EB Rewrite Part 18:

What’s With All These Bosses?

Ness: You said he’d have trouble adapting to Western cuisine!

Jeff: Well that’s sorta true.

Paula: He DOES seem to need a lot more food than we do, maybe that’s it.

Exit Mouse: He’s my kinda guy, sees what he wants, and then eats it.

Poo: (starting on his twentieth double burger) SO DELICIOUS!

Exit Mouse: He does have weird stuff in his pockets though, check out what I stole! (Shows the contents of Poo’s pockets: A bowl of rice gruel somehow intact, delisauce, a tiny ruby, the brain stone that may or may not be useful…)

Ness: Exit, stealing is wrong! (Grabs the stuff and gives it back to Poo)

Poo: DELISAUCE! (Dumps the delisauce onto his Kraken soup and eats the whole thing)

Exit Mouse: (sniffs) Not fair, I stole that myself...

Paula: (pulls the tiny ruby out of the pile) Hey, remember that guard person who wanted a bribe?

Jeff: Yeah.

Exit Mouse: Yep.

Ness: Uh...

Poo: I shouldn’t, but yes, I do.

Paula: (holds the tiny ruby up triumphantly) We could bribe her with this ruby! Then we could see that top secret exhibit in the museum!

Poo: Are you saying we should pawn off an ancient heirloom of my house just so we can see an exhibit that may have nothing to do with anything at all?

Paula: (already on the steps of the museum) Are you coming or not?

Ness: (whispers to Poo) Best to let it go, ok?

Jeff: (nudges Poo) We can’t have you getting killed by Paula on the first day, can we?

Exit Mouse: Be glad it’s not something important...

Poo: If Paula is as powerful and INSANELY evil as you say so, why does she not destroy us now and take Giygas on herself?

Ness: Quiet, she’ll hear you!

Jeff: That’s my number one fear, Poo.

Exit Mouse: (reading the player’s guide) Be glad she doesn’t know she has a pray command yet.

Ness: What do you mean, Exit?

Exit Mouse: (coughs nervously) Never mind. (they follow Paula into the museum)

Paula: (throws the tiny ruby at the guard) In we go!

Guard: SHINY! (leads them inside)

Coffins: (start moving towards them)

Ness: Is that normal?

Guard: Probably some type of learning experience, right?

Shattered Men: (one jumps out of each coffin) GWAR!

Paula: (blasts one with PSI Freeze Gamma) Eat freeze, mummy!

Poo: (blasts the same one with PSI Freeze Beta) I agree!

Shattered Man: (somehow shatters more)

Ness: (bashes the other one a few times) Die, mummy!

Jeff: (blows off the shattered man’s arm) Free mummy wrap!

Shattered Man "2": (is defeated)

Ness: Hey Paula, I thought you said you just learned PSI Fire Gamma level.

Paula: Tee hee, I did! I forgot I already had PSI Freeze Gamma level from back in the Dusty Dunes Desert gold mine.

Jeff: You never mentioned it was Gamma level.

Paula: Funny, huh?

Ness: (whimpering) Two Gamma level attacks! Not fair!

Poo: You think we should maybe READ these hieroglyphs we came in here to see?

Ness and Co.:: Sure, read away.

Poo: (ahem) "To fight against the invaders, we built this pyramid fortress. However, our efforts were futile, and we lost. Nonetheless, our pyramid was protected by the gods of Scaraba. The invaders will be reborn every millennium and will attack again. Even now, the invaders hide beyond space and time and build their evil stronghold. A place out of time is beyond the Dark, and is even farther beyond the Lost Underworld. The Deep Darkness is shrouded, it is without light. Only one with the Hawk eye can pierce the dark. The Sphinx now watches over everything, waiting for the coming of a truly brave hero.

1

4 3

2 5

Dance in front of the Sphinx!"

Ness: OH...kay...

Paula: Okay, all I remember is "Dance in front of the Sphinx!"

Jeff: It was clear enough, it said to beat our enemy, Giygas, we must go beyond the Lost Underworld, to a place out of time.

Exit Mouse: And to get beyond Deep Darkness, we need the Hawk eye from the Scaraba pyramid.

Ness and Paula: Oh.

Ness: So going "Out of time" is plausible to you?

Jeff: Eh, why not?

