Do it for the Monkey


"Hello?" a sexy voice said as she answered the phone.

"Surprising, I thought I got rid of her," Pirkle thought. Picking up the receiver, Pickle began his proposal, "Uhm... I have something to ask you."

"Whatever it is, I'm at your command."

"Well.. I.. uh.." Pirkle stuttered. Very quickly he asked, "Are you sure you can take care of this Ness guy?"

"Pirkle, Pirkle," the voice scolded, "Don't you know? You never keep a lady waiting for anything." Pirkle's face turned white. "Anyway, just let little ole me take care of things for you. Just go and do your thing." There was a click on the other end.

He hung up the phone very softly. Quietly, he said to himself, "Perhaps, after this is over, you won't be waiting any longer. Iwati!" The campaign manager looked up. "Get my car ready, we're going campaigning... in Saturn Valley."


"It has been 10 years, hasn't it baby," Ness said. "10 long years. Pretty soon, your parents will be moving out of Eagleland. They'll be taking you with them. You know, when I first saw you, it was love at first sight. I want to be the one who drives you. Tonight, I'm gonna to it!"

Paula barges in the room, and screamed, "NNNEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS! Why are you buffing the neighbors BMW again?"

Stuttering, he replied, "Well.. I.. uhh... well... Hey, wait a sec, how did you find me anyway?"

"Duh idiot! I'm psychic."

Mimicking Miss Cleo, Ness says, "Hello! I'm Miss Polestar! Do you want to see the future? It's only $2 for the first minute and 95 cents for every other min-" She slaps him. "Ow, that hurt."

"You deserved it."

"Well... sorry, I won't do it again."

"Good," she said. "If you need me, I'll me in my room." The garage door slammed.

Ness just stood there, with his mouth wide open. "Why do stand there whenever she's around. I need to be more assertive. You understand don't you?" he asked, looking towards the car. It just stood there, almost laughing at him.

A loud noise sounded. It was almost as though something ran into the garage door. "Who's there?" Ness asked, picking up his bat. He opened the back door to the garage. Everything was quiet.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" a loud person yelled. Quickly, Ness took his bat and SMAAAAAAASHED the offender. "Ow, okay Ness, it's just me Poo."

"Err... sorry?" Ness said, as he hid the bat behind his back, and put on a goofy grin.

"Well, M wants to see you, I'll take you to the Dalaam world headquarters of Franklin, Polestar, and Andounts Spy Agencies. Why isn't my name in there anyway? I work just as hard as the rest of you."

"Well Poo, it is a little something like this," Ness started putting his arm around Poo, "the Dalaam people don't have last names, and, well... adding Poo to a name doesn't make us look professional. Let me say goodbye to my Mom." Ness could hear Poo grumbling as he went to his house.

"And how's my son today? You look sooooooo cute in your little suit." Ness' mom said. She frowned, "You're going out with your little friends again, aren't you." Ness nodded. "Well Tracy is at work, so I'll send some steak with her, OK?" Ness nodded again. "Well see you later..."

Ness always feels like total crap after leaving his mom like that. "I'm over 20 years old," Ness thought. "Gosh I'm a serious momma's boy. At least Tracy lives in her own house, too bad I don't know where she lives" Of course, what Ness doesn't know, is that his sister moved into Pokey's house after he disappeared.

"You ready," Poo asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be, lets go!" Ness exclaimed. Poo began his PSI Teleport B. As soon as the spinning came, Ness got sick as usual.


A ringing noise was heard though out the whole limo. It went to the tune of Pollyanna. Little drops of sweat appeared on Pirkle as he answered his cell phone. "Y- Y- Yes?" he answered.

"BELCH! Hey spanky, it's me Master Blarf!" a disgusting voice on the other end said.

Relieved, the mayor answered, "Thank Mani Mani it's you Blarf."

"BELCH! Hey, I already tried this plan BELCH! before, and you know what? BELCH! It didn't work. BELCH! My stench brought those idiot kids BELCH! and they beat me. BELCH!"

It became obvious to Pirkle, that Master Blarf's "masculine" stench can be smelled though the phone. Coughing, he replied, "I have it taken care of."

"BELCH! Well my Mr. Saturns, BELCH! get to work!" The other end went dead. Pirkle was opening a window.


"I could never get used to Poo's teleportation," Ness said, after throwing up in the washroom. "Well... time to see M."

