EB Rewrite Part 17: Moo training!

Surfer Dude: I’m telling you, officer, there were these kids and their leader had a red cap on!

Police Guy: So you said they threw some monster thingies at you and they destroyed your car?

Surfer Dude: Yeah! Then they got fingerprints on it!

Skyrunner: (hurtles down from the sky and explodes after hitting the beach)

Ness: (as he, Paula, and Jeff come hurtling out of the fiery remains of the Skyrunner) That was all your fault, Paula!

Jeff: Yeah, why’d you have to press that button!

Paula: It wasn’t the button, you flew into a plane!

Jeff: Oh, so now I was the one driving, huh!?

Surfer Dude: That’s them, officer!

Police Guy: (approaces Ness and Co.) Kids, could I ask you a few questions?

Ness: (bashes him in the head)

Police Guy: Down I go. (falls unconscious)

Ness: Sheesh, even in Summers we get attacked by these crooked cops!

Jeff: Uh, aren’t they normally a weird shade of blue when they fight us?

Paula: And don’t they normally "return to normal" not, "get knocked out"?

Ness: Yeah, odd huh? Hey Jeff, how’s the ole’ Skyrunner?

Jeff: It looks beyond repair.

Paula: So...we have to wait for some strangers to show up and fix it again?

Jeff: Yes.

Ness: Hey, why’d we come to Summers anyway?

Jeff: Because some evil guy told us to, duh.

Paula: Hey, he only USED to be evil!

Exit Mouse: (looks around) I’m hungry, let’s get something to eat and check around. I’m sure we’ll find something important to do.

Ness: What about all your food, Exit?

Exit Mouse: I stored it in the Skyrunner’s storage bin, but it got exploded.

Jeff: Hey, the Skyrunner didn’t have any storage bin. Only an engine access hatch…

Paula: (Grabs Jeff) Come on, we’re going already!

(After a short wait at the restaurant’s walk-thru window)

Ness: (coming out of the restaurant) Wow, such speedy service!

Jeff: I don’t get it, was that a restaurant or a fast food place?

Exit Mouse: Quit whining and drink your Kraken fin soup out of your Styrofoam cup!

Paula: (gagging) This chef’s special is a little too special for me!

Ness: Let’s check out the museum, I bet there’s mummies!

Exit Mouse: (grabs Ness’ ATM card) Hey Ness, while you guys do that, I’ll get you the latest fighting gear!

Ness: Gee Exit, that’s really nice...

Exit Mouse: (cackles and runs off)

Jeff: The store’s in the other direction...

Ness: He’ll figure it out, let’s go inside!

Paula: (as they head for the second floor) Did anyone else notice that the caskets look like the training pots?

Jeff: Those crazy Scarabians...

Ness: I’m sure it was useful to conserve space, right?

Guard: This room is being remodeled so I can’t show it to you.

Ness and Co.: Awwwwwww.

Guard: I do, however, like jewlery.

Paula: (mutters) Wuss...

Guard: Perhaps a little, shall we say, "under the table deal" would be in order...

Jeff: Got any jewelry, Paula?

Paula: (smacks Jeff) No.

Ness: Oh well, it was probably something dumb anyway (they head outside)

Jef: Hey, it’s Exit! (It’s Exit)

Exit Mouse: (tosses them each a lucky coin) They’re lucky!

Ness: Cool!

Jeff: That means safer, right?

Exit Mouse: Sure. (throws Ness a bat) You can have the new big league bat too!

Ness: OOH, BAT!!!! (starts examining it)

Exit Mouse: (chuckles to himself)

Ness: Oh yeah, can I have my ATM card back?

Exit Mouse: (mutters) Dang. (hands Ness back the ATM card)

Paula: This place is boring, let’s go to Scaraba!

Ness: We’ll have to find a ship, I guess. (they wander into the Port of Toto)

Captain: I’d give you a ride, but I’m not sending any ships out now, I’m too worried about my wife spending too much time at some club...

Jeff: The Stoic Club, right?

Captain: Probably.

Ness: Oh well, I doubt we can get into an important club like that...

Captain: You need reservations, and a special phone number to call them in!

Ness: Let’s give up.

Paula: No. We’re getting in that club! All we have to do is find someone with the number and beat it out of them! (starts running into different buildings)

Exit Mouse: This is going to get messy.

