(A/N: I just wanted to thank everyone that gave me positive feedback on this series. I also wanted to give credit where credit is due: Dave Wright did a divine job editing episodes 1 and 2, and for episode 3, Jay3983 lends his gifted hand as well. While I am largely responsible for what you have been reading, Dave and Jay made sure that I didn’t drop the ball. And another special thanks to Loma for help with the roleplay scene. Kthxbyby! :D)

Friday morning. The sun would soon shine through the venetian blinds of the first floor of the Franklin house, creating a soft golden light that would illuminate the rooms within. Once upon a time, Ness would never be able to find the beauty in such an event. Insomnia can have a funny way of showing you beauty, sometimes.

He was sitting on the couch, watching a paid advertisement by Mr. Ron Popeil, when he noticed the sunshine seep through the blinds for the first time. Before he realized it, noticing turned to watching. He turned off the television and just enjoyed the serenity brought by the light.

Serenity. Perhaps that’s what he really needed. It has been proven repeatedly that tension is one of the top causes of insomnia. From now on, he, Paula, Jeff, and Poo were the defenders of the balance between good and evil. A balance that, if upset, could destroy humankind. A titanic responsibility like that has been known to make a person uncomfortable, especially when that person is 14 years old. Even moreso when, the night said responsibility was bestowed upon him, said 14-year-old had found out that his parents may or may not be splitting up after a blown phone sex session.

He knew he’d get over it, though. After all, he got over the war against Giygas, and it was only a matter of time before he treated this like just another part of childhood; birth, crawling, standing, walking, puberty, saving the world from unspeakable evil, prom, college. Simple as that.

Until then, how was he going to sleep? If he couldn’t sleep, how would he occupy himself? There was only so much Ron Popeil even he could take, let alone the rest of humanity.

He did have some PSI power left, despite his lack of rest. Paula had been training him in the art of clairvoyance. She challenged Ness to figure out where she was every time they talked over the phone or through each other’s minds. At first, he drew blanks. Then he saw a hazy picture in his head. Then the picture became clearer and clearer as Ness got better and better at it. As they talked, Ness saw Paula picking up groceries, laying on her bed, playing with the children. It was an interesting power to have.

Ness decided to see what everyone was doing. Maybe if one of them were awake, he’d give them a call.

Michelle was playing Counter-Strike. He wasn’t about to touch that with a 20 foot pole. The way he saw it, there were three things he had to remember: keep an eye out for Pokey, don’t piss in the wind, and don’t DARE interrupt Michelle while she’s playing Counter-Strike.

Paula was still fast asleep. She snored, and she dreamed, but it looked like a good dream and he didn’t want to interrupt Paula. He left her alone.

Then he came to Jeff. Jeff was putting finishing touches on something. It looked like another baddest gaia beam, except it looked to be a smaller size than the original. Jeff pulled his hands away from his creation, then took it in his hand. Then, he took another compact beam gun in his other hand. He had made akimbo Baddest Gaia Beams.

Ness chuckled to himself as Jeff posed in the mirror with his new toys in hand. I knew he’d like that movie. He reached for the phone and dialed the number of Jeff’s hotel room.

EarthBound: The Perpetual Adventures

Episode 3: Six Million Ways to Live

By Michael DePalma

Jeff looked in the hotel room mirror, his new guns in hand. Tony had caught an early flight out of Fourside to go back to Winters. Jeff said he’d be on an afternoon flight today, because he had to work on “a side project.” He would leave this “side project” in Ness’s care until he got back, whenever that was, just to make sure it wasn’t confiscated by airport security.

For now, this side project was all to himself. He looked at himself in the mirror, imagining himself to be the spitting image of Mark Lee. His eyeglasses turned into shades as his mouth twisted into a cool smirk and his right gun rose in time with the image in the mirror. “If you don’t stop pointing that gun,” he said to himself, “you’ll have to use it.”

