"The Detrimental Effects of Gaming"
                      -----------------------------------



  The year was 199X+1, and it was Halloween night.  The trick-or-treating
was winding to a close, and many of the children had already settled in for
their parties or movie marathons or mass gorgings or what have you.  In one
house, where the one called Ness lived, there was a knock at the door.
Being around fifteen feet from the door, Ness's mother called up to the
second-floor room where Ness and three of his friends were gathered, "Ness,
could you get that?"  The reply came a moment later, "No."  Ness' mother
grumbled about today's youth and opened the door.

  The landscape in front of the house could no longer be seen.  A huge,
swirling, reddish mass had covered everything.  Near where Ness' mother
stood, the mass came together and solidified into what looked like a
skull, its mouth opened, showing rows of sharp teeth, the image of a large
basin in the center.

...

  After

  a

  long

  time,


  she finally spoke:

...

  "For the last time, Googi, you only get candy once!"  She slammed the door
and walked back into the kitchen.


  Meanwhile, Ness was with Jeff, Paula, and Poo upstairs.  They were all
playing on Ness' new GameStationBoxCast, except for Poo, who was sitting in
the corner and trying to meditate.

  "Hey, this is great, Ness!  I didn't know you had a GameStationBoxCast!"
exclaimed Paula."

  "Yeah," Jeff butted in.  "I made it for him out of a Broken ATM he found in
a garbage can."

  "And the controllers?"

  "Broken Steering Wheels."

  Poo looked up from his meditation.  "I didn't think you could make something
electronic out of Broken Steering Wheels."

  "Well that's the kind of attitude that makes you the guy without a
controller for an hour straight."

  Poo sighed and tried to go back to meditating, but their game was too loud
for him to concentrate.  Instead, he started hitting his head against the
wall, something that had suddenly occurred to him and seemed very appropriate
for the situation.

  "Ness, are you hitting your head against the wall again?"  Ness' mother
yelled up.

  "No, it's Poo this time, I promise,"  Ness yelled back.  However, he turned
his head to do this, and in the three seconds he was turned around, Jeff had
managed to blow up his ship.

  "Wow, what a pretty explosion!"  Paula remarked.

  "Yeah," Jeff replied, despite there being little to reply to.  "The
GameStationBoxCast can draw over two hundred million polygons per second.  Or,
it can render two gigapixels in that time; that's two billion different points.
It has the highest fill rate of anything on the market, outputs sound in 8.1
channels, displays at eleven different resolutions, some of which they have yet
to make monitors that can handle, and reads blue-light DVDs with capacities of
over ten gigabytes."

  Suddenly, Ness grabbed Jeff's hand and shook it firmly.  "Congratulations,"
he yelled.  "You've learned a PSI power and have demonstrated it right here
in this very room!"

  Jeff looked around.  "Did I?  I don't think I did..."

  "Yes, you did!  Paula fell asleep!"

  Jeff looked to his right.  "Paula, stop snoring!  You're making me lose my
concentration!  Maybe if I turn up the volume a little...  there!  That's
better!"

  Poo was trying to meditate again.  "Is it?"

  The conversation trailed off and ended for around five minutes.  At the close
of that time, Jeff struck it up again on a new topic:  "Whatever happened to that
Everdred guy, anyway?  We found him lying practically dead in an alley, and then
he up and left."

  Ness exhaled loudly.  "I don't know...  I thought I saw him in Magicant, but
then I saw a lot of things in Magicant."

  Jeff looked at him oddly.  "Magicant?  Where's--  Oh, that time you fell over
and collapsed and started shaking and I tried kicking you in the head to make
you-"  Jeff suddenly developed a very innocent expression.

  Ness hung his head.  "Well, that explains why everything was so weird."

  "What does?"

  Ness began to walk over to the wall, but a knocking sound stopped him.  Ness'
mother yelled up, "I thought I told you to stop!"

  Ness turned around.  "Poo?"

  "Not me."

  Realizing the knocking's source, Ness' mother sighed.  "Not again," she
mumbled.  "Ness, could you get the door for me?  I've handled the last 15."

  "All right..."  Ness left the room, came down the stairs, and nearly tripped
over the dog.  Just as he had his hand on the doorknob, the person on the other
end abruptly invited themselves in, smaaaashing the door into Ness' face.
"Welcome," he mumbled indistinctly.

  Picky rushed into the room.  He had a very desperate look on his face.

  "What is it?"  asked Ness.  "Is your brother back?  Is something wrong?"

  "My mom told me to go to bed if I didn't have a party to go to.  Can I come
over here?"