Ness: Oh well. (drinks some soup) I can wait.

Paula: (emerges from a building) Got it! They gave up the number really easily.

Jeff: Is that house on fire?

Paula: (grabs Ness, Jeff, and Exit) No time to talk, let’s get to the club! (they screech to a halt in front of the Club Stoic)

Exit Mouse: Any faster and you’ll be doing PSI Teleport, Paula!

Ness: She wishes.

Paula: PSI Teleport? What are you talking about?

Ness: Oh yeah, you weren’t there at the time.

Exit Mouse: Wasn’t it all a dream anyway?

Paula: (yells) You people are idiots!

Jeff: (pushes the door open on the club) I guess we didn’t need any reservation anyway.

Ness: (nudges Paula) Looks like you’re an idiot too, huh?

Paula: Hee hee. (drags them inside)

Unassuming local member: Blah blah blah!

Ness: Did you understand what that guy said?

Paula: He said "Blah blah blah!"

Ness: I’m not sure if that made more sense.

Exit Mouse: Ooh, a stage! When does the show start?

Waitress: The show’s already begun. Everyone stares at the stone and philosophizes. Sounds stupid, huh?

Jeff: (stares at the stone) This...place...sucks.

Mr. T: (laughing) I sell them water for monies!

Ness: Yay, Mr. T!

Paula: (smacks a woman by the door) Are you the Captain’s wife?

Captain’s Wife: Get out of my comfort zone!

Paula: (pulls out her frying pan) Oh, ya wanna get difficult, huh?

Ness: (pulls Paula back) Actually...ma’am...we’re here to ask you why you spend so much time in this club.

Exit Mouse: And your husband misses you... (sniff)

Captain’s Wife: But...I’m staring into my soul!

Exit Mouse: (mutters) She’s as brainwashed as the rest of these fruitcakes...

Captain’s Wife: Cakes? CAKE? You came all this way to eat my magic cake?

Ness: (slowly looks to Paula and Jeff) Uh...

Paula: That was...

Jeff: Sudden...

Exit Mouse: (mmm, cake!) Yes, we came here just for your magic cake!

Captain’s Wife: Ok then. (leads them outside to a snack cart) Here ya go!

Jeff: Why is it purple?

Paula: And pink too?

Exit Mouse: Is this glowing?

Ness: (swallowing the last bits of his cake) Mmmm, magical cake...(passes out)

Jeff: Oh no, Ness passed out again!

Paula: Is he homesick again?

Exit Mouse: Don’t bring that plot thing up again!

Ness: (his eyes become Xs) Soooooo magical...

(Ness’ subconscious shoots out to the other side of the world, to a strange floating island known as Dalaam, in the far east. There he enters the persona of the young prince of Dalaam, Poo, as he sets out on the final leg of his training…the MOO TRAINING!)

Sensei: Prince Poo, the time has now come for to undertake your final trial. Go to the "Place of Emptiness" and endure this final test.

Poo: Yes master! (runs off)

Miscellaneous girls: Hi Prince Poo!

Poo: Yes, hello.

Girl: Prince Poo, you are such a hunk.

Poo: Of what?

Girl: Uh...well...

Poo: No time! (runs off down the hill)

Girl: He’s kind of weird.

Another girl: Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s the only boy in the entire country.

Poo: (wanders past some rabbit statues) I wonder why no one has ever gone past those statues...(heads to the bottom of the island of Dalaam, Moo, the place of nothingness)

Star Master: You have nice eyes, therefore you must be Prince Poo.

Poo: Yes, I have very nice black dots.

Star Master: Long ago I completed Moo training. I would like to teach you a higher level of power, but I am still learning it myself. I shall speak to you again! (flies off in a whirlwind)

Poo: (nods slowly) That made...no...sense.

Poo: (climbs the ladder up the "Spire of Moo" to reach the "Place of Nothingness") Must complete Moo Training! (drops down into a meditation sit)

Some girl: (walks over) Prince Poo! You must stop your training and come back to the palace with me. Your master wishes it!

Poo: (ignores her) Mooo. Mooooooooooooo.

(suddenly, the cow spirit of Moo appears!)

Cow Spirit of Moo: Prince Poo... I am the spirit of your ancient lineage.