The reflection did use the gun, but then again, so did he. This was because the phone suddenly rang in his room, making Jeff jump in shock and fire the gun. The burst of energy shattered the mirror into a hundred pieces. Jeff winced, got up, dusted himself off, tried to pretend that nothing happened, and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Yo, Jeff, it’s Ness.”

“Hey, Ness, guess what I just saw?”

“A Better Tomorrow?”

“What a movie! I mean, get to the hotel, you gotta see what I made.”

“What did you make?” Ness was not about to tell Jeff that he was spying on him.

“I made compact versions of the Baddest Gaia Beam. Note the plural.”

“You mean you made two—“

“Twin Gaia Pistols. It’s awesome, just awesome!”

"Uh-oh."

“Uh-oh, indeed. The gun is adjustable in strength. If someone needs to be tamed, I just set the guns to ‘burn,’ and the shots don’t do any permanent damage. When we have to deal with a level 3, it’s set to “anhilliate,” and it does as much damage as an average pistol. The best part, as usual, I never need to worry about running out of ammo. This will REVOLUTIONIZE the law enforcement industry.”

“That is cool, man.” An understatement, Ness figured, but it was early in the morning. “How long were you working on it?”

“Five hours to perfect the original. Another two to make a new one. Anyway, I’ve got a problem.”

“What kind?”

“I talked to my Dad. He said he’d be happy to pull me out of Snow Wood and enlist me in a public school, if that’s what I really wanted.”

“You forgot the ‘but.’”

“But, because the school year at Snow Wood isn’t divided into two terms like other prep schools, I can’t just drop out.”

“What?” Ness clenched his teeth, trying not to yell. He was sorry for Jeff, but he was more concerned at that moment about waking up Mom and Tracy.

“I know, it’s messed up. I’ve got a plan, though.”

“What’s that?”

“Look, I’ve been kept away from a lot of movies, music, etcetra. The philosophy at Snow Wood is that most of that stuff will rot your mind. It’s very conservative. My schoolmates are so blu—“

“You are not Holden Caufield. Get to the point.”

“I want to get myself expelled.”

Ness’s eyebrows jumped like Dan Johnson over a ten-foot bar. “Expelled?”

“One last hurrah, Ness. I need this. They’ve been asking for this for so long, man. I just have to figure out how.”

“Wow,” said Ness, “it must be bad over there.”

“Can you meet me at the hotel and take me to Snow Wood?”

“Sure thing, Jeff. I’ll see you there.”

The soft pitter-patter of several thousand raindrops could not overpower the soft sound of Dave Matthews and his band playing those smooth sounds and crooning those soft words that warned the listener not to burn the day away. She waited anxiously in her best dress, excited for the night she had ahead of her. The candles were lit and placed on the table, as well as some special incense she bought just for tonight. She poured the champagne—scratch that, sparkling apple cider since they were underage—and then heard the knock on the door she had been waiting for. She rushed to the door and opened it to Ness, looking so beautiful in that suit and tie, despite how drenched he was in God’s tears of joy. “I’ve been waiting for you,” she said.

“I couldn’t wait any longer,” said Ness. He leaned in close and—Paula, wake up.

Paula flipped in her bed, awakened from her wonderful dream by Poo’s voice. She looked at the clock, which told her that the time was 7:42 in the morning in big red numbers. Poo, WHAT DO YOU WANT? she telepathed back to him.

Relax, said Poo, Calm like the fox who waits for his prey. It’s time to start house hunting.

Poo, said Paula, it’s a quarter to eight on a vacation day. When I say, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me,” you of all people should know that I’m deadly serious!

Do not forget, said Poo, The early bird gets the worm.

Yes, said Paula, yes he does. You know why? Because the early bird is cranky and just wants to catch the worm and get back to bed! Paula’s anger seemed to dissapate when she realized that her morning crankyness had inherited some of Ness’ snarky attitude.

Poo laughed and said I am here now. Please do not make me wake up your family.

