EB Rewrite Part 13:

The Third Most Powerful Episode

Ness: (Looking up, and up, and up) Wow, these are some honkin’ tall buildings!

Jeff: (pointing to a tall one) Ooh! That’s the one I blew a hole through with the Sky Runner!

Paula: You blew a hole through one?

Jeff: Well, well, it got in my way! It’s not my fault!

Ness: You suck at flying, Jeff.

Jeff: Well, I technically wasn’t flying...

Exit Mouse: Quit talking, choking person!! (points wildly at a blue faced woman running towards them)

Ness: Get her!! (they tackle the woman)

Paula: Hurry and do the, uh, stop choking thing, Ness!

Jeff: (being punched in the face) Yeah, ow, hurry!

Ness: Super Stop Choking Attack! (socks the woman in the stomach)

Woman: (stops struggling) Thanks for saving me! (cough cough) You kids are great! (walks off)

Exit Mouse: Good job, team.

Ness and Co.: (lying in a heap) Ugh, no problem.

Exit Mouse: Good, here comes another one.

Paula: Can we help you...?(is smacked in the face with a handbag strap)

Woman: GWARGH! (hurls her purse at Jeff)

Jeff: Ow, there was a brick in there!

Paula: (her eyes glowing red) HERE’S SOME HELP FOR YOU!!!!!! (blasts the woman with PSI Fire Beta)

Woman: Ow...(is tamed)

Ness: Hm, she seems to resemble the blue-faced goons I fought in Twoson.

Exit Mouse: When did that happen?

Ness: Oops, I think we forgot it.

Exit Mouse: Talk about hack writing...

(suddenly, a bunch of hippies come flying in and attack Ness and Co.)

Ness: Oh, there they are...

Paula: Let’s kill some stuff! (smacks a hippie with her fry pan)

New Age Retro Hippie: (uses the toothbrush)

Jeff: AH! (blasts the hippie into normalness)

Ness: (bats the last hippie away) Hippies from Twoson in Fourside, what a coincidence!

Paula: Hey guys, there’s the theater the Runaway Five are playing at! Let’s go watch ‘em!

Jeff: Now THAT’S a coincidence!

Exit Mouse: Nah, that’s just plot. (they head into the theater)

Ness and Co. (they head through the crowded theater to a door)

Door Guy: When Ness arrives, The Runaway Five told me to let him in. So please come in.

Ness: How do you know I’m Ness?

Door Guy: (looks around furtively) I’m actually the keyboard player guy. The band makes me stay undercover as their door guy until we play. That way, they can stay the Runaway Five.

Ness: (as they head in) Ok, that makes sense.

Exit Mouse: (mumbling) It WOULD to you, wouldn’t it?

Lucky: Hiya, Paula!

Paula: Hi guys!

Gojasu: Now you have TWO guys following you around?

Paula: Yeah...

Exit Mouse: And one above average mouse!

Gojasu: We’re stuck under another phony contract!

Lucky: We’re so hopeless, hopeless. It’s kinda funny, actually.

Paula: That’s it, we’ll help you guys! Ness!

Ness: What?

Paula: (strikes a dramatic pose) TO THE MANAGER!!! (they run out of the room)

Gojasu: Should we have told them how much we owe under the contract?

Lucky: Do-wap de no.

Paula: (a few minutes later, outside the theater) I can’t believe the Runaway Five owes a million dollars!

Exit Mouse: I can’t believe they were dumb enough to sign a contract that says "We owe the theater a million dollars." What were they thinking!?

Ness: Where can we get a million dollars to help them out?

Jeff: The...DESERT!

Ness, Paula, and Exit Mouse: HUH?

Jeff: Obviously, that guy who we gave some food to said if he found any gold, he would give it to us.

Ness: Uh, huh.

Jeff: And we’ve been gone for a couple hours, so by now, he should have a big huge network of tunnels dug out, filled with gold and stuff! We’ll be able to get a million easily!

Paula: A huge network of caves filled with gold and stuff in just two hours?

Jeff: Yep.

Paula: Sounds plausible to me, let’s go!

Ness: (as they walk back to the desert) Awww, I wanted to shop at the new department store!

Exit Mouse: (reading a department store flyer) "Temporarily Closed. …Gwargh!"

Jeff: What’s the Gwargh! for?

