EB Rewrite Part 26:

Ness’ Trip to Hallucination Land

Ness: (His mind still spinning out of control) AAAHHHH!!!!!!

Sound Stone: (pops out of Ness’ backpack and starts playing the eight melodies)

Ness: Huh? (slams into the ground) AGH, dangit! (starts walking up a weird path) Hey, everything’s in black and white! (indeed it is, weird huh?)

Sound Stone: (floating next to Ness, still playing)

Ness: (smacks it away) Stop that!

Sound Stone: Grrrrr, (blasts Ness away)

Ness: AGH!!!! (slams into the ground, again, somewhere else...)

Old Man: Har har har! You suck!

Ness: (gets up, shakily) Quiet old man!

Old Man: How did you know my name?

Ness: Waitaminute, why am I wearing my pajamas? (Yep, he’s wearing his pajamas)

Old Man: Those damn censors, that’s why!

Ness: (looks around the place, a weird combination of wild colors and giant carrots growing outta the ground) Uh...where am I, exactly?

Old Man: You are in Magicant, the realm of your own twisted imagination!

Ness: Holy crap, what kinda drugs am I on?

Old Man: I have no idea. (flies off)

Ness: Hm. (the ground changes from a magenta-like color to a deep purple) And, I don’t even care anymore. (wanders off)

Ness’ Mom: (sitting on a sofa on the ground) Hello Ness, are you tired from your adventure? If you want, you can stay here forever, I’ll cook you steak!

Ness: As tempting as constant steak would be, you’re not real, are you?

King: None of this is!

Ness: I figured, what with all that the Old Man said.

Tracy: You should go to the Sea of Eden at the end of Magicant, big brother. It’s a weird place, no one else can get near it.

Ness: Are you actually being helpful?

Tracy: (grins) Yep, I love ya bro!

Ness: Gah, now I KNOW I’m on something... (the ground changes to a hot pink color) Yeah, that’s reassuring too. (wanders off again)

Lil’ yellow bird: (hops by Ness) Wasn’t Onett a nice, small town?

Ness: Yeah, I guess so.

Little smiling flowers: (waving in the breeze that seems to be coming from somewhere) Hey Ness, face the sun and smile!

Ness: (looks up into the wavy, bright red sky) I don’t see the sun.

Little smiling flowers: (start laughing) You’re looking in the wrong direction, silly!

Ness: Argh, why is my brain so screwed up?

Black Bunny: (walking by) Good question, (walks off)

Ness: Hm, (walks into a shop)

Gray Devil: What’ll it be, Ness?

Ness: Why am I purchasing from Satan?

Gray Devil: Cuz I have magic pudding, and Earth Pendants! Both of them rock.

Ness: Wait, why would you be a memory of mine anyway?

Gray Devil: (shoves a bunch of magic puddings into Ness’ arms and an Earth Pendant) Here, just buy this stuff, ok? Then take your extra magic puddings, store them with your sister, and use ‘em if ya get back to the real world.

Ness: How would that work exactly? Buying stuff in my mind, then using it in the real world?

Gray Devil: Go figure, how can you buy stuff with money right now? Isn’t this just an illusion?

Ness: Good point. (runs off with the stuff) I’ll just steal it then, ha!

Gray Devil: Hm, then I don’t need to care, do I?

Ness: Since I won’t get another chance at this, here ya go! (shoves all the puddings except two into his sister’s arms) Store these, please! (runs off again, eating one of the puddings)

Tracy: Sure thing, bro!

Zombie: Dude, you suck!

Ness: Quiet, zombie! (smacks him away)

Zombie: ARGH! (explodes)

Ness: Cool, (runs off again as the ground turns to a light black) Crap, not again!

Master Belch: What are you doing here?

Ness: I’m not sure.

Rabbit: Take your time here, Ness, cuz it’ll explode when you wake up. (the ground turns white)

Ness: I don’t think I have a choice.

Little Girl: My name’s Nico, let’s run and sing and dance!

Ness: I don’t remember you, or do I?

Snowman: But you remember me, Ness! Thanks!

Ness: But...