Alright, already, I’m coming. Paula rolled out of bed and marched downstairs, mumbling decidedly un-Christian words to herself about Poo’s timing as she moved closer to the door. She opened her door and said “I’ll make you some scrambled eggs if I don’t fall face first into the frying pan.”

“That would be very lovely,” said Poo.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Paula, “Come on in.”

“You know what else you have to see? Ocean’s Eleven.”

Ness brought this up to Jeff as they walked down the halls of the Snow Wood Boarding School boys dormitory, awash in a sea of taupe. Jeff looked around as he walked through. No music, no movies, no video games. Harry was working on a new math theory in his room. Tom and Cole were circled by several other students as they debated Chaos Theory. Meanwhile, Darren, Mark, John, and Kevin were discussing Tessie again, and over at the girl’s dormitory, Dani, Alissa, and Amanda were giggling over whose brain was the biggest.

Jeff remembered that a week ago, he would’ve loved to join in on the Tessie discussion, using his own personal experience to blow everyone away. Maybe he would get Tom’s back on the Chaos Theory debate, or help Harry with his theory. Perhaps he could sneak over to the girl’s dorm and invite the women to give him an MRI.

But none of that mattered anymore, for some reason. Now he wondered where he had been while life was on the move. Where was everyone else? Why haven’t they realized that they’re all sleeping through a world that hustled and bustled? He started to understand all that while he was on the first adventure with Ness and the gang, but now he really started getting a grip on what, in fact, was missing from his life. All because some guy forgot his David Holmes CD on his flight to Winters.

“You OK, Jeff?”

“Yeah, yeah, Dave Holmes scored the music for Ocean’s Eleven, right?”

“How would you know?”

“Some guy bought a David Holmes CD and left it on the plane. In the little booklet that came with the CD, it said he did the score for a movie called Ocean’s Eleven.”

“Oh. Well, look, do you have any ideas about how you wanna go about this thing? Maybe sneak into the girl’s locker room and get caught?”

“No, that won’t work. The faculty will just chalk it up to biological curiosity. People actually sign waivers that allow members of the opposite sex to observe them.”

“You mean to tell me that there is a written agreement of ‘You-show-me-yours-and-I-show-you-mine’ in this school?”

“That’s what I mean to tell you.”

“Dude, you have to get the heck out of here.”

East Coast Wizards buzzed with tabletop roleplaying’s unique subculture, even during the mornings, especially during school breaks. Michelle strolled into the store, looking to replace the dice that was stolen from her a couple of days ago, and saw one of the least popular members of the unique subculture sitting at the table, chewing out one of her friends.

This waste of life would be a player that went by the name of Michael Hannigan. He was sarcastic, cruel, and worst of all, he was really good. On this morning, he was challenging her friend, whom everyone called Dropkick Murphy, to a fight. And from all the yelling and screaming, Michelle could tell that it was over.

“Yeah! Yeah!” boasted Hannigan, “You get out of my sight! Did you really think you could stop me? No! You can’t stop me! You know why?”

“Shut up, Mike!” shouted back Murphy, “That game was crap and you know it, you lamer!”

“Dave, was that game crap?”

Dave, the GM, who was exhausted from all the arguing and from Hannigan’s diarreha of the mouth, just shook his head and said, “Whatever, man…”

“Yeah, game over, I won. Out of my sight, lamer.”

Enough. Michelle walked over to the table. “You know,” said Murphy, his short fuse just about burned out, “I should knock you on the ground right…” Michelle interrupted him by placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Is there a problem?” she asked, extinguishing the flame.

Dropkick Murphy and Dave the GM looked at Michelle in awe. Hannigan looked too, but only out of curiosity. “No,” said Murphy, “No problem at all.” He got up out of his seat, calmly, and looked at Michelle. “You got ‘im?” he asked.

Michelle smiled and said “I got ‘im.”

Murphy nodded and said “Get ‘im.” He moved over to the side and let Michelle go to Hannigan’s table.

“What’s this?” asked Hannigan, “Now you wanna play? Shouldn’t you be shopping for makeup with mommy right now?”

