EB Rewrite Part 28: Grudge Match!

Ness: I can’t believe it’s really him!

Paula: This is crazy!

Jeff: I suggest a breakdown in the barriers between dimensions.

Poo: Confusing.

Exit Mouse: Yeah, who would have thought HE’D show up here?

Voice: Hey, shutup! (steps into the conveniently placed light)

Ash: My name’s Ash Ketchum, and I’m from Pallet Town!

Misty: (suddenly lands next to Ash) And I’m Misty from Cerulean City!

Brock: (walks over) And I’m Brock, womanizer from Pewter City!

Tracy: (pops out of the ground beside Ash) And I’m Tracy, who was so unpopular I got kicked out after just one season!

Poo: I can relate, man.

Ness: (sighs) I’m Ness, from Onett, the place you’re in.

Paula: (glares) I’m Paula Polestar from Twoson, prepare to die!

Jeff: (whips out his bazooka) I’m Jeff Andonuts from Winters, I agree with the previous statement of my teammate!

Poo: And I’m Poo. (nods)

Exit Mouse: (walks between the two glaring groups of kids) Yeah, I’m Exit Mouse, and since I’m the only one here who isn’t willing to fight to the death just cuz I’m bored, what’s going on?

Pikachu: PIKA! (zaps Exit Mouse)

Exit Mouse: IT’S ON! (headbutts Pikachu)

Ash: (as Exit and Pikachu roll away fighting) I’m here for you, Ness! I inexplicably want to kill you!

Ness: Well, with that red hat, black hair, and overall blue look to your outfit, I can only assume you’re the weirdo going around attacking people and giving people like me a bad name!

Ash: (whimpering) But...but...I’ve gotta catch ‘em all!

Paula: (creates a fireball in her hand) Let’s just fry ‘em!

Misty: (pulls out a pokéball) Let’s see ya try, girly!

Paula: Okay, tomboy!

Brock: (holds back Misty) I think the answer here is a tournament, we have each of us face off one by one until a final winning side is determined by process of elimin(THWACK a rock silences Brock’s speech)

Poo: (picks up another) This is fun!

Ash: That’s it, BATTLE! (hurls a pokéball) Pokéball go!

Ness: Are we fighting competent new Ash, or sucky old Ash?

Squirtle: (pops out of the pokéball) Squirtle!

Ness: (looks upwards) Thank you.

Paula: (grinning) I hope I don’t singe any of your clothes, you barely have one pair as it is!

Misty: (glaring) Let’s see how well you fire me when I douse your flame! Pokéball go! (hurls out a pokéball)

Staryu: (pops out) HIYA!

Paula: PSI FIRE OMEGA! (blasts a wave of fire at Staryu)

Staryu: (flips over the wave)

Misty: Not so easy is it, Paula? (laughing insanely)

Paula: You! You’re not even doing anything!

Jeff: (levels the heavy bazooka at Tracy) Let’s see ya sketch this, boy.

Tracy: Ha, I’ve dodged bigger before!

Jeff: Wow, you must be pretty hated. (lowers the bazooka)

Tracy: I know, all I ever wanted was to be loved by a huge fanbase.

Jeff: You know, I’ve experienced much of the same prejudice just because I was without psychic powers!

Tracy: Me too! I was always disliked cuz I had a stupid name, and looked stupid, and had stupid Pokémon. I mean, Pokémon Watcher? That just sounds like a failed trainer.

Jeff: You know, it really does.

Tracy: Wow, we’re like, bonding on an emotional level, maybe we don’t hafta fight.

Jeff: Nah, I was just wasting time while lighting these bottle rockets. (fires a few of the rockets at Tracy)

Tracy: AHHH!!!! (explodes)

Poo: (staring at Brock) Why are we fighting?

Brock: We’re both the older members of the group, forced with trying to act as an older brother figure while getting no respect because we’re usually creepy and stupid.

Poo: Oh, crazy.

Brock: Yep. Onyx go!

Onyx: (flies out of it’s ball, all 2 stories of it)

Poo: Crap, look at that!