Exit Mouse: Dunno, maybe it’s what’s on sale this week.

Paula: (bumps into a sign) Ow, what is this doing in the middle of the road?

Exit Mouse: Oh no, it must be...A CRAZED SIGN!

Ness: (ducking the sign’s attacks) Are you sure?

Paula: Not for long. (blasts the Crazed Sign with PSI Fire)

Crazed Sign: (zaps Jeff with PSI Paralysis)

Jeff: Must...counter...PSI! (uses the counter PSI Unit)

Ness: (snaps the crazed sign in two with his bat) Die speed limit sign!

Exit Mouse: Are you okay, Jeff?

Jeff: Yeah, the counter PSI saved me!

Paula: We’re not sure how, though.

Ness: Whatever, we’ve reached the desert! (they head up to the miner’s shack)

Paula: Oh great, a bunch of moochers have shown up ahead of us.

Exit Mouse: (looking at the throng of people standing around) I don’t see the miner guy, let’s find out what’s going on.

Ness: Hey people, what’s going on?

People: We’re watching digging.

Paula: Sounds fun.

People: Very. Fun.

Jeff: Forget this. Let’s just go into the hole and find out. (they head down into the mine)

Miner: Boy am I glad to see you kids!

Ness: What’s up?

Miner: Everything was fine until I dug myself into this maze! Then all these monsters showed up, like 5 big moles! If I beat the monsters, I can continue, but I’m really powerless to do anything.

Exit Mouse: Don’t worry, we’ll get rid of the moles for you!

Ness: We...

Jeff: Will?

Miner: Really? Thank you so much!

Exit Mouse: (leading the others into the tunnels) Oh yes, heh heh.

Paula: This stinks, now we have to hunt down moles under the ground?

Ness: Is this déjà vu again?

Paula: Probably. Look out, there’s a coil snake!

Ness: (bashes the coil snake) Yes, but this is the desert variety!

Jeff: (dodges its poisonous bite) With a few added improvements, I’m guessing.

Paula: (finishes it off with her Fry Pan) Not too bad, there doesn’t seem to be too many monsters hanging around.

Ness: Look ahead! Should we go left, or straight?

Exit Mouse: Let’s go straight, we never go straight!

Paula: That’s ‘cuz straight is always the WRONG way!

Jeff: (ahead on the straight path) Hey! I found a ladder!

Ness, Exit Mouse, and Paula: (fall to the ground in comical amazement)

Jeff: (drops down the ladder as the others follow) I think we’re near a mole!

Ness: (drops next to him) How can you tell?

Jeff: Because there’s about 6.022x10²³ mad ducks coming our way!

Paula: (drops down next to Ness) Huh? I don’t get it.

Exit Mouse: (lands on Paula’s head) I got it, and trust me, it sucked.

Ness: Quit talking, DUCK! (they all dive to the ground as about one million tops smash together on them)

Paula: (pokes her head out of the pile of tops) PSI Fire Beta! (blasts some of the ducks away)

Jeff: (rolls out of the pile, firing) Take that, duckies!

Ness: (leaps from the pile and blasts the remaining ducks with PSI Rockin Beta) Eat death, ducks!

Exit Mouse: (as they exchange high fives) I must admit, that was actually cool. We need some type of slow motion machine, though.

Jeff: That can be arranged...MUA HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(they continue walking and bump straight into a giant mole)

Giant Mole: GWARGH!

Paula: Holy carp, it’s Mondo Mole!

Guardian Digger: Uh, no. I’m actually Guardian Digger. I am...THE THIRD MOST POWERFUL MASTER OF THIS HOLE!

Jeff: Wow, really.

Guardian Digger: Indeed. there are 5 masters in all. We are all moles, but I, and I alone am the third strongest master. The others, are the strongest, the second strongest, the fourth strongest, and the weakest. They may claim to be the third strongest, but I alone am the third strongest. I am more powerful than the fourth and fifth strongest, yet not as powerful as the strongest or second strongest. Only I am the third strongest. The others…are not…the third strongest.

Ness: (scratching his head) So, wait, you’re the...third...strongest?

Guardian Digger: Yes, let me show how powerful the third strongest is! Take your best shot! (clicks his claws together and behind him the wall changes into a swirling yellow background with the words No. 3 bouncing up and down)

Ness: (readies his bat) Come get some!