Wonderful, thought Michelle, He’s misogynic.

“Tell you what,” said Hannigan, “I’m going to place, on the line, two backstage passes to tomorrow night’s Venus concert. I know you want ‘em. Everybody does. So come on, spanky, let’s see what you got. Maybe you can take your Mommy tomorrow for a girl’s night out!”

Michelle wasn’t even going to bring up the fact that her mommy was on some Mexican island with a funny name, never to return. She was going to let her dice do the talking instead.

Well, not all the talking. Michelle nodded to accept the bet, cleared her throat, and prompted Hannigan to look behind him. He did so, and saw a picture of Michelle there. Under the picture was a caption: 2002 EAGLELAND ROLE PLAYERS ASSOCIATION GRAND CHAMPION: MICHELLE “THE IDOL” WALKER.

Hannigan looked at Michelle, suddenly humbled. Michelle shook her head and said, “For the next five minutes, I AM mommy.”

They first looked at an apartment in Fourside, more accurately described as a tenement. It was dinghy, smelling faintly of cat pee. Poo seemed slightly interested, but Paula managed to drag him away after the superintendent acted like a jerk.

As they left the apartment building, they saw a staircase leading to nowhere. On this staircase sat a day laborer, eating some lunch. Poo was curious, so he walked up to him and asked what the staircase was about.

“Eh,” said the day laborer, “they’re buildin’ some kinda monorail system. In a few months or so this staircase will be connected to a platform, then we build tracks. The mayor’s got big ideas, man. I’m making a lot of money from this, more than usual.”

“Here,” said Poo. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. He placed it in the day laborer’s hand and continued, “Enjoy yourself for one day after months of hard labor.”

“Thank you, sir,” said the day laborer, as Poo walked away.

Paula’s morning crankyness had worn off long ago. As Poo walked over to her, she said, “That was really cool of you.”

“Why should I not?” asked Poo, not really expecting an answer, “What is next?”

“There’s a housing community in Threed that just finished construction, they’re taking house owners now. If money’s no object, we can take a look.”

“Sure,” said Poo.

Bingo. The idea struck him like a ton of bricks flung by Yokozuna, God bless his soul. Ness looked at Jeff and said, “There was this movie, I’ve never seen it, but there’s a classic scene that everybody parodies. It’s where this kid comes out in his underwear and starts lip-synching to a song called Old Time Rock and Roll.”

“And you think I should do that?”

“Are there any faculty events coming up?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Damn!” Ness suddenly developed a hatred of the wrestler he admired since he was five years old.

He would soon have another person to develop a hatred for, though, because at the exact moment that Ness’ idea bombed, there came one Joan Snidely, the head disciplinarian of Snow Wood Boarding School. She stopped in front of Ness, looked him square in the eyes, and with a gentle yet condescending tone, said, “Young man, where is your uniform?”

Ness looked at Snidely, whose dark red hair was starting to gray. She was about his height, yet her presence made her tower over him. Ness stammered, unable to explain to this woman that he was only a guest.

Thank God for Jeff. He cut in, saying, “Ms. Snidely, Ness is just a visitor here. He doesn’t have a uniform.”

“Has he signed in with Angus?”

Angus was Snow Wood’s gatekeeper. The fact that he was named Angus should’ve been hint enough that you shouldn’t be looking forward to a visit with him. But what bothered Jeff the most was, “Why would you want, sorry, need to sign in with him?”

“It’s a new rule.”

“Since when? An hour ago? What the--?”

Jeff never finished the question because at that moment, Snidely threw him against the wall. Ness did not look the least bit shocked, and Jeff had to wonder why.

Snidely looked at Ness next. “You either sign in with Angus or join your friend here. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.” And with that, Snidely walked away.

Ness walked up to Jeff and helped him up. He looked at Ness and said, “That’s another reason I wanna get out of here. Snidely is sadistic. She’s insane. She’s—“

“—GIS Level 2.”

