Eb Rewrite Part 22:

Trippin’ on Truffles

Ness: (standing knee deep in mucky (both muddy and yucky ^_^ ) brown water) Come on, Paula!

Jeff: (next to Ness) Yeah, it’s not that bad, I mean, I’m even wearing pants, so I should be the most annoyed and stuff, but I’m...not.

Exit Mouse: (sitting on Ness’ hat) Hey, I’m fine with it.

Paula: (perched on the periscope of the submarine) No! WAH!<

Ness: Just hop off the periscope, Paula, it’s not deep, see? (splashes around in the mucky water)

Paula: Well, okay, but if I step on anything icky I’m blaming you guys! (hops gingerly off the periscope and lands next to Ness)

Ness: See, Paula...(he stops as Paula disappears beneath the muck.

Jeff: (as he and Ness look down on the spot where Paula disappeared) Not deep, huh?

Exit Mouse: (as Paula’s bow floats slowly up to the surface) We are so dead when she gets out of there.

Ness: (grinning) Maybe we’ll be lucky and she won’t!

Paula: (erupts from beneath the mucky water) I HEARD THAT! (flings a few blasts of psychic fire at Ness)

Ness: AGH!!

Monkeys: (suddenly a wave of the simian creatures spill down from the surrounding trees) Wow, visitors!

Paula: (adjusting the bow back on her head) Wow, monkeys!

Exit Mouse: And not the evil Moonside kind!

Paula: Huh?

Monkey: You can stay at the forest inn for free!

Jeff: Sweet!

Monkey: But you hafta sleep in a tree, and you might get eaten by something, and you hafta let monkeys constantly poke you, sniff you, or watch you in a creepily silent fashion.

Jeff: Uh, no thanks, we’ll just be moving along.

Ness: So this is Deep Darkness, huh? Not that dark, actually. (they wander onto a raised plateau above the mire.)

Monkey: Duh, this is the light part of Deep Darkness, which we refer to as Light Darkness.

Exit Mouse: Oxymorons.

Monkey: But we make cookies.

Exit Mouse: COOKIES!

Random Monkey: I heard that monkeys living in some desert can teleport.

Ness: Yeah, I learned how to teleport from them!

Random Monkey: Could you teach me?

Ness: Yeah, just run really fast, without actually running faster.

Random Monkey: Okay. (spins in a circle and teleports off)

Paula: Hey, Ness, he teleports better than you!

Jeff: I don’t see you teleporting, Paula! (Sticks tongue out at Paula)

Paula: I don’t see you using psychic powers, Jeff! (sticks tongue out at Jeff)

Random Monkey: (flies back in) That was awesome, you rock! Here’s a free "Monkey’s Love"

Ness: (gets the Monkey’s Love) Hey...those desert monkeys were just part of the, er, Yogurt Machine’s evil nightmare realm!

Exit Mouse: YEAH! Then that means...

Random Monkey: HAHAHAHAHA, you fools! (flies off over the horizon)

Paula: Whoa, weird.

Ness: I think we better just go.

Everyone else: Yeah.

Monkey: I wanna become a pig!

Paula: (duh, she’s still got the piggy nose on) I’m a pig! Oink!

Ness: Hee hee hee! (they both fall to the ground, rolling in laughter)

Jeff: Dangit, stop that! (wanders off to buy crap from an arms dealer)

Exit Mouse: Disturbing.

Ness: Hee hee, okay, okay. Let’s go! (they go)

Monkey Leader : (as the kids head off into the swamp) Careful! Deep Darkness is evil and horrible and stuff! If you don’t have the Hawk Eye, you’re toast!

Ness: Mmmm, toast.

Paula: Oh well, we don’t have the Hawk Eye anymore.

Jeff: Dang Poo.

Monkey: Dangpoo?

Exit Mouse: Oh well, bye monkeys!

Monkeys: Bye, guys! You rock!

Monkey Leader: You guys are so much nicer than our last guests! They kept calling us "Manglys" or something, and one of them through a ball at Jim and nearly conked him out!

Jim: (some businessman hanging around) Yeah!

Monkey Leader: Hey, he looked like you, Ness! Ah ha, ah ha ha ha.

Ness: Weird...hey, I was meaning to ask you guys something. Why do you live here in Deep Darkness if it’s so evil and stuff?

Monkey Leader: As Desert Monkeys live in the dessert, so too do Deep Darkness Monkeys live in the dark.

Jeff: It’s not dark here.

Monkey Leader: (blinks, then his head explodes)

Paula: Nice going, Jeff.

Jeff: Well it isn’t!

Ness: We better go. (they go, again?)

(as they enter under the canopy of the trees, they enter a strange realm of pitch-blackness, surrounded by the squeals and squelches of thousands of icky things)

Paula: This is nasty, let’s go back!

Jeff: Yeah, this sucks!

Ness: Hold on, guys, we can just make our way along slowly, even if we can’t see! (they all suddenly slide into mucky water over their heads.)

