EB Rewrite Part 21:
Mobile Weapons Platform
Dungeon Man?
(a gust of wind whips dust around in a frenzy as our intrepid heroes continue further into the Scarabian desert, going...somewhere, they hope.)
Ness: (wiping his forehead on his sleave) Man, this desert sucks.
Paula: If we don’t get some shade soon, we’re gonna fry.
Exit Mouse: (busy frying some eggs in Paula’s fry pan) I’m surprised we’re not already.
Paula: Hey! That’s for, like, bashing things, not cooking!
Exit Mouse: (sticks his tongue out at her) Never used a fry pan, huh? No wonder you’re such a bad cook!
Paula: (advances on Exit Mouse) Care to repeat that, shorty?
Jeff: (with a large wet towler wrapped around his head, to keep his sunstroke attacks to just every three minutes) Hey, since when did any of us, let alone Paula, cook?
Ness: Calm down, guys, I see something up ahead!
Paula: Is it an oasis?
Jeff: I’d settle for some shade.
Exit Mouse: Or is it an army of pig-related bad guys?
Ness: Looks like a mountain, or a tower or something. It’s right there!
(about 50 ft in front of them stands a huge tower in the figure of a person. At the top of the "head" numerous cannons and artillary weapons poke out, armed and ready to cause destruction along with the missile racks, rocket launchers and heavy assult guns pointing outwards.)
Paula: Whoa.
Exit Mouse: Holy...
Jeff: Sweet, I want one!
(they aprehensively wander up to the right foot of the tower, looking around for any entrance)
Ness: I don’t see anything.
Jeff: There’s a keyhole right there!
Ness: Fine, I don’t see a key then.
Exit Mouse: We should take a break, anyway. (whips out 4 bottles of water and pours them into glasses) Paula, would you mind?
Paula: For once, no. (places her hands over the glasses, fingertips pointing down over the cups) PSI Freeze, icecubes! (small ice cubes form before her fingertips and drop into the water with a splash)
Jeff: That is sooooooo cool! (accepts his drink from Exit Mouse)
Ness: (pouting as he gets his drink) So what? If I wanted to, I could light bulbs with my PSI Flash.
Exit Mouse: Doesn’t help here, though, does it?
Paula: (shakes her head sadly as she sips her drink) That was the last of my psychic points however, and this water’s not enough for me to do it again or anything.
Jeff: (drops his drink on the ground) Aw...why’d you hafta say that?
Native-like guy with a spear: Pssst, hey kids, ya want to enter the tower?
Ness: Uh huh.
Native-like guy with a spear: Well now, here’s the thing, I’ve got this key, right? But it’s like, very important to me, but it like, you know, opens this tower and stuff.
Jeff: Could we borrow the key and open the tower?
Paula: Or you could open it for us!
Exit Mouse: We’re pretty flexible on the whole opening of the tower thing.
Native-like guy with a spear: ... well, no, I could let you buy it, for like, a few thousand dollars you see? I mean, I could part with it then.
Ness: Uh huh. THWACK!!!! (Ness calmly reaches over and rmoves the key from the man’s hand. He then removes his bat from the man’s face)
Native-like guy with a spear: Glad..to..make..a..deal.. (falls over, tamed)
Paula: Wow, you go Ness! (high fives him)
Jeff: Geeze, you’re getting evil Ness...and Paula! Get that Piggy Nose off your face!
Paula: (who’s still wearing the Piggy Nose from last Episode) No, oink!
(She and Ness both fall over laughing as Exit Mouse inserts the key into the hole. A small panal on the foot opens slowly, revealing a cave-like, yet lighted and AIR CONDITIONED interior!)
Ness and Co. : (who am I kidding, they’re already inside)
Ness: Whoever made this tower ROCKS!
Paula: (standing in front of a vent, grinning) Aaahhhwwwwoooo (and other random sounds of contentment)
Jeff: Whoever made this place is amazing, look, benches!
Exit Mouse: (reading a sign) "Welcome, you are inside of my body. ...Brickroad"
Ness: Weird.
Jeff: Hey, I remember Brickroad, he was this guy I met in Winters. He said something about wanting to become a "Dungeon Man" or something. Maybe this is it?
Paula: Oh, so he became a DM, huh?
Exit Mouse: Like a dungeon master?
Jeff: No, Dungeon Man!
Ness: We better explore and stuff, you know, the usual.
Paula: SLEEP FIRST!
Ness: Yeah (pats the bench) Good night, bench. (they fall asleep on the various benches lying around)
(happy wake up music plays)
Ness: (groaning) Where’s that blasted music coming from?
Jeff: (yawning) The PA system.
Paula: (standing in front of an air conditioner vent) This dungeon is sweet.
Voice: Yes it is, isn’t it?