  Ness said something nasty.  Picky decided to try again, "Come on!  I won't be
annoying!  I promise!"

  Ness was about to say something that would cut Picky like a knife, but Ness'
mother burst into the conversation, saying, "Why, I think that would be great!"
She then muttered to Ness out of the corner of her mouth, "And so do you."

  Ness groaned and ran into his room.  Picky tried to follow, but he also nearly
tripped over the dog, and Ness managed to slam the door just in time for Picky to
run into it.  A loud splatting sound echoed throughout the house.

  "Ooooofff..." he mumbled as he tried to stand up.

  "FOR THE LAST TIME, POO, CUT IT OUT!!!"  Ness' mother yelled.

...

  After about an hour, Ness finally let Picky into his room.  Thirty seconds later,
he regretted it.

  "Hey, Ness, can I play?"

  "No."

  "Hey, Ness, can I play?"

  "No."

  Realizing he was getting nowhere, Picky decided to change tactics.

  "Hey, Jeff, can I play?"

  "No."

  "Hey, Jeff, can I play?"

  "No."

  "Well this is no fun."

  Jeff was concentrating very hard.  He made a few slow movements with the
controller, then rested awhile, then suddenly started punching buttons so fast the
plastic surface on one of them partially melted.  "YES!  THAT'S FORTY-SEVEN GAMES
IN A ROW!!!!"

  Picky looked at Jeff, then at Ness, then at Jeff, then at Paula, who was still
asleep, and then back at Ness again.  "Hey, Ness, can I play?"

  Ness coughed and made an unintelligible remark.

  "Hey, Ness, can I play?"

  "Yeah, go ahead."

  "OH, BOY!!!"  Picky grabbed the controller and proceeded to be beaten four times
in the next three minutes.  He sat back and whimpered.  "Ness, how come I always lose?"

  Ness sighed and pretended his ear had fallen off.

  "NESS!"

  "Look, don't ask me!"

  Jeff looked over at Picky.  "You're holding the controller upside-down."

  "Oooooohhhhhhhhh."

  By this point, Ness was beside himself with fury.  He tried to reassure himself
with the thought that Picky's mom would come over and take Picky back and
therefore everything would be fine in the end.  However, this made him realize
that Picky's mom would probably make a rude remark.  And another rude remark.  And
then she would probably trip over the dog and make an extremely rude remark.  And
then his mom would ask him why all of his friends' parents hate her.  And then,
and then, and then...      He got up and walked over to the door.

  "Hey, Ness, where are you going?" asked Picky, a little too loudly.

  "I'm going outside for some fresh air."  He walked out into the hallway, where his
sister was standing.

  "Hey, Ness, where ya goin?"

  "Outside for a stroll," he muttered.  He walked downstairs, past his mom.

  "And where are you going?"

  "OUT."  Ness passed King.

  "Arf?"

  "SHUT UP!!!!!"  Ness ran over to the door, threw it open, and jumped outside...



...right into a police barricade.

  "Wha?  Wa?"  he stuttered.  His house was surrounded by barricades and police cars
being used as barricades.  "What's going on here?"

  "Oh, we're just trying to keep the peace," one of the officers replied.

  "Peace?"

  "Yeah, you know, you can never tell what's gonna happen at these Halloween
parties.  All sorts of crazy stuff can go on."  He extended a portly index finger.
"You ought to be thankful we're here to protect you."

  "Protect me?  I beat up the entire Onett police force single-"

  "Yeah, yeah, whatever, kid."

  Ness looked around in bewilderment.  "So, why did you block the way out of our
house?"

  "Well, you know, we were afraid someone might come tearin' out of the house,
itchin' to bust up some city property.  Can't have that around here."  The Cop
smiled insincerely.

  The implications what this meant for the night suddenly dawned on Ness.  "You
blocked the way out of our house."

  "Yes, we did."

  "I'M STUCK IN HERE."

  "Yep, it sure looks like it.  Hey, got a Cup of Coffee?  I could sure go for some
coffee."

  Ness slowly turned around, walked through the door he had left open, and slowly
made his way back into his room.  He sat down next to his bed and began rocking back
and forth while humming softly to himself.

  "Well, that was quick," Picky declared, obviously hoping for a response.  Instead,
Ness just hummed a little louder.

  Jeff turned around with a disgusted look on his face.  "What are you doing?"

  "Nothing," Ness replied, trailing off.  "Nothing at all..."

  "Whatever."  Jeff turned back around.  He jumped in horror.  "Yikes!  Poo turned
into a GameStationBoxCast!"