Jeff stopped and looked at Ness, his eyes showing shock, and then evil delight. Then Jeff snickered, the kind of snicker that said “leave this to me,” and walked away. Ness followed him.

During the war against Giygas, this hallowed ground was where Threed’s final battle against the zombies occurred. Well, not really a battle. All that had to be done was lay down Apple Kid’s Zombie Paper on the floor of the circus tent that most of the survivors were taking refuge in. Then the zombies invading Threed did the rest. There were technically no casualties in this battle because the zombies were already dead in the first place.

Nowadays, in a fitting tribute to this climactic battle, this hallowed ground has turned into a housing community for rich people. Many people argued that it was no way to treat historic grounds, but the developers building the community shut those people up by naming the community “Applepaper Homes.”

There was really no problem besides that. The town was getting a lot of money for this community, as well as notoriety. According to the real estate agent, The Runaway Five was moving in tomorrow. Venus was moving in today. He even said that Steven Spielberg was considering buying a house here, and Paula couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if Spielberg found out about the adventure she went on.

It was a plesant wonder indeed.

While Paula pictured Hilary Duff as a young psychic who stole the heart of a boy in a red cap, Poo was scouting his possible new home. It was grand. It was spacious. It was safe. It was finished.

He hated it.

“Well,” said Poo, “I will defenitley get back to you on this house. It is very nice.”

“I’m happy you like it. Don’t wait too long. Jerry Bruckheimer is thinking about this house, too.”

While Paula silently wondered what that movie would look like with Jerry Bruckheimer producing it, Poo’s thoughts were a little closer to his sleeve: “Who?” he asked.

“Ha! I love guys like you! Respectful, yet so powerful, who knows who anyone else is?”

“Well…I am a prince.”

“Ah ha! Ah ha ha! That’s rich! Well, anyway, get back to me soon, OK?”

“Sure,” said Poo. He defined “soon” as “sometime after this Gerald Brookhemer person shook the real estate agent’s hand.” He and Paula left the property.

“That house was beautiful,” said Paula.

“It is not exactly what I was looking for,” said Poo.

Paula’s eyes widened. “Not what you’re looking for?”

“It is overkill,” said Poo, “I do not need to live like a prince, even if I am one to begin with.”

“OK,” said Paula, “You know, I was wandering around Onett one day, and I saw this house over on Beak Point. Are you interested in log cabins?”

“Hmm…it intrigues me. Where is Beak Point?”

“Take me to Onett and I’ll show you,” said Paula. With that, Poo and Paula teleported to Onett.

They all assembled in the cafeteria, staying close together, of course. All they knew was that Joan Snidely was finally about to get hers after pushing all others around for so long, and that Jeff Andonuts, one of Snow Wood’s finest students, was behind it. Eventually, they heard the plan. They loved it. But they found one flaw.

“If this is going to work,” said Richard Nidermayer, “somebody has to take the fall, and it’s not going to be me.”

“You’re right,” said Jeff, “It’ll be me.” Everyone looked around in confusion. Was this happening? Was Jeff Andonuts committing career suicide before he even had a career? “Look, guys,” he said, “I’ve been wanting to get out for a long time, OK? I wasn’t meant to be around…what I mean to say is, this place has broken me. I can’t handle it here. I need to get out so I can piece myself back together again. Does that make sense?” Everyone nodded, still unsure of themselves. “Good. So here’s how we’re going to indict myself. Richard, you’re going to be in your room. Out your window, you should have a perfect view of No Man’s Land. That’s where I’ll be setting up the bait, and you’ll be snapping a picture of me doing so. This picture should find its way into the hands of Snidely after she recovers. Tony, this is what I want you to do…”

They agreed to set it up in the middle of the night. The plan would go into action at four in the morning. Maxwell Labs, who had also seen an attitude change in Snidely that he was not fond of, would put the school on notice. After all, nobody wants to be unexpectedly awakened at 4 in the morning, as Ness pointed out through past experience. And just in case some goody two-shoes tattled on the group, they hatched a backup plan. It was all set. Everyone dispersed, except for Tony. He went up to Jeff.