Exit Mouse: (on Ness’ hat above the water) Ouch.

Ness: Oh well, we can still keep going!

Jeff: Wait, how can we breathe under water?

Paula: Just go with it.

Ness: We don’t need the Hawk Eye, PK FLASH!!!!! (a brilliant flash illuminates the entire area)

(the group covers their ears as the sounds of millions of animals adapted to the unique pitch-black environment of Deep Darkness die horrible, horrible deaths caused by the light exposure.)

Ness: Oops, heh heh.

Exit Mouse: We’ll, we’ve screwed this place up pretty well, shall we move on?

Ness, Jeff, and Paula: (nod their heads slowly)

Jeff: Waitaminute, considering how dirty the water is, how can we see under water too?

Paula: Eh, whatever, at least it doesn’t feel completely yucky.

Ness: Come on, guys, it can’t be that far! (he leads them off into the swamp.)

Hard Crocodile: (shows up) GWAR!

Ness: (bashes it) DIE!

Hard Croc: (smacks Ness away)

Ness: Crap! (goes headfirst into a mud bank)

Paula: (blasts the croc with PSI Freeze Omega) Come on!

Jeff: Right with ya! (blasts the croc with his bazooka)

Hard Croc: (grabs a few zap eels and whirls them around like nunchucks)

Paula and Jeff: (back off a bit) Holy carp!

Ness: (rises from his mud splatter) Wait...monkeys...desert...teleport...B? (smacks himself in the head) Of course! It all makes sense now!

Exit Mouse: Huh?

Ness: I gots a new psychic power, Teleport B!!!!! (he fires a spectrum of colored psychic energy at the croc, taming it into oblivion) Er, I mean PSI Rockin Gamma!

Paula: Meh, I’ve had PSI Fire Gamma for awhile now.

Jeff: And yet, it was cool. (they continue deeper into the undarkness)

Paula: Yay, land! (runs ashore)

Ness: Cool, patches of land sporadically break the muckyness!

Exit Mouse: Wow, really Ness?

Ness: That’s what the monkey said... (gazes off into the forest)

Pit Bull Slugs: (emerge from the dirt) Get ‘em!

Jeff: Hey, slugs are attacking!

Pit Bull Slugs: (around 30 or so gather together to charge the group)

Ness: Here we go again.

Jeff: Nah, I got it, Ness. (levels the Heavy Bazooka at the slugs) I win. (fires the H. Bazooka, leaving only a smoking crater in the ground where the slugs used to be)

Paula: (smiling) That’s a big bazooka, Jeff, are you compensating or something?

Jeff: Uh, like for what?

Paula: Like for your non-psychic-having-powerness?

Jeff: Uh, sure, okay, yeah. (they wander on)

Exit Mouse: Hey guys, what that? (points to a big yellow thingy on the nearest land area)

Jeff: It sure looks like that rickety old helicopter Pokey stole.

Ness: I hope he died doing what he loved, eating crap. Ha ha ha, I’m so funny!

Paula: We could check inside. (smashes the glass out of the copter’s canopy with her Fry Pan)

Ness and Co. (recoil in horror at the sight of...a Demonic Petunia)

Demonic Petunia: Tremble before my might, weaklings! BWA HAHAHA!!!

Ness: Pokey became a...

Paula: Petunia? (they both fall to the ground laughing)

Demonic Petunia: Do not laugh! Cry, pee your pants!

Jeff: No. (lobs a bomb into the helicopter, it explodes quite well)

Exit Mouse: Okay then.

Paula: Wait, I smell something! (runs off into the swamp, oinking like crazy)

Ness: Hahahaha, piggy nose! (runs after her)

Jeff: (sighs) They’re gonna get themselves killed, aren’t they?

Exit Mouse: (munching some beef jerky) Yep. (they follow after, slowly)

Paula: (as Jeff and Exit finally catch up) I found a magic truffle, oink!

Ness: Hee hee, but they took it! (points to a weird fish creature with the truffle)

Manly Fish: Sez you, foo! This ‘ere’s my truffle, you can gets lost!

Paula: MINE, oink!

Manly Fish: I gots it all on, foo. (another fish pops up beside him) Say hello to my brother, he’s taking you down.

Manly Fish’s Brother: Straight up, dawg.

Manly Fish: Straight up an out! (they high five)

Paula: I said, MINE...FRIGGIN...OINK!!!!!!!! (vaporizes the pair with PSI Fire Omega)

Ness: (rolling on the ground laughing) Oink, hee hee hee! Crap, Paula’s got another, hee hee, omega level, hee hee, psychic power, hee!

Jeff: Well, I’m scared.

Exit Mouse: Me too.

Paula: (picks up the magic truffle) Hee hee, can we go on~oink?

Ness and Co. (nod their heads)

Ness: Hey look, it’s a big pile of puke!

Master Barf: Quiet, you! You may have forgotten, but (burrrrrrrp) I’m the return of Belch! Belch has trained hard and has returned stronger. He is now so strong, he speaks only in the third person!

