EarthBound Epic

Narrated by: Ness

I am a very lucky boy. I saved the world! I wasn’t alone, of course. I was with my three friends.

Paula, head chef.

Jeff, the genius.

Poo, resident foreign.

And me, baseball champion.

Paula, my girlfriend, was hopelessly teaching me how to snowboard. We were taking a vacation on a high mountain to the east of Winters. I bent my legs, but bent them a little too much. "Ow!" I smacked into a kid’s snowman.

"You’re hopeless…" Paula sighed.

"Not as hopeless as THAT. Look!" I pointed.

Jeff was on the lift, screaming, "Let me off the lift! Help! Help! Nooooo!"

~~~

We were all in the cabin. Paula, Jeff, Poo, and I, I mean. We were sipping hot chocolate heartily. "This is very powdery," Poo said.

We laughed. I said, "Poo, you have to put hot water into it too!"

Poo replied, "I knew that. I KNEW that!"

There was pounding on the door. Paula screamed. I reached for the door…

I opened the door. Someguy came in. He said, "Can I borrow a cup of sugar?"

Jeff yelled, "What the?! Get out of here!"

Someguy ran away, giggling. "Jerk," Paula commented.

Poo put some water in his hot chocolate, making sure it was hot. Thereafter, he scorched his tongue. " I’m going to hit the sack," Jeff remarked.

"Night," I said.

Paula suggested, "Let’s tell ghost stories."

Jeff turned around. "I’m in."

Everyone gathered by the fireplace. "I will go first." Poo said, " Long ago, in my kingdom, a ghost threatened to destroy the kingdom if we did not bring him gold and riches."

"Boring…" I said.

"It gets better. One day…uh…that Starstorm guy fell into the portal of death!"

"WHAT is the portal of death?"

"Shhhh!"

"He saw the ghost…then! He was dead."

"Oh my god…"

"But he’s alive today!

"Sheesh!"

I said, "I’ll tell a REAL story."

Paula answered, "Tell us! Tell us!"

"Okay, I’ll tell you! One day, a little boy went into the woods, and he got lost. He went into deeper woods, unaware of his mistake. A wolf lurked behind him."

Jeff said, "We all know what happens now!"

"I bet you don’t! The wolf ate a chicken instead. The boy saw a beautiful house in the middle of the woods. He ran to it, then slowly opened it, then-"

The door began to creak open. "AAAAAHHHH!!!" Paula shrieked loudly.

The door opened deftly. Someguy walked in. "Is your refrigerator running?"

Poo screamed, "Go away!"

Someguy ran away, giggling. "Let’s go to bed!" I exclaimed.

So we did.

~~~

When I woke up, I was FREEZING! The window was open, and a large pile of snow was collecting on the floor. I closed the window. I looked at the clock. 2:55 am. I had to get some sleep! I tossed around in my bed, but I couldn’t get the rest of my forty winks! I went into the living room, and to my surprise, everyone was there. The fire was started. I glanced at the clock.

"What are you guys doing up at three?" I asked groggily.

"We couldn’t sleep," Paula said, rubbing her eyes.

"Same here," I mentioned.

"What are we going to do?" Poo asked.

Jeff thought, "Let’s eat breakfast!"

"Let’s not," Paula said.

"Just because I’m the most awake doesn’t mean we can’t eat!"

"Yeah, but it does mean that I’m not cooking anything for you!"

Everyone’s voices were drowned out by Poo’s snores. "LET’S GO TO BED NOW!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

~~~

I woke up, sun finally shining through my window. I walked down the hall, but Jeff was standing in my way. "Don’t go in there!" He warned.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Poo’s still sleeping. Snoring, too."

Never mind. I walked back down the hall to Paula’s room She was awake. ‘Hi,"

"Oh, hi Ness."

"So…how’s it going?"

"Fine. Except I can’t even go to the bathroom because of Jeff."

"Oh,"

"Okay,"

"Okay,"

"Okay,"

"Bye Paula."

"Bye Ness,"

I left Paula’s room. I went back to my room and tried to get some sleep.

~~~

It was Poo that woke me up. "Breakfast," he said wearily.

I went down the hall to greet Paula’s greatest pancakes. I ate up, dressed out of my jammies, and went outside. Paula greeted me, "Snowboarding school is on."

~~~

I went up the lift, saying, saying to myself, "You can do this, you can do this,"

I got off the lift. "Come on, guys!" Paula said.

Paula took off. Jeff took off. "Good luck, Ness" Poo took off.

I took off. Speeding, speeding, speeding, hill! Jump, tree! Tree! Tree-tree-tree-tree-tree-tr! I hit the tree.

I woke up to a girl’s face. "Who am I?" I asked myself.

"Ness, what happened?"

Who was this girl talking to? Who was Ness? "Ness?! Oh man, I think he has amnesia!"

"Woah. Hold up, girl. I have amnesia? And my name is Ness?"

"Yep. Now, Lesson Two: you are my boyfriend. I was worried about you! Kiss me!"

"No way, girl! I’m going to find a better cabin!"

I walked away from crazy girl. Then I pushed through a weird-haired guy, and a kid with glasses. I was getting’ outta here! I opened the door. "Ness, don’t-"

I closed the door.

~~~

I had met some friendly people. There was this one guy, he said his real name was Some guy. He liked prank phone calls. There was this…girl. She was okay. Her name was Rachel. There was also a guy into karate with a ponytail. His name was Kiko. He was pretty cool.

So I stayed with them. Some guy was making prank phone calls. Kiko was practicing karate. But Rachel was with me.

We were watching a movie in my room. I reached for her hand. She took it. We watched as if our hands were glued together.

Some guy and I went prowling the next hour. We rang 5 doorbells, (ding dong ditch) called at a pay phone ten times, (crank calls) and egged one cabin. But when we egged the cabin, I saw those jerks in the house. It went a little like this:

When we approached the house, I heard sobbing. Then the ponytail-weird dude said, "Stop worrying, Paula. He’s probably fine."

For a second, I had an insane idea that Paula was my mother. "No!" I thought. She’s too young!" Then dork boy said, "You’re wrong, Poo…"

Some guy giggled at the name Poo. I forced a laugh. Then Some guy egged the house! One problem: The window was open.

Splat! Right on dork boy’s forehead. He looked around, egg and all. "Ness he out the window!" he yelped.

Paula got up, ran to the window and looked like she was about to jump out. I looked around for Some guy, but he wasn’t there! Paula jumped swiftly. Splat! An egg hit her butt. She fell, cried, and ran back in. THAT’S what happened.

When we got back to the cabin, I had told everyone that I felt bad about Paula. Rachel said don’t worry about it. Kiko said the same thing. Some guy, however, said, "Don’t worry. We’re going back home tomorrow."

I told him, "Sounds great."

"Great idea, Paula!"

"Let’s go look for-"

The cabin door opened and whacked me in the head. I fell out of the car, helpless and unconscious.

~~~

Later, I heard what happened. Here’s how it goes:

Paula, dork boy, and "Poo" ran after Some Guy’s station wagon. Poo jumped on and held Kiko by his Hawaiian shirt. The shirt ripped off, and so did some of Kiko’s skin! A robotic cheek was there!

"What!?" Poo said instantly.

He ripped off more "skin" and it revealed a robotic…robot! That’s when I woke up. I saw the two groups fighting. I decided that I shouldn’t decide anything. I walked away into the world.

~~~

I figured out there was a lot more to life than fighting, snowboarding, and girlfriends.