EB Rewrite Part 29:

Are We There Yet?

(Saturn Valley, the happening place to be)

Dr. Andonuts: So, we’re just standing around, huh?

Apple Kid: (nods)

Mr. Saturn: Hoom hoom!

Ness and Co.: (come flying out of the sky and land in front of the phase distorter)

Jeff: Here’s the zexonyte! (tosses it to Dr. Andonuts)

Dr. Andonuts: (slaps it onto the Phase Distorter with some duct tape) Okay, ready to go!

Ness: We ready, guys?

Exit Mouse: I have enough Peanut Cheese bars to keep us going for years!

Paula: (holds up the Teddy Bear) Let’s rock!

Jeff: (twirls the baddest beam on his finger) Sure!

Poo: It’s time to end this pointless quest!

Apple Kid: Don’t you guys want to know where you’re going?

Ness: (already in the Phase Distorter) Huh?

Apple Kid: Well, it can only transport you instantaneously between two points in the same time period, so it’s gonna transport you as far as the Lost Underworld.

Paula: Aw, we were just there!

Apple Kid: Yeah, sucks huh? (the Phase Distorter distorts away)

Ness and Co.: (as the Phase Distorter comes back into reality, it spits them out)

Ness: Wow, where are we?

Jeff: It appears to be a rather large cave, balanced precariously upon the edge of infinity. (looks over the edge of the island they seem to be standing on, at the nothingness below)

Paula: And there’s a silver tentacle statue, you forgot to mention that, idiot!

Jeff: (glares) There goes the dramaticness of the whole thing.

Poo: Wait, so Giygas is the tentacle?

Paula: Prolly not, but I say we destroy it anyway!

Ness: (as Paula and Poo attack the tentacle) Wow, just like in Magicant! I wonder if there’s some type of connection, perhaps…

Exit Mouse: (holding a rock over the edge) Hey, Ness, race ya!

Ness: OOH, you’re on! (picks up a rock)

Crazy Old Guy: (flies down from the sky) Excellent!!!!!!

Paula: Holy crap, it’s photo guy!

Poo: No, wait, it’s the wind, uh, guy!

Crazy Old Guy: Poo, you suck.

Poo: Sorry.

Exit Mouse: Ya know, we’ve been telling him that for awhile now.

Ness, Paula, and Jeff: (nod)

Crazy Old Guy: I suppose I should help you out then, learn this! (smacks Poo in the head) Okay. (flies off again)

Poo: Wow, I’ve learned Starstorm Omega!

Ness: See? I told you blunt objects to the head can unleash psychic powers!

Paula: I prefer just being naturally skilled. Hee hee.

Jeff: Yeah, so, what do we do now?

Mr. Saturn: Sucks to be here, doing!

Ness: It’s the kidnapped Mr. Saturn!

Mr. Saturn: (bounces up and down) Bad guys escaped, escaped!!

Exit Mouse: Where’d they go, Mr. Saturn?

Phase Distorter III: (suddenly appears before the group)

Dr. Andonuts: (comes leaping from the machine) TO THE PAST!!!!! (lands dramatically as thunder echoes overhead)

Ness: Oh my God, the past!

Paula: The fiends!

Jeff: Thunder? We’re miles below the Earth’s surface! What the heck?

Poo: Nuts!

Exit Mouse: Squirrel!

Squirrel: (dances by)

Mr. Saturn: (starts dancing after the squirrel)

Apple Kid: (pops out of the Phase Distorter III) Yeah, we figured out that Giygas is attacking from our exact location, just way in the past!

Jeff: Can he DO that?

Apple Kid: Apparently, how should I know?

Ness: Wait, how did you guys make a new Phase Distorter so fast?

Mr. Saturn (another one pops out of the Phase Distorter III and starts dancing with the other one)

Dr. Andonuts: Mr. Saturn, his scientific genius really helped!

Paula: Okay, so let’s just hop to the past, kick Giygas’ butt, and be done with it!

Dr. Andonuts: Well, the problem is, you can’t travel to the past, cuz anything alive travelling to the past is killed.

Ness: Hm, dang.

Dr. Andonuts: We could do it, tho, by transferring your brain "program" into a robot and sending the robot back in time. Your spirit will go with the robot, but your body will remain behind.

Jeff: Wait, doesn’t that effectively make the robot alive? So it would then kill us anyway, cuz we were now an alive robot?

Dr. Andonuts: Quiet you!

