Earthbound: Simple Gifts





Colin grimaced as he realized that they were surrounded by cultists. Hundreds of them. Cultists. No, scratch that. The blue KKK. "Y'know. . .this could end really badly for us, right?"
    "Sorry, I'm fresh outta ideas." Ness said.
    "Same here." Colin replied. "We could whip out our weapons and cut a swath through, which would announce our arrival, or, we could see if we could sneak through."
    "Y'know, Paula's kinda cute." Ness said.
    Colin looked at his partner. "Well, that was random."
    "So? It's true." Ness said.
    "Never said it wasn't." Colin replied. "Now, c'mon, focus."
    "Okay, okay." Ness said. "Lemme think. . ." Ness' face bloomed into a smile. "You think we could get ahold of a couple of those robes?"
    "Now you're thinking." Colin said. "I saw two outside. Follow my lead."
    Colin exited the door and saw that two cultists were looking at them. Ness joined Colin outside, and looked at the two blue-clad extremists.
    "I'm not so sure if this is a good idea anymore. . ." Ness said.
    "Don't worry, don't worry." Colin said. "Just sit back and watch the fireworks."
    Colin cracked his knuckles and slipped his gloves on. "I've got a question for you two."
    They looked at him in a quizzical manner.
    "Ever play Chrono Trigger?"
    The cultists look at eachother. "No."
    Colin looked back at Ness. "Letterman's."
    From his backpack, Ness pulled Colin's letterman's jacket. Colin took it and draped it over his shoulder. "Alright, boys. . .you wanna take me on?"
    The cultists pulled out two paintbrushes.
    "Alright. . .you can take me on. . ."
    Ness looked at Colin in disbelief.
    "If you're prepared for the void!"
    Colin made a series of arm movements, then pointed at the cultists. A huge mass of dark matter emerged over the cultists, doing plenty more damage than Ness could do with his potent Psi Hammer.
    The two cultists dropped to the ground, their robes and hoods miraculously intact. Colin looked at Ness, pale as a ghost.
    From there, he fell to the ground. Ness ran over and kneeled by him.
    "And that, my friend, is what happens when you over-extert yourself." Colin said, smiling. "You got anything that might help with you?"
    "Erm. . ." Ness dug around in his pack a little bit, and pulled out a carmel with "psi" on the wrapper. He handed it to Colin.
    "You have to be kidding." Colin said.
    Ness shook his head.
    Colin shrugged, unwrapped the carmel, and popped it into his mouth. Almost instantly, the color returned to his face. He sat up, and looked at Ness in disbelief.
    "Where did you find that thing?"
    "Dunno." Ness replied. "We picked it up along the way to Peaceful Rest Valley."
    "You mean, it was on the ground for lord knows how long?" Colin asked.
    "No, it was wrapped up. Like a present."
    Colin just shook his head in disbelief. "I swear, the things that happen here. . . anyway, let's get those robes on and get to work."
   
    "Y'know," Kent began, talking to his friend, Kelly, "It's beyond me how Casey can get almost killed, then enjoy having herself launched by Mr.B three weeks afterwards." His sentince was accented with Casey being launched off the far end of a burrito shaped air bag on Davis Lake.
    Kelly nodded. "I know what you mean, man. It's really wierd." He stopped to think a second. "Think she's taking steiroids?"
    Had Kent been drinking anything, he would have spat it out. "You don't mean Casey Crestline, of all people, do you!? Drugs and Casey simply don't go together. If you ask me, I think it has something to do with her training."
    "Training?" Kelly asked.
    "Yeah. She's got powers just like Colin and I do. Hence why she fought at Finals."
    "Ohhh, yeah." Kelly said. "I dunno. I don't have powers."
    "Oh, yes you do." Kent said. "You just gotta know how to draw it out."
    "Oh." Kelly said. "So, you said Colin's in Oregon."
    "Yup." Kent replied. "I guess it had something to do with a meteor or something."
    "Ohh. . .Now I know what you're talking about." Kelly said. "The one that made a car dissapear out of thin air?"
    "Say what?" Kent asked, suddenly suprised.
    "Yeah. It just made a car vanish. Don't know what happened to it."
