The Mach Pizza Man, Part I by EB 4 GBA The hot Onett sun beat down on the black asphalt as cars drove endlessly back and forth across its warm surface. Children played and adults went about their jobs as Drugstore clerks, Hotel receptionists, and restaurant cashiers. But not Bob. Bob was recently fired from his job as an Onett Police Officer after being ordered to challenge a small child wearing a backpack and systematically beaten along with his fellow Officers. The Chief had been beaten as well, but after being asked about the incident, his excuse was, "You're fired! Get out of my sight!" Bob was a little disheartened. But not today. Bob had found several job opportunities that he felt would surely pay off. "Hello," Bob spoke into the telephone. "Is this the Escargo Express?" "Yes," said the phone operator. "May I ask the nature of this particular call?" "Yes, that's your job. I was wondering about current job openings." "Well...We have an opening in our on-foot delivery service...No, wait, that job was given to a small child named Tracy today." "Oh...okay. Goodbye." Bob slammed the receiver down. "That's ok." He thought. Bob did not want to be part of a company that divulges a worker's name without so much as an inquiry. As he flipped through the Onett phone book, he came to another entry. Mach Pizza Delivery. "Well, I guess it's worth a try." Bob picked up the phone and dialed the number in the phone book. "Hello," said an Italian voice on the other end, "Mach Pizza Delivery!" "Urm...Yes, my name is Bob. I was wondering if you had any recent job openings?" "Why YEEEESSS! We have several new openings. Are you interested in becoming a pizza-delivery girl?" "Umm...No, I am a man." "Why YEEEESSS! I could never tell! Do you have problems with that on a regular basis?" "No...This is the first time. Thanks for asking. About the job apps?" "Yes, we have an opening in our on-foot delivery service!" Bob thought about the irony of calling two on-foot delivery services in one five-minute period, and then wondered if the lack of a "YEEESSS" indicated that he was speaking to a different telephone operator. "Well, what job requirements are needed?" "Why NONE! Just the ability to walk and carry a pizza at the same time over GREAT, GREAT distances!" Same guy. "Umm...I think I could handle that. I was a police officer, after all." "Oh REALLY! 'Was?' " "Well, I wouldn't be applying for this job if I still had a job now would I?" "Well YEEESSS! May this fine telephone operator inquire WHY you are no longer at your job as a police officer?" "Personal reasons." Needless to say, Bob was beginning to become irritated with the pizza man. "WELL! We will not inquire further on your problems at your previous job." The operator seemed to be reading off a sheet that told him to speak in an Italian accent. "Umm...can I make an inquiry now?" "Why YEEESSS!" Bob predicted he would speak those words. "Is your accent real?" "Why YEEESSS!" Bob chose not to provoke any more of these sayings. "So, can I have your job?" "Why YEE..." Bob cut the man off. "Umm, thank you. When do I start?" "On Friday!" Bob was even further irritated at the fact that he would have only one day to prepare for his new job. "Well...I guess I will see you on Friday. Where is your company located?" "No, no that WON'T be necessary! We will send everything to your house!" "Ok...thank you." "Why you ARE welcome!" He gave the operator his address to his house and finally finished the conversation. Bob once again slammed the receiver down, wondering what he had gotten himself into. The next day, Bob's mailbox surprisingly contained a small package. He wondered how they had delivered it so fast. As he tore open the plastic wrap, he was astonished at the contents he found within the box. A shirt folded to the point that it was small enough to fit within the small box, with a pre-tied bowtie, a top hat, a fake moustache, a post-it note, and a small air freshener with a pizza-delivery guy graced the interior of the box. Bob quickly dressed himself and looked in the mirror. After placing the fake moustache on his face, he noticed that he looked exactly like the man on the air freshener. "This is sad." Bob said to himself. Just as he uttered these words his phone rang. He picked it up. It was Mach Pizza. The annoying Italian man told him that he was to bring a Large Pizza to Threed. He was to pick up the pizza at the local Drugstore. Bob was soon on his way to the drugstore, completely naive to the horrible situation he had just gotten himself into.