Poo: My lineage?

Cow Spirit of Moo: Well, SOMEONE’S lineage, at least.

Poo: I see.

Cow Spirit of Moo: Well, anyway, in order to complete your Moo training, I shall need to break your legs.

Poo: Well, okay...(his legs are breaked)

Cow Spirit of Moo: Now I shall tear your arms off. I shall feed them to the crows. Do you accept this?

Poo: (weakly) Y...yes. (his arms are ripped off) GAH! Good thing this is before ratings were around, yuck!

Cow Spirit of Moo: Ah, Prince Poo. Without arms or legs, you can only lie there. Now I’ll cut your ears off. Do you accept this?

Poo: Yes, I do. (his ears are cut off)

Cow Spirit of Moo: So, Prince Poo, no legs, no arms, and no sound. By floating words in the air I must ask you, do you care if I take your eyes? I shall steal your sight, do you accept this?

Poo: (nods weakly) (his eyes are taken)

Cow Spirit of Moo: So Prince Poo, now I can only communicate directly with your mind. Your mind is all you have left, but in the end, I shall take your mind.

Poo: (thinks)

Cow Spirit of Moo: So...you can’t answer? You can’t even move? Are you sad, are you lonely? I will take your mind, Prince Poo, know that I will possess it.

Poo: (thinks) What about the brain stone I have? Does that help anything?

Cow Spirit of Moo: What? What the heck are you talking about? Of course not! (fades away)

Poo: (regains consciousness and jumps up from his meditation on the "Spire of Moo") I defeated it! I conquered the Cow Spirit of Moo! I think…

Sensei’s Messenger: (calls to Poo from the ground) Prince Poo! You have now completed your training! The old master must be so pleased! Return to the palace immediately!

Poo: (nods) I shall. (returns to the palace immediately)

Sensei: I’m so pleased! You have completed your Moo training! There is nothing more I can teach you from the holy writings of Moo.

Poo: Yes, there was a very angry cow involved.

Sensei: I must realy a message to you from Eternity. The ultimate evil is preparing to attack. The only ones who can challenge this entity are three boys and a girl. Their leader is named Ness. One of those boys is you, Prince Poo. Now that you’ve completed your training, you must seek out Ness at once!

Poo: Do you think this Ness has anything to do with the strange damaging of Phone man?

Phone Man: (muttering) Money in account, exp to next level, sleeping, continuing, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN! (runs off screaming)

Sensei: I pray for the four of you to increase in strength.

Poo: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (suddenly powers up three levels) Thank you Master!

Girl: His power level, it’s over...1 million!

Sensei’s Messenger: (smacks her) I don’t think so!

Sensei: You must use your teleport to find Ness!

Poo: But, we’re inside. And, I don’t know where to teleport to since I don’t know where Ness is. And, I don’t think I have enough space to succesfully teleport in here.

Sensei: Are you questioning me?

Poo: Sorry Master! (flies off by using PSI Teleport B)

(back on the beach in Summers)

Ness: (jumps up) THAT...was a weird dream.

Exit Mouse: (eating something) Oh, so you finally woke up.

Jeff: Yeah, you were out for awhile. We busied ourselves killing mad taxis and crazed signs.

Paula: (giggling) I got to a Gamma level PSI power!

Ness: WHAT?

Poo: (suddenly shoots down from the sky and lands in front of them) My name is Poo. I am the one who will fight beside you. I am the servant of Ness. Ness! My life is in your hands.

Exit Mouse: Uh...

Ness: Well, it looks like that odd dream I had while under the "Magic Cake" was really a vision!

Jeff: Well, that prophecy DID say three boys.

Paula: And a girl!

Ness: Welcome aboard, Poo!

Jeff, Paula, and Exit Mouse: Yay.

Ness: Now what did you say about learning a new PSI power?

Paula: Hee hee, Fire level three!

Ness: NO, it can’t be!

Jeff: Yeah, it’s ultimate l33t cool.

Poo: Uh, I don’t want to interrupt you all, but do you have any bottles of water? I need to replenish my PP power.

Exit Mouse: (chokes on his kraken fin soup, laughing)

Ness: PP power...?

Paula: Well his name IS Poo...

Jeff: Is he just going to be a joke the whole time?

Poo: Probably.