Eb Rewrite part 30:

Game Over!

Jeff: (humming the Brinstar theme from Metroid) Doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doooo...

Exit Mouse: Hey, knock it off!

Jeff: Okay. (starts humming the Tank theme)

Exit Mouse: Boo yeah!

Paula: (poking the ground) Look, I’m poking Giygas’ brain!

Ness: What’s with the magic butterflies?

Magic Butterfly: (explodes, showering our heroes with "magic" dust)

Poo: Wow, my PP is replenished!

Ness: You go, Poo.

Exit Mouse: Holy... look at that!

Ness and Co.: (the gang walks up to a weird looking portal dealie on the side of a flat wall of brainy mass nastyness)

Ness’ Face: (appears on the portal) BWA!

Ness: WTF?

Pokey: (suddenly appears over the group and drops down in a funky spider robot thing) Hee hee, surprised, Ness?

Ness: Well, yeah, I guess.

Pokey: This is Giygas, the ultimate evil!

Paula: Looks rather Nessy.

Pokey: No, he is no longer the ultimate evil. He has become the embodiment of evil itself!

Jeff: (sounding hurt) So, you lied to us?

Pokey: He can’t control this power on his own, so that’s why I’m here!

Exit Mouse: You always did seem to have control issues.

Pokey: (points to the Ness face on the portal) You fools, its pretty silly for you to be fighting us without even knowing what Giygas looks like!

Poo: Wait, so Giygas...is Ness?

Pokey: (cackles) I’ll turn off the Devil’s Machine so you can see Giygas true form! But first, I’ll attack you for awhile to show you my power!

Jeff: (blasts Pokey with a few multi bottle rockets)

Pokey: GAH! (is horribly damaged) Fine, fine, I’ll just turn off the Devil’s Machine!

Ness and Co.: (back off a bit as the Ness’ face melts away from the portal to be replaced by the gaping maw of doom)

Ness: Wait, that’s it?

Paula: Giygas looks like trippy jam!

Jeff: Hee hee, "We’ve got doom, cleanup on aisle three!"

Poo: Even I’m amused!

Exit Mouse: I always thought physical evil would be, like, black soup or something.

Pokey: Quake with fear, pee your pants, die in the face of Giygas’ evilness!

Ness: Okay.

Paula: Eew, Ness!

Jeff: I thought we were robots, how’d you do that?

Ness: I...don’t know.

Pokey: The thing is, Giygas mind was destroyed by his own incredible power.

Exit Mouse: Ironic, isn’t it?

Pokey: What an almighty idiot! Hee hee hee! The fool doesn’t even know what he’s doing right now!

Poo: Phenomenal cosmic power...

Exit Mouse: Itty bitty consciousness!

Pokey: You losers will be just another meal to him, hee hee hee!!!

Ness and co.: WHOA! (get sucked into the portal thingy)

Pokey: (floats in after them) Hee hee hee, you’re floating in doom!

Paula: (smacks Pokey) Shut up already!

Giygas Voice: (comes floating out of nowhere) Ness...

Ness: Whoa, it’s Giygas!

Jeff: Somewhere.

Giygas Voice: NessNessNessNessNessNessNessNessNESSNESSNESSNESSNESS!!!!!

Ness: Ack! (covers his ears) What?

Giygas Voice: Nothing! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Ness: Hey, I don’t have to put up with this if you’re gonna be a jerk!

Giygas’ Voice: Oh, what? Like you’re gonna leave or something?

Ness: (hops out of the portal) Come on, Guys!

Giygas’ Voice: Crap.

Pokey: (as Paula, Jeff, Poo, and Exit Mouse follow Ness out of the portal) Hey, that’s like, cheating and stuff!

Giygas’ Voice: This is all your fault! You’ve failed me for the last time, Pokey.

Pokey: Hey, I thought you were like, brainless and crap! (inches towards the portal’s exit)

Giygas’ Voice: Do you think I’m that stupid? I’m like, the ultimate evil here.

