EB Rewrite Part 1: Meet Ness and Stuff.

(Opening: A meteorite crashes into the nearby mountain.)

Ness: (waking up) What was that noise? I better go check it out! (runs out of his room)

Tracy: (smacks Ness in the head with a cracked baseball bat as he goes past) GET YOUR STUPID OLD BASEBALL BAT OUTTA MY ROOM!

Ness: Ow (takes the bat and goes downstairs)

Ness’ Mom: Be a good boy and run off into the mountains where the police are checking on whatever the heck just happened, ok?

Ness: Sure mom. (Is about to run outside, suddenly notices he has his pajamas still on) Hee hee, silly me. (he runs back upstairs and returns with his slippers) Now I can go outside!

(Ness runs outside and up into the nearby hills, passing by numerous people hanging around outside for some reason. He arrives at the top of the mountain which is surrounded by policemen who have just beaten the snot out of Pokey for calling them cops one too many times.)

Pokey: (in extreme pain) Help, Ness, I’m in extreme pain.

Ness: (Ignoring Pokey) Hey guys, what happened here?

Policemen: (Who inexplicably know Ness quite well) Hi Ness, we’re just making sure no one gets too close to this dangerous meteorite that fell. What we DON’T need is some idiot messing around with us (they glare at Pokey)

Ness: Cool, well if that’s it. (leaves)

Policemen: Bye Ness!

(Later that night...)

Ness: (awakens to Pokey leaning over his bed) AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pokey: NESS, I need your help with something!

Ness: (still freaking out) How did you get in our house?

Pokey: The door was unlocked.

Ness: No it wasn’t!

Pokey: Yeah, I had to break in, whatever

(They head downstairs)

Ness’ Mom: (still watching TV) Ness, some weird kid just broke into our house and ran upstairs, I hope he didn’t---Oh, you found him, whatever

Pokey: Ness, you see, I took Picky my brother, to go see the meteorite, and then all the cops got ticked off and left, and then Picky disappeared, and then I came here, uh, can you help me?

Ness: Sure, It’s not like I need sleep or anything (runs upstairs, and returns a few moments later in his usual outfit of shorts and a striped tee shirt) let’s go!

Tracy: (throws a broken cookie at Ness) Here’s a snack for ya, tubby! I found it under the couch.

Ness’ Mom: Be careful, Ness, there’s a lot of evil animals hanging around outside nowadays

Ness: There wasn’t when I went out a few hours ago

Ness’ Mom: Are you saying I’m a liar?

Ness: Uh, no (quickly hurries over to King, his dog) come on King, let’s go out and do stuff!

King: (How would you like it if I bit you?)

Ness: Come on, pleeeeeeeeze??

King: (Sure, maybe I’ll bite that fat kid with you)

(The phone rings, and Ness gets it)

Ness: Hello?

Ness’ Dad: Hey Ness, I used my omnipotent powers to find out you were having an adventure, call me periodically to tell me how it’s going and so I can determine whether you are worthy enough to receive money from me.

Ness: Uh, Dad, why not use your omnipotent powers to find out how I’m doing?

Ness’ Dad: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, good one! BEEP!

Ness: (hangs up) He’s getting weirder. (Ness, Pokey, and King head outside)

(As they head outside, they encounter a runaway dog)

Ness: It’s a dog, let’s kill it! (Smaaashes his bat on the dog’s head. The dog collapses to the ground) Ha, that tamed it!

Pokey: It kinda looks dead.

Ness: No, no, no, Pokey, I TAMED it, it didn’t die, it was TAMED

Pokey: I...see...(they continue on to the meteorite)

Liar X. Agerate: (as Ness and the others walk by his house) Hey Ness, I got something cool to show you, come back later, okay?

Ness: Let me guess, you’ve uncovered an ancient demonic idol with incredible psychic powers that is poised to corrupt society and ultimately work towards its goal of destroying humankind?

Liar: ...how’d you guess?

Ness: THAT’S ALL YOU EVER FIND UNDER YOUR HOUSE!

Liar: (ponders)

Ness: First it was that cursed monkey pendant that devoured peoples’ souls, or that snake scepter that transported people to other dimensions, or that dragon talisman that toasted half of downtown Onett before it was destroyed, or...

Liar: I guess you’re right, weird huh? Why would all these cursed artifacts just HAPPEN to be buried under my house? Weird huh?

