Boing, humbug!
(A Saturn Christmas Carol)
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In the little, secluded place known as Saturn Valley, there lived the Mr.
Saturns. One of the Mr. Saturns was called Ebenezer Saturn (Ebenezer Saturn:
Zoom! Mr. Saturns boing no have boing names! Ding!) (Yes, you're right, but
we are calling you Ebenezer Saturn.) (E.S.: Boing! Humbug!). Ebenezer was a
stingy old miser (E.S.: Ding! I am no miser or stingy and Mr. Saturns no
need cashoooooola zoom! Boing, humbug!). Before he interrupts again (E.S.:
Ding! Zoom! Boing!) we had better get to  his story.

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OK, we all know the background info (and even if you don't, there is no room
for humor or EarthBound-A-Liciousness) so let's just get to the good part
where Ebenezer Saturn is being haunted by the ghost of Picky Marley.

Ebenezer Saturn: Zoom! You want things boing of me and zoom?

Picky Marley: Yes! I am covered with chains shaped like Peanut Cheese Bars
and Stag Beetles! You are, too! I can see them! You must be haunted by three
more ghosts if you don't want to be tortured like me for all eternity!

E.S.: Boing, humbug! How tortured are you? Ding?

P.M.: I just am! I wasn't always Picky! I used to be that weird guy in
Twoson's Hotel who gives you $50 for no apparent reason!

E.S.: Zoom! Boing, humbug!

(Picky Marley leaves)

E.S.: Boing! I want slumber.

(Goes to sleep)

(Wakes up with a crash, boom, and bang)

???: I am the ghost of Christmas Past!

E.S.: Ding! It's a zoom Carpainter!

Carpainter of C.P.: Well, who else could wake you up like that? You couldn't
expect them to send a Kraken! Or that Thunder-&-Storm... And that awful
Musica! It just wouldn't work!

E.Saturn: Boing, humbug! What you want of me?

Carpainter of C.P.: I must show you things that happened long ago!

Ebenezer S.: Boing, humbug! Why?

Carpainter of C.P.: I dunno... because Mani Mani said so! (hey, this
"said-so" thing works! The fools believe it when I have no clue what the
answer is!)

E.S.:What? Muttering to yourself were you!

C.o.C.P.: Nevermind... Here, come with me or I'll sic my Insane (or is it
Inane? I CANNOT find any good followers!!!) Cultists on you!

(With a crash, boom, and bang, they arrive in a steaming hot  grassland)

E.S.: Ding! There is Wetnosaur over there! You zoom took us boing back to
prehistory!

Carpainter of C.P.: No, I just made a wrong turn. We're in the Lost
Underworld in 199X. I'll try again... (I KNEW I should have taken the Phase
Distorter, but noooo...)

(With a crash, boom, and bang, they arrive in Saturn Valley in the year
197X)

E.S.: Boing, humbug! Saturn Valley this zoom just is!! Home zoom going am I!

C.o.C.P.: No, you don't! Your home hasn't been built yet! The year here is
197X!

E.S.: So why did boing you take me boing here?

Carpainter of C.P.: I dunno, I just felt like it! Home you go!

(With a crash, boom, and bang, Ebenezer finds himself at home in the present
year.)

E.S.: Boing, humbug! I want more slumber.

(Goes to sleep again)

(A weird figure with sunglasses, dark hair, a flowered shirt and greenish
pants walks across the dark room and tries to steal a Mr. Saturn coin)

Ebenezer Saturn: Zoom! What you do here, Everdred?

Everdred: I am not Everdred! You can, uh, call me Bob. (Realizes Saturn
Valley doesn't have a police force) Oh wait a minute, I am Everdred! Or
wait, I'm not. I'm the Everdred of Christmas Present!

E.S.: Boing! Christmas presents?

Everdred: No, Christmas Present, like here and now.

E.S.: Boing! Humbug! Why are you here? It's the middle ding of July!

Everdred: Oh yeah, I guess you're right. Still, the insane, twisted person
writing this story said I had to go here. So, I'm here. Got any food? I
smell Peanut Cheese Bars...

E.S.: No! Go or show me what you zoom want!

(Everdred became tame)

Everdred: Kay-... Oops, I mean OK. (I've been here too long...) Here we go!

(Nothing happens)

E.S.: Boing! Humbug! You didn't do anything!

Everdred: Yes, I did! This is the present! This is here and now!

Ebenezer Saturn: Boing, humbug!

Everdred: OK, OK, I took the easy way out. Let me show you Ness's house.

(They arrive in Ness's home in Onett)

E.S.: Ding! No one zoom is home!

Everdred: Of course not, they're all out having fun. It's the middle of
July, remember?

E.S.: Boing, humbug! Show them me to!

Everdred: Wait, I was wrong. Someone IS home!

E.S.: Zoicks! Who?

Everdred: Look over there!

(Points to the phone)

Everdred: That is Tiny Ness's-Dad. He is stuck inside the phone!

Ebenezer Saturn: Boing, humbug! You sound like some weird person from EB.Net
zoom Theories!

Everdred: Whatever.

(Everdred is spotted by the Onett Police Force)

Captain Strong: Hey, you guys!

Everdred: Yikes! We're outta here! I was caught by Super Ultra
Mambo-Tango-Foxtrot martial arts once, and don't want to again!

(Ebenezer Saturn finds himself at home in 199X with Everdred nowhere to be
found)

E.S.: Zoom! Boing, maybe not humbug!

(A figure shrouded in shadow enters the room. The figure strongly resembles
Paula.)

E.S: I zoom believe that you will show boing me things in the future. So
boing.

(The shadow-Paula of Christmas Future says nothing but raises a hand. They
whirl around until Ebenezer Saturn is dizzy and tries to throw up when he
realizes he doesn't have a stomach or a mouth.)

E.S.: Zoom! Who you think you be, Master Belch? (Looks at a newspaper) The
year is 200X. So boing show me what you want WITHOUT the zoom spinning.

(The Shadow-Paula points at Ness's house. They go inside.)

Ness's Mom: Oh no! The phone is dead! That must mean your father is dead
too!

Tracy: (What?! Whaddaya mean it's my line now? Oops...) Boo hoo hoo hoo!
(Gawd, what nerve! Who put me in here anyway?)

Ness: Mom, it's just a power failure. See, the lights are off too. Besides,
Dad's off who-knows-where, he doesn't live inside the phone!

Ness's Mom: Oh, yeah. Right. OK, King, time for your flea bath!!!

King: (Oh, no! Ness, you're not even calling! Why me?)

Ebenezer Saturn: OK, I zoom didn't need that. Now where we boing going?

(The Shadow-Paula raises a hand and the spinning starts. Ebenezer Saturn
jumps away and jumps back just as the spinning ends to get back.)

(Ebenezer Saturn is back in his room in the present time. The Paula-Shadow
is gone.)

(Picky Marley appears)

Picky: So, Ebenezer, did you learn anything?

E.S.: I think new things... different things... from now... But no, I didn't
zoom learn anything!

Picky: Good! I really am Picky, I was just bored. If you learned something
from that, You are way weirder than I originally thought! Bye! By the way, I
was just messing with your head again. It IS December! Bye!

Ebenezer Saturn: Boing! Humbug!


~The End~