Answering Unanswered Questions

(Ness and Paula are sitting in Ness's room, studying)

Ness: Paula, do you ever wonder about stuff?

Paula: Like why I don't fit into a size 3 anymore?

Ness: No, we've already figured out that Peanut-Cheese bars have lots of fat in them. I mean, real stuff.

Paula: Like what?

Ness: Well, how did the Apple Kid get so fat if he didn't have money to buy food?

Paula: I don't know, how?

Ness: And why are there only bathrooms in hospitals and the Monotoli building?

Paula: I don't know.

Ness: And why is Winters a country if only about 15 people live there? And why do almost all the citizens of Eagleland look exactly the same?

Paula: Maybe our entire adventure was a video game or something!

Ness & Paula: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Ness: Hee hee, I'm serious! I want to find out the answers. Want to come?

Paula: Beats math homework.

Ness: First I'll ask my dad something.

(Ness calls his dad on the phone)

Dad: Hello? Is that you, Ness?

Ness: Yeah dad. It's me. I have a question.

Dad: Shoot, buddy.

Ness: When I first went out to look for Pokey's little brother Picky, you said that you'd record my travels on my adventure, but, as far as you knew, I was just going out to find Picky.

Dad: Uhhhhh, errr, ummm...

Ness: And where are you, anyway? Why haven't I seen you since I was 4 days old?

Dad: I GOTTA GO!

(Ness hangs up)

Ness: Cmon, we're going to the burger shop.

Paula: I'm not hungry.

(Ness and Paula go into the Burger Shop, Ness starts to talk to Frank)

Frank: Hi Ness, how are ya'?

Ness: I'm fine. Can I ask you a question?

Frank: Sure, go ahead!

Ness: How did you get this job if you've been a criminal for so long?

Frank: NEXT!

Ness: But-

Frank: NEXT!

Ness: Paula, let's go to the police station.

Paula: But I'm not doing anything wrong!

(Ness and Paula go into the police station and talk to Chief Strong)

Chief Strong: Hi Ness. Want a gun?

Ness: No thanks, Chief Strong. I have a question.

Chief Strong: Go ahead, m'boy.

Ness: Why didn't you ever raid the arcade and arrest Frank and the Sharks?

Chief Strong: Umm, well...

Ness: And how come you didn't lose your job after you and the cops assaulted me?

Chief: Uhh...lunch break! Time for my lunch break!

Paula: At 4:30 PM?

Chief: I eat late. Get out of here.

(Ness and Paula leave)

(Chief Strong picks up the phone and calls Frank)

Frank: Yeah?

Chief Strong: These nosy kids'll spoil the whole operation! Call "Ness's Dad," they have to be stopped before they reach Fourside!

(Ness and Paula are in Twoson, in Paula's house)

Ness: Hi Paula's Mom. Can I ask you a question?

Paula's Mom: Sure. I'm still not a good cook, want some food?

Ness: Why do you offer me food if it isn't good?

Paula's Mom: Uhhh, I'm busy now. Go away.

Ness: OK. Paula's Dad?

Paula's Dad: Yes, Ness?

Ness: Why do you let me sleep here all the time? And why weren't you concerned when Paula left with me for Threed?

(Paula's Dad turns on the radio to the highest volume)

Paula's Dad: SORRY KIDS! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

(Ness and Paula are talking to Orange Kid)

Orange Kid: Hello Ness. Hellooooooo, Paula.

Ness: I have a few questions for you.

Orange Kid: Questions? OK.

Ness: If you're so good with the ladies, why are you the only one in this house all the time?

Orange Kid: Ummmm...

Ness: And why is Apple Kid so fat if he can't buy food?

Orange Kid: OK! OK! I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK! I am Apple Kid. Long before we met you, I got jealous of the Orange Kid, now the Apple Kid, because he was so handsome and I was so ugly and fat. I invented something to switch our brains. It worked, and I erased Apple Kid's memory of the event. The only thing was that I can't invent anything useful anymore because my genius was implanted into Apple Kid's mind.

Ness: OK, our first straight answer. Now, off to Winters.

(Ness and Paula are talking to Maxwell Labs)

Ness: Maxwell, why are there 8 students, 1 teacher, and 6 rooms in this huge boarding school?

Maxwell: Ummm, I'd answer that...but I have a class to teach! Yes, that will do...

Ness: ARGH! This is tough!

Paula: Don't give up. Where to now?

Ness: Fourside. We're sure to find answers there.

(Ness and Paula go to Fourside)

Ness: Hmmmm, I think we should read that sign in front of the big pink building...

Sign: This is a regular shoe store. We have shoes. KEEP OUT, NESS & PAULA!

Paula: I think we should go in.

Ness: I do too.

(A man with lots of mad ducks runs up)

Man: Oh, sorry, you know how Mad Ducks can be!

Ness: We can't go into the building, the mad ducks are all over the place.

(Paula used PSI Fire Omega)

Mad Ducks: QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

(Mad Ducks run away)

Paula: Quick! Inside!

(Ness and Paula run inside)

Ness: Wow, this is cool. Hey, look down there!

(Frank, Chief Strong, and a bee are in a room with a phone)

Frank: Good thing Ness didn't ask anymore questions, eh?

Chief Strong: Sure is, son! He might've figured out that the Onett Police force and the Sharks are allies! And that you're my son.

Buzz-Buzz: Well, almost time to call my "Son," eh?

Frank, Chief Strong and Buzz Buzz: HA HA HA!