Pokey: Oh crap. (starts firing missiles at Giygas (i.e. randomly))

Giygas: GWARGH!!!!!

Exit Mouse: (Outside the portal) Ness, we can’t just leave.

Ness: Says who? I’m not gonna fight the ultimate evil if he’s going to be a jerk the whole time!

Jeff: I did shoot Pokey, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Poo: My blade thirsts for Giygas!

Paula: (squeezes her Teddy Bear) I’ve got this irresistible urge to pray right now...

(suddenly, a huge explosion erupts from the portal. The devil’s machine is destroyed as Giygas is utterly wiped out of existence, along with four little robot kids and a robot mouse.)

Ness and Co.: (their robot bodies float through the time of nothingness, broken and destroyed as their spirits leap out into the void, lost amid the chaos of a broken universe. A loan teddy bear, ripped to shreds, slowly floats away from the group...)

Ness: (standing alone in a darkened void of nothingness, a small beam of light illuminating him) Where am I?

Voice: Geeze, Ness, do you ever know what’s going on?

Ness: Well, not lately.

Voice: You were the leader of the chosen ones, and all you seem to have accomplished is killing yourself and your friends.

Ness: Well, I didn’t mean to...

Voice: Giygas has been defeated, but you guys really didn’t seem to do anything. Was saving the world really worth sacrificing yourself and your friends?

Ness: (glares) Hecks yeah, voicey thing. And I know my friends feel the same way! (the world fades away)

Paula: (awakens in the same type of place as Ness) Wha?

Voice: Well looky where all your great powers got you, Paula.

Paula: Hey, shutup!

Voice: What’s wrong with you? You had all that time to have fun with your friends, but instead you shoved them around and tried to beat them at every opportunity.

Paula: (sniff) I didn’t really mean it, ya know. Those idiots are my best friends, and all I ever wanted to do was tell them I...(her teddy bear somehow appears in front of her) OOH, TEDDY!!!!! (huggles her Teddy Bear)

Voice: Eh, good enough. (everything fades away)

Jeff: (finds himself in such a similar place it isn’t even funny) Well, this is new.

Voice: Well if it isn’t no psychic powers boy.

Jeff: Pretty funny if you think about it, considering that IQ is the same basis from which their psychic powers work as my high intellect.

Voice: Yet for all your brain power you and your friends still failed. You’ve failed your friends, your father, and yourself.

Jeff: (glares) Meh, we went out doing what we love, I proved to myself that I can make a difference, on my own, not just as "Dr. Andonut’s son" and I proved my skills to my father. (yells at the void) And that’s pretty dang good!!! (the world fades away)

Poo: (yep, he’s in the crazy void place too) Hm.

Voice: Poo, you piece of worthless crap.

Poo: Hey, that’s mean.

Voice: What’cha gonna do about it, wuss? You haven’t learned anything from this adventure, Poo. You are still the weak, spineless, pathetic, coward you started out as! Your friends have grown Poo, why haven’t you?

Poo: (sighs) The world thinks that those who do not loudly defend themselves or try to shove their opinions down others throats are weak.

Voice: And?

Poo: And maybe, just maybe, the quiet ones are the ones who most know what’s going on, and who understand enough to be content with themselves and don’t need to rely on others for support.

Voice: Hm.

Poo: But of course, it always helps to be true to your friends along the way. (the world fades away)

Exit Mouse: (awakens in...yep, same place) Aw crap.

Voice: Mouse, huh? What’s up with that?

Exit Mouse: Don’t give me any of that crazy crap, voice thingy. I’ve learned to trust in the power of teamwork and that even cynical mice can find a place among heroes as great and powerful as my friends, Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo.

Voice: Wow, really?

Exit Mouse: It sure sounded good, didn’t it? (the world fades away)

(meanwhile, back at that crazy place, Saturn Valley)

Dr. Andonuts: (has just finished lying out the bodies of Ness and Co. on the ground) There! Now when they return, they’ll be pleasantly lying on the grass!

