EB Rewrite Part 27:

Onett Under Fire

Mr. Saturns: (chilling in Saturn Valley) BOINK ZOOM!!!!

Ness and Co.: (come flying out of nowhere and land in the middle of the valley)

Dr. Andonuts: Ah, you guys finally made it!

Jeff: We didn’t even know something was needed to be made, let alone what it was.

Apple Kid: (glares at Ness) Ness.

Ness: (glares at Apple Kid) Apple Kid.

Apple Kid: Need the Pencil Eraser yet?

Ness: No.

Both: (glare some more)

Paula: (dancing with the Mr. Saturns) Yay, we’re finally back above ground in the normal world!

Mr. Saturns: ZOOMS!

Poo: (surrounded by dancing Mr. Saturns) Wait, what’s going on?

Exit Mouse: Good question, what are you guys doing here anyway?

Dr. Andonuts: Well, the Mr. Saturns are actually the most intelligent beings on this planet, I needed their help in finally creating the Phase Distorter.

Apple Kid: And he needed my help!

Dr. Andonuts: Oh yes, Apple Kid showed up too.

Jeff: Waitaminute, did you say Phase Distorter? You mean...?

Dr. Andonuts: Yes, my greatest invention, capable of connecting any two points in time and space sorta-instantly!

Ness and Co.: (stare blankly)

Dr. Andonuts: (shrugs) You can use it to find Giygas and defeat him.

Ness and Co.: Ah.

Ness: It looks like a giant gray Mr. Saturn with a spirally stomach.

Dr. Andonuts: That was their idea, isn’t it genius?

Paula: Wow, stylin!

Dr. Andonuts: Too bad the prototype was stolen by something resembling a pig wearing clothes.

Ness and Co.: (gasp) POKEY!

Dr. Andonuts: It took the lead Mr. Saturn captive too, but we made this Phase Distorter II to follow them!

Ness: Well we’re ready, let’s go! (Ness and Co. dive into the Phase Distorter II)

Phase DIstorter II: (spits them back out, on fire)

Dr. Andonuts: Hm, it doesn’t seem to work.

Ness: (sitting in the small pond, trying to not be on fire) Why not?

Dr. Andonuts: Oh yeah, I forgot to put in the Zexonyte, the insanely rare material that can only be extracted from a meteorite and without which the Phase Distorter does not work.

Jeff: How can you forget something like that?

Dr. Andonuts: (laughs insanely)

Mr. Saturn: ZOOM!

Exit Mouse: Oh well, problem solved! We’ll just go to Onett, grab a chunk of the meteorite, then get back here and you can get the Zexonyte from it!

Apple Kid: Hey, I just heard on the news, Onett’s been attacked by aliens!

Jeff: Crap, they never make it easy, do they?

Paula: Where’d the fun be in that?

Ness: Okay gang, let’s get to Onett and save it!

Dr. Andonuts: And get the Zexonyte!

Ness: Oh yeah, that too. Crap, lots to remember! (they shoot away with PSI Teleport B)

(Onett lies covered in shadow as the group blasts out of PSI Teleport B and lands in the middle of the city)

Paula: Oh wow, it’s night!

Poo: Too night.

Jeff: And quiet.

Poo: Too quiet.

Exit Mouse: I don’t think it’s night. (points up to the sky, covered in an evil black haze)

Ness: This is so evil! I gotta go check on my family! (runs off towards his house)

Ness’ Mom: (as Ness comes diving in the house) Hi honey, home already?

Ness: Are you and Tracy all right? The city’s under attack!

Paula: (walks in the door) Well not really under attack, ya know.

Jeff: (follows in) Yeah, nothing’s been destroyed, actually.

Poo: (comes in too) Only thing really here seems to be that cloud of evil.

Exit Mouse: (shows up) Yeah, but it IS evil, terribly so.

Ness’s Mom: My oh my, who are these people?

Ness: Oh yeah, Mom, (points to each in turn) this is Exit Mouse, Paula, Jeff, and Poo. We’re the chosen ones who must defeat Giygas!

Ness’ Mom: Oh, gotcha! I should’a know from their descriptions you gave me. There’s the glutton mouse, your girlfriend, the inventor guy who always screws up, and the loser who you all make fun of.

Paula: WHAT?

Jeff: Y U PIECE OF...

Exit Mouse: (spits cookie crumbs) GROWL!

Poo: Wow, she knows me so well!

Ness: (backing off from his advancing friends) Heh heh, my Mom’s such a kidder, ya know? How about you guys see my room?

Tracy: (flies down the stairs) IT’S MY ROOM, YOU LEFT!!!! (points to Ness’ stuff lying in the corner) There’s your ROOM! MUA HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (flies back up the stairs)

Paula: Wow, your little sister sure is cool.

Jeff: And pretty smart too, right? Doesn’t she have a job or something?

Poo: And she flies, amazing!

Exit Mouse: (reading the player’s guide) And only 8, wow!

Ness: Dang.

Ness’ Mom: (watching TV) So, are you guys just stopping by or something?

Ness: Oh yeah, we gotta go get some of the meteorite and take it to Dr. Andonuts so he can complete the Phase Distorter that will allow us to go find and defeat Giygas before he destroys the universe.

Ness’ Mom: Oh, ok then. Be careful honey, you and your friends better take plenty of clean underwear!

Ness, Paula, and Jeff: (nod their heads) Yes Ma’am!

Poo: Underwear?

Exit Mouse: (chokes) Eeeeww!!!

Ness’ Mom: Oh yeah, take these too. (hands everyone a nice steak) You can snack on these on the way!

Ness and Co.: Thanks!

King: Can I have one?

Ness’ Mom: Sure! (loads a heap of them on King’s dinner bowl) They’re mostly made of horse anyway!