FPA Spy Agencies has a pretty modern interior. From the wired computer h4xz0r|ng network, to the coffee machines, everything looks and smells brand new. "With the cash I bring in from Dad," Ness thought to himself, "I can buy a brand new espresso machine every week." Quickly, Ness found himself in front of the service elevator. He swiped his card though and entered. He pushed the letter M, carefully making sure he doesn't push N, which is the napalm death, for random intruders.

After an uneventful ride, he finds himself in front of Venus, M's secretary. "I still can't believe she gave up her singing career," Ness thought, "but I guess with was for the better. With the scandal and all, I'm glad there's people like M, who could pick up poor lonely people thrown on the streets, and give them a job."

"Excuse me," Venus said.

"Oh sorry." Ness moved out of the way.

Smiling, she said, "This'll be a big one, I hope you don't get hurt." There was something in her voice. Ness couldn't tell what it was about, but he knew it was there. The big wooden oak doors opened, and Ness entered M's office.

"Kikikikya! (Please enter!)" M said. Yes M is a monkey. This reminded Ness, of a funny story the other day. He was with some of the company girls, and one of them said, what kind of monkey runs this place? He just stood there and smiled.

"Kya! (Take a seat!)" M scolded. Ness did just that. "Kiki...kya (As you might know, Master Blarf has been at large for a long time now. Venus found a conversation between him and another unknown person. Here, listen.)"

M pulled up a tape player, and pushed the play button, Master Blarf's voice was sounding. "BELCH! And then I grabbed the poor little thing, BELCH! and forced it to make more fly honey! BELCH!" "And Saturn Valley?" "BELCH! Empty." A few snorts were heard from Blarf before the static came. M put the player away.

"Kikya...kyaki (Your mission is this, see what's going on in Saturn Valley. If anything suspicious is happening, do your butt-kicking thing, and make it better. Do you remember our slogan?"

Ness began to sound like a monkey, and squealed, "Kikyakikikya! (Do it for the monkey!)"

Beaming, M pulled a banana from one of his drawers. "Kyakiki! (Good human!)" M said. He tossed the banana at Ness, who caught it in his teeth.


"Are you sure that's right?" Mr. Iwata said.

Pirkle replied, "Yes, fly honey is the perfect power source for the world conquest beam. After having Master Blarf 'donate' some fly honey, I'll have enough to take over the world!" The mayor began to indulge into maniacal laughter. Iwata did the same.


Jeff, "And that's your car." Jeff said, pointing to the red sports car. It isn't a BMW.

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT A BMW IS?" Ness screamed.

"No." Ness muttered something around the longer lines of idiot. "Anyway you have all the regular gadgets, so go get 'em." Ness got into the car and drove off, hitting the curb, and then a lightpole.

A guy with blond hair, and it sticking up walked in to the room. Noticing Ness, he walked up to Jeff, and said, "So you were the one who stole my car." Jeff just stood there, and felt a little uneasy. The guy began to crack his knuckles...


Ness drove into an empty Saturn Valley. After healing at the empty doctor's house, spending the night at the empty Saturn Hotel, and 'borrowing' items from an empty store, he drove off to Threed to see if anyone there knew anything.

Quite contrary to when he first arrived there ten years ago, Threed was a city full of flowers, love, happiness, and hippies. It became Fourside's official suburban area, after it grew too far into Dusty Dunes Desert. After asking the locals on the streets, Ness went into a local pub.

Seeing a rather nice-looking lady, Ness sat down next to her, and said his famous line, "How are you today? The name's Franklin, Ness Franklin." The lady turned around, and much to Ness' surprise, it was Venus. "V-v-venus?"

"Hi Ness! M said to do the Bond girl thing with you, I'd figured you'd be here, and so, here I am!"

"Well, I, umm..." Ness started, but then he heard a disgusting belch. It came from the deformed thing in the shady corner. "It's Blarf, stay here." Venus didn't seem too happy about wanting to stay.

After a bit of creeping, Ness landed in the sit next to Belch. It seems as though Blarf is ordering his drink. "BELCH! Today's garbage, mixed up, BELCH! on the rocks." Gross, Blarf likes the weirdest stuff. Hearing Ness' disgust, Blarf looked up and found Venus. He went toward her, grabbed her, and bolted for the door, picking up his drink on the way. At least she played the part.

"Drat!" thought Ness. "Now I have to save the 'Bond Girl,' whatever that means." He rushed to the door, only to find his car scrapped. He did the only PSI move he remembers, PSI Teleport a. After a few tries of running in to random objects, he finally gets fast enough to go into teleport speed.


