EB Rewrite Part 23:

Evil Robots Like to do Evil Stuff

Mouse (who no one has given a name yet): This rocks. (sitting in front of a big screen playing Gamecube)

Cave Boy: (playing as well) Yeah.

Mouse: Wait, what?

Cave Boy: Er, I mean... Unga!

Mouse: That’s better.

(suddenly a loud noise like the opening of a rift in the space time continuum followed by a sonic boom is heard from overhead)

Mouse: Hey, did you just hear a loud noise like the opening...

Ness and Co.: AHHHHH!!!!!! (they come dropping in through the lab’s vehicular exit port (the big hole in the top) and crash to the ground in the middle of the lab)

Paula: That was nuts, oink! (still wearing the piggy nose)

Ness: Hee hee hee, ouch, I think my arm’s broken!

Jeff: DON’T MAKE ME TAKE THAT!!!!!!!

Poo: I had no idea I could control where we came out of teleport!

Exit Mouse: You call that control?

Jeff: Well it was physically impossible anyway, so let’s never mention it again.

Ness, Paula, Poo, and Exit Mouse: Agreed.

Mouse: (eyes glued to the TV) Hey guys, what’s up?

Ness: Yo, Mouse, we came here to rescue Dr. Andonuts and Apple Kid and stuff.

Mouse: Oh yeah, they were kidnapped and stuff, we were gonna go rescue them ourselves...

Cave Boy: (also glued to the TV screen) Yeah...

Exit Mouse: Any idea where they could be?

Jeff: Well, the bad guys could’a taken up residence in the giant alien labyrinth underneath Stonehenge. That would prolly suit the tastes of Giygas’ cronies.

Paula: Wait, there’s a giant alien base under Stonehenge?

Jeff: Yeah, been there since the 60s.

Exit Mouse: And nobody’s ever explored it, or researched it, or used it for evil, or anything?

Jeff: Nope, they couldn’t get past the intricate defense systems of the base itself.

Ness: Cool, let’s go check it out. I’m sure what has stumped scientific geniuses for years can easily be beaten by us!

Mouse: Yeah, Apple Kid was making an invention that could get past the defenses of the base, finished it too. (waves off towards the table) It’s called the Eraser Eraser machine, it’s over there, I think.

Ness: (picks a small machine shaped like and eraser off the table) Wait, did you say Eraser Eraser, or Pencil Eraser?

Mouse: Eraser Eraser.

Ness: Good. (pockets the machine) Let’s go take out the alien base!

Paula, Jeff, and Poo: Yay.

(outside at Stonehenge, Ness and Co. descent into the unknown)

Jeff: Isn’t it great when the unknown has ladders?

Ness: Yeah, whee!

(as they enter the alien base, they are confronted by a giant eraser-shaped iron statue, blocking their way into the massive labyrinth of glowing purple alien base-like evil passageways.)

Paula: Wow, what an intricate defense system!

Jeff: Shut up!

Paula: Okay, oink! (somehow wearing the piggy nose again)

Jeff: THAT’S IT! (begins chasing after Paula) Gimme that piggy nose!

Paula: Hee hee, oink oink oink!!!!! (leads Jeff around the room, oinking madly)

Ness: Hee hee hee hee! (rolling on the ground in laughter)

Exit Mouse: (holding the Eraser Eraser) Well Poo, looks like it’s up to us!

Poo: This place looks familiar, like that one place I was at before, not now, but like a year ago. This place looks like it, and yet not.

Exit Mouse: ...Okaaaaay. (uses the Eraser Eraser machine on the big iron-like...Eraser)

Eraser Eraser Machine: (erases the giant eraser with its erasing powers)

Exit Mouse: Now we can enter the ba--(gets steamrolled by Paula and Jeff)

Ness: Wait for me, hahahahaha, (grabs Poo and Exit Mouse as they chase after Paula and Jeff)

Mook Senior: HALT INTRUDERS!!!!!!!

Paula: Whoa, it’s a red mook!

Jeff: He doesn’t seem to be moving, let’s KILL IT!

Ness: You mean tame, Jeff, TAME!

Jeff: No, KILL. (vaporizes the mook senior with his Heavy Bazooka)

Ness: Well ok then.

Mook Senior #2: (shows up) You guys suck, I’m gonna take you down with these guys! (a group of 4 Starmen materialize behind the Mook Senior)

Jeff: Ooh, shiny!

Mook Senior: Not just shiny, they’re Giygas’ elite strikeforce, his personal soliders! The Starmen!

