3: Poo had psychic powers and was desperate enough for Monica that he would probably sacrifice his honor and use them.
4: Poo knew how to use a sword, unlike Jeff, who was currently planning on swinging it around randomly and hoping he would hit something besides his own face.

For
1: Jeff was smarter.

"Darn it! Why'd my dad have to be a dorky scientist! Why couldn't he be a pro-wrester or something?"

Suddenly, Jeff had a thought. He looked back at his notes. Yep, there it was; he was smarter. That meant he could outsmart Poo!

"Thank you brain! I love you!" Jeff exclaimed with tears in his eyes. He got right to work.

In very little time, the half hour was up. Jeff held his new, improved weapon up to the sun to create a cool cinematic effect. "I think this just may save me" he thought to himself.

It Begins

Jeff and Poo stood across from each other on the frozen field. Monica looked on with tears in her eyes. She loved them both and did not want to see either of them hurt.

Poo was the first to advance. He ran at Jeff and screamed as he jumped into the air. Something glinted and caught his eye. Poo was unable to concentrate! Jeff quickly dodged out of the way and made no attempt to attack. The first part of his plan had been successful! Poo wouldn't be using psi any time soon!

"What was that!?" Poo yelled at Jeff.

"Just a little something to keep you honest, dear Poo". Jeff started to laugh.

Poo finally noticed that he couldn't use any psi. He realized that Jeff had used the counter-psi unit on him. He was glad he had applied a layer of shield before the battle began.

Poo remained calm, however, and seized the opportunity. He lunged at Jeff while Jeff was still laughing. Jeff realized what was happening at the last moment and threw his "sword" in front of his face. Poo smiled as he sliced through the air towards the pathetic stick that Jeff held.

The weapons collided and bounced off of each other. Jeff's "sword" was somehow undamaged! Poo couldn't figure out what had happened! It had felt like he hit a brick wall!

"Ho ho ho! Getting soft, Poo? I'll have you know that I applied not one, but nine layers of defense spray to this sword of mine! Much like me, it is tougher than it looks."

Poo felt a pang of panic. What other tricks did Jeff, literally, have up his sleeves and in his jacket pockets? But then Poo calmed down and remembered that it was still a contest of swordsmanship. Poo was not going to be beaten by some freckled, glasses-wearing, momma's-boy, wimpy little poindexter!

Before he even knew what had happened, Poo jumped to the side and landed in the snow. A beam had zoomed past his head. Poo realized, Jeff had a gun!

Poo picked himself up and just managed to dodge another beam. "You are sneaky, my friend, but I have not yet revealed my true mastery of the sword!"

Poo ran at Jeff and dodged beams until he was about 10 feet away. Then he stopped and let one beam hit him. It hurt. Poo bent over a little, but his shield protected him from the worst of it. He looked up to see just what he wanted to see. Jeff had been knocked back onto his back by the reflected beam and was still picking himself up. Poo jumped at Jeff and was about to connect with his sword when Jeff shot a desperation shot straight up at him. They were both at point blank range at the time of the shot, so they both were hit hard. Jeff was hammered into the snow and Poo flew up into the air. Both of their weapons went flying and landed next to each other.

Poo landed and felt all of the air fly out of his body. By the time he picked himself up he saw that Jeff had already dug himself out of the snow and was crawling towards his gun-sword. Poo picked himself up and felt the pain in his ribs. He grit his teeth and crawled towards his sword.

He was too late. Jeff reached his gun and the royal blood of Poo was spilled onto the white snow of Winters.

Jeff stood up and laughed a mad laugh. It went something like this:

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!

Monica let out a shriek. "My husband's here with Tessie! Run, Jeff! Run!" Jeff turned just in time to see Tessie's gaping maw.

And so our tale ends tragically, as all love stories must. The royal Prince Poo, killed by a commoner, far from his own land and for a less than noble purpose. Jeff, eaten by Tessie, and, unlike Jonah, he did not survive. No sequel. He loses. No continues. And poor Monica, she loses both of her lovers in one day and has no one to turn to but her jerk of a husband who loves Tessie more than her. Some people say that the tears that she shed fell to the ground and roses grew from them, roses as red as the royal Poo's blood. But we call those people "poets", and they're crazy, so pay them no mind.