Onyx: (rams it’s head into Poo)

Poo: AGH! (rammed into the ground)

Exit Mouse: Stupid icon! (beats Pikachu in the head)

Pikachu: PIKA PI! (bites Exit’s tail)

Exit Mouse: What? I don’t even know your mom! (knees Pikachu in the face)

Pikachu: Pi. (tail whips Exit)

Exit Mouse: (rolls away from Pikachu) Eat death, rat! (body slams Pikachu into the ground)

Pikachu: Pika! (does the Pikachu Moon attack from SSB/SSBM)

Exit Mouse: OH GOD! (covers his eyes)

Ness: YAAA!!!! (charges Squirtle with his bat)

Ash: Squirtle, use water gun!

Squirtle: (nods) Squirtle!

Ness: Nope, PSI Rockin! (fires PSI Rockin at Squirtle)

Squirtle: (opening it’s mouth to fire water gun) Squirtle? (is blasted by the PSI Rockin)

Ash: No! Squirtle!

Ness: Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you didn’t have to shout out commands to them?

Ash: Quiet you!

Ness: (advances on Ash) Screw Pokémon, I’ll take you on!

Ash: (backs off a bit) Oh yeah? (throws out Charizard, Bulbasaur, and Kingler) Get him!

Charizard: (starts gnawing on Ash)

Ash: AH!!!!

Ness: (sighs)

Paula: (leaps to the side to avoid a water gun blast from Staryu) That all ya got, fish?

Staryu: HIYA! (rotates slowly in a circle)

Paula: Ooh, very pretty!

Misty: What are you idiots doing?

Paula: (shrugs) Wasting space? How the heck should I know? PSI Thunder Omega! (a few rays of PSI Thunder fly into the air)

Staryu: HIYA! (is zapped by the Thunder and explodes)

Misty: No, Staryu! I’m coming! (is zapped too) ARGH!

Tracy: You, you shot me! (he’s very badly burned)

Jeff: We ARE fighting here, ya know.

Tracy: Fine, go Venonat!

Venonat: (pops out) Veno, nat!

Tracy: Use sensory looky thing attack!

Venonat: (starts spinning in a circle)

Tracy: Once Venonat notices where you are, you’re dead meat!

Jeff: (points the Heavy Bazooka at Venonat) I’ll keep that in mind. (fires)

Venonat: (explodes in a mess of green bug goo)

Tracy: Holy crap, you killed him!

Jeff: Yeah, crazy huh?

Poo: (being chomped on by Onyx) This sucks!

Brock: (tosses out Geodude and Zubat) I have more where that came from!

Poo: Oh, sorry, where are my manners? I better hurry up then! (points hands towards the back of Onyx’s mouth) PSI Starstorm Alpha!

Onyx: (explodes into huge boulders as the starry psychic energy rams through it)

Brock: AH! (dodges a huge chunk of Onyx as it lands)

Geodude: Dude. (is crushed by Onyx’s head)

Poo: (picks himself out of the boulders) Hm, I think I tamed it!

Ness: (parrying Kingler’s blows with his bat) Stupid crab!

Kingler: Bwa! (flails wildly at Ness)

Ash: My God, the pain! (being mauled by Charizard)

Bulbasaur: (watching) Blubasaur! (shrugs and watches Ness vs. Kingler)

Ness: (hurls his bat at Kingler) catch!

Kingler: (grabs ahold of the bat) Gwargh!

Ness: (whips out a yo-yo) Die! (whacks Kingler in the head with the yo-yo)

Kingler: (knocked out)

Bulbasaur: BULBA! (fires a huge solarbeam at Ness)

Ness: (grabs his bat and flips over the beam) Ha!

Blubasaur: (fires a leech seed)

Ness: (wrapped up in clingy vines) Crap!

Blubasaur: (charges forward and rams into Ness’ gut)

Ness: GU! (random obscenities)

Misty: Can you take the pressure?

Paula: Huh?

Misty: The water pressure! Hahahahahaha!!!!!

Paula: (Goes mental from the bad puns) Die already! (smacks Misty in the face with her fry pan)

Misty: AGH! You bad person you!

Paula: (rolls her eyes) That’s what I get for fighting a little girl.

Misty: I’m only a bit younger than you!

Jeff: (pops up next to Paula) Hey, at least you’re not into younger men, Paula!

Tracy: (pops up next to Misty) Don’t listen to him, your boyfriend’s much cooler than her’s!

Paula: (her eye twitches)

Misty: Uh...

Paula: (beats the crap outta Jeff) He’s not my boyfriend!

Misty: Yeah, I hate his guts! (kicks Tracy in the face repeatedly)

Brock: Well Zubat, it’s all up to you!