Mr. Saturn: (holds up a magic marker) Zoom?

Dr. Andonuts: No, Mr. Saturn, no zoom!

Apple Kid: Hm, it’s been awhile, do you think they beat Giygas yet?

Dr. Andonuts: Well, I don’t feel the world being destroyed from the past by an evil alien thing, so maybe.

(suddenly, 5 spirits come blasting out of a portal in the space/time continuum and zap back into the bodies of the chosen ones)

Ness: (sits up) Holy carp, we did it!

Paula: (rubs her head) And without prayer, amazing!

Jeff: (wipes off his glasses) Eew, Mr. Saturn drool!

Poo: (jumps up) Finally, we’re done with this thing!

Exit Mouse: (munches a peanut cheese bar) Well, guys, that was fun.

Dr. Andonuts: Holy crap, you guys did it! What, what happened?

Apple Kid: Yeah, the world wants to know!

Reporters: (who somehow showed up) Yeah!

Photo Guy: (spirals down from the heavens) Yeah, group picture, guys!

Ness: Uh, we won! (flips the victory/peace symbol)

Paula: (as her teddy bear comes flying out of a plot hole) Teddy! (grabs it and hugs it as she jumps in beside Ness)

Jeff: That’s right, we rock! (strikes a dramatic pose next to Ness)

Poo: Yeah, amazing that we’re all still alive! (hops into the picture beside Jeff)

Exit Mouse: Woo hoo! (sits on Ness’ hat and flips his own peace sign)

Photo Guy: Sweet! (takes the pic and flies off)

Dr. Andonuts: Uh, is that it? Is that all the explanation we get?

Ness: Yeah. Geeze, we just went through the whole thing, why should we hafta live through it all over again!

Jeff: Yeah we should write a book or something.

Paula: Ooh, or maybe a video game! That’d be sweet!

Exit Mouse: (rolls his eyes) Fools, hee hee hee.

Mole: (jumps out of some nearby bushes and runs off)

Exit Mouse: Hey! Get back here!

Mr. Saturns: (start dancing around) Zoom Zoom!

Apple Kid: Dear God, we have a creepy sort of Ewok thing going on.

Poo: This place sucks. (waves his sword at Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Exit) So long guys, I’d like to say it was fun, but it really wasn’t. So long! (flies off into the air)

Cargo Plane: (explodes as Poo shoots through it, showering presents upon the world)

People: Yay.

Poo: Oops. (flies off)

Jeff: (slaps his dad on the back) Well, Dad, what say you and me start working on our next zany invention! I always thought the Skyrunner could be so much cooler with guns!

Dr. Andonuts: You know, I always thought the same thing!

Ness: Woo hoo, let’s party! (starts dancing with the Mr. Saturns)

Paula: Whee! (grooves with the Saturns and Teddy)

(20 minutes later)

Ness: Okay, let’s go.

Paula: Yeah, take me home, Ness.

Exit Mouse: (smacks Paula)

Paula: Ow, I mean, "Will you please escort me home, Ness?"

Ness: What, you can’t walk?

Exit Mouse: (smacks Ness)

Ness: Ow, I mean, uh...

Exit Mouse: Teleport her home, twit.

Ness: Righty-o.

Exit Mouse: I’ll see you guys later, I’ve got some unfinished business to attend to. (wanders off into Saturn Valley, mumbling) Mad...Duck...

Ness: See ya, Exit!

Paula: Later, Exit!

Jeff: See ya around, guys! It was fun!

Ness: Ya know, it actually was.

Paula: Yeah, we’ll hafta do this again sometime, you know, without the evil doom and all.

Ness and Jeff: Yeah.

Jeff: And when you guys get hitched, don’t forget about me! I can fix your toaster and crap.