Random Little Kids: Yay! Ness! (they tackle him)

Ness: Hey! I just wanna...

Flying Saucer: (crashes into a nearby building)

Monkeys: (appear in alarming numbers and start dancing)

Mr. Saturn: (flies by on the Runaway Five bus) ZOOM!!!!!

Ness: AGH, I can’t take it anymore! (runs off screaming)

Pokey: (as Ness slams into him) Hey buddy!

Ness: Pokey? ARGH, why am I so friggin insane! I can’t stand being trapped in my own mind!!!

Pokey: You rock so much more than I do, Ness, I’m so jealous of you for being cool and awesome and great while I’m such a loser.

Ness: (his eye twitches) Thanks Pokey! (vaporizes the loser with a huge blast of PSI Rockin Omega) That was pretty satisfying, I must say.

Flying Man: (wanders over to Ness) Hey Ness, I’m flying man. In the great spirit of Buzz Buzz and stuff, I’m gonna go with you to fight!

Ness: Buzz Buzz? Is he here?

Flying Man: (points to Buzz Buzz’s grave)

Ness: Well, it’s a nice touch, at least.

Flying Man: (points to a long, confusingly winding path) The Sea of Eden lies at the end of the path, let’s go, Ness!

Ness: Right with ya, strange bird guy! (they head off down the path)

Loaded Dice: (a little die wearing a top hat with a cane hops out of a present box) Ha ha ha!!!!! Prepare to die, Ness!

Ness: Ready, flying man?

Flying Man: Of course, Ness, I’m actually your courage in physical form!

Ness: Cool! (they advance on the dice)

Loaded Dice: OMG, help, help!!!!!

High Class UFOs: (3 show up) Growl!

Flying Man: Holy crap! (runs off)

Ness: Dang my stupid courage! (smacks the nearest UFO away)

High Class UFOs: (fire a few beams at Ness)

Ness: (rolls to avoid the beams and smacks the two UFOs together with his bat)

High Class UFOs: (explode)

Loaded Dice: AIE! (runs around in circles)

Ness: Geeze, this is sad, even for a little die wearing a top hat. (smashes it into the ground) Well, let’s see what’s ahead. (wanders on)

Another Ness: Wow, you look like crap!

Ness: I’ve had a rough time wandering my own brain, give me a break.

The other Ness: Here, take this baseball cap (hands him his cap)

Ness: (slips it on over his tousled mop of hair) Thanks, buddy! Uh, can I ask a question?

The other Ness: Sure.

Ness: What’s with the occasional changing of the scenery’s colors when I talk to people? Is it significant?

The other Ness: Yes, yes it is.

Ness: (blinks)

The other Ness: (yawns)

Ness: No explanation?

The other Ness: Nope.

Ness: Okay, see ya, man. (walks off)

The other Ness: That dude’s messed up.

Electro Swoosh: (a pair of giant eyes with little lightning bolts swoooooshes in) Hellooooo!!!!

Ness: WTF?

Electro Swoosh: (tosses Ness a greeting card) Here ya go, Ness!

Ness: (opens the card and reads it) "The Electro Swoosh sends a greeting"?

Electro Swoosh: (he’s so happy) Yep yep yep!

Ness: (sighs) This is just stupid!

Electro Swoosh: (his eyes glow red) Oh yeah? (fires an electrical shock attack)

Ness: (the Franklin Badge deflects the lightning)

Electro Swoosh: Crap! (is zapped into nothingness)

Ness: Hm, sad too. (wanders on)

French Kiss of Death: (a giant pair of greenish-brown lips float towards Ness)

Ness: Eeew, I remember these thingies! (smacks it) DIE!!!

French Kiss of Death: MUA HAHAHAHA!!!!! (closes it’s lips over Ness)

Ness: (his arms pretty much pinned by the pair of lips covering the upper half of his body) Okay, apparently my stoopid brain has to make everything MORE FREAKIN POWERFUL too! (rams his bat up into the lips’ mouth)

French Kiss of Death: Gaaaa!!!! (chokes on the bat and falls to the ground, limp)

Ness: I could wonder how something without a throat can choke, but... (walks quickly onward)

Floating Question Marks: (a large group of them surround Ness)

Ness: Wow, hello questionable friends!