Apple Kid: Also, there’s like a 0.000000001% chance of you being able to return after defeating Giygas.

Ness: Bah, that’s giant robot odds, not us chosen ones!

Paula: Yeah, the wee little robots!

Dr. Andonuts: So you guys all accept the danger?

Ness and Co.: (nod)

Dr. Andonuts: Okay, (whips four robot bodies out of nowhere) Here they are!

Poo: My, how crappy!

Dr. Andonuts: (pulls out a large rifle as well) Okay, Ness, hold still.

Ness: Wait, what?

Dr, Andonuts: (shoots Ness with the gun)

Ness: AGH! (falls over dead)

Paula: Oh my God, you killed Nessy!

Jeff: You ba—

Dr. Andonuts: (shoots Jeff)

Poo: Can I ask what’s going on?

Dr. Andonuts: This was the coolest method I could think up. (shoots Poo)

Paula: Anything less violent?

Dr. Andonuts: Well, there is the drill version too. (shoots Paula) Oh well!

Apple Kid: Ready, Doc?

Dr. Andonuts: Yep. (shoots each of the robots in turn) That should do it. (pulls Ness’ cap off his body and slaps it down on one of the robots) I sure hope that’s Ness.

Apple Kid: (tosses the robots into the Phase Distorter III) Okay, now go save the world!

Dr. Andonuts: Hey guys, rock on! (presses the button)

Phase Distorter III: (phases back to the past)

Ness: (steps out of the Phase Distorter III) Wow, I’m a robot! (feels his red baseball cap, atop the blocky robot frame) All is right with the world!

Jeff: (hops out, also a robot) Oh, so you get a distinguishable characteristic?

Ness: Cuz I’m the leader, Paula.

Jeff: Hello? I’m not Paula! (holds up his Gaia beam) Look, I’m holding a gun!

Ness: Poo?

Paula: (jumps out, also a robot, but with a pink bow on top) Hee hee!

Jeff: Agh, Paula too?

Poo: (climbs out, yeah, a robot, but with Poo’s hair on top) They ripped the hair off my body and glued it on the robot! This is gonna hurt when I get back to my body…

Jeff: Meh.

Exit Mouse: (jumps out, a little robot mouse dealie) Wow, this past is cool, it’s like a long winding path of ice!

Ness: Wow, you came too?

Exit Mouse: You think I’m gonna let my best friends go off to face the most evil thingy in the universe without me?

Random nearby enemies: Awwwww.

Jeff: Hm, we should go defeat them, right?

Ness: Yeah, follow the long winding path of ice until we find Giygas, let’s go!

Paula: Experiment! (shoves Poo as hard as she can)

Poo: AHHHH!!!!! (slides across the ice and right off the edge of the path)

Exit Mouse: So evil.

Paula: To be fair, the experiment isn’t over yet.

Poo’s Ghost: (floats up over the edge) You suck, Paula!

Paula: Aw, quit your whining!

Poo’s Ghost: (floats over to the Phase Distorter III)

Phase Distorter III: (sucks Poo’s ghost into it, then pops out a new robot body, Poo hair and all)

Poo: Wow, that was…disturbing.

Ness: Can we go? The monsters look annoyed!

Bionic Kraken: (tapping it’s tail slowly)

Paula: (hurtles over Ness) Wah hoo!!!! (blasts the Kraken with PSI Freeze Omega)

Jeff: (fires the heavy bazooka) Come on, guys, charge!

Ness: (smacks an ultimate octobot in the face) Die die die!!!

Exit Mouse: (flails things with a Peanut Cheese Bar)

Poo: Sword of Kings, go! (slices a few more Octobots)

Nuclear Reactor Robot: Ha, if you fools defeat me, I’ll explode, killing us all!

Paula: Correction, killing us both! (kicks the robot)

Nuclear Reactor Robot: No, I was right the first time! (slides off the edge of the path) Aw crap!

Ghost of Starman: So, we’re just supposed to sit around and wait for some kids to show up, then attack them?

Wild n’ Wooly Shambler: Yeah, boring huh?

Paula: PSI Fire Omega!

Wild n’ Wooly Shambler: (bursts into flames) AH, not boring, not boring!!!!! (runs off screaming)

Ghost of Starman: Well, that was a bit interesting. (gets smacked by Ness and explodes)

Ness: Die ghost die!!!

Ultimate Octobot: (standing around) You know, if we’re supposed to be "octo"bots, why do we only have four arms?

Mechanical Octobot: You know, I was just thinking the same thing!