Ness and Paula: (glare) WE DO NOT LIKE EACH OTHER! (beat the crap outta Jeff)

Ness: Shall we? (offers his arm)

Paula: You know it. (steps over Jeff’s body) Let’s go!

Paula’s Dad: (in Polestar Preschool) You know, I was just thinking, where’s Paula?

Paula’s Mom: The adventure, remember?

Paula’s Dad: Oh yeah. (a huge crash is heard above) Hm, that sounded like it came from Paula’s room, crazy!

Paula’s Mom: Yep, crazy.

Ness: (he and Paula are sitting on her bed) So, it’s nice to be home, huh?

Paula: (sadly squeezes her Teddy Bear) You blew a hole in my roof...

Ness: Hee hee, sorry about that.

Paula: Don’t worry, I set fires in here all the time anyway, some ventilation would be great!

Ness: Well, I guess I’ll be going now. (stands up to leave)

Paula: Wait, Ness!

Ness: What?

Paula: Uh, I forget. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll remember it someday.

Ness: Cool, see ya, Paula!

Paula: Bye, Ness!

Ness: (runs downstairs, past Paula’s parents) Hey Paula’s Mom, Paula’s Dad! (runs out the door and shoots off with PSI Teleport)

Paula’s Mom: Bye, Ness!

Paula’s Dad: See? That was crazy!

Ness’ Mom: (as Ness comes flying in the door) Rock on!

Ness: Hey, Mom!

Tracy: (glares and runs upstairs) You’re not getting your room back!

Ness’ Mom: Some crazy guy brought a photo album by, let’s look at it together so it can be like I went on your adventure with you!

Ness: (looking through the album) Hey, most of these pictures aren’t even of us!

Photo Guy: (looking in the window) Duh, I only showed up a few times! (flies off, laughing)

Ness: Crazy.

(THE END!)

(2 weeks later)

Ness: (sitting at a desk in his dorm room at Winter’s Snowood Boarding School) Man, this sucks! I can’t believe we hafta make up for all the school we missed!

Paula: (sitting on her bed surrounded by teddy bears) What’s really crazy is I dun even remember going to school, hee hee!

Jeff: (trying to attach a toaster to the TV) No, what’s really REALLY crazy is that you and Ness are sharing a dorm room!

Ness and Paula: Nothing wrong with that! (try to glare at each other)

Exit Mouse: (raiding their fridge) Yeah, we’re all still buying it, uh huh, sure.

Ness and Paula: (grinning) Hee hee, good!

Jeff: Man, this is more unexpected than the Samurai Pizza Cats dubbed ending!

Tony: (pokes his head through the doorway) Here’s what’s crazy, we’re all thirteen yet we’re, like, in a freakin college-type setting!

Ness and co.: True that.

Poo: (hops into the room through the window) Ha ha, you guys still hafta go to school!

Paula: Shouldn’t you be ruling a country or something?

Poo: Got kicked out. (sits in front of the TV) Come on, Melee time!

Ness and Paula: Woo hoo! (leap at the TV)

Jeff: Toast’s not done yet, get back you fools!!

Picky: (runs into the room) Ness, we just got a letter from Pokey, and he’s like, saying he’s gonna get his revenge and crap!

Ness and Co: (Gasp!)

Ness: That crazy Pokey.

Paula: My Teddy Bear thirsts for blood! Ha!

Jeff: I guess we’re gonna have another adventure soon and finish off all the random plotlines, huh?

Poo: Yeah, I’m sure it’ll happen any day now!

Exit Mouse: (rolls on the ground laughing)

Ness: What’s with him?

Paula, Jeff, and Poo: (shrug)

THE END

Well guys, it’s been fun! I hope you enjoyed EB Rewrite, making Earthbound funnier, stoopider, and weirder all at once, as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Woo hoo, peace out, fwee hee! Huzzah! (random phrases)

Thanks to everyone who read it, you guys rock. And squirrels, dont forget about how much they rock.

See ya guys, keep circulating the Earthbound stuffage.