“So,” said Tony, “This is it?”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘it,’ Tone,” said Jeff, “We’re still close. We’ll still talk to each other over the phone and e-mail, and anyway, you still have to fly to and from Eagleland, so we’ll still see each other.”

“But what about when the research is done? Jeff, you’re the only guy that’s ever understood me. I don’t want you to go!”

Jeff sighed. He didn’t want Tony to feel bad. But he couldn’t stay. He had a duty to answer to. “Tony, this deal has to do with the dream I had over a year ago, and it also has to do with your kidnapping. At first it was a vacation excuse. Now it’s just…it’s fate, Tony. I couldn’t walk away even if I wanted to. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but it does.”

“Well…what if I went with you? What if we took co-credit for this?”

“It’s your call, Tony. I’d talk to my parents first, because my Dad’s losing a lot of money in this deal. I mean, he can afford to lose it, but the point is, Snow Wood doesn’t give refunds in events of expulson.”

“You’re right, I can’t afford to flunk out…what if I finish out the year and then join you? Is that all right?”

“I don’t mind,” said Jeff.

“Great!” Tony seemed elated. Further proof of this was found when he hugged Jeff. Jeff was reluctant to hug back, but he did so.

“All right,” said Jeff, breaking the embrace, “Let’s get ready to dance.”

Ness was on his way to Jeff’s room when his cell phone rang. He picked it up and said “Hello?”

“Hey,” said Michelle, dragging out that last “y” like she was Fonzie.

“What’s up, Michelle?”

“Not much. I just stopped by your house, but obviously you’re not there.”

“I’m helping Jeff get out of school. He wants to go public.”

“Ah…well, I dropped by because I went to war with this macho player, and I got his two backstage passes to the Venus concert tomorrow at Topolla to show for it. You down?”

“Hell yeah,” said Ness. Being good friends with the Runaway Five, he could’ve gotten those passes for nothing. But Michelle felt proud. He wasn’t about to ruin it for her.

“Great, I’ll just get…oh, no!”

“What’s the matter?”

“We only have two backstage passes! You know how my dad feels about me and you alone.”

Ness sighed. “Well, it would be bad news,” said Ness, “except that I actually helped bail out the Runaway Five a couple of times. You know them?”

“Yeah, you told me about that! They got Venus started, right?”

“Right. They’re good friends. I can get a couple of extra passes.”

“Oh, AWESOME,” said Michelle, “You are SO the man.”

“Well,” said Ness, with a nervous chuckle, “you are so the girl.”

“Heh.”

“Sorry, couldn’t resist. So I’ll have a chat with them whenever’s good, all right?”

“You are so awesome. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

“Bye.” Ness hung up.

Michelle hung up the phone and waved to Paula and Poo, spotting them near Down Home Burgers. She walked over and said hello.

“Hey,” said Paula, “Michelle, this is Poo. Poo, this is Michelle. She’s my best friend and Ness’s girlfriend.”

“It is an honor,” said Poo, bowing to her.

“Nice to meet you, too,” said Michelle, “What’s up?”

“House hunting,” said Paula, “Poo needs a place to live.”

“Cool,” said Michelle, “Can I tag along?”

“Sure,” said Paula.

Michelle told Paula and Poo all about her triumph over Michael Hannigan during the walk to Beak Point, and they loved every second of the story, even if they had trouble understanding the physics of tabletop roleplay battles.

“That’s awesome,” said Paula, “Good for you!”

“Yes,” said Poo, “I am very impressed myself. You do this often?”

“Yeah,” said Michelle, “I love the idea of becoming other people.” Poo held back a wide grin. “So, I get to go to see the Venus concert. I won two backstage passes, and Ness is going to get two more.”

“From Lucky, I bet,” said Paula, “So you’re still not comfortable with going on your own?”