    "You don't think that happened to Colin, do you?"
    "Maybe." Kelly said.
    Kent's eyes became as wide as saucers. "Do you realize how not good that is!?"
    "Umm. . .no."
    "Dude! Colin could be stuck for all we know!"
    "Oh. Well, I guess that's bad."
    "You guess that's bad!?" Kent asked. "You guess!?"
    "Yeah. That's bad." Kelly replied. "Not like you can do anything about it. You're stuck."
    Kent grumbled a reply. Kelly didn't dignify it with a response.

    "Okay, just play it cool." Colin said. "Man, this think is itchy. . ."
    "No kidding." Ness replied. They had just put on the rather well fitting robes and hoods. The only problem was that they were itchy to no end. "Well. . .they'll get us to Carpainter.
    "Yup." Colin replied. "Alright. . .let's just do it."
    Ness nodded and slipped the hood over his head. "Alright. Let's go."
    They entered the church, and looked around. There was some chattering going on, and organization seemed to be at a low.
    "Piece of cake." Colin whispered to Ness. As he said this, the leader stepped onto a podeum.
    "Happy Happyists!"
    The room became deathly quiet. An older man, toting a paintbrush loaded with blue paint led the group.
    Carpainter. The eyes of Ness and Colin got wide.
    "Let us now begin the ceremony!"
    The doors to the church burst open, two culstists carrying Paula in, an extremely obese kid about Ness' age before them.
    "Crap!" Colin muttered. "They started early. . ."
    Ness nudged Colin. "I know that fat guy. Pokey. He could be bad news."
    "Could be or is?"
    "Is."
    The two cultists tied Paula's wrists to two posts in the center of the room, a piece of blue duct tape over her mouth to keep her quiet.
    "Oh, great gods, we now send up an offering to you!"
    Pokey pulled a kinfe from a sheath and walked up to Paula, who swiftly kicked him where it counted.
    "Note to self. If ever capturing a woman, tie feet as well." Colin whispered to Ness.
    "Duly noted."
    Carpainter lifted his arms and made a show of making sure Paula was scared out of her mind. From the look in her eyes, she was pretty frightened.
    The room became dark as Carpainter's fingers glowed. Colin knew what that meant: Lighting.
    Yellow toungs of lightning leapt from Carpainter's fingers, towards Paula. Before the lightning ever hit, they were blocked by a lone cultist, who stood before her, a yellow object behind his robes absorbing the lightning.
    "Hey! What's your problem!" Pokey asked.
    "What's my problem?"
    The cultist threw his hood off, showing himself to be Colin. "My problem is that you're trying to kill this perfectly innocent young girl. As far as I'm concerned, that's grounds for castration."
    Carpainter growled. "Get him!"
    "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Ness said, taking off his hood and putting on his cap, "This man is very, very angry right now. He could blow at any minute."
    Colin knew where this was going. He had to act upon it.
    "Oh, come on," Pokey said. "What can this kid do?"
    As if on cue, Colin drew his arms in on himself. The entire room was bathed with an eerie grey light, before all light in the room dissapeared. In the center, bright grey lighning streaks began to arc over something.
    Then, a huge grey sphere erupted in the center of the room, Colin in the center. His eyes turned into a straight, bright blue color, with white pupils. His hair shot out to a foot in length, then retracted six inches. His robes, fluttering in the energy output, shredded themselves. Colin slowly lowered himself to the ground and looked at Carpainter.
    "Pfft. Simple preliminaries. Kill that man!"
    Every last cultist charged Colin. As they came, Colin dodged every last one of the three hundred cultists. In one fluid motion, they all charged Colin at the same time.
    Colin grinned. His transformation almost made it look like he had fangs. The first row decended upon him like a pack of wolves. Colin whipped out his sticks and began punching, kicking, bludgeoning, and in general causing great misfortune to anyone unlucky enough to cross his path.
    Meanwhile, Carpainter and Ness were going at it.
    Ness dodged one of Carpainter's "boom boom bang" lighting attacks and took a wild swing at him with his bat. He hit Carpainter square in the side, causing him to double over. He stood back up and threw his paint brush at Ness. It almost hit him right in the face with the butt end, but a small blast of grey energy diverted it before it could do anything to Ness.
