The Starmen.net Complaint Line
by Jeff's Radio
During a Starmen.net staff meeting, SimonBob suggested starting up a telephone line where members of Starmen.net could call in and complain about the website. Everyone agreed, for reasons unknown. Here are the results from one member's experience with the new Starmen.net complaint line. They pretty much give the whole story (only the name of the caller has been changed)...
I, SuperLamer, decided to try the new Starmen.net complaint line, given that other methods of vicing my disgust for the things that go on at that website, so I dialed the toll-free telephone number, and here's what I got:
(recorded voice): "Thank you for calling the Starmen.net Complaint Line. I'm PappyCat, and I'll be leading you through the selection process. To complain about the site's layout, press 1. To complain about the forums, press 2. To complain about something that someone submitted that you think is absolute garbage but which the site posted anyway, press 3. To complain about one of the staffers, press 4. To complain about IRC channel #earthbound, press 5. To get the home phone number of reidman or Tomato so you can call and annoy them personally, press 6. If you're short on cash and want to ask Giovanni for some from his personal stash, press 7. Make your selection now."
As appealing as option number 7 was, I hit 6.
(recorded voice): "To get reidman's home phone number, press 1. To get Tomato's home phone number, press 2."
Hmm. 1 sounds good...
(recorded voice) "You must be insane. If you think that we're going to give out reidman's home phone number, or Tomato's, please hang up and direct yourself to Tomato's 'NO' page now. Otherwise, hit 1 to go back to the main menu."
I hit 1. After
the main menu repeated itself, I pressed 4.
(recorded voice): "To complain about a site staffer, press 1. To complain
about a forum moderator, press 2. To complain about an operator in cahnnel
earthbound on IRC, press 3."
I hit 1.
(recorded voice): "Thank you for calling. A representative will be with
you in 3 hours, 56 minutes, 23 seconds. While you're waiting for one of
our representatives to get on the line, we'd like you to know that we probably
will ot take your complaint seriously. In fact, we just record them, turn
them into MP3s, and send them around to other staff menbers so we can chat
about them and laugh at them in our secret caht rooms and forums...."
I waited and waited for someone to pick up, but I kept getting more messages
like this:
(recorded voice): "Thank you for holding. A representative will be with
you in 2 hours 49 minutes, 37 seconds. While you're waiting, please realize
just how stupid your complaint is and how much you would be ridiculed if
you mad ethis complaint online. We only set this up for our own amusement.
And while you're here, please take a look at our new Starmen.net mugs! Only
$9.95 if you order right now on the phone. If you want to order one, please
press 0 now..."
I didn't press 0. Instead, I stayed on the line. Then another message:
(recorded voice): "Thank you for holding. A representative will be with
you in 1 hour, 3 minutes, 18 seconds. You must have a lot of time on your
hands to be holding this long. Maybe you could better spend it by actually
submitting something or donating more cash to the site instead of just complaining
about it all the time. Yeah, we know you. You just like to complain all
the time. If you actually submitted, you might find that you'll enjoy the
site more than if you just compain about it. Start with thinking about EarthBound
instead of your petty little complaint and you'll be on your way to making
an excelllent submission. If you just want to complain like the lazy bum
that you are, please continue to stay on the line...."
And then, finally, someone picked up:
"Hello, Starmen.net Complaint Line. State your name, please."
"SuperLamer."
"Okay, and which staff member do you have a complaint about?"
"Uhh....I forget. All tha time waiting made me forget what I coalled about
in the first place."
"Well then, have a good day, and don't forget to submit and/or donate to
Starmen.net! We don't want any moochers, after all. Good bye."
"Wait..."
*click*
This was one account of what happened when people called the complaint
line, and it's representative of the many that have called the line. As
you can see, it's for entertainment purposes...for the staffers! The moral
of this story: submit, donate, and take your complaints elsewhere, 'cause
they're only entertained by them!