Poo: (suddenly looks up from the hieroglyphs) Ness! Let’s go to Scaraba. The pyramid is the key!

Paula: (sighs) That’s what I’ve been saying since we got here!

Exit Mouse: We just found out about the pyramid five seconds ago from the hieroglyphs.

Paula: Maybe YOU did.

Ness: Well, if it involves beating up stuff and defeating Giygas, then let’s do it!

(they charge down to the first floor of the museum and rush for the door, intent to go to Scaraba as soon as possible)

Telephone: (rings)

Ness: (picks it up) Hello?

Jeff: Ness! Isn’t that illegal!

Paula: (smacks him) He’s on the phone, quiet!

Poo: (whispers) That wasn’t very nice, Paula.

Paula: (smacks him too) I SAID QUIET!

Mr. Spoon: (over the phone to Ness) Is this Mr. Fork of the Scaraba Cultural Museum?

Ness: Uh, sure!

Mr. Spoon: It doesn’t sound like you...

Ness: How would YOU know?

Mr. Spoon: Whatever, I’ll quickly tell you my story ‘cause I’m busy, busy, busy!

Ness: Sounds like you’re bus...

Mr. Spoon: I found something so extraordinary that mere words could not do it justice.

Ness: What is it?

Mr. Spoon: MERE WORDS CAN NOT DO IT JUSTICE! Weren’t you listening to me?

Ness: Uh...um...who is this?

Mr. Spoon: What do you mean, "Who am I"? Don’t you recognize my voice?

Ness: You didn’t recognize mine!

Mr. Spoon: Fair enough, Fork, it’s me, Mr. Spoon from the Fourside Museum of Natural History! I’m not exaggerating this find! It’s outrageous! (click)

Ness: (hangs up the phone) That sounds cool! Let’s go to Fourside!

Paula, Jeff, Poo, and Exit Mouse: WHAT?

Ness: Something cool was found at the museum, let’s go check it out!

Paula: What happened to "Let’s go to Scaraba to save the planet?"

Jeff: Hey, Scaraba will still be there, let’s go to Fourside!

Exit Mouse: Yeah, woo!

Poo: What the heck is going on? What’s a Fourside?

Ness: (leads them outside) Too late, you’ll find out soon enough! (they PSI Teleport A off down the street and shoot to Fourside)

Ness and Co.: (screech to a halt in Fourside park)

Jeff: What the heck? Where’d all these gigantic buildings come from?

Paula: Montoli’s building used to be the tallest, now it’s one of the shortest!

Poo: I agree.

Ness: Cool huh? It’s perpetually night!

Exit Mouse: It’s all the influence of Super Smash Brothers Melee! THEY did this! (Ness and Co. walk into the Fourside Museum)

Ness: (tries to walk past the main desk)

Ticket Lady: (dives out and grabs Ness’ arm) Hey, you! You have to pay five bucks per person to get in here!

Poo: MASTER!!!!!! (blasts the ticket lady with brainshock A)

Ticket Lady: Brain...like...noodles! (falls over, unconscious)

Paula: Hey, Poo, brainshocking people is wrong! Right, Ness?

Ness: Cool, thanks Poo. (they walk into the museum)

Paula: Wow...this place is even worse than the Summers Museum.

Jeff: Apparently the only natural history is dinosaurs.

Photographer guy: (flies down from the sky) Time for picture! Say, "fuzzy pickles!"

Ness: (yawning)

Paula: (smacking Jeff for some reason)

Jeff: (is being smacked for saying "This museum is cool")

Poo: (looking the other direction)

Exit Mouse: (has his head in a bag of fries)

Photographer guy: <click> What a great picture! It will always bring back the fondest of memories! (flies off through the skylight)

Ness: (leads them over to some guy wearing a toga) Uh, can you tell us where Mr. Spoon is?

Mr. Spoon: (we still don’t know why he’s wearing a toga) It’s me, of course, don’t you remember me, Mr. Fork?

Ness: Uh, I’m not Mr. Fork.

Mr. Spoon: You sound like you did on the phone.

Ness: Ok, I am then.

Mr. Spoon: You DO look different though...

Paula: (smacks him) What did you want to show us!?

Mr. Spoon: Uh...first you have to get an autograph of Venus, the new singer at the Topolla theater for me. Then we’ll talk.