    Ness spun around, using the tourque he had created with his spin to hit Carpainter hard in the side. Before he hit, he was knocked flat on his butt by a blast of lightning.
    He shook off the cobwebs and dodged another blast of lightning. "Colin! Badge!"
    From the center of the cultists, Colin managed to pull the Franklin badge off his chest and throw it at Ness. Ness plucked it from the air and put it on his shirt just as a bolt of lighting went to strike him.
    The lighting reflected off the Franklin Badge and hit Carpainter square in the chest, knocking him down. Carpainter got back up and pulled another paint brush from his jacket. He rushed Ness and nailed him with it, dazing him for a second. Carpainter looked over and saw every last cultists had piled on top of Colin, leaving an open shot at Paula.
    He took it.
    Carpainter charged a shot. The lights in the room went completely dark, then the entirety of Happy Happy village.
    Later, Ness would hear about rolling blackouts as far as Fourside at about the time Carpainter charged his blast.
    Carpainter let the shot fly towards Paula.
    She looked at the blast with wide eyes, and tried with a renewed effort to free herself, but only succeeded in chafing her wrists against the harsh hemp rope.
    Then, something caught her eye. Ness was moving.
    Ness plucked the Franklin Badge from his shirt and threw it in Paula's general direction.
    The blast hit the badge and reflected it back at Carpainter.
    Carpainter was too shocked to move. The blast hit him dead on, knocking him off the platform he was on and into the wall.
    "Ugh. . .what. . .what happened?"
    The Happy Happyists got off Colin, whom was still seething mad, and was still in his beta form.
    "That's a good question, Mr. Carpainter." Ness said.
    "Well. . .I remember getting that Mani Mani statue from Mr. Agerate, then I started doing pecular things. . .but. . .I feel fine now.
    Ness looked behind him, where Colin was releasing Paula, and a stack of robes was piling up. Only three happy happyists remained.
    "It seems that statue has some interesting influences over people."
    "So it would." Colin said, reverting to his normal form. Paula stood behind him, massaging her wrists. "It would seem that it's got enough power to cause perfectly rational people to become murderers. You almost became one yourself."
    Carpainter looked at Colin in disbelief. "I. . .I can't believe I almost killed her. I'm so sorry."
    "It's okay. You weren't yourself." Paula replied. "Just don't let it happen again."
    "Trust me, I won't." He replied. "Ness, Colin, you two are truly amazing. I thank you for saving this forsaken village."
    "All in the job description." Colin said. "We should probably get Paula home."
    "Yes. Do that." Carpainter replied.
    Ness lead Paula out the door, followed then by Paula. Ness almost ran square into Pokey.
    "Ness! I just woke up from the wierdest dream. . .I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you. Can we please be friends again?"
    "I. . .suppose. . ." Ness said. Pokey smiled, turned around, and began walking away. He spun around again. "Ha! I was just joking, Sucker!"
    With that, Pokey ran off.
    "That was. . .err. . .random."

    "Ness. . .I think this qualifies as more random than anything I've seen in my life."
    Before them stood a pencil shaped iron statue. On the top of it was a shoe print of Colin's shoe, and on the side was one of Ness' shoeprints.
    Apparently, they'd somehow passed it on their blitzkreig their first time through.
    "So do I. How do we get past this thing?"
    "Allow me."
    A red headed kid, a little overweight, walked up to the statue, attached a machine to it, and flipped a button on it. Almost like magic, the statue faded out of existance.
    "Thanks." Ness said, walking over to the kid. "You are. . ."
    "Apple Kid, inventor." He said. "That was my pencil eraser. Feel free to have it."
    "Umm. . .okay." Ness said, and took the odd looking machine. "Thanks."
    "Don't mention it."
    "Don't worry. . .I won't." Ness said.
    "Well. . .nice to meet you. I have a feeling we'll meet again sometime."
    Ness nodded. "Thanks."
    With that, Apple Kid turned around and walked back into Twoson.
   
    Ness walked into the Polestar household, Paula and Colin in tow.
    "Mom, Dad, I'm home!"
