They were sitting by the Summers shore, her head on his shoulder, just watching the waves roll in, without a care in the world. It was beautiful, seeing the sunset together, watching the blue of the sky dissolve into pearlescent layers of peach, purple, and rose petal pink. His heart was beating at twice its normal pace, just being near her, taking in the sights and the scent of her hair. He turned to glance at her, to tell her once and for all how he felt, but just as he was about to speak, a giant wave broke on the shore, spraying them both with a salty mist, and he lost his concentration...
Jeff woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. Blinking rapidly, he fumbled for the receiver, only half awake. "Hello..." he murmured.
"Ness is coming home today!"
"I know." Jeff held the phone away as he yawned. "What time again?"
"Just after ten o'clock this morning. Isn't it exciting?"
"Very. Gonna be heading over by yourself?"
"No, I want you to come too! You haven't seen him in six months either, Jeff. I know I'm not the only one who misses him."
"I know, I just didn't want to... be a third wheel, if you catch my drift."
"Don't be silly! You're coming."
"Okay. Quarter after nine in the lobby sound good?" Jeff's eyes focused on the light of the clock radio on the other side of the room. It read 7:13.
"Excellent... oh, Jeff, I'm so happy he's coming back!"
"So am I. See you then!"
"Bye!" A click, and the line was quiet.
Jeff rubbed his eyes with one hand as he set the receiver down. Paula had sounded awfully excited about Ness's return from war, and for some reason, he felt worried. He wasn't without guilt; he knew he should be happy that Ness was coming back, that he had made it through the war alive. Ness had always been a good friend to him. This should be a time to rejoice.
When Ness had first told him he had enlisted, Jeff had been devastated. He'd wanted to go with his best friend into the line of battle, but being an official citizen of Winters, he was not permitted to enlist in the Eagleland National Army. Warning him to be careful, Jeff had been the one to stand by his girlfriend Paula and watch as someone they both cared about very much walked out of their lives. They hoped his absence would be only temporary, but life is fragile and transitory, and comes with no guarantees, and one never knows what path destiny will take.
Ness's absence had been hard on Paula. A soldier couldn't write home often, and Paula grew worried and lonesome waiting for his letters. In those early days, she was drifting, lost, unable to connect with her surroundings, so concentrated on Ness and whether he would make it back okay. Jeff had seen it, plain as day, the pain in her, and caring about her, he had realized that he had to be the one to free her from that pain.
And so Jeff had made it his personal mission to help Paula through her ordeal. There had been a night, near the beginning, when he'd called her up on the phone, asked her if she wanted to talk, because she'd seemed so sad lately. Normally somewhat shy, Jeff was trying his hardest to extend himself to her. And she'd accepted his invitation wholeheartedly.
He closed his eyes now, remembering it. A cool September evening, Jeff dialing her number and listening to the rings while closing the window. The night was chilly, and Jeff felt nervous calling her, afraid she wouldn't want to talk, that she'd think this was a terrible idea, that he was a fool. But none of these things were true then.
She answered. "Hello?" Just the sound of her voice was different. Flat, lacking life, somehow. Jeff's heart ached for her.
"Paula? It's me, Jeff..."
Paula sounded surprised. "Oh, hi Jeff! Umm... what's up?"
"Nothing much..." Jeff hesitated. "I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, talk about anything. Or about everything. Or about nothing at all." He regretted each word as he said it. What do you think you're doing, Jeff Andonuts, intruding on her world, on her life? What makes you think she'd want to open up to you...
She let out a sigh, deep as if she'd been holding her breath. "Thank you, Jeff. I would love to. It's been a long while since I've... talked much with anyone..." It had been just two weeks since Ness's departure, but already Paula had become quiet and withdrawn. Her friends from the eighth floor of their Fourside College dormitory, Gwen Packard and Crescent Malloy, kept calling, but Paula never wanted to talk. Something felt empty inside, something that made Paula close all the doors to outside, but for some reason, she was willing to let Jeff in.
Now it was Jeff's turn to be surprised. "Yeah... so... tell me how you're doing, Paula."
"Can't you come downstairs and talk to me, Jeff?" Paula sounded exasperated. "Laura's not here, and I'm so lonely..."
"Come see you?" Jeff swallowed hard. Even though Paula was a close friend and had been for a long time, he still felt a little nervous about seeing her one-on-one. Painfully shy around girls, he liked it best when he and his roommate, Steve, hung out with Paula and her roommate, Laura Daniels. Laura was Paula's cousin, a real friendly, outgoing girl, and Steve was the kind of guy Jeff sometimes wished he was, cool and calm about everything. Gwen and Crescent joined them often, which Jeff never really minded. But being alone with a girl, even Paula, was scary somehow.
