Eb Rewrite Part 10: Saturn Barferman!

Ness: (blinks and opens his eyes)

Mr. Saturn: (looming over Ness) DOING?

Ness: Doing?

Paula: (drinking an Espresso) So, you finally woke up.

Jeff: (munching a croissant) You’ve been out all day, Ness. Sheesh.

Ness: Where is we?

Paula: We is in Saturn Valley.

Ness: Okay. Then, what the heck is that? (points to Mr. Saturn)

Mr. Saturn: In Saturn Valley, ALL are Mr. Saturn.

Ness: ...

Exit Mouse: When you passed out, Ness, we dragged you down the road along with us and we ended up here.

Ness: Did anything exciting happen?

Jeff: Well, there sure were a lot of evil frogs along the way.

Mr. Saturn: (hops back inside a trashcan) I fixed your body!

Paula: This is the hospital, cool huh?

Ness: What happened to that goo that was covering us?

Jeff: (points to Mr. Saturn) They fixed us up and got the goo off.

Paula: (mumbling) Yeah, with a high-speed water hose.

(They head outside and into the Saturn Valley)

Ness: Wow. That’s a lotta Saturns.

Mr. Saturns: DOING!

Jeff: I wonder if the Mr. Saturns know what’s behind the zombies attacking Threed?

Mr. Saturns: (collectively barf)

Paula: Ooh...I don’t get it.

Exit Mouse: (munching a croissant) Maybe they’re trying to explain that the cause is some barf-like creature who…

Ness: Quiet, Exit! (waves to the Mr. Saturns) Hey, Mr. Saturns, could you please explain to us what you mean?

Mr. Saturn: Barf!

Mr. Saturn: Scary, scary guy!

Mr. Saturn: DOING!

Mr. Saturn: Grapefruit Falls!

Mr. Saturn: Scary, sick!

Mr. Saturn: Barfy!

Mr. Saturn: Go and...

Mr. Saturn: La la la!

Mr. Saturn: Ding! Scary!

Mr. Saturn: Zoom!

Ness: (stares blankly) Could you guys repeat that?

Paula: Sounds disgusting, whatever it is.

Jeff: I think one of them said to go to Grapefruit Falls.

Mr. Saturn: DOING! Yes!

Jeff: Really?

Mr. Saturn: (same one) Base...secret...base...behind Grapefruit Falls.

Paula: Wow, a helpful Mr. Saturn!

Ness: Eh, he’s not as cool as the other ones that just talk about DOING! and stuff.

Mr. Saturn: Password, I tell you. Belch man say "Say password" then, stand still…wait for 3 minutes… (eerie music plays)

(they all stand still for a few minutes)

Mr. Saturn: DOING!

Ness: Thanks for your help Mr. Saturn!

Paula: Let’s go kick the barf out of whatever is hanging around inside that base!

Jeff: Wait, maybe we should load up on supplies first.

Exit Mouse: (looking through his small supply of croissants) I agree.

(they head up to the Saturn Valley store)

Ness: (gets some money from the ATM)

Exit Mouse: I’ve got a few boxes of Peanut Cheese Bars!

Paula: (runs over to Ness) Will you buy me this red ribbon, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze? It’s only $179!

Ness: Well, okay, but it better be the best darn red ribbon ever made.

Jeff: Why do you care, Ness? Your dad gives you like a billion-dollar allowance!

Ness: So? In need to keep most of it in advance of the next generation Nintendo game console coming out in 1997!

Jeff: Good point, and the next one in 2001, too.

Paula: There’s one coming out in 2012? Cool!

Mr. Saturn: DOING!

(they head out of the Saturn Valley and travel north to Grapefruit Falls)

Plain Crocodile: (rushes towards Ness, flanked by two urban zombies)

Ness: Considering all the zombies we’ve seen after using the Zombie Paper, I don’t think it worked that well.

