EB Rewrite Part 5: Ness Strikes Back!

Ness and Exit Mouse: (enter the Happy Happy Village)

Ness: (walks up to a woman wearing a yellow outfit) Uh, excuse me, ma’am, could you point me to…

Woman: (holds up her hand) Excuse me tourist, I’m collecting donations to protect the world from contaminants.

Ness: What? I don’t want to donate anything!

Woman: (her eyes glow red) Are you...positive?

Ness: (gulps) Yu, yuh, yes.

Woman: I’ll be your shadow then! (charges him)

Ness: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (begins running)

Exit Mouse: (slips the mole a $20) Tell me more about this, Y button you speak of…

Mole: Soon you will know the truth, this world is not real, it is only a façade for the "GAME WORLD"!!!!

Exit Mouse: Ooh, I must know more of this Game World!

Ness: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (slams into the mole, knocking them both over)

Woman: WHOA!!!!!! (runs into Exit Mouse, knocking them both into Ness and the Mole)

Mole: Ouch, pain, (drops the $20)

Woman: (picks up the $20) Thank you for your donation, here’s a postcard! (hands the mole a postcard) Bye! (wanders off)

Ness: (jumps up) Come on, Exit, let’s go find Paula!

Exit Mouse: How do you propose we do that?

Ness: Well, asking people here for directions is too dangerous, so I guess we just ask none directional questions.

(they walk up to a strange fellow wearing a blue robe, a tie, and a blue hood with a poof on the end)

Ness: Exscuse me sir, can you take us to your leader?

Insane Cultist: BLUE! BLUE! (Utilizes a paint attack, splashing some blue paint in Ness’ face)

Ness: (coughs) What the heck was that for? (smacks him in the head with his bat)

Insane Cultist: (sputters) BLUE! BLUE! (smacks Ness with his paintbrush handle)

Ness: Hey that hurt! (smacks the cultist with his bat in the head)

Insane Cultist: (collapses on the ground)

Ness: (wipes some paint off) This place is really weird

Exit Mouse: Yeah, that’s why it’s called a CULT!

Insane Cultists: (two more charge out from the blue bushes) BLUE! BLUE!

Ness: (grabs Exit Mouse) Let’s hide from these cultists in that conspicuously placed cave over there!

Exit Mouse: Isn’t that the cave we got here from?

Ness: Not that cave, that one! (points towards the drug store)

Exit Mouse: Oh, that one with the guy hanging around outside it?

Ness: NO! The one right next to the drugstore, and next to that fence!

Exit Mouse: Ooh, THAT one!

Insane Cultists: (dive at Ness and Exit Mouse)

Ness: (grabs Exit Mouse) Come on! (they run into the cave)

Insane Cultists: (crash to the ground) Ow, pain, blue, blue...

Ness and Exit Mouse: (walk through the cave and out into the Peaceful Rest Valley)

Spiteful Crow: CAW! (dives at Ness)

Ness: (ducks and hits the spiteful crow with his bat) What’s with all these old enemies?

Exit Mouse: Remember the glitch?

Ness: (smacks another crow) Let’s get to that cabin, these crows are everywhere! (they fight their way to the cabin and rush inside, slamming the door after them)

Ness and Exit Mouse: WHEW!

Paula: (runs to the door of the cell that takes up half of the entire cabin) Who? Who are you?

Ness: (runs to the cell) Paula?

Paula: Ness? You’re Ness? I’m so glad you’re here!

Ness: (looks around the cabin) Nice place you have here.

Paula: (recites her speech thingy) I had a dream that a boy named Ness was my destiny, and now you’re here!

Ness: Again with that telepathy thing, huh?

Paula: I know it’s kinda hard to believe, therefore, I knew you would rescue me.

Exit Mouse: (pops up) And we brought you your teddy bear! (stuffs the teddy bear through the bars of the cell to Paula)

Paula: (holds up the duct taped, muddy, dripping, charred, bear) YUCK! (throws it out the window) That’s nasty!

Teddy Bear: (hits a tree outside the window and bursts into flames)

Ness: (slumps to the ground) That, that, was your bear...

Paula: (holds up another bear) Yeah, I have my own bear here too!

Exit Mouse: (slumps to the ground with Ness) That didn’t turn out as well as I’d had hoped.

Paula: (grins) Hey, if you didn’t show up I would’ve busted myself out of here and found you, but I thought I’d better wait for you to show up! You could’ve left my bear at home.

Ness: (gets up) Ah, yes, we better get you outta here soon.

Exit Mouse: (hops up) Yeah, let’s get her so we can get out.

Paula: (taps her foot) We can’t open it, though, we need to get the key from Carpainter, he has it hidden away somewhere.