Exit Mouse: GASP, the narrator!
Voice: Now I’m the narrator?
Jeff: Hold it, that’s Brickroad’s voice, coming over the PA.
Brickroad: Hm, yep. ...Brickroad
Ness: Hey, Brickroad! What are we s’posed to do?
Brickroad: Reach the top of the tower, then we’ll talk. ...Brickroad.
Ness: Kay-o, let’s go. (they go)
Paula: (runs forward) Look, presents!
Presents: (leap at her)
Paula: AHHHHH!!!!!!! (blows them away with PSI Fire Gamma)
Ness: (as a few protoplasms, mystical records and scalding hot espressos leap out of boxes to attack) It’s a bunch of old enemies! Blow them away casually!
Jeff: Can do. (blows a few away casually with his Heavy Bazooka)
Exit Mouse: Since when do you have a friggin Bazooka?
Jeff: Bench made a good worktable, and it’s HEAVY, mind you.
Paula: (blasts a few more baddies away) This seems rather pointless.
Brickroad: Whenever you make a dungeon, monsters always show up sooner or later. ...Brickroad
Ness: So that’s it. (smacks a mystical record away)
(They continue deeper into the Dungeon)
Exit Mouse: Come on guys, how long is it gonna take?
Paula: (inside the bathroom) We haven’t seen a bathroom since, like, Fourside!
Jeff: (inside the other bathroom) Yeah!
Exit Mouse: Geeze, what’s their problem?
Ness: (walking over to Exit from the nearby potted plant) Yeah, they’re weird.
Exit Mouse: ...
(and so, our heroes continue deeper into Dungeon Man’s, er, Dungeon, beating the weak enemies as they went and reaping the mediocre benefits of the various presents lying around that didn’t try to kill them)
Brickroad: Your first task is to reach the four ropes. ...Brickroad
Ness: (climbing a rope) We’re already there!
Brickroad: Whatever. ...Brickroad
Paula: (as they reach the second floor) Wow, the second floor.
Brickroad: You are now on the second floor of my body. ...Brickroad
Jeff: Um, yeah.
Paula: (suddenly trips over a present box) AGH!
Ness: (bashes the present box in) DIE, protoplasm!
Super Plush Bear: (pops out of the present box)
Ness: Huh?
Paula: (her eyes sparkling with delight as she gazes upon the most prized of possesions, the Super Plush Bear) MINE! (she shoves Ness out of the way)
Jeff: What’s with her?
Exit Mouse: She’s wearing a piggy nose, and squeezing a teddy bear while drooling on it. I’m not gonna question her.
Paula: (yeah, she’s doing exactly what Exit said. Odd.)
Ness: What about your other Teddy?
Paula: Now I have two, MUA HAHAHAHAHA! (stores the bear in her purse) Okay, I’m good, let’s go.
Brickroad: What is a dungeon? That is my eternal question. ...Brickroad
Jeff: Deep.
Ness: Like Buzz Buzz’s pockets?
Jeff: Uh huh...wait, who?
Lesser Mook: (shows up) Hiya.
Jeff: (blasts him with a big bottle rocket)
Lesser Mook: Ok, I can take a hint. (walks off)
Paula: Wow, you won. I think...
(they keep going, and going, and going, and then stop)
Exit Mouse: Another rope.
Ness, Paula, and Jeff: Yay. (they go up)
Brickroad: Wasn’t that a great item you just picked up? ...Brickroad
Ness: What item?
Jeff: Agh, confusion!
Brickroad: Well, I have been known to make mistakes. ...Brickroad
Paula: Sheesh.
Exit Mouse: AH, Mad ducks!!!!!!
Brickroad: They can be nice pets if they stay far away. ...Brickroad
Ness: True, I guess.
Jeff: (shudders) Gruff Goats.
Brickroad: A rather non-gruff kind of goat, actually. ...Brickroad
Jeff: What? Since when?
Paula: (reaches down and pets one of the goats) Good gruff goat.
Gruff Goat: ( ^_^ )
Ness and Exit Mouse: (pet the goats too. It’s good fun!)
Jeff: Hm. (reaches down and pets one of the goats)
Gruff Goat: (rams and tramples Jeff)
Jeff: (whimpering) Why me?
Ness: Cool, slimey little piles! (runs over to look at the piles)
Brickroad: Rather self-explanatory, don’t you think? ...Brickroad
Exit Mouse: Hey guys, I found the next rope!
Ness: Nothing to do but go up, I suppose.
Brickroad: "Good job, you finally made it!" There is a board upstairs that says that. ...Brickroad
Ness: Joy. (they go up.)
Bulletin Board: "Good job, you finally made it!" ...Brickroad
Paula: Cool, we’ve finally made it!
Exit Mouse: Good job.