(Ness's reciever phone rings)

Ness: Hello? Oh, hi Buzz Buzz, I mean, Hi Dad!

Buzz Buzz: Buzz Buzz? Are you hopped up on goofballs, son?

(Maxwell runs into the room that Frank, Chief Strong, and Buzz Buzz are in)

Buzz Buzz: Gotta go, son.

Maxwell: Ness was asking all these questions! If he finds out the the other side of the boarding house is where we keep the bathrooms, TVs, kitchens, and stuff like that, then we're sunk!

Buzz Buzz: Relax, those kids couldn't figure out a cold!

(A hotel manager runs in)

Hotel Guy: Guys, Ness called earlier, asking why all the hotels only have 2 beds, and why he is charged per person rather than per room!

Maxwell: You told him the alarm clock thing, didn't you?

Hotel Guy: Yes, yes, but he didn't believe me!

Ness: C'mon, Paula, we need to find some more answers...

Paula: Good thinkin'. Let's go.

(Ness and Paula look through the window of some kind of lab)

Scientist: C'mon, we need to make more clones! Everybody has to look alike. We have a shortage of "Mr. T guys" and "Kid-with-T-Shirts!" Make less "Retro Hippies!" More "Fat Women With Shopping Bags!" More "Fat Guys!" Less "Tessie Watchers!"

Ness: So that explains it!

Paula: Hmmmmmm, where to now?

Ness: Hmmmm...I think we should find out who's in charge here!

Paula: We could try that door marked "Boss's Office."

Ness: Good idea. I'm finally gonna find out why that Photo-Guy was stalking us!

Paula: And who exactly is Poo's Master? Poo's father? Maybe he's Poo's brother!

Ness: Poo's brother! That's rich!

(Ness opens the door to the Boss's Office and comes in)

(The Boss is sitting in a chair, with his back to Ness and Paula)

Ness: Alright, I want to know what going on here! Why is everyone keeping secrets from us?! But first, who are you?

Boss: It's-a me! Mario!

(Boss swivels around in his chair so that he's facing Ness and Paula)

Mario: Hallo!

Ness: Figures. So, why is everyone lying to us, keeping secrets?

(Poo and Jeff teleport into the office)

Jeff: We got your PSI Call, Paula, why are we here?

Paula: To learn the truth...

(Buzz-Buzz, Dr. Andonuts, Paula's Parents, Tracy, Ness's Mom, and Poo's Master come in the room)

Buzz-Buzz: It's true, Ness! I'm alive, and I was the one who called you, pretending to be your father! Your father died fighting Giygas with me, in the future!

Dr. Andonuts: Jeff, your mother has been dead for 12 years!

Poo's Master: Poo is my big brother! He was born in 1707, and he was frozen at 14. After I grew up, I could be his master, so we thawed him!

Tracy: I told the people at Escargo Express that I was 36! I knew that they wouldn't hire an 8-year-old!

Ness: Finally! I know it all!

Mario: Not-a quite-a, there's-a more.

Paula: You hear that Ness, he said "amore."

Ness: Yeah. Whatever. What more?

Mario: This-a world is-a just a video game!

Ness: Video game?!

Dr.Andonuts: I'm sorry, Ness. He's right. This building controls the entire game.

Ness: What do we do now?

(Frank Fly and the Sharks, Police Chief Strong and the Onett Police Force, Lardna Minch, Aloysius Minch, Picky Minch, Pokey Minch, Liar X. Agerate, B.H. Pirkle, Al Everdred, Carpainter, The Happy Happyists, Tony, Maxwell Labs, Bubble Monkey, A Bunch of Mr. Saturns, The Montague Brothers, Mr. Monotoli, Mr. Spoon, Mr. Fork, Star Master, Brick Road, and The Tendites all burst into the room)

Ness: What do we do now?

Everdred: Let's party!

Mr. Saturn: BoInG!

(The Runaway 5 and Venus burst into the room)

Bubble Monkey: Kya Kya! (Tequila!)

Mr. Monotoli: Boogie down!

(Everyone starts dancing)

(The Runaway 5 and Venus start to play and sing)

Lucky and Venus: You ain't nothin' but a Mad Duck,
Fallin' all the time!
You ain't nothin' but a Mad Duck,
Fallin' all the time!
You ain't never caught a Gruff Goat,
You ain't no friend of mine!

Ness: Macarena!

(Music and dancing stops)

(Everyone stares at Ness)

Ness: Yeah, Macarena and Cheese is yummy!

Aloysius Minch: I concur!

Frank: Ness rules!

Paula: Play on, band!

(Everyone dances again)

Lucky & Venus: Money! That's what I want!
Money! That's what is hot!
Money! That's what we don't got
'Cept freedom!
Freedom is what we really sought!

Star Master: PSI Party!

(The room becomes all big and colorful)

Ness: That's our story! Hope you liked it! Play it again, Lucky!

Lucky: We're out of songs! Does anybody here know any songs?

Mario: I do!

Lucky: Who are you?

Mario: It's-a Me, Mario!

(Mario hands Lucky sheet music)

Lucky: We can play this! A-1, a-2, a-1-2-3-4

Lucky & Venus: Swing your arms
from side to side,
c'mon, it's time to go!
Do the Mario!

Mario: C'mon, everybody do the Mario!

Everybody: Swing your arms from side to side!

(Everyone does the Mario)

(Happy Happyists paint things blue!)

(fade to black)

(A Mr.Saturn walks out)

Mr.Saturn: BOiNG! WhAt bE a vIdEo GaMe?