“No,” said Michelle, “Not yet, anyway.”

“Well,” said Poo, “How does he feel about it?”

“He doesn’t. I keep telling him that it has to do with my Dad not being comfortable.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” observed Paula, “You can’t expect Ness to buy that for much longer, OK? I mean, your Dad doesn’t care if you set the house on fire. Why would he give a damn about what happens between you and Ness?”

“I know. I feel bad, but what am I going to tell him? ‘I’m just not ready to be alone with you?’ I mean, if that’s the case, what are we doing together?”

Paula bit her lip. Right now, she could play on Michelle’s insecurity and drive her away from Ness, which left him hers for the hitting on. But on the other hand, Ness really seemed to feel something for Michelle, and if he found out, then he would never forgive her. Michelle was a good friend, too, and Paula didn’t want to do that to her.

So instead, she asked, “Well, do you care about him?”

“…yeah,” said Michelle, “I do care about him. Very much.”

“Then that’s all you need,” said Paula, matter-of-factly. “Here we are,” she added as they approached the cabin on Beak Point.

The cabin was solid looking, warm and inviting. Outside, a real estate agent stood at his post. Poo’s expression didn’t change, but Paula and Michelle were elated. “Wow!” said Michelle, “Poo, this is beautiful!”

“We shall see.”

The three approached the real estate agent. Michelle and Paula beamed while Poo kept a straight face. “Well,” said the real estate agent, “I see you’re interested in this house.”

“We are just looking,” said Poo.

“Well, you’re looking at a very finely-built house. It’s only 7500 dollars, so it’s a steal. Come on, you can get this house, right now, never pay interest, rent, whatever. It’s yours.”

“Hmm,” said Poo, “Let me look inside.”

“Well,” said the real estate agent, “There’s a little problem with the locks. There was a break in, you know? So we had to change the locks, but don’t worry, the locksmith should be coming with a key any day now, and boy, if you think the outside looks good, the inside will have you singing—“

“WHAT THE HECK?”

Upon hearing Michelle’s exclamation, Poo hurried to her location.

It seemed that Paula and Michelle wandered around the back of the house and found, to their surprise and dismay, that it was relatively easy to get into. All you had to do was walk through the area where the back wall of the house was supposed to be.

“OK,” said the real estate agent, catching up, “It’s a bit of a fixer upper. But—“
“It’s fine,” said Poo, “I will take it. Is cash acceptable?”

“Er…yeah…you’re not a cop, are you? Because if you are—”

“I am fully aware of this country’s stance on entrapment and can assure you that I am not a cop.”

“OK, then.” Michelle and Paula watched, in horror, as Poo handed over seventy-five hundred American dollars to the real estate agent—natch, con artist. Then he scurried off, leaving Poo to enjoy home sweet home with the two of them.

“Poo,” said Paula, “Why did you do that?”

“For two reasons,” said Poo, “One, an old Dalaamese proverb which says, ‘The bird will not stop hunting until a worm shows itself.’ If I did not buy it, another man would have, and perhaps he may have suffered more. Two, I have been looking for a house that I can fix up to retain my strength and to remind me of what is truly important, besides material items. This is a perfect opportunity to do just that.”

Paula’s jaw dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me you were looking for a fixer-upper?”

“I am at fault for that, and I apologize. Now, I will rebuild this house and make it a beautiful place to live, through hard work, and a little skill.”

Paula could only stare. Meanwhile, Michelle turned to Paula and asked, “Are you having a feeling that you’re trapped in a bad anime?”

“I don’t know,” said Paula, not breaking her blank stare, “I haven’t seen enough of it to know what’s bad.”

“OK, let me rephrase, then. Are you having a feeling that you’re trapped in an episode of the American Dragonball Z?”

“Yeah, except I didn’t just wait nine hours for something to happen – oh, wait, I did.”

“Good, so I’m not alone.”

