Jeff's Vacation - Segment I

[Author's notes: As the title suggests, this is the first segment of a script for a radio drama using the characters and world of EarthBound. As such, I have written this in a way that it can actually be performed. Once it is finished, I will upload the completed script, which will replace this one since this only has the first segment. If you're interested in helping to turn this into an actual production, go ahead and email me. Also, until such a production is put together, I will use fake names and locations in the cast list and credits. The fake names and locations will be enclosed in brackets, just like these notes are.]

EarthBound: The Radio Show

By: Dave Vollenweider

Episode 1: Jeff's Vacation

Cast (in order of vocal appearance):

Announcer:  	[Gene Anderson]		Ness's Mom:	[Anna Kinderstone]

Jeff:		[James Wood]		Frank:		[zach Gevaldi]

Tony:         	[Tom Billing]		Chief Strong:	[Paul Rolland]

Ness:	     	[Hank Jaggins]		Police Officer:	[Vern Sethrule]

Paula:          [Marie Conning]		Mayor B.H. Pirkle: [George Kingston]

Poo:		[Bill Westerland]	Dr. Andonuts:	[David Steinwelch]

ANNOUNCER: From the studios of [KBHA in Batlett], prepare to be EarthBound! (THEME MUSIC PLAYS AND ENDS, THEN): ANNOUNCER (OVER GAME SELECTION SCREEN MUSIC): Starring [James Wood], [Hank Jaggins], [Marie Conning], and [Bill Westerland]. Story and script by Dave Vollenweider. Based on the story and video game by Shigesato Itoi. Produced by [Tony Howard]. Sponsored by Mach Pizza. "The best pizza is Mach Pizza." (MUSIC UP AND OUT) ANNOUNCER: It's been a year since our four heroes defeated the universal cosmic destroyer known as Giygas. Everyone is back to where they were after their work saving the world was done. Ness is back at his house, Paula is taking care of those delightful kids at the Polestar Preschool, Jeff is still with his father, Dr. Andonuts, in Saturn Valley, and Poo is back in Daalam ruling over his people. But Jeff has decided that he needs a break because he's learned so much from his father, and he misses his old friends. Taking his father's Phase Distorter, he makes his first visit--- JEFF: My dad said I could take a week off, and I really missed my friends. The first stop I made was to the Snow Wood Boarding School where Tony, my old roommate, couldn't wait to see me--- (WIND blows through the next segment. PHASE DISTORTER whirrs and dies down) TONY: Huh? (FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW) Jeff! Pal! You came to see me! JEFF: Yes. Here I am Tony. TONY: I'm so happy! But why haven't you called or anything in a year? I've been waiting to at least hear your voice if I couldn't see you in person. I know that your work with Dr. Andonuts is important, but--- JEFF: That's what I want to talk to you about, Tony. The truth of the matter is that while I consider you a good friend, there are just some things that you do that, well--- annoy me. TONY: Like what? JEFF: Well, for one thing, you're constantly wanting my attention. I know you like me a lot and all, but it really gets on my nerves and I'd appreciated it if you'd stop acting like I'm your whole life. TONY: But what's wrong with a friend that wants to spend his whole life with you? JEFF: It's obsessive for one. It's annoying for another. It's a big reason why I'm still with my dad instead of being back here. TONY: Well--- I never knew that you felt that way about me. JEFF: Look, I don't mean to be so hard on you, Tony. But the fact is you cling too much to me. Sometimes I get the idea that you want to be more than just friends. I can't do that. I still want to be your friend, but please don't spend so much of your time worrying about me. There are plenty of other guys who'd want to be friends with you. TONY: Well, I guess you're right. I'll try not to smother you from now on. JEFF: Good. That's all I want. Now, let's go inside out of the cold. (FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW AWAY) I want to know everything that's happened since I've left. TONY: Well, there's so much to tell you--- (FADES AS HE STARTS DESCRIBING WHAT HAPPENED) JEFF: (BRIDGE) Tony told me just about everything that happened here, but I was only half listening. I had other people on my mind, like Ness, Paula, and Poo. We went to Maxwell's lab after eating cookies in my old room. No one was there, (TELEPHONE RING) but someone knew where I was, because the phone wasn't for Maxwell--- JEFF: (PICKS UP PHONE) Hello? NESS: (ON PHONE) Jeff! I was hoping I'd get a hold of you. JEFF: How did you know where I was? NESS: (ON PHONE) I called Dr. Andonuts in Saturn Valley. He told me that you were taking a week off and that you were visiting old friends. And since you hadn't stopped by my place yet, I figured you were back at the Snow Wood Boarding School. He gave me Maxwell's number and I called. I took the chance that you'd be here, or at least if you wern't in the lab, that Maxwell would answer and get you. JEFF: Oh! Well, I'm here. What is it, Ness? NESS: (ON PHONE) Well, I was thinking that it's been a year since we beat Giygas, and I thought that it'd be fun for all of us to get together to celebrate the one-year anniversary of our victory, the last time that we were together as friends. Paula and Poo are already over here. You want us to come get you? JEFF: Sure. I was planning to see you all on my own, but if we could all be together again, that'd be great! NESS: (ON PHONE) Excellent! We'll teleport there in a few minutes. See you soon! JEFF: Okay. Tony and I will be waiting outside. (HANGS UP PHONE) Well Tony, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut this short. TONY: It's okay. You want to see your other friends again. Still, I wish you could stay longer. I've really missed you, Jeff. JEFF: I know you have, Tony. Let's go outside. (BRIDGE) TONY: (WIND BLOWING) Where are they? JEFF: Don't worry. They'll be here soon. (LOUD BOOM) NESS: Wow. Teleporting is just something you never get used to. PAULA: I'd agree. POO: You two just haven't done it enough. It's nothing to me. JEFF: Hi everybody! PAULA: Hey Jeff! Good to see you again! POO: Yeah. I thought you invented something that made you transport to another world or something. Or that you used the Phase Distorter to go to a futuristic era. JEFF: Really funny, Poo. NESS: Yep, some things never change. How are ya, Jeff? JEFF: Pretty good, I guess. Especially with the three of you here. You all remember Tony, right? PAULA: Yeah. POO: Sure. NESS: Yeah. I remember when you were trapped in that glass container in the Stonehenge Base. Glad to see you're all right. That must have been frightening for you. TONY: Yeah, it was. But thanks to you four, I'm still here and I got to see Jeff again. JEFF: Tony, what did we just talk about earlier? TONY: Oh yeah. Sorry. Well, in any case, I'm still glad that we got to see each other again. PAULA: What did you two talk about? JEFF: Oh, it's between the two of us. It's settled now. Are you three ready to go? NESS, PAULA, & POO: (IN UNISON) Yes. JEFF: Okay then. Tony, it was nice seeing you again. If I have time before my week's up, I'll come back and see you again. TONY: Okay. I'll be looking forward to it. Have fun, you four! NESS: We will! Ready? JEFF, PAULA, & POO: Yeah! NESS: Then let's go! (PSYCHIC WHIRR, THEN BOOM. WIND FADES) JEFF: (BRIDGE) We teleported to Ness's house in Onett. It was a warm feeling, being with the other three that had also gotten rid of Giygas. It was like being in the presence of close friends. Heck, it was being in the presence of close friends. Other than Tony and maybe Maxwell, these were the only friends I had. I grew close to them on our journey. And I told them things that I would've never told anyone else. And here we were, together again--- (BOOM. BIRDS CHIRPING, OTHER NATURE SOUNDS) NESS: Welcome back to my house! PAULA: Wow, Ness. Not much has changed. POO: Yes. It looks exactly the same since we were here last year. I hope the food's a little different. NESS: Well, Poo, my mom's been trying, but you know her. She likes to cook for us Westerners who live in the house all the time. JEFF: I've never minded your mother's cooking. It was a nice change from what we got at the boarding school. NESS: In that case, what