EB Rewrite Part 4: A New Hopeless Quest

Girl: (humming to herself as she picks mushrooms in the Peaceful Rest Valley) Humm de de hum hummm...

Ness and Exit Mouse: (stagger out of the cave to Twoson and collapse on the ground due to the mushrooms growing out of their heads)

Girl: (walks over to them) Hello there, I’m hunting for mushrooms! (sees the mushrooms growing out of their heads) ooh, big ones!

Ness: (weakly) The mushrooms have made us all dizzy, weak, confused, weak, dizzy, weak, etc.

Girl: Well you should know that it is illegal to grow mushrooms out of your own head. That makes those things (points to the mushrooms growing out or Ness and Exit Mouse’s heads) illegal! You should never eat illegal mushrooms!

Ness: Ugh, I’ve already been through this.

Exit Mouse: We didn’t eat them, we were spored by them!

Girl: (pretends to think for a second) I’ll pay you $50 apiece for them.

Ness: Didn’t you just say they were illegal?

Girl: (chuckles) I know, I’ll make a killing on the black market with them.

Exit Mouse: Sure! Remove them already!

Girl: (grabs Exit Mouse by the tail in one hand and with the other she pulls the mushroom)

Exit Mouse: YEOUCH!!!!!!!! (the mushroom comes off)

Girl: (plants her foot in Ness’ face and then grabs the mushroom with both hands and pulls)

Ness: GRREOUFF!!!! (the mushroom pulls off)

Girl: Nice doing business with you (hands Ness a $100 bill) now I’m off to search for more mushrooms! (continues walking around in a circle)

Ness: (rubbing his head) Aren’t those things you’re stepping on mushrooms?

Girl: (Ignores him) Hum de dee hum hummmm!

(Ness and Exit Mouse continue on into the valley)

Ness: (as they look over a broken bridge) I guess we’ll have to find the long way. (they continue along the river)

Li’l UFO: (comes zooming at them out of the trees) BZZT!

Exit Mouse: (leaps forward and punches the UFO)

Ness: (follows up with a baseball bat bash between the eyes of the UFO)

Li’l UFO: (EXPLODES)

Ness: (points to a pencil-shaped iron statue) Look! A pencil-shaped iron statue!

Exit Mouse: (taps the statue) It appears impassable.

Ness: Come on, Exit, I bet we could push it out of the way and into the river.

Exit Mouse: Sure, just let me put down PAULA’S TEDDY BEAR! (pulls the bear out from behind his back and places it on the ground) I bet you forgot I had that.

Ness and Exit Mouse: (push and pull at the statue, but are unable to budge it. Finally, they fall back, exhausted)

Teddy Bear: (is knocked into the river by Exit Mouse and Ness as they fall back)

Ness: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (grabs Exit Mouse and dives into the river) We must save the bear!

Exit Mouse: Help! I can’t swim! (sinks underwater) GLUB!

Ness: (standing upright, he pulls Exit Mouse out of the water) Yeah, it’s only like 3 feet deep in the middle here. (picks up the teddy bear) Hey, I bet we could just walk across!

(suddenly, a huge wave washes down the river, covering them with water and dragging them down the river)

Ness, Exit Mouse, and Teddy Bear: (black out as they are washed away)

Ness: (groans as he sits up) Who knew rivers had low and high tides?

Exit Mouse: (sitting on a gift box) I found a present!

Teddy Bear: (stares blankly)

Ness: (Opens the gift box) It’s a hard hat! (Puts it on over his Mr. Baseball Cap) This is great!

Exit Mouse: The river luckily washed us a lot closer to the Happy Happy Village. Let’s get going!

Apple Kid: (comes spinning down from the sky) WAIT A SECOND!

Ness and Exit Mouse: Huh?

Apple Kid: (lands in front of them) What’s the big idea? You were supposed to come back to Twoson and get my Pencil Eraser, the ONLY way for you to get past that giant pencil-shaped iron statue, thus showing you I can be helpful.

Ness: Don’t worry, we found an easier way.

Apple Kid: (sputters) Grrr, you’re still taking the Pencil Eraser!

Ness NO!

Apple Kid: YES!

(two beams shoot through the group, hitting Apple Kid and blowing him off over the horizon)

Spinning Robo #1: BZZT! (shoots a laser)

Spinning Robo #2: AGREED! (shoots another laser)

Teddy Bear: (The two beams slice through the bear, blowing its arms off and scattering stuffing everywhere)

Ness: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (blasts PSI Rockin Alpha at the robos)

Spinning Robo #1: BZZT! (explodes into pieces)

Spinning Robo #2: ARRRGGGGGHHHH! (its head blows off, sending its body spinning out of control and into the cliff face where it shatters)

Ness: Ooh, cool.

Exit Mouse: (hurridly stuffs stuffing back into the teddy bear)

Ness: (pulls out some duct tape and tapes the bear’s arms back on) Good as new, right?

Exit Mouse: Right! (grabs the bear) Let’s go then. (they continue along the river until they reach a divide)

Ness: (leans on a bush) Which way, straight or left?

Exit Mouse: (sets the bear down) How ‘bout left? That’s more in the direction of Happy Happy Village.

Ness: Alright, (tries to pull hand out of bush) What the heck? I’m stuck!

Exit Mouse: (on the other side of the bush) Uh, Ness? This bush looks really mad.

Ness: How can you tell if it’s mad? (the territorial oak turns around to face him) Oh...

Territorial Oak: (slams Ness in the stomach with a root)

Ness: (goes flying backwards) OUCH!

Exit Mouse: (jumps up and punches the territorial oak)

Territorial Oak: (slams Exit Mouse into the ground)

Ness: (SMAAASHES the territorial oak with his bat) Eat death you stupid plant!