Zubat: Zubat! (flies into a wall and dies)

Brock: Hm.

Poo: (pulls out the Sword of Kings) Let’s see how this ends.

Brock: Ya know, where I come from, we let little monsters settle our disputes and GAH! (is rammed through by the Sword of Kings)

Poo: Oh, geeze, sorry! I was gonna let you finish!

Brock: (falls dead)

Poo: It looks like Brock went back to normal, I win!

Exit Mouse: (still beating on Pikachu)

Pikachu: (still taking it)

Ness: (being zapped by the leech seed) This sucks!

Bulbasaur: (doing a little happy dance)

Ash: I agree! (still being mauled by Charizard)

Paula and Misty: (toss aside Tracy and Jeff) Back to battle!

Misty: Go Goldeen!

Psyduck: (comically comes out of his Pokéball)

Misty: AGH! Not you! (falls over)

Paula: What the crap is wrong with you?

Psyduck: Duck.

Paula: Hm, duck with psychic powers, cool!

Misty: Hey Paula, aim for Psyduck’s head!

Paula: All right. PSI FREEZE OMEGA!!!! (fires a huge blast of chilly psychic energy at Psyduck’s head)

Psyduck: (gets a brain freeze like you wouldn’t believe) PSY!

Misty: Aw.

Paula: All this playing around is dumb! PSI Fire Omega! (hurls a huge blast of fire at Misty)

Misty: You bit( is horribly fried to a crisp)

Paula: Thank God her top stayed on.

Tracy: This ends now, Jeff! (weakly throws out Scyther)

Scyther: (takes a step then collapses with exhaustion)

Jeff: Tsk tsk. (blows off scyther’s arm with the heavy bazooka)

Scyther: Scy! (dies)

Tracy: Stop that!

Jeff: (picks up scyther’s arms) Look, the Scyther Sabers! (chucks them at Tracy)

Tracy: Crap. (horribly diced by the sabers)

Jeff: Wow, anti-climatic.

Paula, Jeff, and Poo: (watching Ness’ battle) Come on, Ness, win already!

Ness: (being pummeled by Bulbasaur) It’s hard!

Ash: (beats off Charizard) Get back, dangit! (returns Charizard) Ha!

Ness: (punts Bulbasaur away) Good, now we can duel!

Ash: No way, I’ve got more Pokémon!

Ness: Fine, bring ‘em out then! (smacks his bat into Ash’s face)

Ash: (crumples to the ground)

Ness: Oh...whoops.

Jeff: (looks around at the fallen bodies of Ash, Misty, Tracy, and Brock) Well, that’s the end of that, then.

Poo: I had fun.

Paula: Let’s steal their wallets!

Ness: I can only assume this will destroy our chances of Earthbound on GBA.

Jeff: Eh, just cuz we destroyed one of their biggest marketing thingies ever?

Paula: Hee hee, yep!

Poo: Can we go now?

Exit Mouse: (suddenly flips into the middle of them) ACK!

Pikachu: (leaps off a nearby cliff or something and heads for Exit) CHU!

Exit Mouse: (rolls to dodge) Ultimate desperation attack!

Pikachu: (lands) Pika! (powers up a huge blast of electricity)

Exit Mouse: (looks to his friends) Any help?

Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo: Go Exit!

Exit Mouse: Okay then. (whips out a croissant) YAH! (hurls it at Pikachu)

Pikachu: (takes it in its face) PIKA! (explodes)

Ness: Sweet, we can go now!

Poo: Should we just leave them like this?

Jeff: Ya mean tamed?

Paula: (holds up some wallets) Look at this crap, they’re so freakin poor!

Exit Mouse: Yeah, I suggest we leave. (pokes Pikachu with his foot) Hee hee.

Ness: Oh yeah, we rock! (the gang flies off into the air with PSI Teleport B)

Satoru Iwata: (pops out of the nearby bushes) Dangit, Ness, you guys aren’t making my job any easier!

Wow, insane! Ness and co. seemed to take a bit of a break from the plot, sanity, and overall quality, etc. to beat the crap out of Ash Ketchum and his friends. Are they dead? No, no, of course not gentle reader. Would I promote the violent taming of random characters for such evil purposes? Of course not! Sheesh. Be back for EB Rewrite Part 29: It’s Almost Kinda Over.