(Ness and the others reach the top of the mountain, and find Picky near the meteroite)

Picky: (wakes up) Where the heck have you been, Pokey? You said you had to go to the bathroom, and then you ran off! I sat down here next to the meteorite and have been waiting for you ever since. Can we go home now?

Ness: Problem solved, let’s get back. (Suddenly a beam of light hits the meteorite and a form emerges)

Buzz Buzz: MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I am BUZZ BUZZ, the most powerful warrior in the universe! I have come from the FUTURE to find the chosen ones!

Pokey: Hey, a talking bee, let’s squish him!

Buzz Buzz: (zaps Pokey) Fool, I am THE MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR IN THE UNIVERSE! I have come to find the chosen ones who are destined to defeat Giygas and save the world! Ness, I believe YOU are one of the four chosen ones!

Ness: How do you know?

Buzz Buzz: Well, you’re here aren’t you! Right where I show up, so therefore, you must be the leader of the chosen ones.

Picky: (motions to Pokey and himself) Are we chosen ones too?

Buzz Buzz: Quiet you, of course you’re not chosen ones. You two look like idiots.

Picky: Oh, okay.

(The group heads back down the mountain to Pokey and Picky’s house)

Ness: I don’t get it, Buzz Buzz, why do you need us chosen ones to help you beat Giygas if you’re the most powerful warrior in the universe?

Buzz Buzz: I’m the most powerful warrior, but if I had some OTHER powerful warriors with me, it would be a LOT easier to defeat GIYGAS, don’t you think?

(suddenly, another beam of light streaks down from the sky and reveals...Starman Jr.!)

Starman Jr.: Hello, Buzz Buzz, you will now prepare to die, Buzz Buzz, for I shall kill you, Buzz Buzz, for making me travel 10 years into the past to find you, Buzz Buzz, for you are no longer a hero, Buzz Buzz, but just a useless insect named, Buzz Buzz.

Buzz Buzz: (dives behind Ness) Ness, do something!

Ness: (dives behind Picky)

Pokey: Hey alien, take me to your leader!

Starman Jr.: (shrugs) Ok, if you really want to. They both disappear in a flash of light.

Ness: talk about two birds with one stone, wow.

Picky: I’m not gonna enjoy explaining this to Mom and Dad.

Buzz Buzz: HA, I scared him off. Pretty good huh, for the MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR IN THE UNIVERSE!

Starman Jr. (Suddenly appears and blasts Buzz Buzz) Sorry about that, I forgot the whole thing about killing you. Bye! (disappears again)

Picky: Wow, he was pretty considerate to come back and all

Ness: (falls next to Buzz Buzz) Buzz Buzz!

Buzz Buzz: (weakly) Ness, you, must, defeat, Giygas. Find, the, other, chosen, ones. Two, other, boys, and, a, girl.

Ness: Don’t worry, Buzz Buzz, I won’t let you down!

Buzz Buzz: There’s, more, to, it, than, that. You, must, find, the, eight, sanctuaries, of, power, and, collect, their, melodies, to, join, your, power, with, the, Earth’s, and, save, the, world. There, is, one, such, place, near, Onett, called, Giant, Step. Go, there, first. Take, this, sound, stone, to, record, the, melodies. (pulls a large rock out of somewhere and hands it to Ness)

Ness: Where’d you fit such a big rock, anyways?

Buzz Buzz: Very...deep...pockets (dies)

(Ness heads to his house for some sleep while Picky heads to his own, and out of the plot forever)

Ness: (after a quick nap) I’m off to save the world, Mom, I won’t be back for a really long time, bye!

Mom: Have fun honey, and make sure you call in once and while!

(Ness heads into town and stops at the local tree house)

Ness: (calling up) Hey guys, I’m off to save the world, so if you don’t see me for awhile, don’t think it’s 'cuz I’m dead or anything, although you may actually be right, in which case you should think I’m dead, but you wouldn’t know, so try to be positive, okedesuka?

Guys: (calling down) Good luck, Ness! (one of the little kids throws a baseball cap down) take the Mr. Baseball Cap, Ness! It's good luck and stuff!

Ness: Since I have no idea what the Giant Step is, or where it’s located, I better find out. And the only person I know of who could have such information is Frank, leader of the Dolphins!

(At the downtown Onett church, a few members of the local youth group the Dolphins are outside repairing the church’s fence as Ness walks up)

Member #1: Hiya Ness, what’s up?

Ness: (knocks him out with his baseball bat) I’m looking for Frank, where is he?