Brickroad: (as they wander over to his face, up on the wall) That face is mine, feel free to talk to it. ...Brickroad
Exit Mouse: (whispering to Ness) Why does he keep saying "...Brickroad"?
Ness: Dunno.
Jeff: Hiya Brickroad!
Brickroad: Long time no see! Mr. Jeff, we met in Winters long ago. Dr. Andonuts finally made me Dungeon Man, the supreme ultimate weapons platform of death!!!!! MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Jeff: Cool.
Brickroad: Isn’t it though? Mind if I come along for awhile? I haven’t finished testing out all the systems yet.
Ness and Co. : SURE!
Brickroad: The "Return Hole" is over there. Jump in and get out!
Ness and Co. : Sure. (they jump in)
(Outside, the Dungeon Man’s mouth opens wide as Ness and Co. come flying out and head for the ground)
Ness: Awwww, now we’re gonna die!
Paula: Gosh Dangit!
Jeff: I honestly didn’t see this one coming.
Exit Mouse: Well, shi...(suddenly Dungeon Man’s arm reaches out and catches them. He slowly lowers his hand to the ground and they spill off)
Brickroad: (over the exterior PA system) Sorry about that! ...Brickroad
Ness: Oh yeah, whatever.
Paula: (gasping for air) Just let us, hu, get our, breaths back!
Jeff: I think I’m gonna pass out.
Ness: Okay, North led to Dungeon Man, so let’s go South!
Exit Mouse: Sounds like one of your normal stupid plans.
Jeff: I’m in, let’s go.
Paula: (giggling as she squeezes the Super Plush Bear) Whee! Oink!
Jeff: Stop that!
Ness: Hee hee.
Paula: Ha ha.
Exit Mouse: (as Ness and Paula roll on the ground in laughter) Yeesh.
(they head off down the Scarabian desert way, this time heading for the other end of the continent)
Ness: Oh no, Octobots!
Marauder Octobots: Growl!
Dungeon Man: (stomps his foot down, destroying the Marauder Octobots)
Jeff: Sweet.
Paula: I think I wanna get one too.
Ness: Now all we hafta do, is go through these really narrow trees!
Exit Mouse: Sounds simple enough. (they go through)
Dungeon Man: (gets caught in the trees)
Brickroad: Guargh! Oh no! The trees...sapping my strength! Can’t go on...getting weaker by the second! I must say goodbye friends, the palm trees have beaten me...
Palm Trees: Yay! (they start dancing)
Ness and Co. : No, Dungeon Man!
Ness: We’ll avenge you, or something!
High-Class UFOs: (a group of 20 or so flies in)
Jeff: Get ready, guys!
Paula and Ness: Gotcha!
Exit Mouse: (munching a jerky) Sure.
(suddenly dozens of blasts come from Dungeon Man’s weapons platform, totally destroying the UFOs)
Jeff: Whoa.
Ness: Yeah.
Brickroad: Hey, as long as you guys are around, I got yer back! ...Brcikroad
Native Looking Guy with a spear: (a different one?) Across the river is a scary place called Deep Darkness. Anyone who goes there dies a horrible, horrible death in the bottomless pits of sludge while being ripped to shreds by horrible swamp monsters. Do you want to cross the river and go to this terrible place, even though it’s the stupidest idea on the planet?
Ness: Yep.
Paula: Uh huh.
Jeff: Sounds like a plan.
Native looking guy etc. :: You’d need a submarine. (flies off)
Ness: Jeff, you go one of those?
Jeff: (checks his pockets) Nope.
Ness: Paula?
Paula: (shakes her head no)
Ness: (rummages in his backpack for awhile) Well, I don’t either.
Exit Mouse: Nope.
Brickroad: Hey, I have one! ...Brickroad
Ness: (as the gang gathers in front of Dungeon Man) Can we use it?
Brickroad: Sure, one moment! ...Brickroad (loud crashes are heard from inside) Ah, found it! ...Brickroad
Dungeon Man: (his mouth opens wide and a small yellow submarine slides out and crashes down onto the ground)
Ness: (standing inches from where it hit) Heh, heh...thanks.
Brickroad: The yellow color is purely coincidental. ...Brickroad
Ness and Co. : (they hop in the submarine as they slide it into the water) See ya, Brickroad!
Brickroad: (as the submarine slides of under the waves) ...Brickroad
That rocked. I mean, Brickroad is THE character in Earthbound. Oh yeah. But yeah, our heroes are heading into certain doom, from which it’s doubtful if they can survive, bearing in mind the fact they don’t even have the Hawk’s Eye which is like, needed and junk. It’s gonna be nuts, but Paula’ll finally be able to put that Piggy Nose to good use. YAY! See ya next time on EB Rewrite part 22: Trippin on Truffles.