EB Rewrite Part 20:
Kraken Fin Good!
Ness: (as the gang teleports into the middle of the street in Summers) Wow, we’ve finally reached Summers!
Jeff: We’ve been here, like, twice already.
Ness: I think I’d remember something like THAT, Jeff.
Paula: This place is getting boring, let’s go to Scaraba!
Poo: Why? That place is very dangerous.
Paula: Not as dangerous as here!
Poo: What do you mean? (is hit by a car)
Paula: (as she, Jeff, and Ness drag Poo out of the street) Stuff like that happens!
Poo: OwWowW... (lifeups himself)
Exit Mouse: Well, we better get to the Port of Toto then, since we saved that one guy’s wife from insanity on a cult-like level, he should take us on his boat.
Ness: Hey Poo, do you want to "equip" yourself while we’re here in Summers?
Jeff: Yeah, we got some awesome stuff here, last time.
Ness: Really?
Poo: No thanks, I have the Bracer of Kings!
Paula: What...is it exactly?
Poo: A bracer, silly.
Paula: Gotcha...
Poo: Anyway, my Sensei said to only equip stuff that a king or a prince would equip. So, no.
Ness: Aw, I’d still feel better if ya had a weapon or something...
Paula: (whispering to Jeff) It would sure make him less worthless in battle.
Jeff: (grinning, as he whispers back) You’d think that, wouldn’t you?
Ness: Here ya go! (hands Poo his Combat Yo-Yo) That Yo-yo’s a great weapon, you can use it if ya like!
Exit Mouse: How would you know? You’ve never used it in battle!
Ness: Maybe I did, once...(stares off into space, thinking)
Poo: Wow, Ness, you’re such a great friend! What is it exactly?
Ness: It’s a Yo-yo, you swing it around and whack enemies, it’ll be easier than using your fists!
Poo: Thank you Ness! (bows) I shall use it well!
Paula: Okay, now we go!
(they go)
Captain: Thanks to you, my wife woke up!
Ness: I guess you can look at it that way...
Poo: Wait, who is this man? And where did we wake up his wife?
Paula: (smacks Poo) You weren’t there, dummy.
Captain: If you’re courageous, get on my boat! It may sink from the weight, or the holes, or the Kraken killing us! I may also get seasick, causing me to lose control of the boat and send us careening off into the unknown, eventually coming to rest on a desert island, where bloodthirsty natives will eat us alive, all the while worshiping my very own boat! It’ll only risk you your life, and you got that for free! Luck will determine the outcome of THIS voyage!
Ness: (didn’t pay attention at all) Uh huh, can we go now?
Poo: Luck, we have a lot of that! (a cat suddenly falls on Poo’s head, biting and clawing at his face) AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paula: Yeah, you’re really lucky, Poo.
Jeff: Where the heck did that cat come from?
Exit Mouse: I’m not going near it, your own your own Poo.
Captain: $20 per person is fine with me.
Ness: Well, $10 per person is fine with ME.
Captain: Okay. (they all get on the boat)
Jeff: Hey Poo, what happened to your cat?
Poo: Ow...(tries PSI lifeuping his wounds)
Paula: Bye bye, Kitty! (she hurls the kitty off the boat and back onto the dock.)
Kitty: Fsst Fsst.
Captain: OFF WE GO!
Ness’ log, stardate: 1337 (according to Jeff)
Day 1: We are in high spirits, the day is bright and the sea is calm. We’re making great time! No sign of the Kraken yet, but we’re keeping watch for it, when we’re not playing SSBM below decks...I rock with Pichu.
Day 4: We tried playing poker, but we all thought each other was cheating, and we ended up blowing up the table, and most of below decks. Luckily we found that Exit had thought to gather up the money beforehand and save it for us...under his bed...
Day 9: This trip is taking longer than expected, we really wish we had brought some food along.
Day 13: We’re almost out of things to do, our latest game involves trying to blow things away on any island we pass by. Paula’s the champ so far, what with the fire and all, but Jeff’s bottle rockets go pretty far. And they make BIG explosions!
Day 26: Didn’t get to write in you for awhile, ya see, Paula was complaining about not having anywhere to take a bath...so we threw her overboard. Yeah, seemed funny at the time, but when she got back on board...ouch. That was like, day 15 or something...ow...
Day 28: Nothing’s happened today...
Jeff: Holy carp, it’s the Kraken!
Okay, the Kraken just showed up...
Paula: (as Ness arrives on deck) Nice of you to show up, Ness.
Ness: Wow.
Kraken: (its head raised above the water 100 ft or more, the beast shoots towards the tiny boat, rearing its head back to strike with flaming doom upon our heroes.)
Exit Mouse: Incoming! (dives behind Jeff)
Kraken: (opens wide its maw of destruction and lets loose with a temendous blast of fire...the goes right over the boat)
Jeff: Huh?
Captain: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Paula: It just missed us!
Ness: Well it doesn’t have any eyes, ya know.
Kraken: (starts generating tornados that spin off into the sea)
Exit Mouse: Now that’s just sad.
Jeff: He’s nowhere near us!