"Tonight's the last night to have dinner with my fiancée," thought Tracy. "Because he won't be my fiancée anymore. Tomorrow, we're getting married. I'm so excited." There was a sound in the garage. Picking up the spatula, she slowly headed for it. "I hope no one is going to steal my BMW." Quietly, she opens the door. A man in a black suit is in her car. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CAR!" she screamed.

The voice replied, "The name's Franklin, Ness Franklin." He sped off in her car.

"What's my brother doing over here?" Tracy said to herself. "Wait a sec, NESS GIVE BACK MY CAR!"


Ness couldn't believe he did it. He got away with the BMW. Now to head for Blarf's base. Of course it has been awhile since Ness has been to Grapefruit Falls. 10 years? How'd you know that?

It is just as disgusting as last time. Ness couldn't believe he has to stand, unblinking, under the puke waterfall for a full three minutes. After being let in, there were no enemies. Ness wanted to see a Foddy (Foppy/Fobby relative), but they weren't around. After getting his pistol ready, he ran around the corner, only to find a note in Blarf's spot. The note was almost green and barely unreadable from the stench. The note read:

"Hey spanky, I took the girl to Onett Point, meet me there. Gyork! Gyork! Gyork!"

After reading it, Ness ran right to his car (it wasn't trashed thankfully) and drove off. He past the cage where all the Mr. Saturns were, and Ness let them out. ("We thank, boing!") There was a dying man in the cage too. Dr. Saturn came to Ness, and said, "Nothing to do, ding he die soon zoom." Knowing very well that Dr. Saturn is the best doctor in the world, he probably was right. Ness went to the man, and found out it was B.H. Pirkle, former mayor of Onett, who was trying to run for Fourside office that has been held by the Demopublican, Monotoli, for a long time.

Pirkle spoke, "It was Blarf. He cut me. Now I'm internally bleeding." He opened a ring case, and it played a cute musicbox tune. Inside was a note with the words, would you marry me? "Give this... to... Venus..." He lied there, unmoving, Dr. Saturn was shaking his head, or whole body, depends on how you look at it.

"Sure," Ness said to the dead body, "I will." He got into the car, and drove off.


At Onett Point, Blarf was talking to his prisoner, who was in a cage with the sheet over it. "Heeg! Heeg! Heeg! Here Ness comes." A black sports car drove up. Ness got out, his overcoat was rustling in the wind, and he was pointing a gun at Blarf. Ness shot his pistol; the bullet whizzed by Blarf, hitting the release button. The cage opened, and Venus didn't come out, but Paula did. "NEESSSS! Save me!"

Ness opened the hood of his car, lit his lighter, and threw it in to the engine. He got in the car, and drove it into Blarf, and jumped out of it before the car and Blarf went over the cliff. Halfway through the fall, the car exploded, and it rain muck and junk for a few seconds. Ness walked over to Paula, but she said, "No don't!"

From nowhere, Venus came, and put the trigger of a gun to Paula's head. "If you come any closer," she threatened, "I'll shoot!" Venus then took Paula into the nearby airplane. She strapped Paula up in the co-pilot's seat, and flew off.

"Ness will get you for this!" Paula screamed!

"Oh no he won't," Venus replied, "Just look at the idiot, he's running into poles, and cars, and things."


On the ground, Ness was trying to get to Onett Airport by teleporting, and running into things. Eventually, he found another little airplane thing. He got into it, and started flying it. Ness caught up with Venus a little bit later, and they started exchanging insults.

"Your mom."

"Your mom."

"Your mom."

"Your mom."

Ness flew around to the other side of the plane. By that time, Paula had undone her ropes, and was ready to jump. Ness opened the door to the plane, just as Paula opened hers. She jumped in, and Ness took his pistol, aimed, and hit Venus' engine. She spiraled down.


Later that day, the police had declared that Venus' plane fell due to the account of pilot error. Reports of the muck and Pirkle's disappearance weren't said. Ness showed up at the site, and Tracy was sitting near the point. ("My... My... My... My car!") He walked up to the crashed plane, and threw Pirkle's ring box in the pile of junk. He muttered, "Happy Wedding."

Walking away, he saw a German man with a musicbox, and his pet monkey dancing with a collection can. Only the German man was Poo, and the monkey was M. Poo said, "M has another mission for you."

M said, "Kikikikikya. (This is so embarrassing.)"


This fanfic was made by ROFISH. ROFISH is currently working at Strange Company. He agrees that it is.