The schematic is relativley simple, child’s play for a Snow Wood student. You take a platform, walls on its shorter sides, and you suspend it above the door. Then, you drape half a blanket over the platform, attaching the edge of the blanket to the platform. Then you take balloons filled with marbles and pile them on top of the platform. Then you take the edge of the blanket that drapes over the edge of the platform, and attach it securely to the top of the door frame.

The other kids involved with the plan set that up while Jeff repaired the Suporma that Orange Kid had given them as a type of “Thank You” for a two hundred dollar donation. Ness had donated to both on his adventure, knowing that both of them would eventually pay off.

Jeff sneaked out through the window, fixed Suporma in hand. He planted it in front of the door. “Everyone ready?”

“Yes sir,” said Jay Wright, one of the students that toiled endlessly to get the marbles into approximatley one hundred balloons.

“Everyone out of my way,” said Jeff, quietly. The students quickly moved away from Jeff. Richard gave a signal to Jeff that nobody was in his shot, and he was going to take his picture. Jeff made like he didn’t notice, and then got another signal from Richard. The picture was finished.

Jeff turned on the Suporma and ran away. “Ode to Orange Kid” started blasting, loudly. Max had made sure that nobody, not even fellow teachers, went to investigate. The only one that wouldn’t be in on the joke would be Snidely. A hard task, it seems, yet actually easy enough, since nobody in the boarding school liked Joan Snidely.

She had awakened, furious, by now, and was off to check on that awful singing. She marched her way toward the main door and opened it.

The physics behind this prank was that when the door opened, it would pull the blanket with it, pushing the marble-filled balloons off the platform and onto the victim’s head. That’s exactly what happened. Snidely fell down, hurt and unconscious.

Ness, dressed in a mask, ran over to Snidely and pulled open her eyelids. He ran back to Jeff. “It worked,” he said, “Snidely has lost Giygas’s influence.”

“You better get out of here,” said Jeff.

“Roger. I’ll see you later.” Ness teleported away to Onett.

The next morning, Ness was able to sleep soundly. Maybe it was the lack of tension. Maybe he was just too exhausted from his insomnia the previous night. Either way, it ceased to be an issue when the phone woke him up. He picked it up. “Good morning,” he said, brighter than usual for this hour, “Franklin residence.”

“Ness,” said Michelle, “Get to Beak Point. You’re not going to believe this.”

Ness ran over to Beak Point as fast as he could. When he got there, he found Paula and Michelle standing outside, a look of disappointment and confusion on their faces. He went up to the girls and asked “What happened?”

“Poo bought a house,” said Paula

“…That’s great. What’s the problem?”

“Go inside.”

Ness opened the door. “I don’t see what could be sOH MY GOD.” Now he had the same look of shock on his face that the girls had.

“See what I’m saying?” asked Michelle.

“Did they drug Poo into taking this house or something?”

“I don’t know,” said Michelle. There was silence as the three of them walked around a house that was better suited for Paper Street than for Beak Point. Eventually, Michelle turned to Ness and asked, “Hey, can we talk for a second?”

“Sure.”

Michelle pulled Ness over to the side. “Listen, did you get the other two backstage passes yet?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Good, don’t. Look, I…I wanna go with you. Just you.”

“You mean, alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Uh…what about your dad?”

Michelle looked down, took a deep breath. “Well…the thing is, my dad couldn't care less about anything I do. I haven’t been going with you because…I guess, I was kind of scared.”

“Oh, hey, I understand that.”

Michelle brightened after she heard of that. Thank God.

“So,” asked Ness, “Our real first date?”

“Yeah. Could you imagine a better thing to do than a Venus concert?”

“No,” he said, “this is perfect.”

Michelle giggled. Ness giggled back. Paula just observed, pretending that she wasn’t. Only in movies did things come together like this. Only in movies would she have to choose between two things and not be able to have both. There was one difference between real life and the movies right now: unlike the movies, she couldn’t find a clever way to have everything she wanted.

She had heard the line “Don’t let them see you cry” so many times, yet she never quite understood what it meant until now.