By:
It was a different era. With all universal cosmic destroyers taking an apparent hiatus, Eagleland was a safer place. Something wasn't right though; not in the eyes of one Morgan L. Everdred. When he decided to reform in the infamous 199X, going back to his meager, haiku-filled life just wasn't enough; oh no. The man wanted to take it back to the streets. He wanted to show that compared to Eagleland's lackluster police departments, he could bring criminals down to their knees. If there was one man that could stomp a prize-winning mudhole in Eagleland's seamy underbelly, it was Morgan Everdred. Since the man still had his fair share in wadage of bills, he was able to set up shop in Fourside. With his partner and mentor, John Shaft, crime and evil had no chance.
"Yo, Dred."
"Yeah, Shaft?"
"We got us a kid here from Onett. He needs to speak with you. Says it's urgent."
"By all means, bring the little man in."
The door opened to reveal a familiar face. It was Ness. Now a teenager, Ness thought he'd never have to see Everdred again, but it puzzled Everdred. Why was the Earth's most unlikely defender come to him to brandish the justice.
"Well, if it ain't my favorite hero. What brings you to the big city, cowboy?"
"Nice to see you again too, Everdred. Listen up, we got us a situation back in Onett. Turns out, Frank and the Sharks have made a little reunion tour back to the bad side. Not only that, but we've got some crooked cops that you know, look the other way. I'd take them all down myself, but I've got to stay legit. All of those hero endorsements I've got going would go away if the media ended up with incriminating pictures of me mounting an all out assualt on the crotches of Onett's finest with a random baseball bat."
"You know, kid. This type of stuff ain't exactly my bag, but I'm in. As a matter of fact, I'll do it for free. You got me off the streets when you were just a little nipper, Ness. It's the least I can do."
As the two long lost friends embraced in a hug, Shaft raised an eyebrow.
"Dred, tell me you ain't serious. Free?"
"Free, Shaft. You'll never understand the good deeds this kid did. Don't worry, John. I'll even cover our gas money, and hotel stuffage. We'll set out in the morning. That fine with you, Ness?"
"Fine and dandy like sour candy, Dredkins. Just remember, we'll need to keep things on the down low, capice?"
"My word is my bond, little Bounder. We'll have things settled before you know it. I always look forward to the opportunity of sticking it the man, anyways. Thanks for coming."
"No prob, Mr. Everdred. Oh, and be sure to watch out for those Sharks around the arcade."
"Little man, you underestimate me."
With the stage set for some Onett dominance, Everdred and Shaft set out to the arcade in Onett. With hopes of dealing with the Sharks before tackling the mighty police department, a heavily-armed Everdred arrived the next morning in Onett. He was greeted by two rather bland officers that had blocked the path to Twoson; where Everdred and Shaft arrived.
"Fellas, what seems to be the problem? My partner Shaft and I need through to Onett."
One of the officers, the fat one, turned to our favorite private investigator and his companion.
"Turn it around, you two. There's no chance you're getting to Onett today. I suggest you wait until after Chief Strong ends this latest lockdown. Now scram!"
Everdred wouldn't take "no" for an answer.
"Scram? Do you think I came down here in my low rider all the way from Fourside to scram? Listen, Chunk, let me through and I owe you an egg McMuffin. How does that deal strike you, sloth?"
"Sloth? You brash, mustache loving punk. I asked you nicely, but it's now time to feel my wrath."
As Everdred made quick work of giving the obese copper a justified thrashing, Shaft gave the other officer a cheap shot. With the two knocked for a loop, they were tied up and stored in one of those local exit mice house. I knew they were good for something. After getting out of the car near the arcade, four skateboard wielding Sharks approached our heroes. Drekins kept up the wit.
"Well, would you look at this. How's it going, kids?"
The Sharks sneered at Everdred.
"Now, you know an old poet like me can't take four of you little ruffians hissing and spitting. How about you save yourselves a genuine walloping by taking me and my friend Shaft to Frank?"
The four Sharks laughed as Everdred inserted a toothpick.
"Shaft, you think we got a problem here?"
"Indeed I do, Mr. Dred. What do you say we get rid of this here problem?"
"Mr. Shaft, you old softy. You know how I dig a plan."
Before the Sharks could react, Shaft and Everdred approached the crew, grabbing their skateboards; breaking all of them over their knees.