Member #2: (nervously) Uh, he’s, he’s, he’s...THWACK (Ness cracks the bat over his head)

Member #3; He’s inside, he’s inside! Please don’t hurt me!

Ness: Now that wasn’t so hard, now was it?

(as Ness hurries inside he is met by 3 more Dolphin members, one with a jump rope, one with a pogo stick, and one with a hula hoop)

Dolphins: You won’t get past us! (the Pogo Dolphin launches at Ness)

Ness: (slams his bat into the pogo stick, sending the guy flying into the wall, where his pogo stick explodes into flames)

Hula-Hoop Dolphin: GROWL! (swings his hula-hoop at Ness)

Ness: (catches the hula-hoop and swings the Dolphin into the wall, where his hula-hoop also explodes into flames)

Jump Rope Dolphin: (looking a bit scared) Uh, prepare to die?

Ness: (smiles) PSI ROCKIN ALPHA! (Ness shoots a blast of psychic energy from his hands which smashes into the Dolphin and sends him flying backwards down the hall)

Frank: (in a room with his creation, the Frankystein Mark II) Excellent work, Mark II, keep it up!

Frankystein Mark II: (painting the wall white) Affirmative.

(suddenly the Jump Rope Dolphin comes flying through the door and smashes into the Mark II, both explode)

Frank: Huh? Who? What?

Ness: (steps in) Exactly. (points his bat at Frank) You’re the leader of the Dolphins, Frank, and you have many underworld contacts. I need you to tell me about Giant Step.

Frank: What the heck are you talking about? What underworld contacts?

Ness: (smashes his bat into the ground by Frank’s foot) I said, tell me about Giant Step!

Frank: Okay little kid, I don’t know any underworld contacts, but I do know about Giant Step. It’s located through the northwestern caves of Onett. A powerful power is in power there, but I believe a monster has recently depowered the power powered there.

Ness: Thanks Frank (calmly steps over the fallen debris and bodies and leaves the church)

Frank: (calls after Ness) Ness, you’ve now become stronger than I!

Ness: (calls back) I was ALWAYS stronger than you, remember?

Frank: Oh yeah, whatever.

(Ness approaches the entrance to the northwestern caves of Onett)

Ness: Now who put this stupid shack in the way?

Touring Entertainer #1: Normally, we’d let you through our shack, but it’s locked up right now while the Dolphins fix it up for community service.

Touring Entertainer #2: Yeah, too bad we let them lock it up with our clothes and stuff inside.

Touring Entertainer #1: Oh well, another day without food, water, and bathing.

Ness: Hm, well in that case I best go get a key.

(Ness heads to Town Hall to get a key from the mayor. Why? Why not? Who else would have such a key?)

Ness: (Walks into Town Hall past the numerous security guards and secretaries and up to the Mayor’s office) Mr. Mayor, I need a favor!

Mayor B.H. Pirkle: Hey hey hey! Sure thing, Ness!

Ness: Huh? How do you know my name?

Mr. Pirkle: Why, everyone knows about you! You brutally beat up the Dolphins, the local youth group!

Ness: (Grinning) Yeah, I did beat them up pretty well didn’t I? Those lousy Dolphins are always up to no good.

Pirkle: Uh yeah, so what do you want?

Ness: I need the key to the touring entertainers’ shack, so I can run off into the mountains, find an ancient power, and use it to save the world from an alien megalomaniac.

Pirkle: (hands him the key) Sure thing, Ness, just remember to vote for me, okay?

Ness: Uh, I’m only 13. (heads back to the shack)

Touring Entertainer #1: Hey, Ness, did you get the key?

Ness: (walks up to the door of the shack and puts the key in the hole. He turns the key and the shack’s door falls in, followed by the entire wall) Yeah, I did.

Touring Entertainer #2: Thanks, Ness! (hands him the travel charm) Take this little trinket, ok?

Ness: Thanks! (Thinks for a moment) Hey, why are you called "Touring Entertainers" when you don’t travel at all? All you do is live in this shack.

Touring Entertainer #1: Hm, good point. (pulls two suitcases out of the rubble from the shack) let’s go #2!

Touring Entertainer #2: Shouldn’t we put some stuff in these suitcases?

Touring Entertainer #1: I SAID, Let’s go #2. (They walk off)

Ness: (hums to himself as he walks into the cave)

End of Part 1

Come back for issue II, where Ness gets the first melody from The Titanic ant! Also, Ness gets beaten up by a bunch of different things before finally escaping from Onett! It’s fun for the whole family!