Random Octobot: You know what I think? I think…

Jeff: You know what I THINK? (blows them to pieces with his heavy bazooka) I think you’re all dead! MUA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Exit Mouse: Simmer down, Jeffy boy.

Ghost of Starman: (swinging around the Legendary Bat) Lookit me, I’m Ness! I’m stoopid!!!!!

Octobots: (rolling on the ground, laughing)

Bionic Kraken: That is like, so true!

Ness: (observing from afar) Hey, what’s with all the retarded enemies?

Paula: They seem pretty smart to me, they got your character right at least!

Ness: (glares)

Exit Mouse: Well, I guess they never actually thought we’d show up, and thus didn’t bother to have some guards who didn’t suck lying around.

Jeff: It’s kinda funny. (lights a few multi bottle rockets and fires them at the bad guys)

Bad Guys: (explode, blowing a huge chunk of the walkway into space as well)

Poo: That was kinda funny too.

Exit Mouse: What’s really funny is that you just blew up our way forward.

Ness: Perhaps we can use that strange, pod lookin transport dealie over there.

Paula: It looks like a giant bomb.

Ness: Well, we can find out! (smacks the pod a few times with his Gutsy Bat)

Jeff: Try inside, Ness. (shoves Poo inside the pod)

Poo: Hey! (disappears in a flash of light)

Paula: Hey, kewl!

Poo: (comes flying out of another pod, somewhere else) Ouch!

Final Starmen: (a group of ten or so aim their blasters at Poo)

Poo: Crap.

Paula: (comes diving out of the pod) Hiya, Poo! (throws up a Psychic Shield)

Ness: (follows Paula) Yeah, we’re here to rescue you!

Jeff: (shows up too, with Exit Mouse) Considering I shoved you in, it’s the least we could do!

Poo: Wow, thanks guys! (gets shot by laser blasts) AGH!!!!

Paula: (pokes her head out from behind the PSI Shield) Oops, wrong kind of shield!

Exit Mouse: Hee hee!

Poo: (smoking) I don’t find it funny.

Ness: (leaps at the Final Starmen) Generic battle cry! (starts smacking Final Starmen around)

Final Starmen: (fire lasers in all directions) Click, whirr, destroy universe!

Paula: (leaps behind her psychic shield) This stupid thing had better work! (gets zapped) AGH, dangit!

Jeff: (ducks a few laser blasts) Ready Exit?

Exit Mouse: You bet’cha! (pulls out a peanut cheese bar)

Jeff: Light! (sets the peanut cheese bar on fire) Ready?

Exit Mouse: You know it. Fire! (hurls the peanut cheese bar into the center of the group of final starmen)

Final Starmen: (ripped to pieces by the exploding peanut cheese bar)

Ness: (shakes his head) What the heck was that?

Jeff: (munching on a peanut cheese bar) Yeah, these suckers are pretty explosive.

Exit Mouse: (eating one too) Yeah, and we’re not just talking about the dynamite use…

Paula: Eew, nasty!

Poo: (lifeups himself) Hey guys, what that?

Ness and Co.: (gaze at the sheer crystally ice wall before them, a single large crack stands gaping in the side of the wall. Horrible sounds, like chickens being squashed into pancakes come from within)

Ness: Dang that Pokey, he always had a twisted mind!

Jeff: You sure Pokey’s in there with Giygas?

Exit Mouse: You sure Giygas is even in there? This could be like a Mega Man game or something, and we’ve still got, like, 8 levels to go.

Poo: That would suck.

Paula: (rolls her eyes) Well whatever’s inside, we might as well go kill it!

Ness: True, true. (holds out his robot hand) Okay guys, you ready to go face the invincible god of destruction himself, Giygas?

Paula: (slaps her hand down on Ness’) I thought he was the god of doom.

Jeff: (places his hand atop Paula’s) Since when was he a god?

Exit Mouse: (puts his hand on Jeff’s) Well, you almost always end up killing some evil god in these types of things.

Poo: (lays his hand on Exit’s) Oh well, whatever he is, he’ll be a piece of cake, right?

Ness: (looks over to the crack in the wall) Yeah, piece of cake, right.

Exit Mouse: I’m sure we can outlast him, we’ve got magic pudding!

Jeff: (finishing off a few cups) Wait, this stuff is magic?

Poo: I sure wish I had a few dozen more levels or so.

Paula: (squeezes her teddy bear nervously) Anyone else feel like prayer?