  "That IS a GameStationBoxCast," Poo replied from a different corner.  "And-"

  "YAY!  I WIN!!!!"  yelled Picky, preventing any further discussion.  Jeff and Poo
simultaneously became very interested in the appearance of the floor.  Ness
continued rocking, but ceased his humming.  Paula had long since stopped snoring
and had moved on to the immobile phase of monotony-induced sleep.  The room was 
finally filled with peace and quiet.  Ness began to calm, and he sat there in place,
immobile for a while.  He took a deep breath and was about to exhale when the phone
rang.  Ness' left eyebrow twitched noticeably.

  "Ness, could you get that?  I'm in the john!"  Ness' mother called up.

  "I didn't know you had a bathroom.  Where is it?" said Jeff quizzically.

  Ness left the room and went downstairs without a reply.  Jeff tried thinking about
it for a while and decided he would be better off if he didn't.  Ness walked over to
phone and picked it up.

  "Hello?" he asked, trying not to sound tired.

  "I've come back for you," a voice Ness did not recognize mumbled from the other end
of the line.

  Ness sighed.  "Frank, I'm way too tired to put up with this, so why don't you just
shove-"

  "I'm not Frank," the voice replied.  "I'm someone you've met before."

  "I don't care who you are, just GO AW-"

  "I'm back."

  Ness groaned.  "Look, I don't care.  Just tell me who you are so I can come over and
break your face in."  There was no reply.  Ness tried again:  "Do I really know you?"
The voice at the other end said something very indistinct, which sounded like two
musical notes, and then hung up.  Ness threw the receiver down in exasperation.  "Some
people shouldn't eat that much sugar," he muttered as he walked back up to his room.

  "Hey, Ness, who was that?" asked Picky, still somewhat more loudly than would be 
preferable.

  "Oh, some jerk," Ness replied.  "Just forget about it."

  "Ness, I have come to an important conclusion," Jeff interjected.

  "What's that?" Ness asked, dreading the reply.

  "You have an extremely boring floor."

  Ness' eyebrow started up again.

...

  Outside, the police officer had his hands full.

  "Look mister, if you don't got coffee for me, I'm gonna have to call the police!"
the Cop yelled.  "Ummm... wait just one second..."

  "I just want to get through the barricade," the man the officer was speaking with
replied.

  "Okay, look, stupid:  Nobody gets through this barricade.  I need to get strict
orders from my boss even to let a dog, or a crow, or a snake through.  If you wanna
get through this here road closure, you're gonna have to get yourself some
authorization."

  The man reached into the backpack he was wearing and pulled out a Cup of Coffee.

  "Authorization accepted," the Cop said, moving one of the barricades out of the
man's way.

  The man walked up to the door as stealthily as possible.  He was about to open it,
but another idea struck him, and he walked around to the back of the house.  He began
to climb up the drainpipe for the gutter, trying to be as noiseless as possible.
However, when he reached a point about halfway up, one-third of the gutter came off its
mountings and the drainpipe snapped in half.  He fell the nine feet he had climbed up
and thirty pounds of metal landed on top of him.

  The noise this produced was absolutely deafening.  However, it was still unnoticed by
the people inside.

  "NESS!!!  WHEN'S MY NEXT TURN??!?!?"  Picky screamed as loudly as he could.

  "I WIN!!!!!!!"  Jeff yelled, attempting to be louder.

  "I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!"  Poo bellowed, his face turning blue.

  Tracy was downstairs, talking with her mom.    Her reply to the commotion upstairs
echoed upwards during the five seconds it was audible:  "What the hey?"

  Ness began rocking back and forth again and noticed that somehow, Paula was still
sleeping.  A deep sense of envy crept over him.

  The man outside was not discouraged.  He pulled a rope out of his backpack, and threw
one end (coated with Fly Honey) up onto the roof.  It stuck there, and he proceeded to
climb up it until he reached the second-floor window.  He looked inside.  Jeff was
playing on the GameStationBoxCast.  Picky was trying to wrench the controller from Jeff.
Poo was trying to beat both of them to death.  Ness was rolling around the room, and
Paula was sleeping near the door.  The man decided that the time was ripe.  He pulled
a large rock out of his backpack and hit the window with it very hard.  The window
shattered and the rock carried his hand and the body it was attached to through the
frame.

  Everyone was silent.  Then Picky yelled, "AAAHHHH!!!!  YOU MADE ME LOSE!!!"

  "I am here to kill you," the man said, trying to point at Ness, who had resumed his
somersaults.

  "Wait, who are you?"  Jeff asked.

  Poo's eyes widened.  "You're--  You're-"

  Ness stopped and screamed in recognition.  "IT'S THE PREEEEET POOOOT GUY!!!!"