Mr. Molecules: (suddenly erupt from within the question marks) Gwar!!

Ness: What the...? (is bombarded by little molecules about knee high) Why is they so big?

Mr. Molecules: (run into Ness repeatedly, causing mild discomfort)

Ness: And so weak? (kicks a few away)

Mr. Molecules: (bounce away) Rawg!

Ness: (looking around) Now how do I get to the Sea of Eden?

Carefree Bomb: (hanging out next to a weird white tentacley looking thingy sticking out of the ground) Ahem.

Ness: Well, makes about as much sense as everything else here.

Carefree Bomb: Growl! (hurls a bomb at Ness)

Ness: Crap! (dives out of the way of the bomb as it explodes)

Carefree Bomb: (charging towards Ness, hurling bombs everywhere)

Ness: Agh! (is hit by a few bombs and smashed into the ground)

Carefree Bomb: (whistling innocently, tossing a bomb into the air)

Ness: (smoking as he drags himself off the ground) Hm, that hurt. (focuses for a second, then a cascade of pyshic light washes over him) Now that I’ve lifeupped myself, ready for round two?

Carefree Bomb: (looks to the bomb in its hands, then tosses it away)

Ness: Huh?

Carefree Bomb: (whips out a huge freakin super bomb) Ha!

Ness: (grins) Wanna go?

Carefree Bomb: (charges with the bomb)

Ness: (charges towards the bomber)

Carefree Bomb: (hurls the super bomb)

Ness: (his power shield of light deflects the bomb)

Carefree Bomb: (explodes)

Ness: (skids to a halt, as the flaming wreakage of the carefree bomb crashes to the ground behind him) Oh yeah, too cool! (pokes the tentacley thingy and is zapped somewhere else)

Sound Stone: (floating around as Ness appears ankle deep in the waters of the Sea of Eden)

Ness: Ah, there you are!

Sound Stone: (nods)

Ness: So I guess I just hafta walk through here to get out, huh?

Sound Stone: (starts laughing)

Ness: (as a giant Kraken suddenly rears up behind him) What?

Kraken: GRAWOORGH!!!!!! (slams Ness into a nearby rock face with its tail)

Ness: Geeze. (readjusts his baseball cap) Time to go down, Kraken! (dashes around the beast, smacking it with his bat)

Kraken: (sinks beneath the waves)

Ness: (splashes around in the foot of water or so) Now how did he do that?

Kraken: (suddenly erupts from beneath Ness, carrying him high into the air) ROAR!

Ness: (starts smacking the Kraken on its head) Die Die Die!!!!!

Kraken: (crashes to the ground, coughing violently)

Ness: (tumbles off) What the? (spots a weird wooden thing poking out of the Kraken’s mouth and yanks it out) It’s a bat!

Sound Stone: (starts spinning crazily as Ness examines the bat) Whoo!!!

Ness: This is like, the sweetest bat I have ever seen! (looks over to the recovering Kraken) But how does it handle battle? (pokes the Kraken with the bat)

Kraken: (is SMAAAASHED away and explodes off in the distence)

Ness: (drooling) Wow.

Sound Stone: (spits out a little typed message on an index card)

Ness: (reads it) You found the Gutsy Bat, good for you.

Sound Stone: (nods)

Ness: Thanks buddy, now maybe we can get outta here!

Ness’ Nightmare: (an eeriely glowing golden statue stands illuminated on a small island nearby) MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ness: (rolls his eyes) Or not. (wanders over to the golden statue) Hey, it’s MANI-MANI!!!

Ness’ Nightmare: No, I am your nightmare! Much better than Mani-Mani and stuff!

Ness: But, Mani-Mani wasn’t really all that bad, I think, it was kinda confusing at the time.

Ness’ Nightmare: Try telling that to your screwed up mind.

Ness: Yeah, I know.

Sound Stone: (bounces up and down)

Ness’ Nightmare: No more talk! DIE! (fires off PSI Rockin Omega at Ness)

Ness: WTF? (is blown clear back into the water) ARGH!