Ness: Well then how’d you figure you were gonna bust out of here by yourself?

Paula: Through that open window, of course. (points to the open window she threw the bear through)

Ness: Well, then couldn’t we go through the window right now?

Paula: (getting angry) Don’t you know how dangerous that is!?

Ness: But, but, it’s open!

Paula: No buts, you’re going to beat Carpainter and take down this evil cult!

Ness: (sighs) Well, I do kinda want to beat up those evil cultists, stupid blue freaks.

Paula: That’s the spirit, Ness! Here! (tosses him the Franklin Badge) I know that Carpainter can control lightning, so you better take this. It will protect you.

Ness: Lightning? Nobody said he had psychic powers, dangit.

Paula: (grins) Don’t worry about, guys, just go out there and kick butt like I know you can!

Ness: (High fives Exit Mouse) Come on, Exit, let’s go take out an evil cult!

Exit Mouse: YEAH! (they run out the door)

Paula: (looks to the teddy bear in her arms) Well, Teddy, what do you think of them?

Teddy: (stares blankly)

Paula: Yeah, I thought so too.

Ness and Exit Mouse: (charge out of the cabin) Yeah, let’s go!

Pokey: (stands in front of Ness and Exit Mouse) Hold it, Ness, you’re just here to bother me aren’t you?

Ness: Well actually, Pokey...

Pokey: (smiles smugly) You can call me MASTER Pokey, since Mr. Carpainter made me an important person in Happy-Happyism.

Ness and Exit Mouse: (stifle their laughter)

Pokey: You should join us, but I know you won’t...I’m glad I joined...I’m not going to fight you, but these guys will...later potater! (runs off)

Insane Cultists: BLUE BLUE! (charge Ness and Exit Mouse)

Spiteful Crow: CAW! (charges them too)

Ness: Take this, blue boys! (fires a blast of PSI Rockin Alpha)

Insane cultists: BLUE BLARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (are blown backwards by the blast and crumple to the ground)

Spiteful Crow: (has a big grin on its face, and is then vaporized by the psychic blast)

Ness: (yawns) It’s getting late, Exit, let’s get some sleep before we kill Carpainter, okay?

Exit Mouse: Not kill, Ness, turn back to normal.

Ness: Whatever, (they head back into the cave to Happy Happy village)

(they wander around the village)

Exit Mouse: Hey look! A blue cow!

Ness: Yeah, and behind it there’s a hotel, thingy.

(they head inside)

Hostel Owner: We’re all like one big happy family here in Happy Happy Village! Normally, our policy is to only let family members stay here, but if you’d like to learn about Happy-Happyism, then I could make an exception and let you stay for $50.

Ness: (shrugs) Yeah, ok, whatever.

Exit Mouse: Wait a minute, Ness. This is a hostel, not a hotel!

Ness: This isn’t even a hotel? Come on then, Exit. (grabs Exit Mouse and they head back out the door)

Exit Mouse: Uh, where we gonna sleep now?

Ness: (plops him down under a tree) This will be a great bed! (grabs two large rocks) Here’s our pillows! (grabs his rock and falls asleep instantly)

Exit Mouse: (listens to Ness snoring) Well, only one thing to do now, (pulls the receiver phone out of his pocket) Let’s try ordering that pizza again, Mr. cell phone.

(the next morning, Ness and Exit Mouse head into the central building and into a huge room)

Insane Cultists: (a hundred dance slowly in place, blocking any way across the room)

Exit Mouse: (taps his foot) How can we get through these guys?

Ness: (goes to one of the cultists) Move it, or else!

Insane Cultist: (ignores Ness)

Ness: So, you wanna do it the way where I bash you out of the way?

Insane Cultist: (ignores Ness)

Ness: (shrugs) Whatever you say. (bashes the cultist in the head)

Insane Cultist: (ignores Ness)

Ness: (bashes the cultist repeatedly before slumping to the ground) They’re…too…powerful!!!!

Exit Mouse: Lemme try something! (jumps on the cultist’s head) I was right, come on, Ness! (walks to the other side of the room by stepping on the cultists’ heads)

Ness: (shrugs and scrambles up the cultist by pulling on his tie and then follows Exit Mouse across the room)

Exit Mouse: (hops down on the other side of the room) Hey Ness, these cultists seem to be dancing in a circle!

Ness: (kicking a few of the cultists as he walks on their heads) Hey, Exit, you should try this, it’s fun!

Exit Mouse: Hurry up, Ness, what if these guys suddenly decided to attack us?

Ness: (jumps down from the insane cultists) Okay, but you owe me a few insane cultist bashings after this, okedesuka?

Insane Cultist: (steps if front of them as they head for the door) BLEW BLEW!