  Jeff looked at him innocently.  "But...  why?"

  "Did you ever think of what you were doing?  Ever?"

  Ness stared at him blankly.  "We were saving the world."

  "Yes, but what did it bring?  I am a very avid follower of the goings-on in other
places, and look what you caused:  Pirkle was re-elected, the Chaos Theater shut
down forever, a sacred treasure was removed from the Great Pyramid, the Stoic Club
turned into a truck stop, the Monotoli Building became the Enrich Flavor Building-
Enrich Flavor!  What kind of a name is that?"

  "Well, those were necessary, um..."

  "Were they?  Were they?"

  "Um, I think so."

  The man leaned against the wall next to the broken window.  "Then I guess I'll
have to convince you."  He charged forward.

  Ness tried Psi Rockin Gamma.  However, he was too late.  The man tackled him
with full force.  The waves Ness shot out blasted into the Tall and created a field
of scorched wallpaper several square feet in size.  Ness quickly realized what would
happen:  either the man would cause him a great amount of damage, or the room would
suffer twice that.  He looked for help, but Jeff and Poo had congregated next to a
piece of lint near the door, pretending not to be involved, and Picky had joined them
because he thought it looked fun.

  Ness backed up until he was opposite the door.  The man slowly advanced.  Ness
looked around frantically for something to arm himself with.  He grabbed a Trick
Yo-Yo that was lying on the floor and aimed for the man's head.  Just missed!
The man smiled evilly and moved more quickly, knowing Ness could do little without
serious damage to his house and friends.

  At that moment, Paula woke up.  She slowly turned over looked around the room.
Here eyes stopped on the Preeeeet Pooot Guy and grew until they seemed to have already
fallen out of her head.  She stood up and yelled, "Psi Fire Omega!!!" as a wall of
flame burst from her fingertips and blanketed everything in front of her.

  "NO, STUPID, NO!!!!!!"  Ness screamed as the conflagration sailed towards him and
his assailant.  He saw the Preeeet Poooot Guy collapse and felt the heat rushing towards
him.  He braced himself for the impact and prayed for the safety of him and his wall.

  In Saturn Valley, behind the Store, a Mad Duck fell down.

  In Winters, Dr. Andonuts broke a beaker.

  In the Deep Darkness, the doctor fired his lawyer.

  In Fourside, Penetella Giovanni heard Ness' pleading for help and threw a sock at the
wall to commemorate the occasion.

  Ness somehow saw all of this a split-second later and wondered why he had bothered
saving the world in the first place.  The pyre was nearly three inches from his face.
He concentrated as hard as he could and tried to draw the flame away from the
wall.  It condensed into a beam of extreme magnitude aimed directly at his chest.  He
felt the impact and was thrown backwards.  However, an Earth Pendant he was wearing
because he thought it looked cool (nobody agreed) deflected the attack.  The ray shot
off at a crazy angle.  Ness saw it fly past the unconscious Preeeet Pooot Guy, past his
bed, past a Bowl of Rice Gruel Poo has been eating earlier, and watched as it crashed
into the GameStationBoxCast.  The GameStationBoxCast burst into flames.

  Ness thanked whatever divine providence had brought about this sudden change in the
course of events with all his heart.  However, Jeff fell to his knees and screamed.
He rushed over to the charred cube and desperately tried to extinguish the flames.
Realizing there was no hope for him, he started crying uncontrollably.  The Preeeeet
Poooot Guy was revived.  He mumbled something about having an appointment and jumped
out the window.

  An awkward silence ensued.  Picky broke it.  "This is boring.  I'm going back
home."  He left the room and went downstairs.

  Poo walked back over to his corner and resumed his meditation.  Jeff was still
dumbfounded, but had managed to somewhat reconcile his loss with the fact that the piece
of lint next to the door contained a new element.  Paula looked around the room and
finally walked over to where Ness was standing.

  "Umm...  I'm sorry I did that.  I wasn't really thinking about what might happen,
it's just that I saw that guy attacking you and I was worried and..."  her voice
trailed off.

  "Oh, that's okay," Ness replied.  Paula seemed pleased with the response.  "I
understand how you acted, given the situation."  Satisfied with her forgiveness,
Paula walked began to walk over to a chair on the other side of this room.  However,
Ness hadn't finished yet:

    "On the other hand, you have to admit, that was a pretty dumb thing to do."

  Paula turned around and advanced menacingly.

  Ness looked at her worriedly.  "What?"



      Paula tried Psi Slap Omega!



            Ness was hurt and beaten...