Ness’ Nightmare: You can’t beat me, I’m the friggin evil part of your brain! It’s like, impossible and stuff.

Ness: (drags himself out of the water) So, if I kill you, I’ll be like, less evil or something?

Ness’ Nightmare: I assume so, but you can’t beat me. (flings up a PSI Shield) I can destroy you with your own psychic abilities, while you can do nothing but sit there and take it. (puts up a power shield of light) You can’t even get near me, any attacks you make will be deflected and kill you. (lifeups himself) I can heal any wounds you give me, which you can’t even give me because of my insane powers. Do you honestly think you can defeat me? DO YOU? Bwa hahahahaha!

Ness: (walks up to his nightmare) Pretty nifty I must say, but I have the power of GUTS! (holds up the Gutsy bat)

Ness’ Nightmare: Wah?

Ness: Yah!!!! (SMAAAASHES the statue into oblivion and is blown back by the deflection of the power shield) Agh!

Sound Stone: (bouncing up and down madly)

Ness: (drags himself from the water back onto the island again) Ow, that hurt. For a dream I sure seem to feel a lot of pain here.

Ness’ Voice: (coming from somewhere) Ness! Giygas’ only goal is to destroy you, because it’s been foretold that you will destroy him!

Ness: Well, a natural response, I suppose.

Ness’ Voice: Yeah, but him destroying the universe is bad. Free your mind and know what you must do! Your destiny has already been decided!

Ness: It has? Does that mean I don’t have to try?

Ness’ Voice: Quiet you, go to Saturn Valley! There you and your friends shall find the answer to what you seek.

Ness: We’re seeking somethng?

Ness’ Voice: How should I know? I’m not omnipotent! (Magicant begins to fade away)

Sound Stone: (starts spinning around Ness)

Ness: (as psychic energy starts to cascade around him, he clenches his fists) Ha, powering up!!!!

Sound Stone: (fills Ness with the powers of the eight melodies)

Ness: I have the powerrrrr!!!!!!! (a huge flash wipes out Magicant as Ness disappears)

Sound Stone: Hee hee. (disappears)

Ness: Ugh. (slowly sits up from his position of lying on the ground in the Fire Springs)

Paula: (sitting next to a huge pile of money) Wow, you finally woke up!

Jeff: Welcome back, Ness! (throws his cards down) I fold.

Poo: (sitting in the corner) It’s good to see you’re all right, Ness!

Exit Mouse: (sitting next to Poo) About time you woke up, Ness, me and Poo’ve been out of the game for awhile!

Ness: Poker? Aw, I missed it!

Paula: (shuffles the deck back into her purse as she shoves the money in too) So, what happened?

Ness: I was trapped in the own bizarre realm of my screwed up mind, fighting monsters and talking to strange things. It was kinda weird.

Jeff: Cool.

Ness: Yeah, I got some stuff too! I am now SUPER POWERED! (whips out the Gutsy Bat and smacks away a nearby boulder)

Paula: (as the boulder smashes into pieces some distance away) Oh my.

Jeff: No way.

Poo: Wow.

Exit Mouse: Where’d that bat come from?

Ness: My brain! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! (throws Paula a Goddess Band) Here, I found this there too, for you!

Paula: Sweet, thanks Ness!

Ness: Wait, did you just thank me?

Paule: (looks away) Uh, no.

Ness: Oh, ok. (tosses some magic pudding to Exit and Jeff) These are great, eat up!

Jeff: Pudding, wow, thanks.

Exit Mouse: (eats it) Mmmm, brain pudding.

Poo: Do I get anything?

Ness: Uh, nope. Sorry.

Poo: Oh, okay, what do we do now?

Ness: To Saturn Valley, using my sweet new PSI Teleport B!

Paula: You can’t teleport underground!

Ness: Hey, you never know what someone can accomplish when they don’t know what they can’t do!

Jeff: Ah ha, touché!

Paula: (smacks Jeff?

Ness and Co.: (spiral away with PSI Teleport B, to Saturn Valley!)