EB Rewrite Part 9: Zombie Stompin!

(Ness and Paula are sitting around a card table with a game of poker and a huge pile of junk between them)

Ness: (tosses a hamburger onto the pile) I’ll raise you a hamburger.

Paula: (tosses two croissants onto the pile) I’ll meet your hamburger and raise you a croissant!

Ness: (shuffles around in his nearly empty backpack) I’ll raise you...(grabs Exit Mouse and throws him onto the pile) Exit Mouse!

Exit Mouse: Hey!

Paula: (throws three pennies onto the pile) I’ll meet your Exit Mouse...

Exit Mouse: What?

Paula: (unties her ribbon and throws it onto the pile) And raise you a ribbon!

Ness: (pulls an identical ribbon out of his backpack and throws it onto the pile) I’ll meet your ribbon.

Paula: (stands up) Wait a minute, that’s MY ribbon!

Ness: (nervously) Uh, no, it’s mine. I like...ribbons.

Paula: You stole it from me! That was my extra backup ribbon!

Ness: (stands up) Hold on, didn’t I buy you that ribbon from Happy Happy Village?

Paula: (flips the table over) That’s it, you DIE! (swings her fry pan at Ness)

Ness: (parries with his bat)

Exit Mouse: (as the two continue to exchange blows) I knew this was gonna happen. Go, Ness, bash her head in!

Paula: (knocks Ness to the ground and tries to smash her fry pan into his face) Give me my ribbon back!

Ness: (holds back the fry pan with his bat) Never!

(suddenly the room starts rumbling and the Sky Runner crashes through the roof)

Jeff: (comes flying out of the Sky Runner as it explodes from hitting the ground)

Exit Mouse: What the heck?

Ness and Paula: (look up while still fighting)

Jeff: (brushes off his clothes, adjusts his glasses, and turns to them) That was a little scary, I suppose the Sky Runner took a little damage while landing, oh well. (notices them fighting on the ground) Uh, what are you guys doing?

Paula: (gets up) Uh, nothing, just a little misunderstanding.

Ness: (also gets up) Yeah, just a little too much poker.

Exit Mouse: Good thing you showed up, we’re saved!

Jeff: Well, guys, my name’s Jeff. You called me, and somehow I ended up here. I’m not very strong, really near-sighted, kind of shy, and I tend to be a little reckless. This is just the way I am. I hope we can be friends.

Ness: Uh, yeah, we didn’t need your life story, Jeff. I’m Ness, welcome aboard.

Paula: And I’m Paula, glad you’ve come to help us.

Exit Mouse: Well, it looks like we’ve found the next chosen one, right guys?

Jeff: Chosen one, what do you mean?

Ness: Uh, evil alien monster trying to take over the world, we’re trying to save it, now you are too, it’s kinda complicated.

Jeff: (grinning) Sounds fun!

Ness, Paula, and Exit Mouse: (stare at him)

Jeff: Come on, I’ve lived in a school my entire life, fighting off aliens sounds like a good time compared to that! (walks over to the door and opens it) Let’s get on with the journey, then!

Paula: The door’s open!?

Exit Mouse: You said it was locked, Ness!

Ness: Well, it LOOKED locked.

Exit Mouse: (as they head out of the secret tunnel and into the graveyard) If we need to get rid of the zombies, I say we should head south of town to the circus.

Ness: But Exit, why would the zombies be coming from there?

Exit Mouse: Well, circuses are evil, so that’s probably where they’re coming from.

Ness: I see. (they explore the circus area south of Threed)

Paula: Nothing here but some empty cages and a big tent. Maybe we should check inside the tent.

Exit Mouse: (walks up to the front of the tent as a huge mouth with jagged teeth opens from out of nowhere) See? What kid wouldn’t be scared of that? The circus is evil! (prepares to step through it)

Jeff: (pulls Exit Mouse backwards as the teeth slam down) Watch out, Exit!

Exit Mouse: Look how dangerous that door is!

Bogey Tent: (grins as eyes appear above its mouth) Gaaoooorrgg!!!

Ness: All right, everyone, KILL THE TENT! (blasts the Bogey Tent with PSI Rockin A)

Bogey Tent: (Spews a stream of fly honey out of its mouth)

Jeff: (is blown backwards by the spray)

Paula: (blasts the tent with PSI fire) You okay, Jeff?

Jeff: (lying in a pool of sticky yellow goo) I feel icky...

Bogey Tent: (on fire) GAAAARRRRRRROOOOOOOOGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! (Emits a pale green light)

Ness: (looks around) Uh, nothing happened?

Bogey Tent: (Shrugs)

Paula: (blows the tent into pieces with another blast of PSI Fire) Who cares, it’s dead!