"Now, the way I see it, you kids got two choices: run home as fast as your little legs can take you, or you can take me to Frank after a proper beating."
The Sharks engaged. As two of them were caught in chokeslammed mid-air by an intimidating Shaft, Everdred took out the other two with one well-timed backhand. Problem solved. With the four little rascals running home, Everdred and Shaft walked right into the arcade.
"Dred, you believe this? Look at how all them Sharks are just watching us; quivering and such. Man, I ain't seen this much passive behavior since that last bum Roy Jones Jr. wiped out. What do you make of this, buddy?"
"I'd say those are some smart Sharks. Think about it, Shaft. These guys had Ness wipe the floor with them just years ago. Besides, we're in a recession. You can't really expect these punks to be playing too many games when they've got all of their quaters stored safely away in their piggy banks. There's the door to the back. It's Dred time.
"Dred time? Man, I don't know if you should stick with that one. You ever see Judge Dredd? Chances are, 'ole Stallone's got a patent on that one. Think of something else just to be sure."
"Brotha, what difference does it make? Oh, who am I kidding. It's time to dread the Dred forever because the Everdred says so!"
"Now that just doesn't slide off the tongue that nicely, and you know it. What is up with that one?"
"You know, dread the DRED forEVER? Come on, throw me a bone here, pal. I'm not exactly keen on this bum-kicking slogan thing. Years of haiku can do that to you. How about you take this one?"
"Fine, but we're working on this when we get back to Fourside. Ahem, swallow your tongue and hit the floor because Dred and Shaft are about to kick down that door!"
Kick down the door they did. Frank was sitting under a tree, and he was eating an apple. As soon as the two busted through the door, he chucked the apple and tried to climb over the fence for a clean getaway. However, you've got to keep in mind that Frank was never a fit guy. Perhaps this whole Onett gang leader thing was just to compensate for his stunningly lackluster physical ability. Anywho, Shaft and Dred easily ripped him off of the fence; giving him a quick beating.
"Shaft, hold him down. I'll question him. Shaft? Where'd you go?"
Frank was down, but very strangely, so was Shaft. The knife that was being used to cut the apple Frank was eating had landed in Shaft's torso. Gasping for air, Shaft knew this first investigation would be his last with Everdred.
"Shaft! There's a hospital nearby. Take that wicked-looking blade out, and we'll hurry. I'm sure you're just fine."
"Well dang. I can't believe this stuff, buddy. You can forget about me. Years in the crime fighting business, and a local, out of shape, apple-eating ron goes and gets the drop on me. Go on and question the guy by yourself. I'm sick of this junkage."
Before Everdred could say anything more, a humbled Shaft took out the knife, got up, and headed out. Out of the arcade and out of Everdred's life, Shaft must've taken the stabbing as quite disappointing for his formerly spotless track record. Everdred turned to a beaten Frank for answers.
"I'll cut to the chase, you greasy-haired nothing. Are you and the police department in cahoots?"
Frank gulped.
"Cahoots? Me and the police? Never. Why, I'd be more likely to be in cahoots with Sting and The Police than those imbeciles in blue. Get your facts straight, Everdred. You got it all wrong?"
"Do I? Well, you may be right, but you stabbed my partner, and there's a young lad named Ness that thinks you're lying."
"Ness? He's not here, is he? It doesn't matter, you've got to believe me. What benefits would I get from being an ally of the law."
"Why don't you tell me? With you and the law together, Captain Strong's regime suddenly looks more in control, you get to rat out rival gangs, and you two undermine the mayor in terms of authority on the town. Meanwhile, the state police know nothing as long as the mayor is oblivious, and Strong reports that crime is nonexistant here in Onett. Sure it sounds good on paper, but so does communism. So, you wanna change your little innocent plea before I beat the guilty out of you, or do you want to step up like any sensible man?"
"Fine, fine. You've got me. Great deductions you made, ace. One problem, though."
"What?"
As Everdred said that, he was met with a set of handcuffs as two of Onett's finest took Everdred out of action. After Frank dusted himself off, taking his fair share of cheap shots, the officers brought Everdred into headquaters. There he met Captain Strong for the first time. Just Dred, Strong, and Frank. With all three of them in one room, things didn't look too shabby for the forces of evil. Everdred was placed in a chair, disarmed, and bound with rope. Frank even stole his toothpick as he and Captain Strong began their attempt to break down the Burglin Park great. As soon as he was tied, Dred instantly conceived a way of escaping. The Swiss Army knife that had formerly held his favorite toothpick! He attempted some wicked deception as he began to jimmy the knife out of his back pocket with some crude mambo moves. Captain Strong raised an eyebrow.
