TO:          All Onettonians

FROM:        H.B. Pirkle, proud mayor of Onett

DATE:        21-12-99

SUBJECT:     A FEW HOLIDAY NOTES

     Greetings, my great people of Onett!  Christmas
is only a few days away.  You know what that means
(and since I'm so confident in you that you know what
it means, I won't talk about it). Anyway, as your
concerned and thoughtful mayor, I want to make sure
you know what is going on this holiday season.
      First of all, to make sure no one gets stuck in
a snowstorm and is unable to be home this Christmas,
all roads will be blocked off. Now, I know what you,
my beautiful people, are thinking. "But aren't the
roads already closed due to some other inane reason?"
Well, yeah, they probably are. But you can never be
too careful!
      The Sharks' Gift Drive is now underway. They
will be going door to door, collecting new, unwrapped
toys for the needy. For each gift you give, they will
give a pack of gum. If you don't give them anything,
they will still give you gum. They will just spit it
on you.
      Finally, we are honored to have Twoson's own
Apple Kid to set up the nativity scene in front of
City Hall this year. Unfortunately, a freak accident
has vaporized two of our wise men, as well as sent our
baby Jesus into orbit around Eagleland. But no need
for disappointment; you will be able to see him
somewhere south of the constelation Shroomus on
Christmas night!
      Have a funky Christmas, everybody! And vote for
me!

rtr