Poo: (whimpering) Let’s give up.

Paula: Meh, they’ll bash just as good as anything else! (smacks the nearest Starman with her fry pan)

Starman: (teleports behind Paula and blasts her with a laser)

Paula: OW! Well ok, they do have a few...(gets shot again) OW! Die sucker! (blasts it away with PSI Freeze Omega)

Mook Senior: Two can play at that game, PSI Freeze Alpha! (fires a few shards of ice at Ness)

Ness: (swipes them away) Too bad that was your last and best shot! (SMAAAASHES!! the Mook Senior away)

Jeff: (exchanges shots with a Starman) Eat it, robot!

Starman: (firing back) We are actually not robots, but instead high-tech...(its head explodes as one of Jeff’s blasts connects)

Jeff: Aw dang, I guess we’ll never know. (laughs evilly)

Poo: (takes his Starman out with Starstorm alpha) The irony’s the best part!

Exit Mouse: What irony?

Poo: Aw, you’ve ruined it.

Ness: (smacks another Starman away) Okay, we’ve got a clear enough path to follow, straight through these losers! (they head deeper into the base, destroying the mediocre enemies standing in their way)

Jeff: Ooh, this is different! Instead of a cave-like glowing alien base with purple floors, we get a base-like alien base with blue floors and glowy walls! Cool!

Ness: (absentmindedly bashes a nearby Starman into oblivion) There’s a ladder, let’s head on down!

Paula: (as she gazes over the edge into the darkness below) Wow, it’s a long way down! (a Starman teleports in right next to her, with its back to her) These guys aren’t all that bright, are they? (shoves the Starman over the edge)

Exit Mouse: Yeah, but what’s that! (points to an oddly pudgy shape emerging from the shadows)

Ness: (gasps) Can it be?

Atomic Power Robot: (emerges from the shadows) It is I, the Atomic Power Robot! Feel my wrath as I replenish my own fuel supply! BWA HAHAHAHA!!!

Ness: Well, it’s still scary...kinda.

Paula: (starts bashing it) Bring it, robot!

Poo: (starts hammering on the robot with his fists) DIE!

Ness: (starts bashing it too) You’re going down!

Jeff: Uh, should you guys really be hitting something with the word ATOMIC in its name?

Atomic Power Robot: (glows white hot as it begins to explode)

Exit Mouse: Crap. (cowers under Ness’ cap)

Atomic Power Robot: (explodes into bits, sending Ness and Co. hurtling over the edge and into the abyss)

Ness and Co.: (crash into a heap on the cold steel deck plating of the lower level)

Poo: (rolls out from under everyone else) Owww, that really... (stops as a sword rams itself into the ground before his face)

Starman Super: (his gold exterior glowing eerily in the glowing lighting) We meet again, Prince Poo.

Poo: (scrambles to his feet) AGH! The evil robot who took my sword awhile back!

Ness: (as he, Paula, and Jeff jump to their feet) Poo, you’ve encountered robots like these Starmen before? And you didn’t mention it!?

Poo: Not like THOSE starmen, this guy’s golden colored!

Jeff: But they look exactly the same, otherwise!

Poo: I must’ve never made the connection.

Paula: Argh.

Starman Super: Time to die by your own sword, Prince, en garde! (whirls the Sword of Kings around in a stylish fashion)

Poo: (waves the others off) Don’t worry, guys, I’ll take this guy out and get my Sword of Kings back! (whips out the Attack Yo-Yo) I’ll use my most powerful weapon!

Ness: Aw geeze.

Jeff: He’s doomed.

Paula: Why don’t we just leave now?

Exit Mouse: (poking out of Ness’ cap) How many cookies did you store under this thing? (munch munch)

Poo: (whirls the yo-yo around his head) Prepare to die!

Starman Super: (swings the Sword of Kings at Poo’s head)

Ness: I can’t watch. (he, Paula, Exit Mouse, and Jeff cover their eyes)

Poo: (catches the sword on his yo-yo, ripping it from the Starman’s hands) HAI!

Starman Super: Huh?

Poo: YAHHH!!!!!! (whirls the yo-yo back around, cleaving the Starman super in half)

Ness and Co.: (uncover their eyes) Ooh!

Poo: I did it! (suddenly the yo-yo wraps around his head and the sword narrowly misses impaling him) Ack! (falls to the ground)

Paula: (shrugs) oh well.

Jeff: It was cool while it lasted.

Exit Mouse: Cookies gone! We need to get through this stupid dungeon fast!