Territorial Oak: (closes its eyes)

Exit Mouse and Ness: (back off slowly)

Territorial Oak: (explodes into a ball of fire that speeds towards Exit Mouse and Ness)

Exit Mouse and Ness: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (duck as the fire shoots over them)

Ness: (stands up) That was close!

Exit Mouse: Yeah, but what about (looks off to the side) THE BEAR!!!

Teddy Bear: (engulfed in flames)

Ness: (runs over and stamps the bear into the ground to put the flames out)

Exit Mouse: (holds up the dirty, charred, soggy, and duct taped bear) I bet that washes right out...

Ness: (they continue down the left path) Hey, check out that little cottage over there! (points to a cottage in a slight valley off to the left) I wonder who would live in Peaceful Rest Valley? This place is crazy.

Exit Mouse: Hey, I see a cave up ahead! That must be the entrence to Happy Happy Village! (points to a cave up ahead)

Mobile Sprout: (steps out from behind a bush)

Exit Mouse: Hey, that little sprout thing just moved! It must be a moving sprout.

Ness: (calmly bashes it)

Mobile Sprout: (scatters some seeds. The seeds sink into the ground, and then 4 more mobile sprouts pop up)

Ness: Hey that’s cheating! (bashes the first one again. It falls to the ground and is still)

Mobile Sprouts: (each one spreads more seeds. About 20 mobile sprouts pop out of the ground)

Ness: (backs off a bit) Any suggestions, Exit?

Exit Mouse: (sighs) What are you afraid of? (goes over to the nearest mobile sprout and shoves it)

Mobile Sprout: (topples over, knocking a bunch of other ones over, including a few off the cliff)

Exit Mouse: These guys are pushovers. (chuckles madly and falls to the ground, rolling with laughter) GET IT?

Ness: (sweeps the mobile sprouts off the cliffs with his bat) You’re right, this is easy enough for even me to do right!

Mobile Sprout: (The last one left. Runs at Ness and jumps over his bat swing)

Ness: Hey, no fair jumping!

Exit Mouse: (springs into the air and hits the mobile sprout with a flying kick)

Mobile Sprout: (shoots off a final seed before flying off the cliff)

Teddy Bear: (the seed hits the bear and burrows inside. A few seconds later, the bear’s chest explodes as a mobile sprout with huge teeth pops out)

Ness: DIE! (rams his bat point first through the mobile sprout, killing it)

Teddy Bear: (stuffing flies everywhere as Ness’ bat also blows a hole through the bear)

Ness: Aw geeze.... (covers the bear’s chest hole and back hole with duct tape)

Exit Mouse: (picks up the bear again) hey Ness, I’ll give you a buck if you eat one of those seeds.

Ness: Hey, I’m not THAT stupid, LOOK A GIANT MUSHROOM!!!!

(They reach the cave entrance...eventually)

L’il UFO, Spinning Robo, and Territorial Oak: (block the cave entrence)

Exit Mouse: Where are all these robots coming from? That’s ridiculous!

Ness: (charges in and swings his bat at the L’il UFO)

L’il UFO: (Dodges the swing, which hits the Spinning Robo instead)

Spinning Robo: (its head explodes)

L’il UFO: (Fires a beam that causes night-time stuffiness)

Ness: (prepares to dodge, but the blast narrowly misses hitting the target)

Teddy Bear: (is zapped by the beam) ACHOO! (it’s nose blows off, scattering wet stuffing everywhere)

Exit Mouse: Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Ness: (jumps back and forth, dodging the UFO’s beams)

Territorial Oak: (tackles Ness, sending his backpack flying)

L’il UFO: (fires a few beams into the Territorial Oak)

Ness: (trapped under the territorial oak) Help Exit!

Exit Mouse: (dives behind Ness’ backpack)

Territorial Oak: (EXPLODES, leaving only a smoking crater where it and Ness were)

L’il UFO: (vaporized by the explosion)

Exit Mouse: (runs over to the smoking crater) Hey Ness, did that hurt as much as it looked like it did?

Ness: (climbs out of the crater, completely unhurt) Don’t worry, Exit, that didn’t hurt as much as it should have either.

Exit Mouse: Uh, Ness, YOU’RE ON FIRE!!!!!!

Ness: (looks at his back, which is completely on fire) Hey, you’re right. (looks back to Exit Mouse) Excuse me a moment, (drops to the ground and starts rolling madly to smother the flames)

Exit Mouse: (picks up the teddy bear) Keep this up and you’ll end up worse than this bear, Ness.

Ness: (calmly gets up from the ground, the remains of his shirt nearly falling off) Hm, good thing I carry a few spares. (Gets a new shirt out of his backpack and slips it on) Well, let’s go then.

Exit Mouse: (as they move into the cave to Happy Happy Village) Wasn’t in convenient that the territorial oak just happened to knock your backpack off when it tackled you?

Ness: (stares blankly) Yes...convenient...(suddenly, he bumps into a coil snake)

Coil Snake: HISSSSS!!!!!!!!! (slithers madly away from Ness, running into another coil snake and ends up tied in a ball)

Ness: What are these weak little coil snakes doing here?

Exit Mouse: Hm, maybe it’s a glitch.

Ness: (scratches his head) What’s a glitch?

Exit Mouse: A glitch, an anomaly usually caused by leftover programming code left in a video game which causes a strange occurrence that disrupts the normal gameplay.

Ness: Yeah, but this isn’t a video game.

Exit Mouse: (chuckles nervously) Yes, right, this isn’t a video game, heh heh heh.

Ness: You’ve been talking to that creepy mole again, haven’t you?