"Well, looks like you've got the eye of the tiger, Mr. Everdred. You're a lucky one. To think, if you were from Onett or if Twoson was in my jurisdiction, you'd be jailed under the prison. You're mine now, though. Prepare, spanky. I thrive on taking down you "under the table" pseudo detectives."
"Just bring it. Oh, and your glasses are about as ugly as Frank's." Frank obviously disapproved.
"Why you little! You're gonna hurt!"
"Hurt this." Everdred cut the ropes with his knife, lunged at Frank, smashed his glasses with a quick series of backhands, rubbed his mustache, and went after Captain Strong.
"Don't you get it, Everdred? You lose! There's no way you can take down the mighty Captain Strong of Onett. The mayor can tell you what he wants, I run this town. I am this town!" Captain Strong pulled out a club to demonstrate the edge he still had over Everdred. Then, out of the window, a familiar-looking customer jumped through the window.
"Calvary's here." Before anyone even turned around, Captain Strong was smoked with some quick PSI Rockin action. As usual, Ness came to the rescue. It was just enough of a blast to stifle the fool as poor, helpless Frank was being kicked by Everdred while he was on the ground. After the mudhole was stomped in Frank, Everdred turned to a genuinely fried Captain Strong.
"You were saying?" Everdred turned back, took his toothpick again from Frank, put it in his mouth, and decked Captain Strong.
"Good work, kid. My bacon looked all but fried."
"That's not all, Everdred. I called in the state police. These two are going down. Until then, as if I couldn't get anymore famous, I've been named interim chief. As chief, I'm obligated to scout for new detectives, but I know you'll reject my offer. Thanks for you help.
"All in a days work. Let it be a lesson to you, though. A good Swiss Army knife can get you out of many a jam."
Ness and Everdred exchanged a hearty handshake, watched Frank and Strong be led away in handcuffs, and they finally parted ways. Dred loaded up the old low-rider, and even thought he saw Shaft while driving on his way to Fourside. His first case was a wild one. He took down two powerful, local forces, lost a friend and partner, and he even got that foo Ness to save the day again. All in all, Everdred was feeling fine. He even enlisted the help of a new secretary, Electra, once he got back. Electra spoke to Everdred of the events that took place on his first investigation.
"So, Mr. Everdred, I'm confused. What exactly did you investigate?"
"I never liked labels, Electra. To me, investigate means to be as bad as I know I can be. For the people, it means that I can be all that and more. It's all nothing more than my way of exhibiting Everdred's mojo like no other. Electra, honey, it's the way to give the demons what for, show the bad men what it's all about, and give the man the business. I'm here for the people, babe. You ever see the De Niro and Pacino classic, Heat?" Electra took a gulp of trout-flavored yogurt.
"No, sir. Feel free to enlighten me."
"Lady, my point is, I'm here to bring the funk. When the children call on me, I want to deliver like no other. I want to give them something the police department doesn't. Class."
"Sounds appealing sir, but you've got another call."
"Already? Dang, these kids just don't know when to quit. Where am I headed to this time?"
"Twoson, sir. Apparently, two young ladies called in to report that the Orange Kid was kidnapped by an unknown person or persons. They said you were the man for the job because you've got connections there."
"Indeed I do. Indeed I do. I'm on my way."
Everdred was the ideal investigator. The man was all about resolve, and he had plenty of swagger. A cool cucumber, the main got by his first case swimmingly. His street connections, eye for justice, and love of all things innocent made him the baddest good guy ever. With a click of his heels, he set out for Twoson. His town. The oddly low-key place that first planted the seeds of evil in him. Trying to put his emotions behind him, he passed through sneering, gritting his teeth, and wondering how things were back in Burglin Park. Maybe someone pulled the horrible act of inventor kidnap to get him back to Twoson. The man never believed in a "normal life", but things wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the chaos of his newfound career. There was a flip-side to that coin, though. Maybe this kidnapping was an attempt of getting Everdred to go back to his horrid life of crime. Everdred pondered these things on his trip. As he began to feel troubled and slightly discouraged, one thing was for sure. Everdred was here to stick it to all the suckas.