    The entire house, preschoolers and all, immideately came out to the front room to see Paula. Her father and mother nearly smothered her with hugs and kisses, while the preschoolers tried to ask her questions.
    The one preschooler that asked Colin if he was going to rescue Paula walked up to him. She smiled a truly heartfelt smile, and went up and hugged Colin's legs.
    Colin smiled and turned a bright shade of red. He looked down at the preschooler, squatted, rustled her hair, and gave her a hug back.
    "I told you I'd bring her back."
    The little girl smiled and walked up to Paula.
    Colin stood back up. "Hey, Paula."
    She turned to face him. "Yeah?"
    It was amazing. She ignored everyone around her and it didn't even faze her. Maybe if he ignored the press they'd ignore him. . .
    "Why don't you take a shower or a bath or something. I'd like to relax here for today, and we'll head back and do what we have to do at Happy Happy Village tomorrow. Is that okay with you, Mr. Polestar?"
    The man looked at Colin. "Of course it is. You saved my daughter. I owe you so much."
    "Aww," Colin said, blushing again, "Don't mention it. . ."
    "By the way, you can call me Kent." Mr. Polestar said.
    "Wait. . .your name's Kent?"
    "Yeah." He replied.
    "My cousin's name is Kent, too."
    "Cool. It's not a very common name, nowadays."
    "Nope."
    "Okay!" Paula said, merrily. "I'm gonna go take a bath."
    "Nice, hot bubble bath." Colin said. "Trust me. . .you ain't gonna have one for a while."
    The entire household looked at Colin.
    "Erm. . .suprise?"

    Kent sighed and stretched out on his bunk. Band camp was so exhausting, especially after that CTF incident. He didn't wanna do something like that again in his life. Kelly was on the bunk next to his, and across the room was Kent's friend Adam.
    They had a very small number of people to worry about.
    "Y'know, I'm a little worried about Colin." Kent said.
    "You shouldn't be." Adam said. "He can take care of himself."
    "Well, I know I can. What I'm worried about is that he's gonna find another girl and hurt Casey, or worse - stay wherever it is he's at."
    "He's not that kinda guy." Adam replied.
    "I swear, I've said this stuff before." Kent said, sitting up."It doesn't make me feel any better, though. I hope he can take care of himself 'till I get back."
    "He will." Adam said, before there was a very odd knocking on the door.
    "Must be room check." Kent said, jumping off his bed to get the door.
    He opened the door and a most odd creature leapt through the door and onto Kent's chest, knocking him down.
    "Boooing! Are you Kent Hartmann? Zoooooom!" It asked.
    "Umm. . .err. . .yeah!" Kent said, suddenly feeling very. . .odd. What he was talking to was essentially a head on feet with a giant nose and whiskers. Adorning its head was a lone hair with a red bow tied in it. "What. . .are you?"
    "I are Mr. Saturn! Zooooooom!"
    "Mr. Saturn?" Kelly and Adam asked in perfect unison.
    Kent grabbed the Mr. Saturn, set it on his bed so he could actually look it in the eye, and sighed. "Okay. . .why are you here?"
    "I are here to bring Kent Hartmann to Saturn Valley! Boing!"
    "But. . .why?" Kent asked.
    "'Cause Colin's in trouble! Zooooom!"
    "What kind of trouble?" Kent asked, now ready to take over at a moment's notice.
    "Colin is about to being posessed! Booooing! He kill one of chosen four! Zoooom!"
    Kent looked at Adam, then at Kelly. He put his intensity on. "Kelly, Adam, I'm gonna give you guys a choice. You can come with me and help, or you can stay here and do nothing to help your friend."
    Kent's friends looked at him.
    "And I'll get you both excused absences."
    "I'm there." Adam said, crawling out of his sleeping bag.
    "Kelly?" Kent asked.
    "No way." Kelly replied. "I shouldn't go, and neither should you or Adam."
    "Fine, then, mother." Kent said. "I'll tell 'ya what. You wanna stop us - stop us."
    With that, Kent packed all his stuff into his bag, put Mr. Saturn on his head, and led Adam out of the cabin.
    Kelly sat there for a second. "Hey! Wait up!"