Poo: (suddenly appears) I’ll stop the Kraken! (he spins the combat yo-yo madly, and whacks himself in the face with it)
Paula: Ouch.
Ness: Keep at it, Poo! You’re getting better!
Jeff: He’s out cold.
Exit Mouse: Speaking of cold...Paula, would you mind? (nods towards the Kraken)
Paula: Gotcha. (Fires a blast of PSI Freeze Omega at the Kraken)
Kraken: (frozen solid, it sinks beneath the waves)
Paula: I win, MY EXP! Hahahahaha!
Ness: Dangit, she’s right!
Jeff: Aw geeze.
Paula: Hahahahahaha...(is suddenly hit in the head with a slipper) What the?
Captain: I threw my slippers at the beast...they didn’t make it.
Paula: (her eyes glow red) You know who else isn't going to make it?
Ness: (holding her back) No Paula, we need him to drive the ship!
Jeff: Sure.
(they arrive in Scaraba, like 5 minutes later)
Ness: (looking around the marketplace) Wow, this place is kewl!
Jeff: (whining) Why’s it so hot here...?
Exit Mouse: Helloooooo! It’s like a freakin’ desert here!
Poo: (who has indeed regained consciousness) Yeah, it’s a bit busier than I remember it.
Ness: Wait, you’ve been here before?
Poo: I think I mentioned it, or something.
Jeff: So, you could’ve, teleported us here, right?
Poo: Yep.
Exit Mouse, Ness, and Jeff: (sigh)
(suddenly a loud explosion is heard from the shore)
Paula: (comes skipping over) I hope you guys didn’t want a return trip, hee hee.
Ness: Wow, that was pretty evil.
Paula: Yeah.
Ness: Okay, then we go now, to the Sphynx, right?
Exit Mouse: After we buy things with the shinies!
Jeff: Yes, after we buy things with the shinies.
Paula: Sweet.
(they buy things with the shinies)
Poo: I’ve got some water for us.
Exit Mouse: I got the food! (holds up a box of beef jerkys)
Poo: I can’t eat that stuff...
Exit Mouse: Then use your lifeup, boy. (gnaws on a jerky)
Ness: Here, Paula, I got this for you! (tosses her the detachable rubber Piggy Nose)
Paula: WOW! (puts on the Piggy Nose) How do I look?
Ness: You look great!
Paula: Hee hee! Oink!
(They both fall over, laughing)
Jeff: You guys are messed up.
Ness: (wiping a tear away) Okay then, hahahaha, Jeff, what did you get?
Paula: Hee hee, yeah?
Jeff: THIS! (he whips out the broken cannon) THE BROKEN CANNON!
Ness and Paula: ...
Exit Mouse: What the heck?
Jeff: I bet I could turn it into something cool!
Ness: Riiight.
Poo: (standing over by the exit of the city) Here, we can leave town through this gate.
Ness: (leading them through the desert towards the pyramids a short distance from the city) Wow, this is a lot easier than our last desert trek.
Jeff: Yeah, we’re not being attacked by weird flying things constantly.
Weird Flying Thing: (swoops down and rams into Jeff’s head)
Jeff: ACK!
Exit Mouse: (reading the player’s guide) Careful guys, these are High-Class UFOs!
Paula: That one with the bow looks pretty beautiful to me.
Ness: They’re...Pink... (bashes High Class UFO A)
High Class UFO B: (fires a few beams at Poo)
Ness: Careful, they’ve got shields! (finishes off his UFO)
Poo: Thanks for the warning! (bounces off the High Class UFO B) owwww.
Paula: (sighs and blows apart the UFO with PSI Freeze Gamma) There.
Jeff: (Blasts the bow off of the Beautiful UFO)
Beautiful UFO: (explodes)
Exit Mouse: That wasn’t so bad. (they continue on towards the Sphynx)
Ness: Cool, we’re almost to the Sphynx!
Jeff: I have sunstroke again, Ness.
Ness: (sighs) Again?
Jeff: Yep.
Paula: Sheesh.
Poo: Aren’t these pyramids fascinating?
Great Crested Booka: (suddenly leaps off the top of a nearby pyramid and tackles Poo)
Poo: ARGH! (starts bashing at the Booka’s head)
Jeff: Should we help him?
Paula: Nah, he needs the exp.
Ness: Go, Poo! Use the Combat yo-yo!
Poo: You’re right! (swings the yo-yo at the Booka’s head)
Great Crested Booka: (smacks the yo-yo back into Poo’s face)
Poo: Owww!(gets tangled in the combat yo-yo’s string) Ah! Help!
Jeff: (blows the Great Crested Booka away with a big bottle rocket) Fine, there ya go, Poo.
Poo: Many thanks, Jeff.
Jeff: Yeah, I know.
Exit Mouse: (standing in front of the Spynx) Okay, now what?
Paula: We dance?
Ness: Sounds like a plan.
Sphynx: Are you a thief, a warrior, or one who has come to see my master?
Ness: Uh, none of the above.
Sphynx: Figure it out then, I can wait!
Ness: Uh...
Paula: (dancing with Jeff and Exit Mouse) Hey, we’re dancing here, let us in!
