My Fellow Onettians...

(Ness, Tracy, King and Ness's Mom are watching Mayor B.H. Pirkle on TV)

Ness:Ooh, elections!  Who will you vote for this year, mom?

Mom:There's only been one choice for the last 20 years, honey.  Mr. Pirkle.

Ness:Oh.  Right.  I wish that somebody would run against him for once.

(There's a knock at the door)

(Ness opens the door;Captain Strong is standing there)

Captain Strong:Ness, you've promised to give a speech supporting Mayor Pirkle in the next election.  Please be at Town Hall, noon tomorrow.

Ness:Yes sir, OK sir.

Captain Strong:Good.  And where a suit.

Ness:I don't have a suit.

Captain Strong:Buy one.

Ness:It's 11:00 at night!

Captain Strong:I can't hear you, LA LA LA LA LA!

Ness:Sure, a suit.

(Captain Strong leaves)

(Ness is about to make his speech at Town Hall to a big crowd)

Captain Strong:And now, hero to billions, protector of Earth, and reformer of gangs, Ness!

(Ness steps up to the micro-phone)

Ness:I'd like-

Citizen:Ness would like to run for mayor!  Yeah!

Liar X. Agerate:Woo-Hoo!  You da' man, Ness!

Frank:3 cheers for Ness!

Crowd:Hip-Hip-Hurrah!

Crowd:Hip-Hip-Hurrah!

Crowd:Hip-Hip-Hurrah!

Ness:What?!  No, no, I'm just giving a speech!

Frank:A speech about running for mayor?!  Cool!  Go Ness!

Sharks:Vote for Ness!

Hideout Gang:Vote for Ness!

Police:Vote for-(Mr.Pirkle glares at them)-uhhh, vote for, Mayor Pirkle!

Ness:No, I'm just a kid, I can't-

Liar X. Agerate:-resist running for Mayor?  Great!

Crowd:Yeah!

Ness:I'm sorry Mr. Pirkle!

B.H. Pirkle:How will I win now?!  There's someone running against me!  ARGH!  I THINK I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!

(Ness backs away)

Ness:I think that I'll go to the Burger Shop...

(Ness is sitting in the Burger Shop with Frank, drinking a Can of Juice)

Ness:*sigh* Frank, what am I gonna do now?

Frank:About what?  You're going to be the Mayor of Onett!

Ness:But I'm 13-years-old!

Frank:...You're going to be the mayor of Onett!

Ness:You were a big help Frank, thanks.

Frank:You're going to be the Mayor of Onett!

(Ness is walking home, and Aloysius Minch runs up to him)

Aloysius Minch:Ness, my boy!

Ness:Hi Mr. Minch.

Aloysius Minch:Ness, I'd like to be your campaign manager!

Ness:OK, fine, whatever.

Aloysius Minch:You'll have to be perkier than that to win the election.

Ness:So, what do you have in mind for the campaign.

Aloysius Minch:First we need a campaign head quarters...

Ness:We can use a house I bought for the low, low price of $7500.

Aloysius Minch:Perfect!  Now, we'll need a song, or a catch phrase, something to get the voters to like you...

Ness:Right, Mr. Minch, do you have any idea about how to run a campaign?

Aloysius Minch:Hmmm...I like it!  You're a smart boy!  I can see it now!  Big billboards with your face on them saying "Vote for Ness, Do You Have Any Idea About How To Run A Campaign?"

Ness:I think I have to go home now...

(Ness runs full-speed to his house and locks the door)

Ness:Mom, I don't wanna be mayor!

Mom:Good news, hon, your approval rating is 95%!  

Ness:I wish I was dead.

Mom:What?

Ness:This campaign stuff is all a bunch of-

(Doorbell rings)

(Ness opens the door, and Paula walks in)

Paula:Hello, Mrs, errrr, uhhh, Mrs...Ness.

Mom:Hello Paula!  Would you like some cake?

Paula:No thank you, I'm trying to cut back.

Ness:Paula, what are you doing here? 

Paula(sarcastically):Oh gee, I forgot, well, it could be that my 13-YEAR-OLD BOYFRIEND IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR!

Ness:Oh yeah.  That thing.

Paula:I am so proud of you!  

(Paula kisses Ness)

Mom:Ummm, I'm still here.

(There's a knock at the door)

Ness:Groan, who now?

(Jeff is standing there)

Jeff:Hello Ness.  Hello Paula.  I heard about your entrance into polotics.

Ness:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Ness runs upstairs)

Jeff:Something I said?

(Ness finds that Aloysius Minch is in his room)

Ness:Mr. Minch, what are you doing here?

Aloysius Minch:Can't a person be looking around in another persons room and not be suspected of murder?!  

Ness:No.  Why are you here?

Aloysius Minch:Elections are the day after tomorrow, so tomorrow we will have a big party in honor of you winning! 

Ness:But I haven't won yet!

Aloysius Minch:A minor set back.  Anyway, it'll be at the Campaign HQ, and every Ness-supporter in town will be there!  We'll be selling Ness shirts, Ness hats, Ness action figures, Ness coffee mugs, Ness video games, Ness sings the hits of the 70's CDs, Ness calenders.

Ness:I suppose it is cool that I'm Eagleland's answer to Hello Kitty™, but I dunno.  Are you selling anything else?

Aloysius Minch:Ness pens, Ness coloring books, Ness underpants, locks of Ness's hair, Ness.

Ness:What do you mean "Ness?"

Aloysius Minch:We'll be selling a night in Fourside with you to whatever lucky lady bids the highest.

(suddenly, Aloysius Minch is trapped in a block of ice)

(Paula is at the door to Ness's room)

Paula:Learning PSI Freeze Omega did pay off.

(The next day, hundreds of citizens of Onett are at the cliff near the Campaign HQ)

(Paula and Tracy are dressed up as cheerleaders)

Paula and Tracy:Ness, Ness, he's the best, B.H. Pirkle needs a rest!

Frank and the Sharks:Vote for Ness or we'll beat the crap out of you!

Aloysius Minch:Vote for Ness, Do You Have Any Idea About How To Run A Campaign?!

Ness:Mr. Minch, I just had a weird feeling, like something is going to...uh oh.

(The ground under them falls into the ocean, and everyone is soaked)

(Everyone goes back to their homes, past town hall)

Mr.Pirkle:What happened?  Is there any way to exploit it?!

Captain Strong:Sir, this law clearly states that anybody wet before election day will not be able to vote.

Ness & Pirkle:WOO-HOO!

(The votes are counted)

Guy:And the winner is...

Pirkle:Heh heh, only the police and I could vote, I'll win for sure!

Guy...Ness!

Pirkle:Ness?!

(Ness sees it on TV at home)

Ness:ME?!

Paula:Good job, Ness!

(Paula kisses Ness)

Jeff:That's great, buddy!

Mom:I'm so proud!

Ness & Pirkle:I demand a recount!

Guy:6 for Ness, 1 for Pirkle.

(The 6 police officers run away)