Paula: (powers a blast of PSI Freeze) I’m with you, Ness!

Exit Mouse: (eating a croissant) Yeah!

Jeff: Where’s his projector for that background?

Guardian Digger: (raises his power shield) Gwargh.

Ness: (bounces off of the Guardian Digger as he swings his bat into him) OW!

Paula: (blasts the Guardian Digger with PSI Freeze) Cool attack!

Guardian Digger: Hey, no fair! (is frozen solid)

Jeff: Time for...the HP SUCKER! (blasts the Guardian Digger with the HP sucker) I win. (the Guardian Digger is defeated)

Paula: That was easy, let’s go find the other moles!

Jeff: Yeah!

Ness: Ow...no one told me it had a power shield! (they run off into the tunnels again)

Gigantic Ant: ROAR!!!!!!!

Ness: HOLY CARP, it’s Titanic Ant!!

Paula: Huh?

Ness: (readies his bat) My old arch foe, we meet again.

Gigantic Ant: Hurh? (looks at Ness, confused)

Ness: PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM, TITANIC ANT!!!!!!!!! (SMAAASHES the Gigantic Ant through the tunnel wall)

Exit Mouse: (checking the player’s guide) Um, Ness? I don’t think that was Titanic Ant…

Ness: (firing PSI Rockin blasts into the hole in the wall after the ant) What did you say, Exit?

Exit Mouse: (shrugs) Never mind.

Paula: (yawning) Hey, I think I heard something!

(they run into a large cavern underground)

Exit Mouse: It’s...MY FAMILY!

Exit Mom: Uh, hello, son.

Ness: Hi, Exit’s Mom!

Exit Mom: Hello, Ness. Still saving the world?

Ness: Yeah, with Paula and Jeff here.

Paula and Jeff: Yo.

Exit Mouse: I can’t believe you moved after I left!

Exit Mom: Well we didn’t think you were coming back.

Exit Mouse: (sniffing) Come on, Ness, let’s go get some moles! (they run off)

Exit Mom: Hm, we’re gonna need to move again.

Ness: (a few hours later) Where the heck are we?

Paula: The way you ran off, Exit, we assumed you knew where you were going.

Exit Mouse: I assumed I did too.

Jeff: We haven’t found any more moles, where could they be?

Miner: Well, they’re not here at the entrance.

Paula: We’re back at the beginning!?

Exit Mouse: Oops.

Ness: Don’t worry guys, I have an idea. (he takes a deep breath and yells) HEY STUPID MOLES, I AM THE THIRD STRONGEST MASTER OF THIS HOLE!!!!!!

Jeff: (as the ground begins to rumble) Wow.

Guardian Diggers: (four burst out of the ground) I am the third strongest!

Ness: Attack! (blasts them with PSI Rockin B)

Paula: (defeats one of the moles with her PSI Freeze)

Jeff: Argh! (is smacked away by flailing claws)

Guardian Digger: (smacks Paula with a noose man) Growl!

Paula: Ow! (smacks the noose man with her Fry Pan)

Ness: (blasts the Guardian Diggers with PSI Flash)

Jeff: (blasts the crying Guardian Digger with the HP sucker)

Ness: (flips over one of the Guardian Diggers and blasts it with PSI Rockin A)

Paula: (zaps the last Digger with PSI Thunder)

Guardian Digger: Uh...oh...(its shield disappears)

Jeff: (shoots the Guardian Digger with his laser gun)

Guardian Digger: GWARGH! (is tamed)

Ness: (twirls his bat) That was easy, huh?

Paula: (munching a PSI Caramel) Yeah, and free tunnel food!

Jeff: (holding a super bomb) And free explosives!

Miner: Good Job.

Exit Mouse: Yep.

Miner: Just let me start diggin. I’ll find buried gold! (cackles and runs off into the mine)

Ness: This better work

Exit Mouse: It has to, it’s flawlessly constructed.

(they head outside to the miner shack)

George Montague: Uh, hello again?

Ness: Can’t talk. Sleep. (falls asleep on the floor)

Paula: I agree. (falls asleep on the floor too)

Jeff: Yeah. (falls asleep on the couch)

Exit Mouse: Uh huh. (shoves Jeff off the couch and falls asleep on it)