Ness and Co.: Aw... (they wander outside)

Jeff: We feared her singing last time, now we must fear it again.

Paula: Maybe the Runaway Five will show up...

Ness: (scribbling on a piece of pizza) Maybe we can forge the signature…

Poo: What are we doing and where are we going?

Exit Mouse: HERE! (leads them into the Topolla theater)

Ness: (as they pile into the theater after getting a ticket) The show’s about to start!

Venus: (sings her boring and annoying song)

Mr. Spoon: (somehow appears and hurls himself onto the stage)

Bodyguards: (beat the snot out of him and hurl him out a conspicuously placed window)

Venus: (finishes her song and walks offstage)

Ness and Jeff: (holding their ears) Ow...

Paula: (banging her head with her fry pan) Is it over?

Exit Mouse: (crunching something) We need her autograph!

Poo: Was that a song or something? (they head backstage)

Venus: Aren’t I cute?

Ness: Uh...you’re much prettier than your voice!

Venus: Aren’t you little kids sweet!

Paula: (muttering) I’ll show her...sweet.

Venus: You want my autograph? (she rummages through the garbage can for a minute) Okay, I’ll give you my autograph on this banana peel. (throws them the peel)

Paula: (takes it) Thanks...I think.

Venus: Here’s an extra bonus! (SMACKS Ness)

Ness: OW! What’d I DO?

Venus: That was a kiss!

Ness: Then why’d it freaking hurt so much?

Paula: I thought she headbutted you.

Ness: (stumbles out of the theater) To the museum! (wanders towards the desert)

Paula and Co.: (drag Ness into the museum)

Paula: (shoves the autographed banana into Mr. Spoon’s hands) Here ya go!

Mr. Spoon: Th...th...thanks... (passes out and falls to the floor)

Jeff: He sure does look injured.

Exit Mouse: Funny that.

Poo: (checks behind the door that Mr. Spoon was guarding) It’s...a hole.

Jeff: (looks into the hole) Actually, it appears to be an entrance to the Fourside sewer system.

Ness: Hey, my Sound Stone’s vibrating! (the Sound Stone suddenly flies out of Ness’ yellow backpack and zooms off down into the sewers)

Exit Mouse: Follow that Sound Stone! (dives into the sewers)

Ness and Co.: Why not? (they dive in after Exit) Eeewww. (they seem to have landed in some brown watery stuff)

Paula: Geeze, now my dress looks like a certain tricolored ice cream.

Poo: Wow, sewers are cool.

Exit Mouse: (looking around) Cowabunga?

Filthy Attack Roach: (pops out from under the group) BZZ!

Ness: (stands up in the water and draws his bat) All right!

Paula: (pours the water out of her fry pan) Time to clean house.

Jeff: (wipes his gun off) Time to rock and roll.

Poo: (has no weapon to draw) I wish I had a catch phrase of some kind.

Exit Mouse: (munches a croissant) I wish they did too.

Ness: (bashes the Filthy Attack Roach)

Filthy Attack Roach: (knits its brow)

Paula: (kicks it)

Filthy Attack Roach: (is tamed)

Exit Mouse: (as a bunch of deadly rodents start heading for the group) Cool, mice!

Deadly Rodent: (claws Exit)

Exit Mouse: COOL OVER! (kicks the deadly mouse through the sewer wall)

Poo: (smacks a few Deadly Mice away) I suggest we move deeper into the sewers

Paula: (takes a step forward and disappears from view)

Poo: Oops, some kind of sinkhole or something.

Jeff: Uh, I’d run Poo.

Paula: (comes flying out of the water getting attacked by Stinky Ghosts) POO!

Poo: AHHH!!!!! (runs off with Paula and some Stinky Ghosts chasing and beating him)

Jeff: Ness, we’re in trouble. (blasts another Deadly Mouse away)

Ness: Actually, Paula and Poo seem to be cutting a pretty good path.

Paula: (boots Poo into the next tunnel) DIE!

Ness and Jeff: (shrug and follow)

Stinky Ghost: (grins)

Jeff: (blasts it away)

Stinky Ghost: (melts into thin air, still grinning)

Deadly Mouse: (bites Jeff)

Jeff: GAH! (flings it off) There’s more here!