Paula: (blasts one of the zombies into dust with PSI Fire B) Oh well, more exp., right?

Jeff: I’ll use my...(pulls a gun out of his coat) BRAND SPANKIN NEW MAGNUM AIR GUN!!!!

Exit Mouse: Air gun?

Jeff: MUA HAHAHAHAHA!!!! (blasts the plain crocodile with a burst of air)

Plain Crocodile: (Bites Jeff)

Ness: (bats the remaining zombie in the head)

Jeff: (Tames the plain crocodile with a bottle rocket)

Exit Mouse: (kills an armored frog with a well-aimed croissant) Uh, guys? LOTS OF FROGS!!!!!!

Ness and Co: (run like crazy towards the falls and dive through them)

Photographer guy: (flies down from the sky) Hey, get back here and get your picture taken!

Armored Frogs: (crash into the photographer guy)

Ness: (looks at the open door leading into the base) Here we are.

Voice: Say the password!

Ness and Co.: (Stand still and wait for a minute)

Paula: This is boring. (walks through the open door)

Jeff: Oh no!

Ness: (after a few seconds) Nothing’s happening.

Paula: (from inside) Get in here already, dangit!

Ness, Jeff, and Exit Mouse: Yes Ma’am! (rush inside)

(they climb down a ladder into the futuristic base of magical stuff having to do with Fly Honey)

Foppys: (A group of about 10 bounce towards them)

Ness: (charges into one and whacks it with his baseball bat)

Foppy: (bounces around the room and ricochets into Ness)

Ness: Ow. (collapses)

Jeff: Oh no! Ness is dead!

Paula: He’s not dead, moron!

Ness’ ghost: (rises from his body) Hurry up and kill those foppys!

Paula: Yay! (smacks a foppy with her fry pan)

Foppy: (bounces around the room and ricochets into Paula)

Paula: Ouchies. (collapses)

Jeff: Must...save...team!

Foppys: (bounce towards him)

Jeff: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! (grabs Exit Mouse and runs deeper into the base)

Exit Mouse: Watch where you’re going, Jeff! There’s a lot of big holes in the base!

Jeff: I am, I...(runs into a trash can and falls inside)

Paula’s Ghost: (floats up, carrying her body) Hurry up and take us back to Saturn Valley, Jeff.

Ness’ Ghost: (floats up, also carrying his body) Yeah, without us you have NO CHANCE at all of beating this place.

Jeff: (pops out of the trashcan) Oh yeah, I just found... THE HP SUCKER!!!!!!! (holds up the machine triumphantly)

Exit Mouse: So what? We still have to get Ness and Paula back to Saturn Valley.

Jeff: Luckily for you fools, I happened to buy some things at Saturn Valley that I didn’t mention to you guys.

Ness’ Ghost: Like what?

Jeff: (holds up a horn-looking thingy) Two horns of life!

Paula’s Ghost: Those can revive us?

Exit Mouse: What do the instructions say, Jeff?

Jeff: Uh, aim away from face.

Exit Mouse: Good enough, use it then!

Jeff: (smacks Ness’ body with the horn of life)

Ness’ Ghost: I’m REVIVED! (flies back inside his body)

Ness: (drops to the ground) Gah, my spine!

Jeff: (smacks Paula’s body with the other horn of life)

Paula’s Ghost: Hurrah! (flies back inside her body)

Paula: (drops to the ground) Ah! My back!

Jeff: Ah, Jeff saves the day, ONCE AGAIN!

(they continue deeper into the base)

Ness: (waves to a few Mr. Saturns running a conveyor belt) Hiya Mr. Saturns!

Mr. Saturn: DOING!

Mr. Saturn: Help!

Paula: (giggles) I love the way they talk, I’m gonna start talking like that!

Jeff: DOING!

(they all laugh as they pass by the Mr. Saturns and further into the base)

Ness: (steps in a pile of green sludge) Eew, this place needs cleaning!