are we waiting for? Come on in! (DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS ACROSS RUG, STEP. DOOR CLOSES) NESS: Mom! We're here! PAULA: I found a note. NESS: Whose it from? (PAPAER CRINKLES) PAULA: Your mom. It reads: "Dear Ness: Went grocery shopping. Feel free to cook some steak on the barbeque grill for yourself and your friends. They're also free to stay for however long they want. Have fun! Love, Mama." NESS: She's been trying to get me to be more independent lately, but she can't resist cooking. She loves it so much. Do you want to have the steak now, or have her cook it later? PAULA: Now. JEFF: Later. POO: Never. NESS: Well, since this is a tie, I'll break it: later. Now, let's go to my room. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) JEFF: (BRIDGE) We went up to Ness's room where we talked about our lives after our journey. Paula was back at her house taking care of the kids at the preschool that she and her parents run. Poo's life hadn't changed much either: more ruling and kisses from girls. I can't help but be at least a little jealous of him sometimes. But it was Ness that had the most interesting story--- PAULA: How terrible! Why would they do such a thing? NESS: I don't know. All I know is that the Onett police are acting a little strange, kind of like they did after the meteorite hit last year. Except that instead of taking it out on the Sharks, they've chosen to take it out on me and my family. JEFF: What about the other citizens of Onett? NESS: The police just seem to leave them alone unless they have something to say against Mayor Pirkle. Then the police follow them around until they do something that even remotely resembles breaking the law. That's when they get arrested. I haven't seen these people since. JEFF: I don't understand, though. Why would Pirkle want you out of the town? NESS: I don't know that, either. I have a hunch that it's because he's afraid I'll uncover something that he doesn't want anyone to see. Something that might get him kicked out of office. In any case, they keep following me around, even though I've said nothing against Pirkle. POO: Well, we can't just let them do this to you and the rest of Onett. I have a whole army ready to fight if you need it... NESS: No, Poo. I won't need an army. I think it would do more harm than good anyway. I want to investigat this on my own. JEFF: But Ness, they're out there watching you. How are you going to get to where you need to go and find what you need to find without having the police on your back? NESS: Well, Jeff, I was hoping you could figure that one out. You're smart. The rest of you can help, too. I was hoping that you all would once we were together again. We've done this before. Are you ready to do it again? JEFF: Well, I was hoping this would be a relaxing vacation, but since you're my friend, then yes, I'm ready to do this again. PAULA: It was kind of fun the first time, so why not? I'm in. POO: My country needs me, but I suppose I can help you out for at least part of the way. NESS: Good. I knew I could count on you three. Now, let's get to work. JEFF: We worked on a plan for hours. It didn't seem that long. It was just like when we were going after Giygas. Well, the thinking anyway. We kept on going until--- NESS'S MOM: (FROM DOWNSTAIRS) Ness! I'm home! (RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS) NESS: Hi mom. NESS'S MOM: I see you didn't cook the steak. And that your friends are here. NESS: Yeah. NESS'S MOM: Well, I'll cook the steaks then. Nice to see you all again. PAULA: Same here. JEFF: It's a pleasure. POO: It's an honor to be here. NESS'S MOM: Did you see the note? NESS: Yes, we did. NESS'S MOM: Well, then you know that your friends are welcome to stay for as long as they want. Also, help yourselves to anything in the fridge. PAULA: Thanks. We'll try not to eat too much, right? JEFF: (SIGHS) Sure. POO: That won't be a problem with me. NESS'S MOM: Well then, I'll keep on bringing in these groceries. You kids have fun! NESS, PAULA, JEFF, & POO: (IN UNISON) We will. JEFF: (BRIDGE) She brougnt in the groceries, and we got back