"Please?" Her voice absolutely begged him to go, and that was the only reason why Jeff went. Because he knew that Paula needed a friend, and he had to be that friend for her.
He recalled walking downstairs, a little slowly, dragging his feet as he went. He had to go to her, and yet he felt his shyness creeping up on him. Down from the seventh floor of the dorm to the fourth, where Paula lived. His shyness was a curse that followed him everywhere, no matter what he did.
She had a corner room, with two big windows that let the moonlight in. The windows were shut, but the shades were up, revealing an aqua sky dotted with white stars. She kept two small lamps turned on, lighting up the potted cactus garden that sat on her desk, just beside a framed photo of everyone from last summer: Crescent, Gwen, Steve, Jeff, Poo, Laura, Paula, Ness, Ness's roommate Harvey. They were all in a row at Carillon Beach in Summers, all smiling. Here they were now, in September of junior year, with Ness and Harvey off at war, and Steve shipping out to join them in less than a week.
"So..." Jeff was sitting at Paula's desk, his eyes squinting in the dimness of evening.
Her eyes were closed. "I miss Ness."
"I know." Jeff squirmed, wondering why he'd tried this, thinking of what he could say to help her. "I know," he repeated.
"And I'm... so worried..."
"Ness can take care of himself, you know he can. He's a fighter. He's strong, Paula. And he'll be writing to say he's coming home before you know it." He suddenly felt much wiser than he ever had before.
Paula swung her feet over the edge of her bed. "Yeah... I guess. But it doesn't make the fear go away. I just... don't want to lose him, Jeff. It would be so hard..."
The words rushed out of Jeff's mouth before he knew what he was saying. "You'd feel so alone." He blinked in the moonlight.
"I'm alone right now." Paula stared hard at her hands, folded and resting on her right thigh. What does it feel like, again, when someone holds my hand?
"No, you're not." Again, he had spoken without thinking... Why did I just say that? I should know better than to... to... to what, let myself get too involved? To get too close? Maybe there's nothing wrong with it...
"I'm not?"
"I'm here."
"Yeah, but Ness... he means so much to me, Jeff. Ness was supposed to take me to the Homecoming Ball this year."
He couldn't stop the words from slipping out. "Let me take you." A pause. "As a friend," he added nervously. The moonlight was filtering into the room softly, fading through his glasses, making him braver, or just less shy. As a friend.
"Jeff..."
"Not to replace Ness... I didn't mean it that way. Please don't think I did." A case of nerves surged up inside him again.
"No, of course not. But Jeff..."
Jeff peered up at Paula, seated on the edge of her bed. She was wearing blue, and the starlight reflected in her eyes. "Just let me be there, if you need someone. As a friend. Please, Paula..."
"I was just going to say, I'd like that a lot. And thanks." Paula smiled, and the dimness seemed to brighten.
Jeff's face felt flushed. So I'm taking her to the dance now. As a friend.
As a friend. We all know how long that lasts.
Meeting Ness had been bittersweet for Jeff. Paula had been overjoyed, running into his arms, squealing as he swept her off the ground, twirling her around, greeting her with a kiss. Jeff had felt both relieved and painfully awkward somehow, shaking Ness's hand and catching up, asking about the war. Jeff had spent a lot of time talking to Harvey and Steve while Paula was wrapped up in Ness, stars in her eyes. I know I should be more excited to see him, but I'm not feeling it for some reason. What's the matter with me?
Perhaps it was Paula. Jeff couldn't stop glancing over at her. Maybe he'd grown accustomed to her face after all their time spent together. Maybe he was remembering all the things they'd done together, the places they'd been, the dances they'd shared, the walks, the long conversations on the phone. As a friend. Or so he'd told himself.
Now it was eight o'clock, and they were all at a party being hosted by one of Ness's friends who had his own apartment in Fourside. It felt good to have the whole group back together again, with no one lost in the midst of war, and so they were celebrating. But Jeff just couldn't relax. No matter how he tried, he couldn't deny to himself that he'd fallen for Paula, and now that Ness was back, she was out of his reach. The past six months had been so wonderful that he hated to let them go, knowing things would never be that way between Paula and himself again.
The music was great, and so was the company. Jeff had been hanging around with Steve, Crescent, and Laura, listening to Steve's war stories. Jeff wasn't really paying attention, though. His mind wandered as he noticed that Ness and Paula were nowhere in sight. He suspected they were out on the balcony, or in the hall, spending a little time alone after being apart for so long. Jeff cringed at the thought, then scolded himself for doing so. He knew he should be happy for them, but something just wouldn't let him.
"Jeff, you okay? You look like your mind is someplace else..." Crescent observed.
"Me? No, I'm..." A smile lit Jeff's face as he saw Ness and Paula come in from the balcony. "I'm just fine. Excuse me." Slowly, cautiously, he approached Paula and Ness, just as a new song was starting.