Ness: Cool.

Master Barf: Indeed, and I have changed my name to Puke! Barf, vomit, barf, barf, chuck, chuck! Drown to death in puke!

Paula: Shut up and fight, Barfy. (blasts Master Barf with PSI Freeze Omega)

Ness: Yeah! (SMAAASHES Barf with his bat)

Jeff: Check this trick, guys! (fires a volley of multi bottle rockets)

Master Barf: GWARGH! (sinks into the muck, defeated)

Poo: (suddenly swoops down from the sky, firing off PSI Starstorm A) Hi guys!

Master Barf: (explodes into flames)

Ness: Hey, Poo, you’re back.

Poo: Yep, I gots the starstorm!

Paula: Heh, you keep playing with your alpha leveled psychic powers, Poo.

Jeff: Eh, I’ve seen better.

Exit Mouse: Yeah, what a lame entrance.

Poo: Awwww, I’ve missed you guys!

Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Exit Mouse : (shake their heads sadly)

(they continue on into the swamp as it begins to thin out, leading onto a large area of muddy ground)

Ness: Wow, after Barf, that was easy.

Paula: I guess if ya kill the leader, they go away.

Jeff: Maybe.

Poo: We should investigate that cave over there!

Exit Mouse: Yeah, seems like the thing to do. (the gang enters Tenda Village)

Ness: HEY EVERYBODY!!!!!!

Tendas: (the cute ‘lil green guys stare blankly)

Ness: Okay.

Jeff: Hey, Ness, they gots lotsa junk! (starts rummaging through the pile of junk and trash cans)

Ness: Score! (he hops in too)

Poo: Yes, very (jumps in)

Exit Mouse: Whee! (runs off into thew village, screaming his head off cuz nobody’s stopping him)

Paula: Ugh. (wanders over to a Tenda with a beard) You look important, where are we?

Tenda Leader: In Tenda Village, all are shy.

Paula: Oh, so you guys are Tendas.

Tenda Leader: (nods, then walks away to stand in the corner)

Paula: Huh. (wanders over to Ness, Jeff, Poo, and Exit Mouse) Hey guys, they’re shy!

Jeff: I found a Death Ray!

Paula: Good boy, Jeff.

Exit Mouse: Whee! (runs up) Hey guys, to continue on we gotta go down this hole, but ya see, this hole, right? This hole, it’s like, covered by a boulder and junk, you know, really heavy man! Hee hee hee, anyway, we gotta get under this boulder, right, but we gotta move it and stuff, you know? I couldn’t move it, so I doubt any of you could either, ya know? So this one Tenda, right, he’s strong and stuff, he could move it, yeah? But he’s shy and crap, so he won’t do it, so we gotta find some way to make them less shy, right?

Ness: WTF?

Exit Mouse: You should have some Espresso, Ness, the monkeys make good stuff!

Ness: Cool.

Paula: Well, we won’t find anything around here.

Jeff: But, but...

Paula: Yes, Jeff, we know about the Death Ray. (they head outside)

Receiver Phone: (receives a Phone (call))

Ness: Hello?

Apple Kid: Hey, Ness, it’s been awhile since we talked, and I’ve got this great new invent...(click)

Ness: (turns off the receiver phone) Take that, Apple Kid!! I don’t want your stupid pencil eraser!

Jeff: Hey, I thought Apple Kid exploded.

Exit Mouse: He probably did.

Poo: Wait, what?

Paula: Oh well, it prolly wasn’t important anyway.

Ness: Yeah, hee hee.

Receiver Phone: (rings again)

Ness: WHAT?

Orange Kid: Yo, Ness, it’s Orange Kid.

Ness: WTF? Why are you calling me?

Orange Kid: Well it so happens that Apple Kid was just kidnapped from Dr. Andonuts lab in Winters, along with the doctor, presumably.

Ness: Dang, we prolly should save Jeff’s dad...

Jeff: What about my dad, Ness?

Ness: He’s been kidnapped.

Jeff: Oh. Okay.

Orange Kid: Yeah, and Apple Kid has some book about overcoming shyness, tho’ I bet you don’t care.

Ness: Aw geeze...

Orange Kid: Yeah, I’m hanging up now. (hangs up)

Ness: Okay, we gotta go rescue Jeff’s dad and Apple Kid from some evil guys in Winters. Dr. Andonuts because he’s cool, and Apple Kid cuz he has a book we need to help the Tendas overcome their Shyness.

Paula, Jeff, Poo, and Exit Mouse: Okay. (they PSI Teleport B off to Winters)

Weird. Ness and Co. have braved the travels of Deep Darkness only to end up in some weird shy village of green things. And naturally, the only book of overcoming shyness is checked out by Apple Kid, who Ness really doesn’t like cuz of his stench and his Pencil Eraser. Oh well, off they go to Winters to discover the secret of Stonehenge or something! Yay! See ya in Part 23!