to making our plan. We finally finished just before she called us and told us the steaks were ready. When we got done eating, we were also ready to find out what was going on--- (OUTSIDE DOOR SLAM) NESS: Okay, let's do this. JEFF: (BRIDGE CONTINUES) ---and we were off on another journey, though I was hoping this one wasn't nearly as long as the one last year. Our first stop was to a place called "Down Home Burgers" where Frank Fly works. He helped Ness out last year, and we thought that he might know something about what's going on now--- (LIGHT BACKGROUND CONVERSATION, DISHES, ORDERS, ETC.) FRANK: Ness! Long time, no see! NESS: Yeah. Well, I was busy since school's been on. I haven't had the time to see anybody until now. FRANK: And you have some friends with you? NESS: Yes. Paula, Jeff, Poo, meet Frank Fly. PAULA: Nice to meet you. JEFF: Hi. POO: Any friend of Ness's is a friend of mine. FRANK: Well, you three are quite the bunch. NESS: Paula's from Twoson, Jeff's from Winters, and Poo's from Daalam. FRANK: That explains a lot. NESS: They've come to help me with finding out why the police and the mayor are out to get me. FRANK: Figures. I've noticed a lot of people getting arrested lately. But what makes you think that they're out to get you? NESS: They keep patrolling around my house. My family is the only one living up there now that the Minchs have moved to Fourside. FRANK: So, how did you get here? PAULA: We snuck out the back. JEFF: And we did a lot of careful hiding. POO: Do you know anything about this? FRANK: Sure I do. A few weeks ago, on my way to the arcade, my old hangout, I saw a truck pull up to city hall with a box. The guys carrying it in looked pretty suspicious, like they were carrying a bomb or something. After that, it seemed like that's when the cops started arresting people who didn't do anything. NESS: So that's it? Someone brings something in and their behavior changes suddenly? JEFF: Sounds like a certain statue that we encountered last year. FRANK: Except it wasn't a statue. It was something else. Something like a box. I'm surprsied they didn't go after me, but then again I'm no longer the leader of the Sharks. I gave that up a year ago. They must be going after you Ness because they know you have the power to stop them. NESS: Yeah, that's what we figured. FRANK: I don't know how much I can help you, but I'll try. Maybe I can even get the Sharks to help you too, but I don't know. I'm sure you can handle it, though. PAULA: For Ness's sake, I hope so. NESS: Thanks for the info, Frank. I think we can figure out what's going on if we haven't already. FRANK: No problem. Now I've got to go back to work. See you later! And drop by after you're done! JEFF: We'll try. (FADE RESTAURANT AMBIANCE) JEFF: (BRIDGE) Frank gave us the information that we needed. In my mind, there was no other logical explanation: someone found the illusion device that was inside the Mani Mani statue that Ness and I destroyed last year and rebuilt it. Pirkle now had it. How he got it and how someone was able to rebuild it was still a mystery. We went back to Ness's place to discuss what we heard: PAULA: Sounds like someone's up to their old tricks. POO: Yes. We have to find out what's actually inside City Hall. NESS: I've known Pirkle to be sleasy, but never this cruel, until now. Giygas may be gone, but it looks like we have another enemy on the loose. I want to see what's going on in there, also. What about you, Jeff? JEFF: Well, if we're going to go to City Hall, we'll have to go at night. I brought my Bad Key Machine, so we'll be able to unlock the outside door. The only problem is getting past the police. PUALA: You mean those fat cops that Ness pulverized last year? JEFF: The very same. NESS: Well, then let's go after dark. We should be able to get in... NESS'S MOM: (FROM DOWNSTAIRS) Ness? Have you seen Tracy? NESS: (YELLING) No, I haven't. NESS'S MOM: Could you please check her room? NESS: (YELLING) Sure. (FOOTSTEPS DOWN A HALL, DOOR OPENS, THEN SHUTS) NESS: (YELLING) She's not there. NESS'S MOM: (FROM DOWNSTAIRS) Oh no! She should have been home an hour ago! That