Ness: (grabs Jeff and dives into a room)

Jeff: Ow, I landed on a filthy attack roach!

Ness: (opens a trash can) Cool, a bazooka! I wonder why?

Jeff: (drooling) MINE! (grabs the bazooka) Finally! After all this time, my day has come. I must fix it!

Ness: We better check on Paula and Poo first, they may be in trouble...

Paula and Poo: (from outside the room) DOUBLE THUNDER ATTACK!

(loud explosions and such)

Ness and Jeff: (jump out of the room) Wow.

Paula: Hee hee, (steps over a few crumpled and broken trash cans lying in the water) Pretty good for a double blast of thunder beta.

Poo: We forgot we were underground...

Exit Mouse: (pops out of a trash can with a croissant in hand) Uh guys, what that? (points to the shining spot)

Plague Rat of Doom: (as Ness and Co. approach) This is the uh...next...sanctuary, but it’s mine now. Take it from me, if you can!

Ness: Uh, Mr. Rat of Doom, did you happen to see my Sound Stone pass by? It was flying at the time.

Plague Rat of Doom: YOUR stone was the rock that almost took my head off when it shot around down here?

Ness: Uh, yeah.

Plague Rat of Doom: DIE! (bites Ness)

Ness: Ouch! (starts smacking PRoD with his bat)

Paula and Poo: (double blast the PRoD with PSI Freeze attacks)

Plague Rat of Doom: (bites Jeff with his poisonous fangs)

Jeff: Ack! I’ve been poisoned!

Ness: I’ll heal you in a minute, Jeff! (tries to pull himself out of the PRoD’s jaws)

Jeff: (lights a pack of bottle rockets and fires them into the PRoD) Eat bottled DOOM, rat!

Plague Rat of Doom: (is blown backwards into the wall)

Ness: Yay! (pops out of the PRoD’s jaws and lands in the water) Eew.

Paula: (places her wrists together, palms forward towards the PRoD) Time for a really really ultra funktastic PSI Freeze/PSI Fire gamma level attack!

Poo: Can she do that?

Exit Mouse: (starting on his fourth croissant) I’m not gonna argue with her.

Paula: (focuses a blue-red blasts of psychic energy in her hands) Catch this, doom rat! (fires the flaming blast of icy psychic power straight into the Plague Rat of Doom)

Plague Rat of Doom: (Grins as he is horribly tamed by the psychic blast)

Paula: Oh yeah, I rock. (does the victory/peace thing) Yay!

Exit Mouse: Easy, right?

Ness, Jeff, and Poo: (weakly) Yeah, easy...

(They head up the ladder and out of the sewers)

Jeff: Wow, who would’ve thought a vacant lot right here in Fourside?

Exit Mouse: Wouldn’t there be a building here by now?

Poo: Maybe not, look!

Sound Stone: (hopping up and down in front of the Magnet Hill)

Ness: (holds up the Sound Stone and it records the melody of Magnet Hill) I agree, we do rock.

Exit Mouse: (opens a chest that’s lying nearby for some reason) Hey, it’s a carrot shaped key!

Jeff: I wonder what it’s for.

Ness: Probably some type of iron carrot statue...

Poo: I don’t know why, but I know where this key goes. It goes to the rabbit statues located in my home country of Dalaam.

Paula: Is that the whole explanation?

Poo: Yeah.

Exit Mouse: We better go there then.

Jeff: Aw, another side trip before Scaraba?

Paula: (smacks Jeff) I thought you didn’t want to go!

Poo: I’m pretty sure the cave is guarded by evil monsters too.

Ness: (groans) Not ANOTHER boss!

Exit Mouse: (checks the player’s guide) ‘Fraid so.

Ness, Paula, and Jeff: Aw man.

Poo: Don’t worry, I’ll teleport us to Dalaam right now with my Teleport Beta!

Ness: Whoa, we can’t teleport from here, Poo!

Poo: I’ve already teleported from indoors to somewhere I’ve never been before, I think I can handle this.

Poo: (starts them running in a circle) Next stop, Dalaa...(WHAM)

Ness: Even I’ve never done that!

Paula: Ow, we’re all covered in black burnt stuff!

Jeff: That wall really hurt when we were trying to break the light barrier.

Exit Mouse: Try again, Poo?

Poo: (coughing) Just let me PSI lifeup a bit first...