(As the bogey tent is destroyed, two zombies run out of its wreckage)

Jeff: (walks over to the trashcan the zombies were standing by) They must have something in this trashcan! (rips the lid off and starts rummaging through the trash)

Ness: Go for it, Jeff!

Paula: Not ANOTHER person who loves to dig through trash, what is with you guys, anyway?

Jeff: (pulls a jar out of the trash) Hey, guys, I found something called "Fly honey" in the trash! It looks like that junk the Bogey Tent threw on me.

(As they head back towards the city of Threed, the receiver phone starts ringing)

Exit Mouse: Hey, the cell phone works now!

Ness: (answers it) Hello?

Apple Kid: Hi, it’s Apple Kid!

Ness: Look, we already told you, we don’t need the pencil eraser!

Apple Kid: You will...you WILL...But that’s not what I’m calling about.

Ness: It isn’t?

Apple Kid: No, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve completed a pretty unique invention.

Ness: What is it?

Apple Kid: It probably won’t be helpful at all.

Ness: What is it?

Apple Kid: In fact, it really has no possible use ever.

Paula: (grabs the phone from Ness) JUST TELL US WHAT THE STUPID THING IS!!!!!!

Apple Kid: ... It’s called zombie paper, and it can be used to trap zombies. It works kinda like fly paper, all you need to do is place it on the floor of a tent or something.

Ness: Okay, a tent it is!

Apple Kid: Come on, you’ve seen at least one tent around, right?

Ness: Yeah, a few actually. One tried to kill us.

Apple Kid: Yeah, with zombie paper I bet you could catch a lot of zombies, maybe even all the zombies that are terrorizing the area.

Ness: Uh, do we have to come back to Twoson to get the zombie paper?

Apple Kid: Don’t worry, I asked the Mach Pizza delivery man to deliver the zombie paper to you, Ness. You should get it pretty soon. If zombies exist, zombie paper will be really useful.

Ness: Wait, so you’ve never actually tested the zombie paper?

Apple Kid: Testing wastes time. I’ll call you if I come up with anything else, bye! *click!*

Jeff: What’s an apple kid?

Paula: An inventor who lives in Twoson, he makes the weirdest inventions.

Ness: Luckily, we need the weirdest inventions to beat some of this stuff.

Mach Pizza Delivery Man: (suddenly runs up) While delivering pizza, this weird guy asked me to help him out. He wanted me to deliver this to someone named Ness, who is wandering around Threed.

Ness: I’m Ness.

Mach Pizza Delivery Man: Let’s just pretend that you’re Ness, okay? I thought I found Ness earlier, but he threw a monster at me and it tried to kill me! I don’t care about finding Ness anymore, I just gotta give this to someone!

Ness: I AM Ness!

Mach Pizza Delivery Man: Just go along with me on this, okay? I’ve made the decision that you’re Ness, no matter what. (hands Ness the zombie paper) That’s right Ness (winks) I’ve done my duty and given you Apple Kid’s thingamajig, goodbye! (runs off)

(They head to the Zombie Resistance HQ tent in the middle of Threed and place the zombie paper on the ground)

Ness: There! Soon the zombies will all come to the tent!

Paula: (points to the people in the tent) Should we tell them to get out before the zombies come?

Exit Mouse: (waves his hand) Ah, they should know to get out of the tent before the zombies come!

Jeff: We don’t know how long it will take for the zombie paper to take effect, let’s get some sleep at the hotel!

Ness: (as they walk to the hotel) Hm, why do I get the feeling that the hotel is dangerous?

Paula: Is it because the last time we were there we were brutally beaten up by a gang of zombies and then thrown in a prison?

Ness: Yeah, that sounds familiar. (they head into the hotel)

Manager: (who still looks like a zombie) You...may...stay...for...free...(keeps glancing out the window)

Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Exit Mouse: (run into the first room on the right) This hotel rocks!

Ness: (begins looking through the drawers) Hey, they haven’t restocked towels since our last time here!

Paula: (looking at the beds) Hey, guys, there’s three of us, and only two beds. How do we decide who gets a bed?

Jeff: How about we decide it with a game of rock-paper-scissors?

Others: All right!

Ness: (lying on the floor while Paula and Exit Mouse snore in their beds) Great idea, Jeff.

Jeff: (busily fixing up a broken iron) Bah, sleep is for the weak-minded!

(The next morning, they head to the Zombie Resistance Tent to see if the zombie paper worked)

People standing around outside tent: We caught the zombies!

Ness: All right, Apple Kid’s invention worked!

Paula: (inside tent, kicking a zombie) Die you stupid thing, DIE!

Zombie: I blame you for my death! (dies)

Jeff: (examining the floor) I’ll have to ask Apple Kid how he made this stuff, it’s amazing!

Zombie: (starts moving again) I still blame you for my death!