Poo: Well, according to the hieroglyphs, I think we do, this! (steps on the conspicuous switches that no one noticed in a star pattern)
Sphynx: Okay then, enter warriors!
Ness: You heard the big talking cat/guy thing, CHARGE! (they run into the now open Pyramid)
Paula: Hey, it goes up! (they run up the stairs)
Jeff: Whoa, it goes down! (they run down the stairs)
Poo: (they’re still running) Hey guys, did anyone else notice that we haven’t faced any resistance at all inside this pyramid?
Exit Mouse: What are we supposed to be fighting?
Poo: Uh, you know, mummies and such.
Fierce Shattered man: (shows up) BLARGH!
Ness: Dangit, Poo!
Poo: I shall destroy him, with the yo-yo! (hurls himself at the FSM)
Fierce Shattered Man: (smacks Poo away)
Poo: Noooooooooo! (the yo-yo goes flying off and explodes against the wall)
Ness: Geeze, you’re paying for that!
Paula: Forget that, just get him! (she smacks the FMS)
Jeff: (ducks under the FMS’ punch and blows its arm off with his crusher beam)
Ness: (vaporizes what’s left with PSI Rockin Beta)
Exit Mouse: Sheesh, Ness, don’t you have Gamma level yet?
Ness: (whimpering) Noooooo.
Jeff: (as they reach the bottom of the stairs finally) Hey guys, it’s another thingy!
Exit Mouse: Must be a petrified royal guard, we should’a fought some by now.
Paula: A what?
Guardian General: DIE! (swings his arms around, smacking Ness and Paula into the walls)
Jeff: Eat death, guard guy! (unleashes a few bottle rockets on the Guardian General)
Guardian General: (charges into Jeff, hurling him back up the stairs)
Paula: PSI Freeze Omega! (blasts the Guardian General with an arctic blast of PSI power)
Guardian General: (solidifies)
Poo: (punches the Guardian General) AGH! My hand!
Ness: Yeah! (blows the Guardian General into dust with a SMAAAASH of his bat)
Exit Mouse: (runs into the next room and presses a switch) There!
Ness and Co. (stand around for a few seconds)
Ness: Nothing happened...
Exit Mouse: Yep, this sucks. (they slowly make their way back up the stairs)
Paula: (mumbling) we fought a boss for that?
Jeff: Go figure, huh?
Exit Mouse: It WAS a very satisfying button push, though.
Poo: Hey, look up ahead! The coffin’s moved!
Ness: (looking down the uncovered hole) Yep.
Exit Mouse: Using my superior exiting skillz, I say we JUMP (shoves them down the hole and leaps after)
Ness: Ow...hey, the Hawk Eye!
Paula: Let’s get it and go!
(They get it and go)
Poo: Okay, we’ve only got this long hallway ahead of us, then we’re free!
Paula: Sounds simple enough.
Ness: Long, awwww.
Jeff: Waitaminute, what’s that up ahead?
Paula: Huh?
Poo: They look almost like paper thin, evil things standing sideways, so as to not attract our attention!
Ness: Gasp, 2-D sprites of doom!
Exit Mouse: "Paper Earthbound" WTF?
Lethal Asp Hieroglyphs and Guardian Hieroglyphs: (about 100 or so turn sideways, revealing themselves)
Paula: Aw crap.
Jeff: Weird.
Ness: Wait, they’re just like paper! (pushes a few over) Come on!
Exit Mouse: (sneezes, blowing a few hieroglyphs away)
Ness and Co. (shove the hieroglyphs aside as they run for the door)
Guardian Hieroglyph: Ha, they’re running!
Hieroglyphs lying scattered across the floor: (weakly) Yeah! We win!
Ness: (dives out of the pyramid) Boy is it great to be outside!
Jeff: (walks outside) GAH, I have heatstroke!
Paula: (shoves Jeff out of the way) Shoot, not more desert!
Poo: What do we do now?
Star Master: (flies down from the sky) Come, Poo, you must train if you wish to reach the next level!
Poo: Yeah, I need more exp.
Star Master: No, no exp. In fact, you’ll probably be weaker than everyone else when you get back.
Poo: But, I already AM weaker!
Ness, Paula, and Jeff: Yeah.
Exit Mouse: By a lot!
Star Master: Meh. (grabs Poo and flies off)
Ness: Dang, Poo was holding my skip sandwich for me.
Paula: And the Hawk’s Eye.
Exit Mouse: Crap.
Jeff: Well, he should be back by the time we figure out how to get to Deep Darkness, right guys?
Ness: Yeah.
Paula: Hopefully.
Exit Mouse: I think we better wander aimlessly for awhile...
(they set off into the desert...again...but it’s a different desert this time...sorta)
Hm, there goes Poo, off on some insane adventure or something for no reason. Can this weird old guy actually help Poo become stronger? Or is it even more pointless than that? And what of Ness and Co. who are still wandering about the desert, having no idea of what they should do or anything? Will our heroes ever figure out a good plan for once? No, no they won’t. See ya next time, on EB Rewrite Part 21: Mobile Weapons Platform- Dungeon Man