means the police must have got her! NESS: (YELLING) Are you sure she's not at a friend's house? (FOOTSTEPS UP STAIRS) NESS'S MOM: She'd call and tell me if she were! Oh, that Pirkle is really getting to me! NESS: Don't worry, Mom. We'll find her. We know what Pirkle's up to now. NESS'S MOM: Well, you four have done greater things than finding Tracy. I think you can handle this. Just be careful! NESS: We will. We'll find her tomorrow after we get a peek inside City Hall. Right? JEFF: Sure! POO: Of course! PAULA: Yeah! NESS'S MOM: I knew I could count on you four. Are you hungry? JEFF: No. NESS: No. PAULA: Not me. POO: Definitly not. NESS'S MOM: Okay then. I'll leave you all to plan your new adventure. JEFF: Adventure? NESS'S MOM: Well, it sounds like you four are going to have another adventure. JEFF: I hope not. This was supposed to be my vacation. I'll help out now, but I'm pretty sure that there's nothing more to this. We got rid of all the evil last year. At least, that's what I'd like to think. NESS'S MOM: In any case, you four have fun! (FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS) PAULA: She sure is relaxed for losing her daughter. POO: Makes me wonder... NESS: No, my mom wouldn't do that. JEFF: Do what? NESS: Hide Tracy somewhere and act as if she was kidnapped, I guess. Either way, we'll get to the bottom of this. JEFF: (BRIDGE) We tried to do exactly that later that night. It was time to investigate City Hall itself. Once again we snuck out the back and managed to avoid the cops, although it's not hard to do when half of them are too busy eating donuts and the other half have dozed off. Finally we reached City Hall... NESS: Jeff, you got that Bad Key Machine? JEFF: Yes I do. PAULA: Then let's get in! (LOCK NOISES, THEN DOOR OPENS) POO: We're in! NESS: Good! Now let's find that mysterious box. (FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALLWAY) NESS: Where do you think it is? JEFF: Given that they would want to keep it as secret as possible, if this place has a basement, then I think it would be down there. NESS: But it doesn't. Where else could it be? JEFF: I'm guessing either the mayor's office in a closet or something, or some other small space, like maybe the janitor's closet. NESS: Okay, then let's try the mayor's office first. (FOOTSTEPS UP STAIRS, THEN ON WOODEN FLOOR) PAULA: Wow. Except for Monotoli's office, I've never seen one that's so big! Where do we start? JEFF: The closet, just like I said earlier. (FOOTSTEPS ON FLOOR) NESS: Jeff, will you do the honors? (LOCK NOISES, THEN DOOR OPENS. ALARM SOUNDS) JEFF: Oh no! This must be a trap! NESS: No kidding, Jeff! PAULA: What are we doing to do? POO: RUN! (FAST FOOTSTEPS ON FLOOR, THEN DOWNSTAIRS) POLICE OFFICER: Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like our burlgar alarm caught us some snooping kids inside City Hall. You're all under arrest for breaking and entering and trespassing! JEFF: (BRIDGE) Well, how was I supposed to know that the box was guarded by a burglar alarm? The Onett police had finally suceeded in catching us committing a crime and arresting us. But it wasn't over yet--- [END SEGMENT I. TOTAL TIME: 16:35] ANNOUNCER: We'll be back to find out what will happen to our four heroes after this word from our sponsor: JEFF: (MUNCHES ON PIECE OF PIZZA) Friends, I've tried many brands of pizza even though I'm young. Most of them range from okay to just plain gross. And in the time it takes to get to me, I could watch a whole movie. But there's one pizza place that gives me delicious pizza in the time it would take me to make a frozen one: Mach Pizza. Their lightning-fast delivery and the best ingrediants that can go on a pizza make them the choice for me. So, the next time you crave some mouth-watering pizza and you want it fast, remember, "The best pizza is Mach Pizza." (MUNCHES ON PIECE OF PIZZA) ANNOUNCER: Order now before "EarthBound" is over and get a large pizza for just half price. They'll have it to you before the show is over, or the pizza is free! We now return to "EarthBound" on the EarthBound Radio Network-- [END MACH PIZZA SPOT. TOTAL TIME: :55]