Paula: AHHHHHHHH, UNDEAD ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs out of the tent)

Jeff: (comes out of the tent too) Well, Ness, what should we do now?

Ness: Well, I suppose we still need to find the source of the zombies.

Paula: I know, back to the graveyard! Since we killed all the zombies, the ones guarding the graveyard must be gone!

Exit Mouse: Yes, only once the source of the zombies is destroyed can peace return to Threed.

Ness: (looks to the circus tents) I think we’re a little late for peace here.

(they head back to the north graveyard)

Ness: You’re right, Paula, those guard zombies are gone!

Paula: (looks at the open tomb with a ladder going down into the gloom) Cool, this must lead to their headquarters! (jumps over the edge and starts climbing down)

Ness: (follows after her)

Jeff: (nervously) Wait a minute, you find and open tomb and just climb into it?

Exit Mouse: (hops in) Of course!

Jeff: (follows Exit Mouse) I hope we know what we’re doing.

Ness: (looking around the path they landed in) It’s awfully bright down here for a tomb.

Paula: (points to some zombie processors) Maybe it’s because of those guys!

Zombie Processor A: (pokes Ness with his icy hand) BOO!

Ness: (falls over) I’m solidified!

Jeff: (pulls out his stun gun and blasts the zombie processor)

Zombie Processor A: (melts away into thin air)

Paula: (smacks another away with her Fry Pan) Watch out, there’s more of them coming!

Zombie Processor G: (waves his hands and a mini ghost flies at Ness)

Ness: (swings his bat at the mini ghost)

Mini Ghost: (is smacked away)

Paula: (as they run into the next room) Zombies!

Jeff: I thought we killed them all.

Zombies: (nod)

Ness: More of those undead zombies then! (blasts a few away with PSI Rockin)

Mini Ghost: (Pokes Paula) Freeze in terror, mortal!

Paula: (smacks him with her fry pan) Go away! (turns to fight some more zombies)

Exit Mouse: (checks inside a casket and pulls out a bracelet) Wow, this is fun!

Jeff: (being bitten by a zombie dog) I’ll save us! (fires a big bottle rocket into the floor)

<BOOM>

Ness: (waking up) What the heck happened? (notices that he is covered in slimy goo) Well, it must have been interesting at least.

Paula: (also covered in goo) Something exploded, I think.

Jeff: (covered in goo too)Yes, heh heh, I wonder what happened.

Exit Mouse: (also covered in goo) Well, we better get out of this tunnel before more zombies show up.

Paula: (checking her purse) Hey, what happened to the fly honey?

Slimy Little Pile: (struggling to get the lid off the jar of fly honey) Stupid childproof cap!

Ness: Eew, what a slimy little pile of...

Slimy Little Pile: Slimy Little Pile will do, thank you very much.

Paula: Hey, I bet he’s the one who covered us in slimy goo!

Jeff: Uh, no, that was me. I think the slime generator accidentally went off.

Ness: You have a slime generator?

Paula: (grabs the fly honey from the slimy little pile) OURS!

Slimy Little Pile: (belches in her face) MINE!

Paula: (kicks it)

Slimy Little Pile: (hits the wall) I will have it! Master Belch and I love fly honey! (charges Paula)

Paula: (vaporizes him with PSI Fire B) No.

Ness: What!? When did you learn a more powerful fire attack?

Paula: (waves hand) I forget. I learn so many, you know.

Jeff: Is it just me, or are you insanely more powerful than I am?

Ness: (bashes himself in the head) I must learn new psychic powers!

Exit Mouse: (looks up a ladder) This seems to be the way out, come on guys!

Ness: (bashes his head repeatedly) Wait! I just realized a new psychic power!

Paula: By bashing yourself in the head?!

Ness: Yes! PSI Rockin B!

(they head out the ladder and into Grapefruit Falls)

Man: Would you kids like to buy some food?

Ness: Sure, we haven’t eaten in awhile, I think.

Paula: I want a croissant!

Ness: (pulling out a wad of money) Don’t we have a box of those?

Exit Mouse: (burps) Not anymore.

Jeff: I’ll have a calorie stick. It sounds healthy.

Ness: I’ll have a protein drink! (buys the food from the man)

Paula: (looks at the label on the protein drink) Ness, you better not drink that! It says "For grownups only!"

Ness: Why’s it only for grownups? I need protein too! (drinks the bottle in one gulp)

Jeff: (looking at the bottle) Probably because it’s the alcoholic "caffeine" version.

Ness: (passes out and falls to the ground)

Jeff: (sits next to Ness, eating his calorie stick) Well, Ness is passed out.

Paula: (plops down on Ness’ other side) And we’re covered in goo.

Exit Mouse: (sits on Ness, munching a croissant) What now?

Teddy Bear: (shrugs)