Slimy Little Pile: (from under his foot) Hey, I resent that!

Ness: (jumps off) Ah! It talked!

Slimy Little Pile: Nyah hah! (exhales a blast O stinky breath)

Paula: Gah, my eyes!

Jeff: Eyes, watering, speech, becoming...hard to speak!

Exit Mouse: Can’t stop crying!

Ness: (sighs) I guess I better heal all of us with my PSI Healing A! Since NONE of you have any healing powers at all! (heals them all with PSI Healing A)

Paula: (smacks him) At least I have PSI magnet, moron!

Ness: (smacks her) Some of us have enough psychic points that we don’t NEED any PSI Magnet!

Jeff: Don’t worry, guys! I’ll use the HP SUCKER!!!!! (blasts the Slimy Little Pile with the HP Sucker)

Exit Mouse: Jeff, that only sucked 2 HP...

Jeff: MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Paula: (bashes the Slimy Little Pile)

Slimy Little Pile: (is squashed flat)

Jeff: (as they walk into the next room) Did you see the HP Sucker in action? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(they screech to a halt as they walk into a room with about 50 slimy little piles in it)

Slimy Little Piles: (stare at them)

Ness and Co.: (walk slowly through the room, while staring at the slimy little piles)

Slimy Little Piles: (follow Ness and Co. as they walk through the room)

Ness: (as they leave the room) Ugh, slimy little piles.

Paula: (points to a really big slimy pile) Not as bad as that one!

Master Belch: (throws up) So, you are Ness?

Ness: Yes!

Paula: And...Paula!

Jeff: And Jeff!

Exit Mouse: (munching a peanut cheese bar) And me.

(Dramatic music plays and the EARTHBOUND symbol appears behind them a la SSB)

Master Belch: (barfs) There is a prophecy that a boy will destroy Master Giygas. Heeg heeg heeg! You make me laugh. Heegheegheegheegheegheeg!

Ness: Hey, that’s not nice, ya know.

Master Belch: (vomits) If Master Giygas is supposed to be afraid of someone, they would have to be more powerful than the greatest evil!

Jeff: Maybe Paula’s going to destroy Giygas!

Paula: (smacks Ness, Jeff, and Exit Mouse as they burst out laughing)

Master Belch: (regurgitates) Get ready to feel the pain of true nausea! You must face me, MASTER BELCH!!!!!!!

Jeff: (pulls the fly honey jar out of his pocket and hurls it at Master Belch) Fly Honey, go!

Master Belch: (catches the fly honey jar in his mouth) Thanks!

Paula: Nice going, Jeff.

Jeff: I guess I’ll just use...THE HP SUCKER!!!!!

Ness: (bashes Master Belch in the head) Eat death, puke monster!

Master Belch: (choking on the fly honey jar) Gar! Garg! Glag!

Exit Mouse: (munching a peanut cheese bar) I do believe, he’s choking!

Master Belch: (falls over, shudders, and lies still)

Paula: Jeff...you killed it!

Jeff: I think he’s tamed...

Ness: Uh, I think we won.

(they all walk around the pile of sludge and head out the door)

Master Belch: (gets up after they leave) Heegheegheegheegheegheeg!!!!!!! I’m not dead, those fools! I will have my revenge…later! (flies off)

Ness: (as they exit the tunnel back to Saturn Valley) Hey, we’re at the top of the valley!

Mr. Saturn: DOING! Thank you!

Mr. Saturn: Stinky, peeeeeeeeyeu!

Mr. Saturn: Go in hot spring, wash barf off you body!

Paula: (as they look at the hot spring) That sounds so nice! Too bad we don’t have any bathing suits!

Jeff: What’s a bathing suit? (jumps into the hot spring)

Ness: That’s the spirit, Jeff! (jumps in too)

Exit Mouse: Whee!!! (dives in)

Paula: (shrugs and jumps in)

Mr. Saturn: Buuuurp!!! Goody!!!!!