Exit Mouse: Come on, Ness, bash him!

Insane Cultist: (pulls its hood off up to its nose and blows a large bubble of chewing gum out of its mouth)

Ness: (reaches forward and pulls the cultist’s hood back down over his head)

Insane Cultist: (the bubble explodes under his hood. He falls to the ground as pink gum spews out of his eyeholes)

Ness and Exit Mouse: (walk past the fallen cultist as pink gum oozes out of every hole in his cloak)

Secretary: Aaiiiieeeeee! I screamed...’cause I didn’t know what else to do!

Ness: Uh, okay. Where is Carpainter?

Secretary: He’s upstairs. I answered...’cause I didn’t know what else to do!

Ness: Thanks for your help! (runs upstairs with Exit Mouse)

Secretary: Bye! I said bye...’cause I didn’t know what else to do!

(at the top of the stairs they come to a large open room with Carpainter in the middle on a type of raised platform behind him is…)

Ness: GASP! The Mani Mani Statue!

Exit Mouse: The Mani whatsis?

Ness: The Mani Mani Statue. It was unearthed by Liar X. Agerate under his house, remember when he showed it to us?

Exit Mouse: Ness, that never happened...

Ness: Crap, we forgot to go look at it, didn’t we?

Exit Mouse: (nods) You’ve really messed up the plot now.

Ness: sorry...

(both look sad)

Carpainter: (claps his hands) Hello? I’m over here!

Ness and Exit Mouse: (shrug) It’s too late to worry about that now (walk up to Carpainter)

Carpainter: (smiling) Thanks for coming! I need your help to turn the world blue.

Ness: Why blue? We never really figured out why you guys are so obsessed with the color blue.

Carpainter: Only blueness can turn the world into a happy society.

Ness: How do you figure that?

Carpainter: Your exsistence seems to trouble my religon.

Ness: Now that I think of it, your whole religion makes NO sense!

Carpainter: Defy me, and I’ll end you pitiful game!

(lightning comes down to strike Ness and Exit Mouse)

Ness: (holds up the Franklin Badge, deflecting the lightning)

Carpainter: Aw crap...

Exit Mouse: (smiling) Game over, pal.

Ness: (fires a blast of PSI Paralysis at Carpainter)

Carpainter: (is instantly paralyzed) Double crap!

Ness: (charges in and bashes Carpainter repeatedly with his bat)

Carpainter: (fires a crashing boom bang attack at Ness)

Ness: (deflects the lightning with his Franklin Badge)

Carpainter: (is zapped by his own attack) Triple crap!!!! (falls to the ground)

Exit Mouse: Carpainter turned back to normal, YOU WON!

Ness: Yeah, I think I can tell that, Exit. (goes over to Carpainter and nudges him with his foot) He looks kinda like he turned back to dead, though…

Carpainter: I’m not dead! (struggles into a sitting position) Do you see the Mani Mani Statue behind me? Since I got the statue, I’ve been doing peculiar things.

Ness: Like founding a blue cult dedicated to taking over the world?

Carpainter: No, we’ve been here, plotting and scheming, for over a hundred years.

Ness: What about kidnapping Paula?

Carpainter: (chuckles) Nope! That was me too. We were gonna sacrifice Paula to the statue, but she nearly destroyed the entire village with her psychic powers! (tosses Ness the key to her cell) You can take her!

Ness: (takes the key) So, does that mean you guys are still evil?

Carpainter: Oh yes, terribly so.

Ness: Hm, okay, let’s go, Exit. (they head downstairs)

Exit Mouse: Shouldn’t we do something about that Mani Mani Statue?

Ness: Nah, I bet it’ll show up again, then we can destroy it.

Exit Mouse: How is that better than destroying it now?

Ness: Well, since we knew what it was, and how evil it was before we were supposed to, and now it doesn’t seem like it HAS any evil powers, and Carpainter is just using it for evil, I suppose we better not chance it.

Secretary: (as they walk by) YOU! You’re awesome!

Ness: (forces a smile and waves) These freaks really creep me out, let’s get out of here, Exit. (they head back into the main room)

Insane? Cultist: (one of three that remains) Sorry about everything, let’s be buddies!

Ness: THWACK (knocks the cultist out with his bat) Well, that makes me feel a BIT better. (they head outside)

Pokey: (Runs up to Ness) What a horrible nightmare, I suddenly woke up!

Exit Mouse: (snickers) You LOOK like you just woke up.

Pokey: Ness, let’s be friends again, I promise to be good!

Ness: Pokey, we never were friends, and any...hey! How’d you escape from the aliens?

Pokey: Uh, I, um...(turns and runs off) See ya later, sucker!

Ness: (as Pokey runs into a tree) Idiot.