Ness: You mean alien base, right?

Exit Mouse: I know a dungeon crawl when I see one!

Paula: Here, we can go down here! (slides down the ladder)

Everyone else: Yeah, ok. (slide down after)

(WHUMP, the gang finds themselves in a dimly lit corridor that would be dangerous if it weren’t for the invisible forcefields keeping you from falling off the edge of the pathways)

Jeff: KEWL, a broken trumpet! Sweet!

Paula: Until you make a weapon of mass destruction out of it, I’m not impressed.

Ness: I am! Cool!

Poo: (as they tread carefully through the near-semi-darkness) Surely we must be near the end of this labyrinth!

Military Octobots: (four drop down before the group) You’ll hafta get through us before you can leave here!

Paula: All right. (blows the four Octobots away with PSI Fire Omega)

Ness and Co.: (as they rush into the next room) GASP!

(there on the wall lying in huge test tubes filled with a green liquid are the missing peoples!)

Jeff: Dad! (pokes futilely at the test tube wall)

Paula: Mr. Saturn!!!!! (hugs the test tube with a Mr. Saturn inside and starts crying)

Ness: Mr. T!!!!!! (hugs the test tube with Mr. T inside and starts crying as well)

Poo: Uh, some guy! (slaps the test tube with Jeff’s friend Tony inside)

Jeff: Oh yeah, uh, TONY!!!!

Tony: (bloop) We haven’t been able to (glub) breath in like, (blub) awhile. Save (gloop) us!

Ness: Righty-o! (Ness and Co. rush into the next room) Prepare to die, bad guy!

Starman Deluxe: BWA HA HA HA!!!!!!

Jeff: Ya know, I am getting so sick of this superiority complex all the bad guys have!

Ness, Paula, and Poo: (stare at him blankly)

Jeff: He’s not smart, he’s a stoopy poopy dummy head!

Exit Mouse: Right on!

Ness: (points his bat at Starman Deluxe) Release your prisoners, baddie!

Starman Deluxe: (click) (whirrrr) No.

Ness: Well dang.

Starman Deluxe: You’re stronger than we thought, perhaps the Apple of Enlightment’s prophecy was true...

Paula: Apple of whatsis now?

Starman Deluxe: But, you must not (whirrr) underestimate us.

Jeff: Okay, what the crap is he talking about?

Poo: Forget this, let’s just kill it! (fires PSI Starstorm Alpha at Starman Deluxe)

Starman Deluxe: (reflects the attack with his PSI Shield, wasting Poo)

Paula: I’ll get him! (Fires PSI Freeze Omega at Starman DX)

Ness: Me too! (blasts PSI Rockin Gamma at Starman DX)

Ness and Paula: ACK! (are flung backwards as their attacks are reflected by the PSI Shield)

Starman Deluxe: Oh yeah, I rock!

Exit Mouse: I think I’ll be exiting right about now...

Jeff: I got this sucka’ handled. (fires off a few multi bottle rockets at Starman DX)

Starman Deluxe: (explodes) AGH! Nobody said anything about them not having psychic powers!!!!!!

Jeff: Boo yeah.

Automated Base Voice Thingy: When you defeated the Starman DX, the Stonehenge Base ceased functioning.

Jeff: Yeah, who won? THE GUY WITHOUT PSYCHIC POWERS!

Ness: (rubbing his head) Shutup, Jeff.

Paula: Let’s rescue everyone now, and leave this stupid place.

Everyone else: Agreed.

(later, back at Dr. Andonuts lab where everyone’s hanging out cuz there’s food and stuff)

Mr. Saturn: Crazy, DOING!

Mr. T: You got that right, sucka.

Dr. Andonuts: I thought it was rather fun.

Tony: Do they exscuse you from homework because of alien abduction?

Apple Kid: Mouse, why didn’t you rescue me?

Mouse: (still glued to the TV) I seriously considered it, really.

Ness: Hey, we’re busy here, Apple Kid? Where’s the overcoming shyness book?

Apple Kid: I returned it to the Onett library awhile ago.

Jeff: Then this was just a stupid waste of time?

Paula: We DID rescue your dad and a bunch of other peoples, tho’

Ness: And a hippie.

Jeff: Well, okay, yeah.

Apple Kid: Plus, there’s like three other copies at the library. You could’a gotten one of those.

Paula: Don’t start, apple boy. (the group wanders outside)

Crowd: Thanks kids! You rock!

Ness: Yeah, we know. (Ness and Co. teleport off to Onett)