"Hey guys, we were wondering where you went," Jeff said.
"Just outside," Ness replied. "Not leaving this party for anything."
Jeff's eyes drifted to Paula. "I don't want to seem rude, but..." He reached for Paula's hand. "Paula, can I have one last dance?"
Paula glanced quickly at Ness and then back at Jeff. "Most definitely," she answered, and Jeff took her hand and led her to a spot on the dance floor, which was actually just the part of the living room covered by a large area rug.
It felt good to dance with Paula again. Turning together, Jeff recalled that first time, the Homecoming Ball in October, and the few times they'd been dancing since then. He never paid any attention to the music or the surroundings, just to the warm, happy feeling it gave him, being with Paula. He liked her too much, and he knew it. It didn't feel like too much, though. It never felt like too much.
"Thanks, Jeff," Paula whispered towards the end of the song.
"Thanks for what?"
"For being there. For... everything." Paula smiled, and Jeff did too. It had been a great six months, hanging out together.
"My pleasure," was all that Jeff could muster. Then the song was over, and Paula stepped away, and walked back towards Ness. Jeff sighed... but then he noticed Ness speaking to the host, and then the host clapping to get everyone to look over.
"Can I have everyone's attention, please?" he called. "Ness here has something he'd like to say."
The room grew silent as all eyes fell on Ness. "Well, it's not really something to say, I mean it is, but not a story or anything... hmm, what's the right way to..." Paula nudged his arm, then leaned over to whisper something in his ear. Jeff held his breath waiting, along with everyone else.
"Well, I guess simplest is best. We just... well, we decided to... we wanted to announce that... Paula and I are engaged." He looked over at Paula, who grabbed his hand and grinned that sweet grin she gave when she was really, truly happy.
A thunderous applause rose up as everyone exhaled in congratulations. All the guests were terribly surprised, and yet, no one really was. As the music started again and they all stepped aside to let Ness and Paula have a special dance together, Jeff felt as though he'd had the wind knocked out of him. He couldn't bear to watch them dance together, smile. He slowly made his way toward the door and slipped out, hoping he'd gone unnoticed.
He should have been happy for them, but instead, it was like his worst nightmare come true. Ness and Paula engaged... she loved him. He'd known it all along, that she loved him, but somewhere inside of him, something had been hoping that maybe she didn't, that it would fade, that Jeff... it didn't matter now. Nothing matters now. I could never be... no, we could never be. Us. Never...
"Jeff?" He turned around and saw Crescent standing at the door, watching him walk away. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I'm just feeling a little sick. I think I'm gonna go home," he lied, although it wasn't altogether untrue. He was feeling ill, in quite a different day... heartsick. "See you all tomorrow."
"Okay," Crescent said, raising her eyebrows. "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine," he replied, and Crescent nodded and went back inside. Eventually.
All the way back to the dorm, he kept looking back up at the apartment, processing the news, thinking of the dream that never could have been. The music was faint at this distance, but Jeff could swear he heard an old tune wafting through the night air, a Sammy Davis Jr. version, reminding him how ironic those words had been, Paula, can I have one last dance...
I'm in love with a girl
But the man that she loves isn't me
I'll never see her again
And that's how it has to be
The party's over
It's time to call it a day
They've burst your pretty balloon
And taken that moon away
It's time to wind up
The masquerade
Just make your mind up
The piper must be paid
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
You've danced and dreamed through the night
It seemed to be right just being with her
Now you must wake up, all dreams must end
Take off that makeup, the party's over
It's all over, my friend
He felt awfully guilty thinking it, but all night long, Jeff could only think of how rotten his life would be with Ness back in town. The girl who he had fallen in love with over six blissful months had gone back to her boyfriend, leaving Jeff suddenly alone, which he hated. He'd never had a close companion like that before, like Paula had been during that time, and he couldn't stand the thought of giving it up. Yet it was so, and there was nothing Jeff could do about it.
Still, he couldn't help wishing that Ness hadn't come back so soon. Just one more month, one more week, a few more days with Paula. Then I could let go. Just a forewarning, a friendly forewarning, that's all I'd need... then I could release the dream, and things would be all right... But Jeff knew in his heart that even then, things wouldn't be right with him. I wish Ness hadn't come back, not now, not for a while... so I could be with her for sometime longer.
Guilt haunted Jeff, penetrating his dreams, but he figured he could brush it off. He was filled with a stew of guilt and jealousy, but he knew he could overcome it. Or so he thought.
You can imagine how he felt when he awoke the next morning to a phone call. Still sleepy in the darkness, he was immediately shocked into life by Paula's voice:
"Jeff, something's really wrong. Ness is missing..."