Ness: (as he and his friends leave) Bye Mom, I promise I’ll be back soon!

Receiver Phone: (suddenly rings)

Ness: (picks it up) Hello?

Ness’ Dad: WAH HEY! I was just calling in cuz you haven’t called in awhile!

Ness: Well geeze, I try to between episodes, Dad.

Ness’ Dad: Yeah, well I deposited like, 300 Million bucks into your account, I hope it’s enough.

Paula and Jeff: (listening in) SCORE! (they high five)

Ness: Thanks Dad, only a bit longer, and a few amounts of insane danger, and we should be through with saving the world!

Ness’ Dad: Sweet. See ya later, BEEP! (click)

Exit Mouse: (leading them off into the hills) Well, it won’t be too long until we reach the meteorite, it’s not far.

Ness: Shouldn’t I be leading, seeing as I’m the only one here who’s been there?

Exit Mouse: Excuse me, but do you have a map? (holds up the player’s guide)

Ness: Well, in my backpack...

Exit Mouse: Shush, do you guys here that?

Paula: Sounds like maniacal laughter.

Ness: Prolly just my sis.

Jeff: No, it’s coming from over there.

Poo: You mean right in front of us?

Ghost of Starman: (materializes before the group, in all his purple evil glowly goodness) Yes.

Exit Mouse: (reading the guide again) Careful guys, this Starman uses PSI Starstorm!

Poo: Ha, I’ll defeat it then! (charges the Ghost of Starman) PSI Starstorm Alpha!

Ghost of Starman: (laughs) PSI Starstorm Omega!!! (a huge wave of starry psychic energy shoots towards the group)

Poo: ACK! (is smashed by the wave)

Jeff: Argh! (is mowed down)

Ness: Crap! (is crushed into the ground)

Paula: (throws up a psychic shield) Gah! (the energy bounces harmlessly off) I made it!

Exit Mouse: (crouching behind Paula) Yes, WE did, but we’re the only ones!

Ness, Jeff, and Poo: (lying unconscious around the area)

Paula: Geeze, I wonder where their ghosts are?

Ness, Jeff, and Poo’s ghosts: (trying to possess the Ghost of Starman in a frightening manner) It’s no working!

Ghost of Starman: Back off, fools, while I destroy the little girl and the mouse! (starts towards Paula and Exit)

Paula: Crap, what do we do? My shield’ll only survive for so long!

Exit Mouse: I knew someday this would come in handy. (pulls out a glowing hunk of something)

Paula: Oooh, SHINY!!!!

Exit Mouse: Behold, the ROCK CANDY!

Paula: (drooling) PURE SUGAR!

Exit Mouse: Observe. (pulls out a tin of cocoa and dips the rock candy in it) Here. (hands her the tin of cocoa)

Paula: (tastes it) It tastes like, ROCK CANDY! (pours the cocoa powder down her throat) The sugary power, it’s incredible!

Exit Mouse: (fishes around) Crap, I don’t have any more condiments to trick out, you better just eat the real thing. (hands her the rock candy)

Paula: (jams it in her mouth) Oh...wow...(her eyes sparkle) The pure sugar, what a rush!

Ghost of Starman: (walks up to their shield) What are you doing? (blows away the shield with PSI Starstorm Alpha) Now, time to die, okay?

Paula: (stands up) I don’t think so. (fire cascades over her body as she points her now flaming hands towards the Starman) SUGARY POWERED UP PSI FIRE OMEGA BLAST!!!!!!

Ghost of Starman: Oh crap.

Ness’ Mom: (looking out the window) Hey, is it just me, or did the hills just explode?

King: I’m sleeping, stop talking to me.

Exit Mouse: (pokes his head over the edge of the smoking crater where Paula’s standing) Holy heck, what was that?

Paula: Hee hee, that was some sugar rush! Got any more rock candy?

Exit Mouse: I hope not, geeze.

Ness, Jeff, and Poo’s ghosts: Holy...

Paula: (dumps some lifenoodles on Ness, Jeff, and Poo’s bodies) There ya go, guys!

Ness: (as his ghost flies back in) That was nuts!

Jeff: (as his life returns) No kidding!

Poo: (yeah, he’s alive too) Who knew sugar was so powerful!

Paula: (grinning) Well, with the right skills...

Exit Mouse: Nevermind the powers of rock candy, look! (points to the top of the hills, now significantly closer)

Ness: You mean the flaming Wild ‘N Wooly Shambler?

Jeff: Or the flaming evil eye lookin thing?

Exit Mouse: No, the meteorite, it’s right there! (runs up the slope to the meteorite)

Poo: Wow, it’s like a magical flaming piece of rock!

Jeff: Now who wants to touch the magical flaming piece of rock and break off some to take to my dad?

Ness: I think Poo does!

Exit Mouse: Me too!

Poo: Hey!

Paula: This looks like a job, for TEDDY!!!!! (whips out her Teddy Bear)

Jeff: What the heck?

Ness: I thought we killed him.

Exit Mouse: Well not THAT one!

Paula: You ready, Teddy?

Teddy Bear: (stares blankly)

Paula: Good luck! (hurls the Teddy Bear into the meteorite)

Teddy Bear: (smacks a piece of the meteorite off)

Paula: (picks up the Teddy Bear) Thanks! (stashes him away again)

Jeff: (as he picks up the glowing piece of the meteorite) Is it safe to touch something that just touched the meteorite like that?

Ness: I don’t see why not, it looks like a giant pizza!

Exit Mouse: Hurry up, Poo, teleport us back to Saturn Valley!

Voice: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!!!

Ness and Co.: (turn around) GASP!

Jeff: Whoa!

Paula: No way!

Exit Mouse: Madness!

Poo: Who?

Ness: It’s...it’s...you!

Voice: That’s right!